AUTHORS NOTE:
SHOUTOUT to Guests: Eliza, Rose, and Bailey; BroadwayLover56, joeybob1324, and Smiles1998 for leaving reviews! You'll see your special nod in the very first segment of FanMail :D
SCENE 01: FAUCHELEVENT RESIDENCE
COSETTE FAUCHELEVENT is sitting on the Living Room couch working on her laptop. Her Mother, FANTINE is in the chair opposite her reading a magazine. COSETTE's cellphone rings.
She checks the Caller ID, frowns, and quickly excuses herself. FANTINE becomes suspicious and leans in to overhear the conversation COSETTE will have.
COSETTE Hello? Yes…this is her. Oh, Hi Doctor Simplice! Yes…I…you got the test results? What did they say?
FANTINE's eyes widen.
COSETTE Oh gosh… That bad? Well…how long before…eight months? Are you kidding?! Well, yeah I'm shocked…I didn't plan for this to happen!
FANTINE gasps and runs into the den of her husband, VAL JEAN FAUCHELEVENT.
FANTINE Val! We've got a problem!
VAL What happened?
FANTINE It's Cosette…something's happened!
VAL Can you just tell me what happened and calm down? (proceeds to drink his glass of sherry.)
FANTINE She's on the phone with her doctor! She's Pregnant!
VAL JEAN spits out his sherry
VAL What?! How is this possible?! She's not even married! (FANTINE flinches. VAL JEAN stands up to console her.) Oh calm down, sweetie I didn't mean it that way. I'm sure someone made a mistake.
FANTINE Oh, you think?! She's got so much ahead of her…this will ruin her life! My little baby girl!
VAL Relax, sweetie. She's a grown woman now.
FANTINE Oh god…if you think she's grown now wait eight months!
Meanwhile, in the other room, COSETTE is on the phone now with EPONINE.
COSETTE I know, 'Ponine. It's ridiculous. I was so certain I would've passed that test. And now they're making me wait another eight months before I can take it again. It's stupid! I know! Yeah…but listen…yeah just remember I don't want my parents to know until I get accepted into the Nursing School. Yeah I want it to be a surprise. Oh…yeah I'm sure it'll be a shock for them!
COSETTE hangs up.
**OPENING CREDITS**
NANCY TRAVIS as FANTINE (FANTINE is working at the computer. Behind her, MARIUS and COSETTE are sitting on the couch, when they are about to kiss. FANTINE pulls out her air horn and blasts it, startling the two.)
NEIL FLYNN as VAL JEAN FAUCHELEVENT (VAL JEAN opens the front door and invites JAVERT, GILLENORMAND, MABEUF, and THENARDIER inside his home for Poker Night. The door closes, then reopens, and we see VAL JEAN holding THENARDIER by the back of his shirt and throws him out of the house.)
MARK ADDY as FATHER MYRIEL (FATHER MYRIEL is giving wine to the church goers. He stops GRANTAIRE from taking a single sip and turning him away.)
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VAL JEAN and FANTINE enter the Living Room where COSETTE resumes her laptop work. They slowly approach her as they take their seats. They silently observe her stomach to look for signs of a pregnancy.
FANTINE (Pause) Hi…Cosette.
COSETTE Hi, Mom.
VAL JEAN (Longer Pause) Hi, Cosette.
COSETTE Hi…Dad.
FANTINE (Pause) So…you got up abruptly to go into the other room to answer your phone. Everything ok?
COSETTE Oh…yeah. That was Eponine. She…needed to go to the Doctor for her…Lyme disease. She wanted to let me know as soon as she could about her test results. But she didn't want anyone else to worry.
FANTINE Oh…I see. And…is she okay with…the results?
COSETTE (Nodding.) I'd imagine so. I don't know why she wouldn't be okay with the results.
FANTINE's face grows with sadness.
VAL JEAN And…are you okay with the…results?
COSETTE Um…I don't know. I mean, I suppose it could've gone better. (FANTINE covers her mouth.) But it's not the worst news in the world.
VAL JEAN She's right, dear. It could be worse. I mean, global warming could be reversed to strongly, and we'd end up having snow for a good…nine months. (Quickly looks at COSETTE for a reaction.)
COSETTE Yikes! (Pause.) Well, unless there was something you guys needed to ask me, I need to start getting ready. Marius and I are going out tonight.
FANTINE Well wait! What will the two of you be doing?
COSETTE It's a nice day out today. I thought maybe he and I could go kayaking for a change.
FANTINE nearly chokes back on her tears as COSETTE walks upstairs.
VAL JEAN Who's Marius?
FANTINE Oh…he's Cosette's new boyfriend. They've been seeing a lot of each other.
VAL JEAN (Scoffs) Apparently.
FANTINE (Upset) Oh shut up!
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SCENE 02: AMIS RESIDENCE, LIVING ROOM; DAY
The "It's Fan Mail Time" song plays.
The Whole GANG is sitting around watching TV. PROUVAIRE enters from the Front Door.
PROUVAIRE Hey everybody! Mail's here!
LESGLES Oh crap, what did you say now, Enjolras?!
PROUVAIRE Actually, it isn't hate mail this time. It's fan mail!
ENJOLRAS Gee, Lesgles. Thanks for the benefit of the doubt!
PROUVAIRE goes to his seat and picks up the first envelope after passing out the others.
PROUVAIRE This first one is from…some girl named Eliza. (Opens up envelope). "This is AMAZING! It is so funny and I love the way that it was written! You are so creative and I would love to keep reading this!"
JOLY Aww that's nice…wait who's it addressed to?
COLONELTRAVIS1836 runs onstage.
