Katniss agonized over how to tell Peeta that she was no longer a virgin but she could find neither the words nor the nerve to actually do it. What was she supposed to say? "Peeta, I'm sorry but I've been with a man before and I thought Haymitch already told you?" She sighed. She knew that he would be furious. Worse than that, he would be deeply disappointed and he would feel betrayed. She hadn't deliberately mislead him but she was afraid that he would not see it that way.
They still hadn't been together so if she told him the truth now they could still get an annulment. Nausea rolled through her, she didn't want to leave. She wanted him to smile and hold her hand. She couldn't stand to see the look in his eyes when he discovered what she was. He wouldn't reach for her again. He would cast her aside. He had quickly become her closest friend and now she was going to lose him.
It was still very early but she dressed and headed to the barn for morning chores. She milked Johanna who she swore was getting larger by the day. When she approached Smokey he eyed her wearily. He didn't rebuff her attentions but he wasn't as relaxed with her as he was with Peeta. "Hey boy" she said gently, stroking his mane. He was beautiful despite his many scars and he was strong and sure footed. Most people would have written him off after the injuries he had suffered but Peeta had seen that he was still a good horse. He had worked with him and given him time and rest to heal.
"Maybe he'll see something of value in me too" she told the animal extending an apple in greeting. This, he was happy to see and he took it from her greedily. She laughed at how easily won over he was and she took out his brush and spoiled him further before serving his breakfast. He nodded and nuzzled her hand. She could see why Peeta loved him. He was loyal and grateful when treated well. If only human relationships were so simple.
On their wedding day, she had still been mighty uncertain that this was the right step for her life but now she knew that it was. He needed her and she wanted to be a good wife to him. She would do what he asked or what was best for him from here on out but she couldn't change the past. Her guilt grew all the more when they saw Delly at church and she informed Peeta that the goods he had ordered had arrived. The three of them stopped at the store together on their way home and loaded them up.
She now owned 3 new dresses, a brush and set of combs for her hair, and a soft white night gown that she was too terrified to even try on. He wanted to see her in it. But what if he didn't like what he saw? She was overwhelmed by his generosity but concerned that she was wholly underserving of it. He had also purchased a family Bible that sat on the chest at the foot of the bed. He had been very proud to present it to her as a wedding present after he had entered both of their names in the front. He was every bit the perfect and gentlemanly Christian husband and she felt like an imposter.
She also felt remorse over their sleeping arrangements. The nights were getting cold and when the fire died down she knew that both of them were chilly. She expected him to push her again about sharing the bed but he had let the topic of conversation drop. She was doing her best not to shiver one night when she heard him calling out in the darkness. This wasn't like the time she had caught him self-indulging. The fear and pain in his voice were clear as he begged someone to stop.
She wasn't sure how to comfort him but when she recalled the times he had held her close she knew she had to try. She slipped out of bed and went over to jostle his arm. He didn't wake and continued to toss and turn so she shook him harder. She called his name repeatedly and his eyes fluttered open and tried to focus.
Peeta had been lost in the same old nightmare, doing his best to run away as the carriage bore down on him. He was terrified that it would strike him again. It might kill him this time and he had to get away. He heard someone calling for him and when he managed to respond he saw Katniss hovering beside him. Her hair was loose and the soft glow of the fire played on her face. His wife was here. He could relax.
He let out the breath he had been holding and she slid into his bedroll beside him. She kissed his cheek and nestled her head against his chest. He inhaled her scent and ran his fingers through her long dark locks. She never wore it down so this was a coveted luxury. He loved her already and her presence brought him a sense of peace.
When his heart had slowed and her breathing became more and more heavy he tried to move her back to the bed. "No" she murmured against his chest. "You need me to be with you tonight" she protested. "It's ok" he soothed as he placed her beneath the covers. You woke me. I'm fine now." Her expression became obstinate. "Stay here with me then" she told him. He sighed. "Katniss, I'll be right over there. I know you don't want to sleep together."
"You don't know what I want" she huffed in exasperation. "I know you aren't ready for relations yet" he observed. "You've made that abundantly clear." She couldn't argue with that. "Peeta" she said firmly. "The nights are getting cold and I want to be closer to you. Please come to bed. We are husband and wife. We should be sleeping together."
