Peeta kept her confined to the house for the next several days while she recovered. It was overkill but she knew that she had frightened him and he had cared for her so well that the least she owed him was a complete recovery. He had seen her naked and she couldn't help but dwell on it during her long hours of rest. It had been strictly to care for her medical needs but it was still an intimacy that she had never experienced with another. She was actually glad that she had been unconscious. It had saved her a lot of anxiety. He had seen her meager feminine features and he still cared for her deeply. She relaxed at the knowledge that she had met with his approval.
Haymitch stopped by and shook his head at her when he heard what she had done. "I warned ya bout them on the day we got here" he said. "You did not" she shot back. "Yep I did" he said "Must a been day dream'in bout lover boy here" he teased her. She made a face at him. "I hadn't even met Peeta yet" she reminded him. "I didn't know that he was handsome." She caught herself a second too late and had to endure a whole evening of comments from the old man over dinner and cards.
The next morning the ground was covered with snow and Peeta snored softly beside her. She could hear Johanna calling from the barn. For heaven's sake that cow was obnoxious. She dressed quickly so that she could take care of the morning chores before Peeta could stop her. She milked the impatient animal and then fed and watered her. She tended her horse as well but when she came to Smokey she found his stall empty. That was odd. She looked around the barn but she didn't see any tracks. "Peeta" she called and ran to the house.
"Peeta" she yelled again flinging the door open. He turned to her in alarm as he pulled his pants into place. It would have been awkward if she were not so upset about the missing animal. "Smokey" she panted. "Smokey is gone."
She saw him relax and sit back down on the bed. He was silent for a moment trying to think of the right words. "Yes" he admitted. "I traded him to the Indians for the medicine we needed to cure you."
"But…" she sputtered. "You can't do that. Peeta he was your horse. You saved him and loved him and he was your friend."
She was breathing fast again and he closed the distance between then and hugged her to his chest. "Kat" he said softly. "He is a damned good horse and I love him but he is still just an animal. You're my wife. I didn't think twice about trading him for your wellbeing." She gave him a look of total disbelief. "We can buy another horse" he reassured her. "If I lost you…having him would have been no comfort to me."
Katniss thought about his words over the next few days. It made her sad every time she thought of Smokey but it also reminded her of the depth of her husband's affections for her. She tried to process what it all meant but she honestly didn't know what to do with it. She had never intended to have someone care for her so much. She wasn't sure she wanted to accept that kind of responsibility and devotion.
When the first snow melted a rider came to tell Peeta that they were putting up the barn. A family had experienced trouble on the journey and arrived late in the season. They had put everything into building a house for themselves and were now in desperate need of help to raise a barn or they would lose their animals to the cold. Talk of the event had been going on for a while but now they had the land cleared and were ready to proceed.
Katniss didn't normally like to be left out of performing the brunt of the labor but when they arrived she joined the women in preparing the meal and watched Peeta work with the rest of the men. She had no skills in construction and wouldn't be a help anyway. Thom was serving as foreman and under his guidance the men made progress quickly. They wouldn't be able to complete it today but if they could get the frame up the man and his sons could finish the rest.
She observed the teamwork with something close to awe. She had never seen a structure take shape in a matter of just a few hours before. She also spent plenty of time observing her husband. He was easy to look at and his shirt stretched taught over his muscular chest. He was also well respected by others and trusted in the community. The sun caught in his blonde curls and she watched his arms flex again. Her face was getting heated and her breath coming fast. That man wanted to bed her. She had to turn away.
"So Katniss" Delly said coming over to put an arm around her. "How are things going with Peeta?"
"Oh fine" Katniss told her. "Most of the autumn work is done and the farm had decent yields for the year."
Delly rolled her eyes. "No Katniss" she sighed. "How are things going with YOU AND PEETA?" She accentuated her remark with a playful wink.
"OH" the younger woman said starting to catch her drift. "Good, I mean we are still getting to know each other and all."
Delly pulled her over to a couple of chairs away from the crowd. "Ok, ok" she said. "Cut the small talk, I need to know if that man is as good with his hands in the bedroom as he is working on that barn."
