Katniss was worried sick. Peeta had been avoiding her for sure, but he had been doing his chores and she had seen him coming and going. Now a whole day had passed and there was no sign of him or his horse. He could be lying somewhere on the prairie hurt or wounded by attack. She had debated riding out to look for him several times but she knew it was a fool's errand. It was dark and she would never succeed in such a mission. Instead, she added a few logs to the fire and slipped one of his shirts on. If she could smell him she knew he would come home to her. She was deeply hurt and frustrated by his behavior but the thought of never seeing him again left her bereft.
She looked at the sack of money sitting on the table. She still hadn't decided what she should do. She loved Peeta and she wanted to stay and work things out but she wasn't sure that he felt the same or if he could be trusted with her heart. If there was no chance that he would feel soft and affectionate toward her again then she should go. She couldn't grow old tolerating his cold disregard and longing for his devotion. Being lonely with a man who had once made her feel so special would be too cruel a fate.
She checked the barn again. Still no sign of him. Just as she removed her wrap and turned to look out the window the door swung open. There he stood, her Peeta and he was alright. Her eyes narrowed as they took him in. No, he was not alright. His hair was dirty and he hadn't shaved in days but more than that his face looked exhausted and his eyes much older than they actually were. He was more haggard than the young man she had met on the day she had first arrived.
"Haymitch" he said and then covered his eyes with his hand. "Haymitch is dead…he passed this morning…I'm…I'm sorry Katniss."
She was in his arms in a flash and he opened his coat to hold her closer. He could hear her gentle sobs and she was shaking slightly. Sharing the news with another person made it real somehow and her grief begot his own. He could feel the tears slipping down his cheeks as he kissed her hair.
The cabin was warm and cozy and as his adrenaline began to ebb he could barely stay on his feet. Katniss stepped back and reached out to steady him. That is where he had been. Staying with and probably burying their friend. His gaze was clouded with exhaustion. They had a lot to talk about but it would have to wait until he was in a better state.
He followed her direction as she sat him down and removed his boots and outer clothes. His hands trembled but she wasn't sure if it was from cold or if the events of the day were just taking their toll. When she had him down to is long johns she washed his face and tried to help him to bed.
"No" he resisted. "I'm filthy and I stink."
"I don't care" she said dismissively. She was worried about him, not his aroma. When he was tucked in she stripped to her under clothes and curled up beside him. She could feel resentment and distrust welling up within but at the moment they needed each other and she wasn't going to deny herself the comfort of sleeping with her husband. His snoring was soothing, a reminder of his steady presence and it didn't take her long to join him.
He wasn't sure how to act the next morning so he went about his chores as usual. Katniss made breakfast and likewise behaved as if nothing were amiss. Outside the window snow was falling and they worked together to tie a lead rope from the house to the barn. The temperature was dropping rapidly so they spread extra bedding for the animals and moved more wood to the porch.
By the time the work was finished they were both soaked to the bone. Peeta hauled the wash tub and Katniss prepared the water. When it was full he insisted that she go first.
"I'll just wait in the barn" he said, turning to go.
"Peeta wait" she called. He came to a stop.
"You aren't going out in that awful weather. Your clothes are wet. You'll get sick. I know things are…strained between us right now but you're still my husband. Just turn your back and put your clothes on the drying line. I'll be quick about it."
He thought about refusing but she was right. It was silly for him to leave and they needed to clear the air between them. He tried his best to concentrate on hanging his clothes to dry but he grew hard as he heard the sound of her washing in the tub. Her body was naked, gorgeous, and just a few feet away. Haymitch had given him a few ideas of what he should do to ease her into accepting him and fantasies of trying each of these things flooded his mind.
Katniss washed quickly and then stepped out and wrapped herself in a blanket. As good as the water felt she knew Peeta had to be freezing and she wanted him to be able to use it before it grew tepid.
"You can turn around now" she said softly. "I'm decent."