He didn't like her reasoning. He didn't want his wife to share his bed because of social expectation or weather. He longer for her to actually desire him. He craved her love and acceptance. That wasn't what she was offering though and it was becoming increasingly painful to accept anything less. He brought the covers to her chin and kissed her forehead before returning to his roll on the floor.
Katniss knew that she had made this bed but she had no intention of lying in it. At least not by herself forever. The chill returned and she clenched her teeth together to keep them from chattering. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He was cruel not to come to her when she had asked and he was a fool for sleeping on the floor when he could be sharing the bed. She let her anger boil within until she finally reached over and gave the pillow beside her a good punch. It felt good and she repeated the gesture several times over until she felt her hurt and frustration diminish.
She laid on her back and tried to think about things from his perspective. He had sent for a wife and she had come to take that role. He had held up his end of the bargain once they had decided on it. She had worked hard for him but so had he for her. He had shared everything and truly given her the best of what he had. She slept in the bed. He did the hardest chores whenever she let him. He had been kind and considerate and he had also shared things with her about his past.
He had done his part and still she hadn't slept with him. He had given her more time at her request. It wasn't fair of her to expect him to sleep at her side and not touch her. He was a man and he had urges. He came to her when she needed him for comfort but she had not come to him when he needed her for relief. She wasn't a good wife. She needed to face this with him. She needed to fulfill her part of the agreement.
Silently, she reached into the chest and retrieved the nightgown he had bought her. Her nipples puckered from the cold as she removed his old shirt that she slept in and pulled it on. She doubted that he was sleeping. She had to have woke him with the little tantrum she had just thrown. He had added to the fire before returning to bed and she could see his look of surprise as she joined him.
She held her chin up as she agreed to face the inevitable. "I'm ready Peeta" she informed him. "I'm…I'm ready to be with you." Her lip quivered and she did her best not to cry. His lips found the edge of her mouth and the side of her face. "You're gorgeous in this Kat" he whispered. "And I want you more than I've ever wanted anything…But…You aren't ready. I can see that. I'm sorry for everything. I just want you to be happy and I want it to be me who makes you happy. Being with me wouldn't be a good thing for you right now."
She closed her eyes and a tear fell. He opened his arms she came to him. She cried into his nightshirt and he rocked her gently. "You make me happy" she sobbed and he wanted to believe her. She didn't want physical intimacy with him but she sought him out in all other ways. When she had completely exhausted herself he watched her face relax in sleep. He wasn't lying. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever known. The gown was cut low and he could see the tops of her breasts through the opening in the bedroll. Her figure was filling out and he smiled. Not because of his desire to possess her but because she was gaining in health. She was doing better with each passing day. He was glad that he was playing a role in it.
The next night she refused to sleep on her own. He climbed into his bedroll and she joined him. They were both stubborn and suffered on the floor for nearly a week before he relented and joined her in their bed. He had no intention of ever sleeping apart from her again.
The light early snows had come and gone and the farm work was continuing to slow. He took long walks with Katniss every day. They roamed the land and made plans for the future. There were so many improvements he wanted to make and she was equally enthused about the potential of the investments. He observed that there were times when she was troubled but when they spoke of the years to come and the bounty that awaited them she was completely radiant.
He mentioned children several times and she seemed supportive but still no more willing to engage in the act that created them. He was starting to wonder what she actually knew about sexual intercourse. Perhaps she didn't know what to expect. Her mother had died when she was still relatively young and she had never mentioned a beau. Maybe she had never been explained what was involved. She had befriended Cecelia and she was an older and married woman but he didn't know if women spoke of such things to one another. Haymitch wasn't the proper person to explain things and he couldn't imagine how awkward it would be for him to bring it up with Delly. She was a single female but he doubted she was completely innocent given some of Thom's bragging.
He was mulling things over once again when he saw his bride approaching. It was the warmest day in weeks and she held a basket in her hand. "Peeta" she exclaimed. "I can't believe it. I found some berries by the woods and they are still good." His answering grin fell to the floor along with the heart inside of his chest. "You didn't eat them did you?" he asked in alarm. His sharp tone frightened her and she nodded, her pulse starting to pick up pace. He rushed forward. "Let me see them" he called and ripped the basket from her hands. "Katniss" he yelled. "This is nightlock."
