Peeta was about to lose his mind. He and Katniss had been married for several weeks and they still hadn't been intimate. She let him sleep with her when she had nightmares and they cuddled sometimes on his bedroll in front of the fire. She had even let him kiss her and their tongues had touched. But as soon as he started to slide his hands beneath her chemise she would stiffen and back away.
He knew she was nervous about her first time but surely she understood that they would need to move things forward at some point. It didn't help that she gave him little smiles throughout the day and held his hand when returning from the fields. He enjoyed her flirtations but they left him hard and aching long into the night. He needed her dammit and he wasn't sure he could wait that much longer.
Katniss knew he was agitated with her but she wasn't completely sure why. The farm work was coming along nicely and harvest was nearly complete for the season. She had pushed his hands away when he had tried to put them beneath her clothes a couple of times and she knew that he wasn't happy about it but she was still hoping that he would give her more time. They were young. They had plenty of time to make a baby. It would probably be best to get the farm a little farther along before they brought on more mouths to feed.
Most nights he still slept on the floor but when her nightmares plagued her she welcomed him into her arms. She loved sharing the bed and she would be happy to accept his company as a permanent arrangement but she knew that it wouldn't stop there. It was one thing to cuddle with him when she was frightened it was another thing altogether to lay in a marriage bed fully awake with a man she knew was growing increasing impatient with their lack of relations.
She had discovered in the last few weeks that she wasn't the only one who suffered from bad dreams. Peeta had them too although he mostly just tossed and turned with a few unhappy moans. It woke her sometimes and she suspected that it was happening again when she heard him through her haze of exhaustion. She had fallen sleep on her side so when she opened her eyes all she had to do was prop herself up on an elbow to see him.
The fire had settled down considerably but it still cast enough glow for her to make out his profile. She expected to see his face contorted in fear or pain as she usually did when he was restless but instead it was strained in a way that she had never seen before. His eyes were closed and as her gaze fell to the bedroll she could see that his hand was moving. He wasn't asleep at all. Her eyes widened. He was fully awake and touching himself. His head turned and she quickly closed her eyes. When she heard him shift back again and she opened them.
She knew that men did this, she wasn't born yesterday, but she had never actually seen it happen. She hadn't stopped to consider that Peeta would have done this many times during his isolation here and perhaps even since her arrival. Did men need to do it? She heard a soft grunt and the motion beneath the blanket began to increase in speed. She couldn't tell by the look on his face if it was more painful or pleasurable. He reached for one of his discarded shirts and brought it within in the bedroll.
Her face was flaming with embarrassment but her body was also humming with awareness. She should close her eyes or turn away but she couldn't. She wondered what it looked like. How it would make her feel to see it in his hand or to hold it in hers. She was his wife. If she went to him he would allow her to please him. She stayed frozen in place, her fear still stronger than her curiosity. His hand was still moving and it soon became more jerky and erratic. When his head finally fell back, she saw a look of euphoria cross his face and it caused a pool of wetness in her drawers. "Kat" he whispered as his motions slowed. "Kat" he said softly again as he relaxed and smiled, his desires now sated.
She quickly moved to face the wall. She heard him turn to look at her but he must have decided that nothing was amiss because she heard his soft snoring a few minutes later. He had been thinking of her. Most likely imagining bedding her as he had stroked himself. He was her husband and he wanted to mate with her. She tried to control her breathing. More than that she knew, he wanted relations, loving ones and she shouldn't deny him that. If she did he would come to resent her. He might even seek out company with another. She didn't want that. As much as she feared a sexual relationship with him, she yearned for it too. She wanted to feel connected to him and she would face any sort of fire before she let another woman have him.
Peeta wasn't sure what was going on with Katniss the next day as they drove the wagon to church. She was quiet. Even quitter than usual which was saying something. She didn't seem angry, just…flustered, distracted maybe. He tried to engage her in conversation several times but eventually gave up. It was exhausting trying to read her moods and understand them.
Peeta enjoyed the service. It had been a long time since he had been able to attend regularly and participate in community worship and communion. Afterward, he made a point of visiting with Thom and saying hello to Delly. She was scheming up ways to trap Thom into marriage with her again and he would have no part of it. He did intend to help with a barn raising that was coming up though. Many neighbors had aided in building his own and he wanted to return the favor. They were usually very festive occasions and Katniss would enjoy it.
As his thoughts fell to her he realized that she was nowhere in sight. He walked around the building to check the wagon but she wasn't there either. She must have gone back inside to get something or possibly to speak to the minister. Most folks were heading out and he waved goodbye before he opened the door to step back inside. The site and sounds that he beheld would be within him for the rest of his life.