He turned and had to disagree. Her feet were bare and he could see the tops of her breasts. Her hair was wet and a few trickles of water still clung to her face. There was no way he could hide his obvious arousal in his thin undershorts now that he had stripped off his long johns.
Peeta stood and gaped at her for so long that she started to squirm. He might be displeased about her lack of virginity but judging by the front of his shorts it wasn't enough to quell his attraction to her.
"It's your turn Peeta" she reminded him with a huff. One minute he was stomping off in disgust and the next he wasn't able to look his fill. She would never understand men.
Her words brought him back to his senses and when she turned to dress he climbed into the tub. The warm water brought life back to his fingers and toes. It wasn't needed for other areas. The sight of her sitting on their bed brushing her hair did plenty to keep the rest of him hot. He had to remind himself that she was here and that he couldn't touch himself to relieve it.
When they were both dressed again Peeta added more wood to the fire. They brought their chairs close to it so that their hair would dry. They tried to start conversation but it was awkward and kept dying off after just a few words. This would be the first deep freeze and Katniss had to keep her mouth clamped shut so that her teeth wouldn't chatter. Peeta noticed and let out a long sigh.
He hopped up and moved his chair out of the way. He retrieved his old bedroll and laid it out in front of the fire. She looked at him quizzically until he climbed in and opened his arms. She didn't hesitate. She was frightened and she didn't trust him. But she was cold and she cared for him deeply. Their shared body heat halted her trembling.
They spent a long time just cuddled together before she finally spoke. He couldn't see her face and was surprised to hear in her voice that she had been crying. "I'm sorry" she squeaked. "I'm sorry Peeta. I…I can't help it. I would change it if I could but this is what I am. I know you deserve more. I wish I was more."
He held her away just far enough that she could see him. He had expected her to be angry, to yell and scream or hit him. It was what he deserved. That would have been a thousand times easier to accept than the heartbreak and self-loathing he heard in her voice. The acceptance that she was somehow less than a complete and pleasing wife and woman. She thought this, believed it and he had sinned against her horribly by reinforcing it. She tried to bury her face in his chest but he lifted her chin.
"Oh Kat" he said. "You are far more than I will ever deserve. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who needs to apologize. I acted like a cowardly child avoiding you all these days after I left you crying. I wouldn't blame you if you left, but I am hoping and praying that you don't. I love you. I was just hurt and scared and I thought…well I thought that you had been with someone else but that you didn't want to be with me and that was difficult to accept. I also thought that you lied to me about it."
She tried to speak but he brought a finger to her lips to shush her.
"Looking back, I know that you didn't deliberately mislead me. You thought that I knew didn't you? Before we got married?"
She nodded.
"I should have but I'm such an idiot and I've never really been around girls before. I screwed up. I want to make it up to you though. Please give me that chance. I'll be patient. I'll take it at any pace you want to if you will just let me be around you every day."
Katniss saw the fear in his eyes. His anticipation of her rejection. She recalled every tender moment he had given her since their wedding day and tried to see things from his perspective. He had greatly anticipated his first time and he thought that it was hers too. She had made him wait long after their wedding night for intimacy and then he found that she had already crossed that boundary with another. He had no idea about the things that had happened to her in the past. She hadn't told him. He had just assumed that she had wanted another man badly enough to risk a baby out of wedlock to have him but that she hadn't felt the same depth of feeling for him. She returned her head to his chest and hugged him.
"I'm not leaving" she told him. "Not if you want me to stay. I said vows with you Peeta and I am a woman of my word. I wouldn't disgrace us so."
"Kat" he murmured in her ear as he rubbed her back. "Thank you. You won't regret it, I promise. Haymitch told me about a woman that he had loved and lost once. I kept imagining what my life would be like if I let you go and the pain and devastation that I saw made what I felt the other night when I thought you betrayed me seem like nothing. I need you and I want you for always."
She tried to give the money back but he refused.
"Take it Peeta" she insisted. "You gave this to Haymitch to fetch me and he didn't need it so it should be returned to you."