For a moment Katniss didn't understand and then her face went crimson. "I…I don't know" she admitted. "We just got married and we are still learning about each other and well…we haven't been together that way yet."
"What?" Delly exclaimed so loudly that half a dozen people turned around. Fortunately, when they saw who the source of the voice was they shrugged or smiled and just continued working. "You haven't slept with Peeta yet?" she asked much more quietly. "Why not? He is so handsome and kind and it's clear as day that he wants to be with you."
"I was hoping to put it off as long as possible" Katniss confided. "I just…I have heard that is, that it is awfully painful and that sort of thing doesn't appeal to me. I know they are my wifely duties and I will perform them when I need to but he agreed to give me a respite for now and I'm grateful."
Delly looked her up and down as if sizing her up. "Look Katniss" she said gently. "I'm not sure what people told you or what your experience is but being with a man who loves you doesn't have to cause pain. I mean the first time is uncomfortable but after that it can feel great if he takes the time to make love to you properly. I know Peeta and he would never hurt you."
Katniss still seemed unsure. "You know what it's like?" she asked Delly hesitantly. She got a sheepish grin in return. "Sure, Thom and I have our fun when we want to and I had a beau when I was younger, before we came west too."
Katniss couldn't believe that a woman would admit this but she wasn't one to judge. "You really think that it will be alright?" she asked. "That Peeta knows how to do it so that it doesn't feel bad?"
Delly surprised her again by bringing her in for a quick hug. "He probably does" she said. "And if you try it and it doesn't go well just come have another talk with me and I can have Thom speak with Peeta too. I know you were a mail order and I'll be honest with you Katniss some of your reservations have me worried about you. But I also know that you have a patient husband and I think he will be able to allay some of your fears if you let him. It might help if you talk to him. Tell him some of the things that you are specifically concerned about and why."
Katniss nodded even as she determined that she would never do such a thing. She couldn't talk to Peeta about the past. She had no words for it and even if she did it was something that men could never understand. Even so, Delly had experience and she said that it could feel good. Maybe if she tried it with someone that she cared for and who cared for her in return she would find that Delly was right.
Peeta enjoyed working with the guys. He didn't know many of them well but he missed this kind of comradery over the last few years. It was tradition to break halfway through the day and for the women to serve the meal. As they sat he noticed the man next to him pull his wife onto his lap for a quick kiss. She was a bit flustered by his very public display but he could see the love in her eyes as she weakly chastised him. The man across the table had a young boy on his knee and his wife was clearly heavy with another. He glanced at Katniss. She kept her eyes on her plate and barely spoke to him as they ate.
At first he thought that she was uncomfortable with the crowd but when she got up to clear the dishes he saw her talking and laughing with Delly and her cousin Annie. He continued to glance at her late into the afternoon. She was having a great time helping the women of the family store the unused food and continue work on a large quilting project. His heart ached. It wasn't the other people she didn't want to be with, it was him.
Peeta was extremely quiet on the way home. Katniss wasn't sure what the issue was. He had enjoyed working on the barn. She knew that he had. She tried to strike up conversation but it died quickly. She slipped her hand into his and he gave her a grateful smile but it also seemed kind of sad. Perhaps she should confess some of the thoughts and feelings she had been having to him. She just wasn't sure how to bring it up.
It was late when they returned home and they split the chores before eating a quick dinner. It was cold and stale but they were both ravenous and they devoured it despite its lack of appeal. When they went to clean up she noticed that he practically threw his dishes and when he stubbed his toe he kicked the chair so hard that it nearly fell over. She tensed in alarm. He was angry and it had the effect of making her nervous and jumpy. Like she was walking on eggshells and the slightest mistake might cause him to fly into a rage.
He went to fetch water for her basin and when he charged back into the house he ran right into her. He grabbed her upper arms to keep her from falling back and lifted her back towards him to steady her. Her eyes screwed shut and she brought her arms up as if bracing herself for a blow that never came. His earlier frustration evaporated. His hands loosened but still held her. "Kat" he said softly. She didn't move. "Kat" he repeated and her eyes opened but she didn't hold his gaze. "I would never do that" he said. "I would never ever hurt you, no matter how angry I am."
