Peeta had hoped that his increased physical intimacy with Katniss would ease some of her fears and nightmares about the past. He was wrong. If anything they had increased in both frequency and intensity. She tossed and turned deep into the night and sometimes woke them both in screaming terror. Peeta was eager to hold her but concerned that her distress seemed to be worsening.
He was staring at the ceiling pondering the issue when he heard Katniss whimper beside him. He pulled her close and she settled against his chest. Her breathing evened out and after a time he drifted off as well. He dreamt of her, bare and smiling at him in the sunlight. Her hair tumbled around her shoulders as she laughed and pulled him atop her naked body. He settled between her thighs and she whispered his name. She was wet and unbelievably tight as he thrusted into her again and again.
Peeta jolted awake at the sound of her anguished sob. "Stop!" she screamed. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the last vestiges of the hazy fog of unconsciousness. Her face was contorted in fear, her cheeks strained with tears. He said her name but she didn't respond. She was still asleep.
He hated these moments. When she was frightened and there was nothing he could do to protect her. He took a deep breath before reaching for her arms to wake her. That was when she said it. That was when she ripped a whole right through his heart.
"Peeta" she called, pushing him away. "Peeta, stop. I don't…I don't…leave me alone."
He pulled back as if she had slapped him, but he didn't remove his grip and the jarring woke her.
A million thoughts raced through his mind as she blinked and wiped her eyes in the darkness. She wasn't calling for him a moment ago. She was yelling at him. She wasn't dreaming of the men who had hurt her. She was having a nightmare that he was doing it. He felt her draw closer. He heard her sniffling as she laid her head on his shoulder and threw her leg about his waist. He thought of the poverty and abuse that had brought her here. Of the distant prairie that stretched out in every direction and the dangers that awaited a single woman there. He felt the erection he couldn't control pressing against her tender flesh even as she cried. Perhaps her subconscious musings were not really that far off the mark.
"It was just a bad dream" she whispered and as her lips lay a few feather light kisses on his neck. He bristled at the pleasure and conflict they stirred. He grew even harder despite his attempts to will his reaction to her away. "I'm sorry" he said into her hair.
"It's ok" she answered when her trembling had ceased. "He just needs me." Her hand found its way beneath the covers and his undershorts and he grunted and gasped as she worked him to completion. His body appreciated her attentions very much but his conscience was swamped with guilt. How could he continue to take pleasure from a woman whom he was so clearly failing? She was afraid of sexual relations and his insistence on having them was damaging her further. He loved her. He would do anything to make her happy. He just had no idea how to fix the situation.
Katniss wasn't happy when the first thaw came and he insisted on going to town alone. He promised to take her to church on Sunday but that was two days away. They hadn't had any company in a couple of months because of the snow and she wanted to visit with someone. Anyone who wasn't Peeta would do. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy his company but she needed other people in her life too. People like Delly who might be able to give her some advice where her husband was concerned.
They were moving forward and working hard to make their marriage a success. But she could tell that her nightmares and anxieties were wearing on him. She would also catch him with a sour expression at times when she spoke of her family. Perhaps it were nothing, but that coupled with the fact that he hadn't made a move to formally make love to her again had her nervous. Maybe he was having second thoughts. Then he told her today that he wanted to make his visit to town without her. Her feelings were hurt. How could they not be? He was sick of being with her.
She shook her head at her own childish musings. The man had a right to do things without her. He might want to speak with Thom or the preacher. He may want to stop in and see Delly. Her breath caught in her lungs. Sure, she could understand all that but that could all be done with her tagging along. There was only one type of visiting that she would interfere with. She had heard whispering complaints about it in the church yard and even an angry denunciation by one newly arrived mail order bride. There was a brothel across the street from the store in town.
