Katniss could barely force herself out of bed the next morning. She didn't want to rise and face the world. Not without Peeta and not without his love. She tried her best to turn the hurt into anger but she couldn't. He had completely broken her heart and she was still in love with him. She refused to cry though. She would keep her face dry when she went out to the barn to face him no matter what it cost her.
But when she opened the door she found no trace of him. He had to have milked Johanna or she would be protesting. His new horse was gone. He must have gotten up before dawn to avoid her. She went about the business of the day and by nightfall he still hadn't returned. She readied herself for bed even as her thoughts lingered on him. It was dangerous to be on the prairie at night and bad weather could be coming. She picked up the nightgown he had given her but she couldn't bring herself to wear it. She dug out one of his shirts. A very worn one that still smelled like him. She slipped it over her head.
She woke twice in the night screaming but still he didn't return. Her hand caressed the pillow beside her. Perhaps she had really lost him. He would be back in time she knew. This was his farm and he would never abandoned it. But would he ever desire her again? Would he be willing to work on rebuilding their partnership? Could they ever trust each other enough to even try?
Days passed in which he came around to do chores but she barely saw him. He never entered the house and he didn't speak to her. Heart ache became devastation and then a grim finality. She felt as though she would be permitted to stay but that their marriage was over. She wasn't sure that she could rightfully live in another person's home and deprive him of his property.
She debated a return to Georgia but she had nothing to return to. Nothing but her friendship with Cecelia and she didn't want to cause the other woman any trouble. No, she would stay out west. But first she needed to work another season so that she could earn a share of the harvest to use as seed money.
When another week had passed she understood the cabin fever Peeta had described when she arrived. She was so isolated and lonely that she often spent a good part of the day just wandering about the house talking to herself. She imagined Peeta walking through the door so many times that she almost thought that it was real. She needed to get out of the house and do something or she was going to lose her mind. She would have loved to go to Sunday service or speak with Delly but she could hardly go to town without having to talk about Peeta.
When she had a day that she was fairly confident it wasn't going to snow she saddled up her horse and rode in the direction she always saw Haymitch come from. It took some time but eventually she found his cabin and a barely conscious old man inside. She shook him but he wouldn't wake. She felt a stab of alarm and grabbed a pitcher of water and poured it over his head. He came up sputtering and swinging and she jumped back out of his reach. He keeled over for a second and his body quaked with the force of his coughing. He covered his mouth with a rag and brought it back bloody. When his eyes managed to focus again he glared at her.
"What'er ya do'in here girl?" he demanded to know.
"Calm down Haymitch" she said evenly. "I wasn't trying to kill you, just trying to wake you."
His grumpy disposition reassured her that he was ok and he changed his shirt and started a fire while she fixed them something to eat. When they were sitting at the table with soup in hand he gave her an appraising look.
"Ya been sad ain't ya?" he asked. "An quite a bit" he added without waiting on a response. "What's go'in on with ya, more boy trouble?"
Annoyed and hurt by his dismissive attitude Katniss stood to leave but he grabbed her arm and pulled her gently back to her place at that the table.
"Alright, alright" he said. "Ain't no call for teas'in. What's go'in on down yonder with Peeta?"
She sighed. "He hasn't been here to see you at all recently?" she asked. He shook his head and she was flooded with disappointment. She considered down playing it and then decided that she had nothing to lose from telling him. If Peeta didn't want her she would be leaving the area any way and Haymitch was the closest thing they had to a family friend.
"We had a fight" she admitted. If he was surprised he gave no indication of it and motioned for her to continue. "We…I guess there is no easy way to say this…I'm not a virgin."
"Yep" he said slowly. "I figured that."
"No" she said in annoyance shaking her head. "I mean I wasn't when you brought me here."
"Figured that too" he answered.
"Well Peeta didn't" she huffed. "He didn't at all and the other night we were…together for the first time and he found out and he hasn't spoken to me since."
"He what?" Haymitch yelled.
"He left Haymtich" she admitted. "He left me. He didn't want to be with me anymore. He hasn't come back to the house. I'm pretty sure he regrets that he ever laid eyes on me."
"God dammed foolish boy" Haymitch cursed getting up and hobbling over to a chest and withdrawing a small brown bag. He stumbled back to the table and set it in front of her without explanation.
"Did ya tell'im?" he asked. "Did ya tell'im bout why ya ain't a virgin no more?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I couldn't. He thinks that I lied to him but I thought that he knew and now he hates me."