COLONELTRAVIS1836 Sorry guys! I think they wrote that one to me. (Snatches letter from PROUVAIRE.)
COMBEFERRE (Reading his envelope) This one is from… "Broadwaylover56" (opens up and reads the letter) "I love this story so much! Please update soon."
COLONELTRAVIS1836 snatches that one too.
COLONELTRAVIS1836 Sorry! I did make it clear to our audiences to send you guys the fan mail!
BAHOREL (shrugging his shoulders before looking at his letter.) This one is from "Rose". (opens it up) "This is rich, this is just beautiful. Please please PLEASE keep going!"
BAHOREL just hands it to COLONELTRAVIS1836 before the latter starts moving.
JOLY These fans are beginning to depress me.
EPONINE Hey at least they're not TRASHING the show. Mine's from… "Bailey" (opens up envelope.) "This chapter was so good and it was so funny!"
ENJOLRAS What is everyone having trouble with understanding here?! This is a sitcom! These are EPISODES! NOT CHAPTERS!
JOLY (Opening up his letter) This one's from "joeybob1324" "I love this story and I can't get enough of it! You clearly know your stuff and I love what you've done with the whole thing! Keep writing, you clearly have a lot of talent!" (pause) Wait a minute…
COLONELTRAVIS1836 (quickly snatching letter) Ack! Sorry, this was addressed to the Titanic/LM story.
FEUILLY Last one. Or should I just let ColonelTravis1836 open it up? (COLONELTRAVIS1836 motions for FEUILLY to open the letter.) From "Smiles1998"… "You just got yourself a fan! This is hilarious and I can't wait for the next episode! :-)"
ENJOLRAS Hallelujah! Someone got the memo!
COLONELTRAVIS1836 takes the last letter.
COLONELTRAVIS1836 I really am sorry everyone! I was hoping that you as the characters would get some fan mail or we could do some Q&As or something. You know, keep the reviews coming in? (Looks directly at camera) If you or a non-fanfiction account holder have a question or have something you want addressed to any of the characters, please feel free to either leave a review on this page, or send me, ColonelTravis1836 a PM, and we will be sure to include it into our next episode for our Fan Mail Segment. And be sure to use the hashtag "Ask the Barricade" so that we know what to look for! And if you share this show with your friends, we'll be sure that one of the characters gives you a big shout out in the next episode. Because come on! We're fanfiction! What fangirls wouldn't want a shout out by their favorite Les Amis characters?! (Audience goes crazy!) Great! Now on with the show!
SCENE 03: OUTSIDE COSETTE'S BEDROOM
VAL JEAN and FANTINE hesitantly walk up to COSETTE's door.
VAL JEAN Fantine, honey, are you sure that you heard her correctly?
FANTINE It has to be the reason! It's the only thing that makes sense! What else could she get bad news from a doctor's test from at her age, and with her looks?!
VAL JEAN But why do we need to spy on her like this? Why can't you just ask her?!
FANTINE But..but…I can't ask my little baby girl something like this! I don't think I could handle it!
VAL JEAN Alright, fine! I am the Man of the House. I think I know what to do.
VAL JEAN knocks hard on COSETTE's door. COSETTE opens up.
COSETTE Yes, Daddy?
VAL JEAN Your mother wants to talk to you.
VAL JEAN runs off, leaving FANTINE frustrated.
COSETTE Is everything ok?
FANTINE So…how are things with Marius?
COSETTE Oh, they're good! He's really nice and very sweet. If you guys want, I can bring him over after our date today. (picks up her cell phone and starts tapping away.)
FANTINE Sure! That would be great! I mean, I certainly wouldn't like to have a cell-phone as a son-in-law (laughs nervously.)
COSETTE Son-in-law? What are you talking about?
FANTINE (nervous) I mean…you are going to marry him…Right?!
COSETTE Marius? We've only been dating for three weeks. What are you talking about?
FANTINE (eyes widening.) You mean…he's NOT the…the…?
COSETTE I mean he's great and all that, but I think we need to give it some time before I know if he's the one.
FANTINE What?!
COSETTE I mean I'm still keeping my options open. At this point it could be anyone. I don't know. It could be Erik, Raoul, or Phillip…
FANTINE VAL!
VAL JEAN enters the room.
COSETTE Okay, what is going on?!
VAL JEAN We should be asking you and this Marius boy the same thing! We know all about it!
COSETTE (Waiting for an explanation.) Okay? So? What do you wanna know?!
Doorbell rings.
COSETTE Okay, this'll have to wait. That's probably Marius now. You guys made me late.
FANTINE gasps as COSETTE grabs her purse and hustles out of the room.
VAL JEAN We made her late?! Is she saying we're at fault here?!
FANTINE We couldn't have had any part in her getting pregnant. We're respectable, loveable nosy-busybodies!
VAL JEAN Well, one thing's for sure. It has to be Marius. Did you see her reaction to the doorbell?!
FANTINE At least he was nice enough to come to the door!
VAL JEAN and FANTINE exit the room.
MEANWHILE, DOWNSTAIRS…
COSETTE answers the door. FATHER MYRIEL enters.
COSETTE Hi can I help you?
MYRIEL Hello there. I am Father Myriel.
COSETTE Oh, Hi! Come on in!
MYRIEL Are you Mrs. Fauchelevant?
COSETTE No I'm her daughter, Cosette
MYRIEL Ah, I see. Well I had just very recently joined this town's church, and I was hoping I could meet some of my new neighbors!
COSETTE Awe, why of course! (Calls for her parents) Mom? Dad? You guys wanna come down?
FANTINE and VAL JEAN walk down the stairs.
COSETTE Mom? Dad? This is the new Father!
FANTINE yelps as she faints in VAL JEAN's arms.