She leaned against the barn and closed her eyes. No! Not her Peeta. She didn't want to imagine him in that awful place but that is precisely what image came to mind. She saw him smiling at a woman with long blonde tresses and pale skin. Katniss's insecurities were hard at work as she pictured her husband's sculpted chest pressed against the bosom of a female much more well-endowed than she. Her heart thudded at an increased rate as she accepted the possibility that he might be undressing at that very moment and letting some woman of ill repute appreciate his handsome form.
When she reached the point of acknowledging that he could be sheathing himself within another she let out a frustrated cry and ran back inside the cabin to find something to do. She took the rugs out and beat them hard as she could. It was still far too cold for such a chore but she needed to work out her anger somehow. When she finally expended the excess energy she was winded but a bit less hysterical.
She glanced around the room for more cleaning but refused to look at their bed. What would she do tonight if he came home with no reasonable explanation for his behavior? She reached into the wooden chest and pulled out her money bag. She still had the option to move on if she needed to. She was thinking through just such a scenario and assessing the need for a few repairs to her saddle when she remembered that Smokey was gone.
Her husband's best friend and companion during his first few years here had been traded away. Given up for the remedy needed to make her well again. She let herself sink to the floor. Several tears tracked down her face. She was letting the past get to her again. Peeta wasn't fornicating with some prostitute. He cared for her deeply. He told her that he loved her. He had been patient with her fears and foibles. His voice was steady when he calmed her and it always spoke of his devotion and faithfulness. Peeta was in town because he wanted to be. He wasn't obligated to take her everywhere he went.
Peeta did wish that she was present as Delly peppered him with questions about how things were going and if Katniss was settling in all right. He knew she was well intentioned but it didn't seem proper to discuss his marriage with another woman. Or was she the right person to ask for advice? She would understand Katniss better being a woman and all. He sighed. He just didn't know the protocol for situations like this. He had come to fetch the gift he had ordered for Katniss and assumed now that the snows had melted that it would be in. His assumption had been confirmed but Peeta couldn't load it himself so he was waiting for Thom to help him. Delly had assured that he stopped by nearly every afternoon.
"I know it's none of my business" Delly continued. "But when we spoke at the barn raising Katniss had me worried. Have you used some of this snowed in time to start figuring out the marriage so to speak?"
Peeta blinked. Was she asking what she thought she was? "Well, we are still getting to know each other. It is still a pretty new thing and all."
He wasn't expecting the hearty laughter that followed. "You are two awkward little peas in a pod" she chuckled. "That's exactly what she said and I will tell you what I told her. I'm here if you need some guidance or advice when you decide to take the plunge and so is Thom." The wink she punctuated her offer with confirmed that she was indeed speaking of intimate relations.
He stood for a moment grappling and infused with indecision. "Look Dells. I appreciate the offer but I have to tell you that I don't know if Katniss would be comfortable with me speaking with you about it. I mean, about intimacy that is. I thought that was something that you weren't supposed to discuss with other people."
Delly rolled her eyes. "Not everything in life comes with a specific set of rules to follow" she commented. "I'm not asking you to kiss and tell Peeta. I'll ask Katniss to share those kind of nitty gritty details later…not that she actually will. She will just look away and blush and then proceed to speak in euphemisms or be extremely vague instead of just coming out with it and asking what she really wants to know. At least that is how it went the last time I interrogated her."
His eyes shot up to meet her. "You've spoken to Katniss about our…you know…relations?"
Delly actually laughed out loud at his verbal fumbling. "Yes, yes. Not that there was much to talk about."
He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, trying to decide on his next move. When it was not forthcoming Delly muttered something under her breath and came out from behind the counter to stand more closely to him. She kept her voice low despite the fact that they were alone.
"Look Peeta" she began, growing serious. "I may be overstepping my bounds. But I think I am your closest friend in this little town and I want to see you happy. Katniss is a great gal and I know you too can make a go of it but when she and I spoke I got the sense that things were not all well with her. She had reservations about consummating her marriage with you and I think it is because some bad things have happened to her in the past. I can't image you have done anything to make her so skittish."