Her breathing started to return to normal and he brought her in for a hug. "What did I do?" she asked. He shook his head. "What did I do to make you so mad at me?" she insisted.
"It's not you" he sighed. "It's me. I'm just frustrated with myself, with this marriage, with the whole situation. It's not your fault though."
She took a seat at the table, indicating that she wanted to talk it out. "Well it sounds like it's at least partially my fault. I am a part of this marriage." He took his seat next to her. His head fell into his hands and he rubbed his temples in an attempt to alleviate some of the pain.
"This whole thing is just a lot more complicated than I thought it would be" he confessed.
"I know you aren't happy" she said. "At least not today. You seemed fine the last couple of weeks but ever since lunch you've been frowning at me." He looked at her and she could see the strain in his face. His eyes looked haunted and for once he appeared much older than his 26 years. He got up and began to pace.
"I thought that I could do this" he said. She wasn't sure if he was speaking more to himself or to her. "After so long alone I thought that having companionship would be enough, that I could be satisfied with your presence here." Her heart sank. She wasn't enough for him. He was stuck with her but he wasn't pleased about it.
"I'm sorry Peeta" she said and he stopped to look at her. "I've been trying my best but I can understand your disappointment. I mean…you didn't choose me and I haven't been the wife that I should be to you. But I'm ready to do that, I really am." She stood and began to unbutton her dress. She was going to offer herself like a sacrificial lamb and it was more than he could bear.
"Stop" he said, reaching to still her fingers. He held her hands in his. "Katniss, don't." Her eyes lowered to the floor.
"So now you don't want me for that either?" she asked. For a moment she seemed so sad, almost like she did that day that he found her on the prairie. But when she lifted her chin he saw her signature defiance. "That isn't fair" she spat. "Peeta, I have been trying. I know that I'm not as well-endowed as Delly but I've been eating and I'm starting to fill out. I kiss you. I hold you at night. I cook and clean and I know more about the farm than you do. I'm not all bad and we married because you said that was what you wanted. You can't just throw me away because I'm not living up to your memories of Madge or the precious fantasy life that you've built up over time in your head."
She was really upset with him. She was pushing back on what she believed to be unfair criticisms and she was absolutely radiant. He moved his hand to capture her cheek and rubbed his thumb against it. It wasn't a slow or gentle motion. It was swift and laced with passion. "That's just the problem with you" he stated. "You're so full of energy and life. You make me long for things with a strength that I have never known. You make my heart ache for the impossible."
Her expression morphed into one of confusion. She shook her head and started to back away. "What…what are you talking about?" she stammered.
"Today at the gathering" he started. "I kept watching all of the other men surrounded by their wives and children and I couldn't help but be eaten up by jealousy. Most of their women are here because they want to be and they have children to show for their mutual desires."
He took another step forward, she took another back. "I have a wife Katniss but you are only here because you have to be. If you had any other choice you wouldn't eat dinner with me or lay in my arms at night." He lowered the hand he had outstretched in her direction and relaxed his shoulders. "That isn't your fault though" he sighed. "It's just that envy that burns in my gut because of what I saw in those other women's eyes today." He sat back down in his chair. "It's hard for me that their wives love them while mine does not. I thought that I could live like that but things have changed and now every day gets more and more difficult."
She returned to her seat and took his hand. "What's changed?" she asked. "Why don't you want to honor the agreement we made?"
He squeezed her hand. "I will Kat. I will honor my vows to you, don't you ever doubt it." She continued to stare at him unmoving. He let out a long breath. She wasn't going to let it pass. She was going to sit with him until she got an answer. He held her gaze and interlaced their fingers. "I love you Kat" he confessed. "I fell in love with you. That's what changed."
Of all of the things she could have imagined him blaming their troubled relationship on, that was what she least expected. Her face felt hot and she wobbled a bit and for a moment she thought she would faint. Peeta reached out to steady her.
"Are you ok?" he asked, shifting his chair so that he could put a hand at her back. She nodded but she could feel her breathing coming fast.
"How…how do you know?" she asked.