Haymitch gave her a sad smile. "Hates that other feller an himself for fall'in in love with ya more likely" he said. "I reckoned the boy had more sense but parently not. I'm surprised he hurt ya like this girl. But the hurt'in ain't go'in one way an ya should a told him the truth. It was a hell of a way fer him ta figure it out."
He motioned to the bag down in front of her. "That's fer ya in case ya don't want to stay round hear no more."
She opened it and dumped the coins on the table. It was a sizeable amount of money, more than enough to get her set up in a new location. She looked up at him in surprise.
"It's the money Peeta done gave me ta fetch ya" he told her. "I saved it in case ya hated it here and didn't want ta stay. I has try'in ta help but it's yers so if ya want ta go ya got a way out. But Katniss…can ya do old Haymitch just one thing?" he asked.
"Yes" she said, her voice starting to tremble at the reality of actually packing up to go.
"Talk ta the boy just one time before ya go an take off alright?"
She threw herself in his arms and cried. He hugged her and patted her back a bit awkwardly which caused her to laugh. He smelled awful but he cared about her and she clung to him harder. He assured her that everything was going to work out in the end. That she needed to come to terms with the past and that there was no way that was ever going to happen until she shared it with the man she loved.
Haymitch watched her go with a weight of sadness. He had intended to bring her to a better life but it seemed as if the boy had handled things badly. He probably should have given him a good talking to a lot sooner. He found his way back to the fire and sat in his chair. He was an aging man, made much older by a life of drinking. His time was growing short and he hoped that he would see the girl again but he very much doubted it. The boy though, he would be showing up any time.
His intuition proved right just a couple of days later when he was roused from a dreamless sleep by a knock at his door. He was feeling very poorly and chose not to answer it. A concerned Peeta poked his head in a few minutes later. "Haymitch" he called. "Haymitch, are you alright?"
The old man took a deep breath and began to cough. Peeta came over and helped him into a sitting position. He was surprised to find Haymitch sleepy but sober. He was unusually weak and Peeta had to help him to a chair. He glanced around the room and started the fire before moving the kitchen chair to sit beside him.
Haymitch looked at the boy and shook his head. "Well ain't ya just a beat'in pup" he observed. Peeta opened his mouth and started to speak but then stopped. All he felt was a mix of confusion and pain and he didn't know where to start. "Save it" Haymitch instructed. "The girl done been hear already and I know yer a fool."
"Katniss" Peeta said in surprise. Somehow just the act of saying her name made him feel better, less lonely somehow. He couldn't bring himself to face her the last few days but he missed her like crazy. "She was here? She talked to you about what happened? What did she say? Why did she lie to me? Does she miss me? Does she want me to come home?"
"Settle, boy…just settle" Haymitch said. Something seemed off, his breathing was heavy, labored even. "Girl said ya finally done the deed an found out she ain't no virgin an now ya don't want her no more."
Peeta leaned forward and held his head in his hands. His fingers raked through his hair in frustration. "I want her Haymitch, God knows I do. I want her like I want my next breath no matter what she's done. It just really hurts that she lied to me and that she refused me for so long when she has already been with someone else. Does she feel so little for me that she won't share her body with her own husband but was willing to give it to another man?"
Haymitch gave out a low whistle. "It's worse than I was think'in" he said. "Boy, ain't ya got a brain in yer head?" Peeta gave him a blank look, more confused than ever.
"Did she ever done say she's a virgin? Huh? Did she ever say it never?"
Peeta thought back on this. No, he had assumed she was but she had never actually told him that. She was a young woman who had never been married. He had no reason to think she had marital relations before. He shook his head.
"Listen here boy" Haymitch said, his voice softening. "An pay attention real good cause it's likely ta be the last time I am gett'in ta say it. I was like you once. Loved a little gal so much I couldn't stand it. I met her at a whore house though an she had herself a history. She was want'in to change, lead a better life but my stubborn ass could never git past it. We loved each other but I couldn't saddle myself to a woman who'd been past round so one day I rode out an left her behind."
He got a distant look in his eye and shook with another round of coughing before he continued. "Spent my whole damn life lov'in a woman I left ta the wolves an regret'in every minute of it."
Peeta was shocked. He had no idea that Haymitch once had a sweetheart. No wonder he drank so much. "Why didn't you go back for her?" he asked. "Apologize, tell her how you felt."
"I did" Haymitch admitted. "But by the time I pulled that burr out a my rear years had passed an she had moved on. She went an found another John who was a fool fer her and married him. They had themselves a farm an kids and all. That's one of the folks I went back east to say my goodbyes ta. Her an some kin folk."