Peeta took a deep breath and fell into one of the chairs at the checker board. He took off his hat and concentrated on it as he began to speak. "This has to stay between you and me Dells." She nodded in response and took the seat opposite of him. "Katniss has been through a lot and I haven't always done the right thing to help her deal with it either. Some men have taken advantage of her in the past, well more than that, they forced her and now she is struggling with that part of our marriage."
"Poor Katniss" Delly said, genuinely sympathetic. "I thought that was the case but I didn't want to outright confront her about it. It happens to woman too often, a lot more than you know. So you are avoiding intimacy now because she doesn't want to be involved that way?"
He shook his head. "No, not completely. We are together but her nightmares have gotten worse. I want to help her. I want it so badly. I love her and I can't stand to see her crying. I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should step back and try to have a loving marriage with her without the physical part or if I should push for more and take it all the way in the hopes that she will, I don't know, get used to it or something." He bowed his head in shame. "I keep thinking if I would have been a better husband from the start she wouldn't be suffering so much. I try to help but it doesn't work and I feel like a failure."
When he looked up he saw that Delly was deep in thought. "You're full of it Mellark" she said evenly.
"What?" he asked confused. That was the last reaction he expected.
"You're lying to yourself and to her" Delly asserted. "You aren't going to go without the physical part or whatever bull is going on in your head. You love Katniss and she loves you. I have seen you both. You are young and healthy and have the rest of your lives ahead of you. You're going to have sex Peeta and a lot of it. So stop this useless exercise in fake self-martyrdom."
Her words stung but when he stopped to consider them he knew they were true.
"Stop throwing a pity party for yourself" she said. "I wasn't accusing you. I was trying to verbally shake some sense into you. I don't know Katniss that well yet. But I know her enough. She is strong. She is a survivor. She doesn't expect you to fix what is going on with her and you can't. This is a process and she has got to go through it. Those things happened Peeta. They happened and the consequences will never completely go away. But they can get better. They can and they will if she keeps working on it. You can support her and she is going to need that but you can't be the savior this time. This isn't a problem that can be remedied by you being a Knight in shining armor."
He sat for a few long minutes. It was still too soon to process everything she was saying. He would need to take some time to chew on it. One thing he could always count on Delly for was advice giving and brutal honesty.
"Have you talked to her about it?" she asked. He nodded and she narrowed her eyes. "Really talked about it? Have you asked her what she wants? Talked to her about what she is feeling and thinking and what she wants the next steps to be? What her thoughts and feelings are about your role in this whole thing?"
He shook his head, studying his hat again.
"Well" she said with a smile as Thom walked in the door. "I think you know what you need to do when you get home."
Katniss did her best to calm her frazzled nerves and spent much of the rest of the afternoon preparing dinner. She was mostly successful in focusing her mind on the positive. She needed to learn to trust Peeta, despite their complicated history. But she had to admit that she felt a huge rush of relief when she heard the sound of the wagon approaching as the sun began to set.
She hurried out to question him and was surprised to see another rider following along. Even at a distance she could see that it was a man. As they drew closer she became still more puzzled. What was Thom doing here? As they approached he rode a little further ahead and tipped his hat to her.
"Good evening Mrs. Mellark" he said with a smile.
She couldn't help but blush. She wasn't used to being greeted so formally and it was flattering. She gave him a simple nod and turned, distracted by Peeta who had pulled up the wagon not to the barn but in front of the cabin. He most of have been shopping for provisions and simply needed some time to himself.
But as she peered over the side it wasn't sugar, flour, or corn meal she saw. It was a small bench and piano. Her hand flew to her mouth and covered it. He had brought her a gift. A wonderful gift. She could sit for hours and let her fingers roam the keys. They would have music again. He wanted her to play, to sing, to share her talent and memories with him and make new ones.
She was in his arms the moment he stepped to the ground. "Thank you" she repeated into the front of his coat as he held her. It wasn't until Thom's horse whinnied that she remembered his presence and stepped back.