He could tell by the look on her face that she had no idea what it was. He was an idiot. He should have cautioned her when she first arrived but he thought she knew. He hated himself for his thoughtlessness. They didn't have them back home, of course she didn't know. She screamed as he lunged for her. He grabbed her and shoved two of his fingers down her throat. She thought she was suffocating and dry heaved around them. He held her tighter and shoved them down again. She vomited on the ground. He repeated the gesture again until her stomach bile stained his work pants.
When he released her she could see that he was crying. Her life was over. "Am…am I going to die?" she asked weakly. He pulled her close and hugged her quickly before whistling for Smokey. He pulled her up beside him and took off in a direction she had yet to travel. "No Kat" he whispered in her ear. "You won't die. They are out of your body now and I'm going to get you some help. You're going to live. I'm going to keep you with me."
Peeta was out of his mind with worry. If he didn't get her to the healers quickly she would surely perish. Already, she was woozy and coming in and out of consciousness in his arms. The berries caused strong and sometimes frightening hallucinations. She would suffer and he couldn't bear to see her endure more pain. He would gladly swallow the poison in her stead but that wasn't an option. He had one hope and he was riding towards it with all the speed he and Smokey could muster.
When he reached the Indian encampment he went straight for the trading house. The healers would not be present but he needed an interpreter and he needed one fast. He was relieved to see a young brave who he had traded with several times before. The young man's English was broken but more than adequate for the situation and he understood far more than he could speak. As Peeta entered everyone turned to him with raised eyebrows. They were accustom to him being a single man and he carried Katniss bridal style and completely unconscious. "You wish trade her?" the brave called out. "I give you horse and sister."
His smile faltered when he saw Peeta's face. "My woman is very sick" he told him. "She ate some nightlock berries and she needs medicine. I can pay very much." The young man nodded and led him quickly to another enclosure. He had never been in it before but guessed by the decoration and the people standing outside that it housed the medicine men. They went immediately to the front of the line and ducked inside. The brave spoke quickly to a man at the entrance and then motioned for him to bring her further within.
"Grandmother" the young man told him gesturing to one of the women in attendance. "She give woman medicine. You trade with me for what I say." Peeta nodded. "Yes" he agreed. "You give my woman the medicine and I'll give you anything that you want in return. That is a good trade." The agreement was made and the older woman went to work making a potion for Katniss to drink. It was the first time Peeta had dared to breathe even somewhat deeply since she told him what she had eaten. Nightlock had killed many whites over the years but Indians sometimes managed to survive. Peeta would be concerned that they were just leading him on and telling him what he wanted to hear but they hadn't demanded the trade up front. If they knew Katniss was going to die they would have made sure to secure the goods in advance.
When she had taken the cup prepared for her Peeta sat and held her close. She kept mumbling and calling for Prim. The woman mixed a second amount and shoved it into his hand some time later. She coughed and nearly chocked on it but he eventually forced it down. The sun was getting lower in the sky and he wondered if the tribe would allow them to spend the night. He doubted it. A group of them had died after taking a white woman hostage years ago and they generally considered them to be a bad omen. Many whites carried disease from the eastern cities so they probably weren't very far off the mark.
The young man returned a few minutes later. "Woman" he said motioning to Katniss. Peeta could tell that the other man was searching for the words that he needed. "Woman… die soon or no die." Peeta nodded, although the sentence was poorly constructed he understood the message.
By the time he had her home night had fallen. He wished he could get word to Haymitch but there was no way he was going to leave her and there was no one to fetch him. Her body was drenched with sweat and he brought his hand to her forehead. A fever raged beneath her sun kissed skin. Desperation crawled beneath his own.
He stripped their bed down to a single covering and laid her atop it. He didn't want to start a fire but the temperature was dropping and while he needed to cool her he didn't want her to freeze. He was also in need of light to work by. He removed her dress and even her drawers and chemise. Her body was revealed to him for the first time but it only caused a wave of anguish. She was young and fresh and perfect and she might well be dying. He should have given her a way out when she first arrived. If he had she wouldn't have fallen victim to his negligence.