Haymitch stared into the fire for a long minute. "I'm dy'in" he admitted. "I've known fer a while. Won't be but a day er so now."
Peeta couldn't move. He knew Haymitch was ailing, but he had been on the down turn since he had met him. It couldn't be so close to the end. He couldn't imagine this place without the old man in it. Could not accept that he wouldn't be stopping in on his way to town ever again. Tears began to gather in his eyes.
"Now see here" Haymitch scolded. "I ain't go'in to have no cry'in. It's my time boy an now that yer girl's here with ya. I'm think'in it be the right time."
He started coughing again and Peeta reached out and steadied him. "Yer gal's here" Haymitch said and Peeta could hear the urgency in his voice, the desperation to reach him.
"She's here and she's need'in ya. She ain't said noth'in bout it but it's plain ta see that the girl's been hurt some'thin fierce. She ain't no virgin but I don't reck'in that was her choice."
His words illuminated an awful truth that started eating Peeta alive. "You mean you think that someone forced Katniss?" he asked.
Haymitch nodded. "Ain't ya seen how uneasy she's with men folk? How she ain't no seeker of touch'in folks nor be'in handled?"
Peeta needed to get some air. He rushed for the door and pushed it open feeling as though he might suffocate. He took several cleansing breaths but still had to hunch over and dry heave. It was true. He knew it was true and the pain was swift and overwhelming. Some monster had rapped his beautiful Katniss. He could punch himself for all the foolish and insensitive things he had done and said. He would never have pushed her if he had known. Doing something like that to a woman was just something that had never occurred to him.
He needed to go to her. Haymitch was right. No matter what happened in the past she was his wife and he was in love with her. They needed each other. Despite anything that they had or hadn't done physically, they had become a unit since their marriage, a family. It pained him that someone had treated such a precious treasure with complete disregard but he wanted to show her that it could be different. If he had to throw himself at her feet and beg for forgiveness he would. If they could heal things he would make it up to her. With the greatest care he would give her the pleasure she deserved and had perhaps never known.
When he had regained some semblance of control he returned to Haymitch's side. "There's someth'in else ya need ta know" the old man managed weakly. "I didn't spend that money ya done gave me ta find er. I kept it just in case she wasn't keen on this place or yer sorry hide. When she came ta see me she was look'in fer ya. I gave it ta her. So she could take off an make it if y'all can't work it out. Didn't…didn't want ta trap er here."
Peeta nodded. It had been the right thing to do even though his heart flooded with fear. He had forgotten about the money. He was just so glad that Haymitch had brought someone that he hadn't thought through how much of it that he might have needed to bring her. "What did she say?" Peeta asked. "When you gave her the money?"
"Not much" Haymitch coughed. Peeta could tell that speech was becoming difficult for him. "She done made me a promise though. Said she'd talk it out with ya before she took off."
Peeta relaxed. He was still deeply concerned about her decision. He had been completely insensitive to leave her after they had been together for the first time and his continued absence was juvenile and self-centered. But Katniss was a woman of her word and if she had pledged to Haymitch that she would speak with him she would. He would have at least one chance to change her mind.
Although he hated himself for it he wished that Haymitch hadn't given her the money. It would make it much easier for her to pack up and ride away. He was going to have to face his greatest fear. That given the chance to live her life without him she would be happier on her own. It was a terrifying prospect, but if she stayed he would know that her heart was with him in their bed and not just her body.
Peeta sat by his friend late into the evening and finally worked up the courage to ask about how he should approach being intimate with Katniss if she ever allowed him to again. Most of Haymitch's typical gumption was fading and although he gave him hell a couple of times he mostly advised him in the way a father might a son. As the hours passed the old man spoke less and less. By the time the night was deep he had become unresponsive. Peeta recalled their long conversations and games of cards. He remembered the look on Haymitch's face when he would tease Katniss about her budding affections for her new husband. He was a good friend.
As the early rays of light peeked in the windows Haymitch's heart beat it's last. He had called for someone named Effie throughout the night and Peeta knew that his last thoughts had been of her. He felt oddly calm as he made his way to the shed and found a shovel. It took time, digging a grave and Peeta was glad that the ground wasn't completely frozen. He used the hours that it took to commit himself to following a different path. He had done his share of running in his life but he needed to face this thing with Katniss. He needed to do everything in his power to care for her and give her a good life.