He laughed and gave them both a grin as he helped Peeta unload. They asked him repeatedly to stay but he insisted that he needed to push off. It wasn't wise to travel at night but Thom was a risk taker and a grown man and neither could convince him to spend the night.
"Naw" he told Peeta, going out to untie his horse. "I have some plans back in town later tonight and I think you ought to let that little lady in there thank you for the gift. I know you have been thinking about it all the way back. You nearly drove off the road a couple of times."
Peeta was beet red as Thom slapped him on the shoulder and road away. He had been deep in thought about Katniss. His mind had been focused on the conversation that Delly had recommended more than the lewd notions that Thom referred to but he couldn't say those hadn't crossed his mind either.
He found his dinner sitting on the table and his beautiful wife at the piano bench. He sat and watched in awe as she played a few simple tunes from memory. Her brow knit in concentration as she found the keys she needed. It was a bit out of tune she informed him but he could tell by her look of contentment that she really didn't mind. He made a mental note to inquire in town in regards to who may be able to come out and make adjustments to it.
Once she became comfortable with the instrument again she began to sing. He let her angelic voice drift over him and lift him to a better place. Her look of joy made him hopeful, gave him courage for the conversation to come. When it became clear that she wasn't going to pause to join him he walked over and hand fed her a few bites as she played. When she pretended as though she might bite his finger he smeared a bit on her cheek and her laughter made it clear that she would not break in order to wipe it off. He loved seeing her this way. She appeared much younger when she was having fun.
When he returned from evening chores the house was silent. He found her already in bed waiting for him in the white nightgown he had given her. She sat against the headboard and watched as he washed and undressed. Her steady gaze made him harden and he had to steel his resolve to speak with her rather than kiss her breathless.
"Thank you Peeta" she said softly as he slipped into bed beside her.
"Sure" he said with a lopsided grin. Her face grew serious.
"No, thank you. It means a great deal to me. More than you will ever know. To have a piece of my old life back. Something from a time before everything went so wrong. I really appreciate it and I'm going to sing to you every day now."
"Well than it is more than worth it" he told her. "It takes up quite a bit of room though. I will need to add on when the babies come." His voice dropped off and their eyes met. He had accidently brought up the subject both of them had been dancing around for weeks.
"I was so relieved when I saw it" she admitted.
"Relieved?" he questioned. "Were you worried when I was gone so long?"
"Peeta" she said as if he were an unruly child. "You specifically told me that you wanted to go to town alone. I started to think thoughts that I shouldn't have. I kept picturing you with someone else. I know that there is a brothel in town."
"You thought I was sleeping with a prostitute?" he asked dumfounded.
She nodded and fought to hold back the tears. "I know I was wrong and that it is ridiculous but I kept hearing these voices. Things people have said to me over the years. That I'm a dirty tramp and no better than a hooker. It occurred to me that maybe since your wife is like that you might not find it wrong to be with some others too. Women that wouldn't bat an eye at doing anything you wanted with no consequences."
"No consequences" he repeated like it was the craziest thing he had ever heard. "Katniss, I would never visit a brothel. I didn't in all the time I was a bachelor here and I certainly would never as a married man. I love you. I would absolutely never betray you that way. I don't just want sex. I want you. Those women have no appeal to me. I'm a good Christian man. Doing things like that would have dire consequences to our marriage and to my soul."
She nodded and some of the doubts within began to shrink as she listened to his logic and the level of his commitment and resolve.
"I do have something I need to tell you though" he said. Her heart began to flutter. It didn't sound like a good thing.
"I spoke to Delly today. I had to go to her store to pick up the piano. She brought up the conversation you had with her at the barn raising. She said she was concerned about you. I talked to her about our relationship. Just to ask for her advice. I needed to. I don't know what I'm doing Katniss and she is the only person I could ask for help. I hope you aren't too angry with me."
She laid a hand on his shoulder. "I understand" she said. "It's ok as long as you don't make a habit of it and you never tell her anything you haven't shared with me and you always discuss it with me after."