His wife sat at the piano and the music that came from it was lovely. The midmorning sunlight caught in her hair and it shined with life. Her face was relaxed in joy and contentment, a faint smile at her lips. He had never seen her so in her element. It was wonderful but absolutely nothing compared to the beauty of her voice as it poured forth an ancient hymn. The quality was so rich that he thought it might literally spill over the pews and engulf him. He stood transfixed as she performed each note and when her song was complete she turned to him and grinned. He swallowed and tried to catch his breath. She was the most gorgeous thing he had ever experienced or heard of in his life and he was a complete goner.
It was Katniss's turn to be confused on the return home. Peeta had chattered away all morning but now he was silent and withdrawn. When she had a chance to sneak away after church she couldn't help herself. She hadn't played the piano in so long she didn't know if she still could but once her fingertips rested on the keys it all came back in a flood. When she had noticed him watching she had sang extra sweetly to impress him. She was hoping that he would be pleased. Her parent's friends had always complimented her on her singing voice when she was younger.
She had a hard time believing that his change in attitude was due to his displeasure with the quality of her musical talent. After all, when they married she hadn't claimed to have such abilities at all. Something else was bothering him. Perhaps his solemnness had more to do with the song she had chosen than its singer. It was an old religious classic that her grandmother had taught her. It was possible that he had memories associated with it as well. If he did she was guessing that they were not joyful ones.
By the time they returned to the cabin it was late afternoon. She should have packed a lunch for them to eat along the way but her mind had been elsewhere that morning. When they walked in Peeta grabbed a quilt off of her bed and began placing food in a basket. "I thought we might go for a picnic today" he suggested. His shift in attitude and willingness to delay the meal seemed odd but she agreed and before she knew it he had walked her out to the cow pond and spread out the blanket.
"It's a good thing it is so late in the year or this wouldn't be such a pleasant experience" she joked as she took a seat. He glanced around and laughed. Today was warmer than most and the cattle had been staying closer to the barn which meant that the manure they produced no longer littered the area. A cool breeze drifted across her shoulders and Katniss shivered despite the warmth of the sun.
"Here" Peeta said coming to sit behind her and taking a bite out of an apple. He pulled her against his chest and she let her head fall back on his shoulder.
She snuggled closer as she ate the food he had prepared. A funny feeling settled low in her belly as she leaned into him. It was awfully romantic being held in his arms as they watched the wind sway the grass of the prairie. She giggled a little to herself. She had become hopelessly softhearted since coming here. Peeta watched her carefully and managed to sneak a few kisses here and there as they ate. She didn't pull away from him but she wasn't encouraging him to take it further either. He needed to do something else, be bolder, and sweep her off her feet.
"You were very beautiful today" he told her. She sat up and turned to look at him in surprise. "You're singing I mean" he clarified. "It was very pretty. I mean you are too, that is…you look that way. I like how you look and how you sound." He covered his face as it started to turn red. Every time he tried to impress her he just came off as a fool.
"You liked my singing?" she asked, seeming not to notice how he had tripped over his own lines.
"It was unbelievable" he answered taking her hand and stroking it with his thumb. "I've never heard anyone sound so angelic."
She snorted a bit when she laughed. "I doubt that is how anyone would describe me" she observed.
"I didn't think so at first either" he admitted bringing his chin to rest atop her head. "But the more I get to know you the more you reveal what an incredible woman you are." She was silent and he knew that she didn't believe him. "You are a great cook and a knowledgeable farmer. You take good care of me and you are honest and loyal. You're smart with numbers and fine on a horse. The traps you set provide ample meat and today I found out that you have the voice of song bird. You are also very beautiful. I am incredibly lucky that you came to me Kat."
She let his voice and words flow over her still healing wounds like a soothing balm. She had pleased him and he found her a suitable wife. Already he had developed a pet name for her. She liked it. No one had called her that since she was a girl. She wanted to be Kat. She closed her eyes and let herself dream. Kat was a woman with a family who was well loved and cherished. She had roots and a home and she wasn't afraid of the full affections of a man. Yes, she wanted very much to be that person.
She lay in his arms for a long time just feeling his heart beat against her spine and drinking in his comfort and acceptance. "You hadn't played for a long time" he noted. She shook her head in confirmation. "What happened to you Katniss? I can tell you've had an education and training as a lady. How did you end up where Haymitch found you?" She took a death breath. She knew he would ask eventually and he had been a good friend and husband. He had earned her trust and the right to more disclosure.