He was taken back by the question but he couldn't help but smile. "How do I know that I'm in love with you?" he clarified. She nodded. He took just a moment to put his thoughts into words. "You're the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last image in my head before I fall asleep at night. I dream about your smiles and your hair falling around me. I have to check with you before I make a decision because you're smart and have good judgement. You are very discerning and are one of the few people whose opinion and respect matters to me."
Her heart was hammering in her chest as he continued his description and the light stroking of her hand. "When you talk about your sister or Cecelia you do it with so much loyalty and devotion. I am dying for you to feel that for me too. I want to protect you and give you all of the emotions that are growing inside of me. I want a future with you and I fantasize about having children with you almost every day. I can't imagine being married to anyone else and the thought of being separated from you makes me feel ill."
His eyes turned a shade darker, his voice dropping slightly deeper as he admitted the extent of his desires. "My body is constantly in revolt against my attempts to tame it. I won't lie to you Kat, I'd give anything to make you mine. I obsess about it day and night. Sometimes it is all I can do to limit myself to cuddles and kissing. I long to be inside of you, to feel your body accept me and make you fully me wife. You are incredibly beautiful and I know that you were made for my loving."
He lowered his eyes to their hands but the intensity in them did not fade. "It's been difficult to feel all of those things in the way that I do and to know that it isn't the same with you. I know that you like me fine and you do a good job of caring for me. I just feel too strongly for you to want to take a mere friendship in return."
When Peeta met her gaze again he found no rejection or regret. Even her usual hesitancy was absent. Instead, he saw his wonderful Katniss trying to hold back a smile. It faltered for a moment as she turned things over in her mind but once her decision had been made it returned with a vengeance. "Maybe you don't have to" she said so softly that he almost couldn't make out the words.
"What? Wait, what do you mean?" he asked, somewhat baffled by the cryptic response.
"I asked you how you knew you loved me because I have no experience with it" she said. "At least not romantic love between a man and a woman. I've been trying to sort out all of my thoughts and feelings ever since I met you and they just keep getting stronger and more complicated. But if what you just described is love…then I love you too Peeta." He couldn't believe his ears and for long moments he just sat there staring at her. If it wasn't such a heavy declaration she would laugh at him. She leaned forward and brought her hand to his cheek.
"I watch you working in the fields and reading at night when you don't know that I'm looking" she admitted. "Our walks are my favorite part of the day and I can't wait to feel your hand in mine. Your eye lashes are long, you like to watch sunsets, you always double knot your shoe laces, and you never take sugar in your tea." His heart filled with warmth at all the little things she had noticed about him.
"Your arms are strong and they feel incredibly good wrapped around me. When I was sick you were the only thing that I wanted. Your smiles make butterflies take off in my stomach and I bring my hand to my womb a dozen times a day wondering what your babies will look like. I was lost Peeta. Very lost and all alone and then I came here and you started loving me every day and filling all of the voids. I'm very frightened because everyone I have ever loved was taken away from me but I want these wonderful feeling inside of me to continue to grow."
She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I…I saw you" she stammered. "One night when you were…I don't know…touching yourself under the blankets. I know I wasn't supposed to but I watched you and ever since I can't stop the throbbing between my legs when we lay in bed at night. Our kisses cause a fire in my belly and I want to feel your hands on my bare skin. I've never had these thoughts or yearnings for a man before and it has been very confusing but I think you know what we need to do about it and I'm going to trust you."
To Peeta it seemed like it happened in slow motion. Her standing and taking a step back from the chair. Her fingers moved to the front of her dress and slipped the buttons through each hole one by one. When it hung loose to her middle she removed her braid and shook it out to fall along her shoulders. The thick chocolate locks framed her face and her eyes never left his. This wasn't like the times before. She wasn't moving forward to please him. She wanted this.
When she removed her chemise he thought he might die. He would certainly never recover the breath in his lungs. His faded memory of Rye's girlfriend and his youthful musing about Madge crumbled into dust at the strength of the reality of the goddess in front of him. He let out her name on a groan and moved his hands to her hips. Gently, he moved her to stand in front of him. He stayed seated, not wanting to tower over and intimidate her. Besides, he was at the perfect height for what they both needed.