He agreed, immensely relieved at her reaction.
"What did she tell you?" she asked. "About us. What advice did she give you?"
"She said that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. That I need to tell you what I am thinking and feeling and ask you the same. That I need to find out what you are going through and what role you want me to play in it."
"That sounds like pretty wise counsel" she answered, giving him a gentle kiss. "I'm not going to fall apart if you talk to me Peeta."
He took a few deep breaths. "I know that I kept the trip to town from you and now you know why. But you haven't been completely honest with me either." She raised her eyebrows. "The other night" he said. "When you were dreaming. I know it was about me. It was about me hurting you but you never said anything."
Her arms came around him and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Because I didn't want to hurt you" she whispered. "I know you hate my nightmares and that you are getting frustrated with some of my fears. I just didn't want to burden you with anything more. When I wake up I'm ok. I'm not actually frightened of you. But when I sleep the images and emotions all blend together. A lot of it doesn't even make sense."
"I'm not frustrated with you Katniss" Peeta insisted. "I'm disappointed in me. My insistence in fooling around is what is causing you to have all of these bad dreams. If I was being a better friend and partner you wouldn't be suffering so much."
Her expression told him that she believed him to be out of his mind. "No Peeta" she pleaded. "You couldn't be more wrong. Sure, all of the touching and our closeness is stirring up a lot of things from the past but I have always had those bad things inside of me. For the first year or so they were awful, I had to sleep outside sometimes just so the others could tolerate me. I learned how to turn off my feelings over time. To be numb and work and eat and sleep and repeat the pattern again. Our marriage has awoken all that was dormant inside of me. Everything that used to be Katniss is coming back to life. But it is a complicated thing. I feel all of these amazing and wonderful things again: love, trust, belonging, security. But I have to take the bad with the good. It is difficult to explain but I either have the emotional river flowing or I do not. I can't turn on the good and keep the bad at bay."
He considered her words and his mind filled with questions. She slipped her slender fingers into his.
"I don't want to go back to being dead inside" she stated with conviction. "Yes, I am having nightmares and sometimes flashbacks during the day too. But for the first time I feel like I am confronting them. Most days I win out and I actually feel pretty happy. Sometimes they get the better of me but when they do I have you here to hold me and that makes it easier. Now I have you to talk about it with as well."
"So you don't want me to stop our relations?" he asked.
"No" she replied with urgency. "That would really confuse me Peeta. I am already wrestling with the idea of liking it and whether or not that is ok. If you start going back and forth I'm not sure I can keep going. When you pull back from me that feels like rejection. I feel like you don't want me and it hurts inside of my chest so bad."
He pulled her closer. "The only reason I haven't pushed for more was concern for you love. I want more. I want everything with you. Delly said that I have to accept that you are going through something and that I cannot fix it and that it is not my fault."
Katniss smiled, grateful for their friend. "Delly is right" she agreed. "Peeta, you can't blame yourself when I have bad days. I am responsible for my own life. And you have your own needs and wants and I need to be a good spouse too. If you try to take everything on yourself it will tear us apart. You have to let me deal with this and just be there for me and when you have doubts and needs and setbacks you need to let me take care of you too."
He nodded and gave her a quick hug by way of agreement. She squeezed him back but when she moved the blankets off of her lap and turned her body to face him her eyes filled with more than friendly companionship. He had never seen them so sultry, her demeanor so open.
His gaze shot to her hands as she lifted them to untie her hair. It fell along her shoulder and down her back in waves and she closed her eyes as he reached his fingers forward to sift through it.
"So beautiful" he whispered and she took it as an invitation to share more of her body with him. She grasped the hem of her nightgown and brought it up and over her head. Flames continued to dance in the fireplace, illuminating the room in a soft glow. Silence hung between them as he watched her, took in the full wonder of her glorious nudity. It wasn't until she swallowed that he saw her confidence begin to falter. His hands stilled her nervous energy as they came to cup and caress her breasts.