"No" he insisted. "I owed it to him and he chose to give it to you. Keep it. Do whatever you want with it. If I don't keep my promises you can ride out of here with a clear conscience and start over. From now on I want you to be my wife because you want to, not because you have no other choice."
She took his tear streaked face in her hands and brought his lips to hers. Their kisses were chaste at first, comforting. Their fight had left them both shaken and they were reeling from the loss of Haymitch too. But they were man and wife and each burned with fire for the other. Soon her tongue begged entry into his mouth and his fingers moved to unbutton her dress. He opened it enough to expose her chest and the column of her neck. His lips found her pulse point and he sucked and licked until she was gasping his name.
He was aching with desire for her. His bride, his perfect Katniss. But he knew it was too fast. He had hurt her badly just a short time ago. When they came up for air he brought the side of her face to his chest again. She could feel his thundering heart and his breathing was coming at a rate that matched her own.
"It's too soon" he told her. "I love you Katniss and I want you to be ready the next time we're together."
She closed her eyes and held them shut. They stayed locked in each other's arms until the excitement of their bodies had calmed. His fingers combed through her hair and massaged her scalp in the most magical way. She hadn't spoken the truth about the events that haunted her in so long that she thought that it would be locked inside of her forever. But now her husband was here. He was holding her tight and he wanted her even though he thought that she had accepted another man. Her past no longer had to hold her captive. She could feel the chains breaking as he whispered his affections in her ear.
"I was exhausted" she said softly. His motions slowed. She snuggled as close as she could, not able to make eye contact as she continued. Tears started to swell behind her eye lids. "It's…I never talk about it."
Peeta kissed her hair and forehead. "It's alright" he reassured. "You don't have to tell me. No matter what happened it's in the past. Everything you have done since I met you proves that you are an amazing woman. It doesn't matter that you were with another man before me."
"Men" she whispered and it ripped his heart a little.
He took a deep breath to maintain control. He swallowed a large dose of pain along with his pride.
"That was in the past" he said with confidence. "I'm in love with you Katniss. You are my wife and I'm proud of you. I don't want anyone else."
"I was exhausted" she repeated. "We had worked in the fields day and night just trying to get by. Then the Yankees came and took everything. They burned the house. They killed my sister. I was wondering around in a daze, sifting through the ashes, trying to find something that had belonged to her that was still whole."
"I didn't even see him coming. One moment I was standing in the rubble and the next he was on top of me. I screamed but there were only a few slaves left and I no longer had anything to support them with. I struggled, tried to get away but he hit me in the head again and again. His breath reeked of liquor. He kissed me, at least the parts of me that he could get to."
She stopped and shuddered as the details came rushing back to her. "He bit some bruises on my shoulder and grasped my breasts so tight. I was crying and begging him to stop but he just said that I was a spirited little thing. I think…I think my pain and terror just excited him more. He…he put his thing inside of me and it felt like I had been ripped in half. My ears were ringing and I thought I might pass out but unfortunately I didn't. I felt every vile movement until he was done."
She sniffed and Peeta wiped her nose with his shirt. "I received some sympathy at first but everyone knew what had happened. I was a fallen woman."
"Kat" Peeta said holding her face so that she was forced to look at him. "Kat, it wasn't your fault. You were just a girl and that damn Yankee raped you. That doesn't make you bad or dirty. It just makes him a Monster."
Tears fell and covered his hands.
"After that, men thought that I wanted it. That I would do anything for a few coins just because I was poor. I refused them every time but that just made them angry and they spread nasty rumors about me. Women didn't want me around because I was young and had a reputation. Everyone treated me like a whore and I had never even kissed a boy before."
Peeta pictured what her life must have been like. It would have been devastating for anyone, but particularly hard for a proud woman like Katniss.