"I was born on a plantation in Georgia" she started. Once the words started coming they were easier than she thought they would be. As if she were narrating someone else's life story rather than her own. "We weren't among the highest elite but we were well to do. My father was a respected planter and my mother ran the household. My mother taught me to read and when I got older I studied with a tutor. I had music classes too. That's where I learned to play the piano. I sang at church and I had a pretty comfortable life."
Peeta looked thoughtful. "You had a sister named Prim too." She pulled away from him a little startled. She was willing to start talking but she wasn't sure she was ready to discuss the loss of her little duck yet. "When you've talked about your past you always say us and you call for her at night sometimes."
She flinched in pain at the mention of her beloved but nodded and settled back against him again. "Yes" she whispered. "She was 6 years younger than me and I loved her more than anyone in the world."
Her breathing had accelerated but Peeta held her steady. "It sounds like you had a close family" Peeta said.
"We did" she agreed.
"But then the war came" he added with a grim certainty.
She fought back the tears. "My father was so sure of himself when he signed up" she managed. "He said that the Yankees were cowards and that he would be back before Christmas. I never saw him again. We found out later that he was killed in action at the battle of Sharpsburg."
His lips found her hair and the gentle kisses gave her the strength she needed to continue. "By the time we found out Papa wasn't coming home the planation was already in decline. Most of the slaves had run off and the ones left were less and less inclined to listen to my mother. She fell into a depression and when we got the news from the war department she gave up completely and died of consumption a few weeks later. I held things together for a while longer for Prim but when Sherman's men came they took what little we had left and burned the house and barns. Myself and a couple of the Negros were trying our best to save the house and I didn't realize my sister had gone into the barn to look for her cat. It collapsed before she could make it out."
She was crying in earnest and he held her and kissed the tears streaking her cheeks. "After that night there was nothing left. I walked around in a haze for a while but I had to get work and support myself. I had to make sure that I had a place to sleep and that I could eat right. I learned to work on farms for other people and I did that until I met Haymitch and came here." When she finished she let her tense muscles relax. It was draining to recount the tragic events of her life but it also made the burden feel lighter.
"Why did you have to go with strangers?" he asked. "Didn't you have relatives or friends that you could stay with?"
She shook her head at the awful memories. "None that were willing to keep me for very long. It was a hard time and people didn't need more trouble caring for me."
His expression was pained and sympathetic. "You were so young Katniss."
She raised her eyebrows. "You weren't exactly an old man when you struck out west yourself" she observed.
He took a couple of deep breaths. He knew it was his turn to share about his past. "I had to get away from home" he confessed. "I haven't told anyone about my family since the day I left but I'm going to tell you because you're my wife and I want to be close to you. I want to really know each other." She took his hand and interlaced their fingers in acceptance.
"As far as I know both my parents are still alive and I have two older brothers who are married with children as well. They both served in and survived the war and my father made sure to get word to me when it was over that they were both alright. My mother inherited a large plantation in Savanah when she was still relatively young and my father runs a successful bakery in the city. My father owns the businesses on paper but my mother is lord of both of them. They met at a ball and my mother got pregnant and they got married. They weren't very happy together but they were very financially successful."
She looked to the barn and thought of the mechanical reaper and the fancy cook stove. Her gaze drifted to her shoes and her eyes widened. "Yeah" he said softly. "I want to make a go of it with the farm because this came from my own labor and I earned it but I have money in the bank, a pretty significant amount. My father insists on continuing to deposit my share. We are fairly wealthy Katniss." She nearly fainted and he had to check and make sure that she was ok.
"Why didn't you say something before?" she asked.
"Would it have mattered?" he questioned. She thought a moment before shaking her head. A million thoughts were running through her mind. She was confident by this point that she had married a good man but she didn't realize that she had married a rich one. That boded extremely well for future children but it also made her uneasy. One of the reasons she had started to relax was that she thought he needed her to make the farm successful. The fact that it was more of a project than a necessity made her less secure.
"About the time I turned eighteen my mother and I had a big quarrel. She had always been disappointed in me and got along much better with my eldest brother. When I was little she sometimes got physical with me. When my father wasn't around she beat me sometimes."
Katniss turned in his arms and hugged him tight. She knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of painful blows and she couldn't image the trauma of that kind of treatment coming from her own mother. Peeta was so sweet. How could anyone hurt him? Especially when he was still a boy. In her mind's eye she saw him at five or six years old, his curls unruly and his face eager for love and affection. Unconsciously, her hand found her middle and rested there.