He fetched water and bathed her throughout the long hours. She cried out again and again in her delirium. She begged for her sister, her father, and also for him. His heart swelled with love as he washed her fragile body. His Katniss may not love him yet but she wanted him, she needed him. By morning she was still breathing but her fever hadn't broken. Water flowed from her eyes and she had defecated everything that remained in her digestive tract.
His handles trembled as he propped her up against him to drink again and again. He registered relief each time that she swallowed. If she stopped taking water she wouldn't make it. He turned her on her stomach and washed and gently rubbed the scars on her back. If she died he vowed to find the perpetrator and kill him. Without her, his life wouldn't have much meaning anyway.
He bowed in prayer for hours begging for her life. He asked forgiveness for every unkind thought or deed he had ever had and for hers as well hoping that if he could make them right with their maker she would not be taken as a sacrifice. When he couldn't pray anymore he made her every promise one person could make to another. If she could just get well he would take better care of her. He would never be short tempered and he would love her so exquisitely.
By the time evening came he was nearly as disoriented as her from hunger and lack of sleep. He held her hand and kissed her face repeatedly. He recalled how strong willed she was. How wonderfully determined and full of life when confronting even the greatest challenges. He sat and spoke to her deep into the night. He confessed his fear of her rejection and his desires for their future together. He was completely exhausted but doing his best to cram a lifetime of conversations into a single night just in case this was his last chance to talk to her. Eventually, he succumbed to his need for rest, but he did so with her fingers wrapped in his.
He woke to the sound of Johanna calling from the barn. She had to be completely miserable. His hand flew to Katniss's brow and he could tell that her fever was subsiding. A grin spread across his face and he let out a loud whoop as he ran towards the barn. He dispensed with his chores in record time and returned to sit with her. Although she had yet to regain consciousness she wasn't dead. In fact, her condition was noticeably improving. She was going to be alright. His wife was going to recover.
He bathed her down again to remove the last residue of illness and sweat. He knew it was wrong but now that the immediate crisis had passed he couldn't help but notice how lovely she was and his trousers were more than a little bit too tight. He was disgusted by his reaction. She had been on death's door not a few hours before. Still, he couldn't keep his body in check as he took in her gorgeous breasts, flat stomach, and the hair that covered her mound. What an amazing creature.
He dressed her in her nightgown which made it easier to contain his urges but not by much. Now that her survival was certain he had the courage to admit the depth of his affections. He stroked her cheek and professed his devotion. "My beautiful Kat, please come back to me" he whispered in her ear. "I care for you more than anyone or anything. I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy. If you never feel the same way I will still be the best husband that I possibly can."
She heard his voice but as if at a distance and her eyes fluttered open. "Katniss?" he asked in disbelief. When he saw her grey eyes staring back at him he started to cry. "Katniss" he choked out in relief. He scooped her up and sat on the bed. He rocked her and covered her in kisses. Her body felt like it had been run over by a horse but Peeta was with her. He was cuddling her and calling her his darling. Telling her that he wanted and needed her more than his next breath. She wanted to soak in his affections but she knew that he was still in shock from the ordeal they had suffered.
When she regained her bearings he sat her in a chair at the table. She was still as weak as a newborn kitten so she simply watched while he prepared a meal. They ate in near silence, just staring at the other and marveling that they were both still alive. She slept in his arms that night but he didn't repeat his passionate professions and she felt sure that it was a retraction. She woke from nightmares and he soothed her but he didn't kiss her lips or call her by pet names.
Her heart was conflicted. She longer to hear those pretty words from him when not just an overreaction born from the imminence of her death but she also feared them. Was unsure what she would do if he loved her that deeply. They would belong to each other then, heart and soul and she couldn't bear to be ripped away from him by quarrel or by tragedy. Life was too fragile to trust in deep and abiding companionship.
Peeta was also in turmoil. His Katniss was safe. She was well and she was sleeping against his chest. For the moment that was the dominant reality. But he was certain that she had heard him. She knew of his love and did not return it. Worse, she did not even acknowledge it. Could he mean so little to her? He sighed and nuzzled her hair. It didn't matter. His heart belonged to her regardless what worth she gave it. Katniss was on the mend and he had been given more time to be with her.