"I kept to myself and kept working hard" she continued. "An older couple agreed to let me share a cabin with them and I learned a lot about farming. There was this one man though who wouldn't leave me alone. He was older, married with children that were nearly grown. He tried to sweet talk me when he could get me alone and I was careful to steer clear of him. I was walking back from washing up one night when he grabbed me and dragged me into the barn."
Her eyes lowered and Peeta read regret and guilt in them.
"I should have fought him harder" she criticized. "Like I did the first time, but I knew this man and I just froze. I…I didn't want it to hurt as bad as the first time. I guess it didn't, at least not my body but afterward it was really hard for me to feel anything for a long time. I told the landlord what happened but stupid me, I didn't realize the man was his cousin. He told everyone that I was a young hussy causing trouble by corrupting the married men on the plantation. That's why he beat me. I would have runaway that night but I couldn't feed myself until harvest when I could collect my share. It was an unbearable few months and he whipped me again when I was accused of stealing."
"When I could leave I did but I couldn't afford to go far and people still knew who I was. I think I would have died if I hadn't met Cecelia. She took me in, treated me like her daughter. Even when food was lean she always made sure that I got my share. She was older than me and all of the freedmen respected her. They treated me well. Much better than any of my own people did. They understood. Things like that happened to their women all the time before and after emancipation. I miss them."
She looked up and saw that Peeta was listening to her intently. He looked angry about the things that had happened to her but he did not appear to be disgusted and he was still holding her and stroking her back. He kissed her head and face repeatedly.
"You still blame yourself" he observed.
She shook her head.
"Yes" he repeated. "Yes, you do. You think that you don't deserve this house and a husband who loves you because of what those men did and how people reacted to it but you're wrong. If justice was done your abusers would be dead but you deserve everything this life has to offer. You aren't sullied Kat. Despite everything you are still so pure."
She snorted in disbelief. "Peeta, I am not. Haven't you heard a word that I've said? I am dirty. They took something that I'll never get back. Something that should have been yours. I'll never be a virgin again."
He used his thumb to caress her face. Her eyes fluttered shut at the gentle touch.
"I know that you feel that way but I wish you could see yourself the way that I do. All of these wretched things have happened to you and you still have all of this spunk. You're stubborn and feisty and you put 100% into everything that you do. Men have done nothing but harm you and you still gave me a chance. You trusted Haymitch and you loved and cared for us both. You're a good daughter and sister and you've honored the memory of your family."
"I can never take back or change the things that they did to your body no matter how much I want to. But your still innocent baby. You'd never known the love of a man until the other night with me and I'm so sorry that I ruined our first time. We can try it again though when we are both ready. We can experiment and see what feels good. We can grow and learn together. Do you know what first times I really want?"
She shook her head.
"I want to watch your face the first time you climax. I want to hear you call my name when you can't get enough of what I'm doing to you and have to ask for more. I want to see your face when you wake up the next morning smiling."
He could tell by is expression that she didn't really know what he was talking about. Yes, his bride was still so wonderfully pure.
"I…I am curious" she admitted. "Since I came here my body has been feeling so many new things. I'm still really nervous though. I'm afraid that I won't do the right things and it won't be as good as you are hoping it will. I'm also scared that I won't like it and then you'll be disappointed and think that it's because I don't love you. I know you were worried about who I had been with before. I hated both of them and that they touched me. I love you Peeta and I want to be with you. I've liked the things we have done together so far. It's…it's just not going to be easy and it's not going to be perfect."
He kissed her lips and smoothed back her hair. "Yes it is Kat" he assured her. "If you and I come together to me it will be perfect. The things that they did don't count because they are nothing like what we have together. I love you and nothing anyone else ever did or will do could ever change that."
Katniss felt an enormous weight leave her chest. It had been settled there for so long she had forgotten how light she could be. Peeta didn't understand, he couldn't, but he cared. He loved her and he wanted to be with her. He wanted to call her his wife. All this time she feared him learning the truth about what she really was. But after all they had shared and the things he had said she was starting to believe that maybe some of the things she had believed had always been a lie.