"After that last fight I wasn't welcome to live in her home anymore and I had no desire to remain there either. When I was able to, I packed up what I could carry and left. I was fine with supporting myself but my father sent after me and gave me the information for my bank account. He leaves news with the bank manager from time to time along with the funds. I don't know if my mother knows about it or not. I doubt it."
"Your mother sounds awful and I don't blame you for breaking ties with her but don't you miss your father and brothers? It seems a bit drastic to abandon your whole life there just to avoid her."
He rubbed his face in his hands. "It's more than that. My life there was finished. I wanted to start over and build something completely new and fresh. Something that I could share with someone who I care for deeply and who cares for me in return."
His voice was low and deep and it released butterflies within her stomach. "What about friends?" she questioned. "Surely you had other relationships in the community. A sweetheart too?" Her question was painful to ask and she wasn't sure she wanted an answer but for some reason she needed to know.
"Yes" he said regretfully. "I left behind one very good friend from childhood but he couldn't come with me. I…I did have an intended as well. Her name was Madge and we were expected to marry. She was my second cousin on my mother's side and her father had business interests that would have fit well with my parent's."
Katniss felt her insides twist with apprehension and nausea. Peeta had loved before and had to leave her behind. That may be why he had stayed single for a time. He needed a chance to get over her. She just hoped that he had. "What happened to her?" she asked.
His eyes filled with pain and she wished she could take the question back. "She decided she didn't want to marry me anymore" he said.
"What?" Katniss exclaimed in outrage. "She just decided she didn't care for you just like that? I don't believe it."
He stroked her back to calm her and kissed the side of her face. "She didn't want to come west. She had a very comfortable life in Savannah and she wasn't going to walk away from it to chase dreams with me. It was ok. Our relationship was more of a business arrangement than it was a love match."
Katniss sighed. "Kind of like us" she observed.
His hands moved to her face and held it while he spoke to her. "I hope not Kat. I know that is how it started but I wish more for us. I want more if it grows over time."
The slight nod of her head was all the invitation he needed. His kiss was deep and thorough as he laid her back against the blanket. Their moans blended as their tongues caressed. Her hands roamed his back and his sifted through her hair. She didn't object when he laid his body over her and her hips lurched upward when his mouth fell to her neck.
Katniss had never felt so gloriously reckless and when she had an opening she kissed the column of his throat and sucked on his ear lobe too. She wanted to give him this, wanted to please him and make him feel loved. She was responding well so Peeta dared to take the next step and cup her breast through the material of her dress. She groaned and arched it forward into his grip. He had never been so hard and he ground his erection against her.
When she felt his distinct hardness and his hand reached beneath her skirt she panicked. Her mind flashed with blood and her nostrils filled with the scent of liquor. She had to get away. She had to run. He would hurt her. He felt her withdraw from his attentions and she begin to push him away.
"No" she murmured. "Peeta please. Please don't."
Her desperate whimper broke him and he withdrew his hand. He slumped forward against her and his mouth fell to her neck although his kisses ceased. "Katniss" he groaned. "I need you. I need you so much. I know you're scared but I'll be careful."
He could feel her shaking and he fell to her side and hugged her against him. His hands rubbed soothing circles on her back as he continued to beg her. "It's ok. It's going to be fine. It's my first time too. We can learn together. There is nothing to be afraid of."
His words hit her like a ton of bricks. He didn't know. Haymtich hadn't told him anything. All this time she believed that he was aware of her trouble he had assumed she was ignorant and fearful of the pain of losing her virginity. She was in trouble. She was in deep trouble and she didn't know what to do.
"It's not that" she lied. "I just…I'm on my courses right now. We can soon, just not today."
Peeta looked sad as he sat back but he still held her a while longer. Dinner was late that night and it was also very quiet. He was crushed. She hadn't been truthful with him. He knew she wasn't on her monthly. He saw the rags on the drying line two weeks ago. She had made it up just so she wouldn't have to be with him. He had hoped that intimacy and honesty between them would grow after what they had shared today but that was clearly not the case. She didn't want him and he had no idea how to change her mind.
Katniss was too lost in her own thoughts to notice his withdraw. Peeta had thought her an unblemished bride when he had agreed to their wedding. He didn't understand what her issues where and very soon he was expecting to deflower her. She had bought herself a few days with her falsehood but she had also established a very short timeline. She was going to have to let him and soon. She was just hoping that his lack of experience would ensure that he didn't notice hers.