He brought his hand forward slowly, fearing that if he touched her, the beautiful image before him would disappear. She reached out and grabbed it, bringing it straight to her chest. The moment he palmed her breast was one of the most exquisite of his life. Her eyes floated closed as he cupped the other and gently kneaded them. His thumbs rubbed her nipples repeatedly and her answering moans encouraged him. He could have played with her breasts all night but her head was titled back and he was dying to taste them.
When he stilled his motions she opened her eyes to look at him. They were hooded with lust and brimming with pleasure. It was all the invitation he needed. She was his wife and he wanted to suckle her.
Katniss was filled with the most amazing sensations from the treatment of Peeta's hands. She never imagined her breasts could feel so wonderful. The pleasure only intensified as she watched him lean forward and kiss them. "Yes" her mind screamed again and again. She wanted him to keep kissing her but her intuition told her that there was more. She whimpered a soft "please" and he took one of her mounds deep into his mouth. His tongue flicked over her nipple and his lips sucked her with more pressure. Her back arched and she thrust herself forward for more.
Delly was right. The things he was doing to her were nothing short of miraculous. He didn't squeeze them too tight or grab or bruise her. His mouth was intent on pleasure, not just of him but for her as well. He had been working her right breast for a while and she was appreciating all of the loving but her left one felt extremely jealous. She lifted his head and guided him towards where she needed it. He mumbled something against her skin before licking and suckling that one as well.
"Peeta" she chanted as he drove her crazy with his attentions. Her knees were growing weak and her center was incredibly wet. His eyes were startled when she pushed him back but he didn't fight her. Disappointment registered on his face before she started to work on the front of his shirt. When she pulled it off he stood and carried her to their bed. His body was on auto-pilot, it had to get what it needed. He had been denied her too long.
They tumbled onto the quilt and his kisses fell all over her neck and chest as he pulled his pants down. He removed her drawers and the feeling of his hand on her thigh started to spook her. She took a deep breath and refused to go to that dark place. She was here with Peeta and he was about to make love to her. His smile was beautiful as he checked for her willingness one last time. She loved him so much that even if this hurt like the devil she knew she would submit to him a hundred more times. She gave him a confident nod but was careful not to look below his waist. It was better if she didn't know.
Peeta pushed up her skirt and positioned himself at her entrance. He needed to calm down. He needed to go slow. The last thing he wanted to do was bring harm to her. He pushed forward and found her to be slick and ready. He took another deep breath. He was barely inside and already fighting his release. He inched forward and his eyes closed in ecstasy. She was hot and tight and she was his Kat. He was so lost in sensation that he didn't realize how far he had gone until he felt the back of her womb. He looked to wear their bodies were joined and found that he was fully sheathed within. He frowned for a moment in puzzlement. He didn't think that he had broken a barrier.
He hoped that it had just happened easily for her until he saw the look on her face. It was filled with self-recrimination, her eyes shone with a mix of half-truths and the fear of discovery. He had never seen her look at him that way. That is when it hit him like a ton of bricks. She felt guilty. She had lied to him. She wasn't a virgin.
He saw it in his mind's eye, her laying beneath another man. He heard her moans as he brought her to climax. He thought of all the nights he had waited thinking that she was nervous about her first time. It had nothing to do with apprehension about sex, she just didn't want to have sex with him. Probably because she knew it would reveal the truth. He heard his mother saying that he was weak, useless and that no woman would want him. Something inside of him snapped.
He pushed back and grabbed his pants. She moved quickly to cover herself. When he was semi-dressed again he turned to confront her. He couldn't see her face as she huddled beneath the quilt. "Why Kat?" he asked. "Why did you lie to me? Was this just so that I would marry you and you could have the farm? I would have helped you anyway. Why did make me wait so long if you has already done it anyway?" He heard her sobbing and his heart twisted in his chest. He recalled what she looked like that day on the prairie and how desperate her situation was. He couldn't say that he blamed her but he was still badly wounded and the sting of her betrayal nearly brought him to his knees.
Katniss heard the slam of the door as he walked out into the night. She hadn't been able to fake it. He knew and now that he could see what she really was he didn't want her. The sobs wracked her body in a way that they hadn't since her sister's death. It had happened again. She lost the only person that she was certain that she loved and her heart shattered into a million pieces.