"You're perfect Katniss" he told her. "Everything I ever dreamed up in my head never compared to this."
She felt the blush cover her cheeks and trickle down her spine to pool in her lower belly. She saw the power and strength in the meaty hands that held her continually emerging feminine curves. She wrapped her fingers about his wrists and pressed them more closely to her chest.
"I want to be with you, to belong together. It will stir everything inside of me but I want it to. I want you there, deep within where you belong. I've never wanted anyone to be close but you are already in my heart, I want you to be a part of me."
His pulse was racing at what her words implied, his heart nearly bursting with joy. Her hand found the front of his shorts and gripped him firmly. He groaned but moved her to rest on her back. He brought his forehead to rest against hers and gave her a smile.
"If you keep stroking him this will be over too soon" he admitted. "Seeing you this way already has me most of the way there."
His words of praise gave her the courage she needed to allow him to part her legs. His eyes stayed transfixed on her femininity until she started to squirm.
"Sorry" he muttered. He could have kicked himself for making her feel uncomfortable, but then he remembered what Delly said about communicating with his wife about intimate things.
"I just…" he continued. "You are really pretty and I like to look at that part of you. I never have before when I could actually see it and it really excites me."
His candid confession made her gush with warmth. She could feel the ache in her core throb in time with her pulse. The idea that he enjoyed ogling her privates made her feel oddly delicious and naughty. He saw the flicker of hesitation.
"You're my wife Katniss" he reminded her. "We are supposed to have sexual feelings for each other. It is fine to enjoy it. It's a good thing, a very natural reaction to loving someone."
When he saw her expression calm he brought his fingers between her legs. He rubbed her thighs with the intention of relaxing her but she was wound tight. He thought about how he often felt about even her most innocent touches. He noticed the pink tinge to her cheeks, the slight strain of her expression at his exploration of her flesh. She was horny. His Katniss needed an orgasm and she needed one pretty badly.
He wet his finger in his mouth and rubbed her clitoris. Gently at first, he had more planned for them and he didn't want to make her sore, then with increasing speed and pressure. He had learned this part of her anatomy increasing well but when he had explored her before it was always beneath the covers or in the dark of night. She was unbelievable stretched out and panting and sweaty before him. He was harder than he could ever recall as he tested her and found her slick and ready. He added first one finger and then two.
Katniss was losing her mind. The circles Peeta was drawing on her were shooting pleasure through her body at an alarming rate. Still, she needed more. So much more. When she felt his finger enter her she used her muscles to grip it tight. When he added the second she thought she might feel the old pain or at least some discomfort. Instead, she had an amazing sense of fullness. She looked down and saw him working her body with intense concentration. He was watching himself do it and his erection was straining hard. He liked this, but she knew he wanted more and so did she.
She tried to pull him on top of her but he pulled away. She was momentarily confused before she realized that he was trying to remove his shorts. When he had them off he laid down beside her.
"Come here Kat" he instructed, lifting her to sit astride him. Her eyes found his.
"When you're ready" he said. "Take it at your pace, just try it like this. See what feels comfortable."
She probably would have backed out if he didn't look so incredible. His chest was thick and lightly sprinkled with blonde hair that tapered down to a defined v-line and a narrow waist. His arms were corded with muscle and his smile was beyond handsome. His…penis (she had said the word at least in her mind) was sticking straight up, leaning toward her. The head was pink and engorged and she had an overwhelming desire to have it fill her.
She moved on instinct and brought it between her folds. She knew it would fit because he had been inside of her before but that had all happened so fast. She eased down so that just the head slipped inside of her and wriggled a bit to see how it would feel. She nearly squealed in delight. It was incredibly arousing and his answering grunts and moans spurred her on. She moved down a little further and then a little more allowing the sensation of completeness to grow. When she finally reached the base she let the rest of her weight carry him even deeper. She rocked back and forth and moved to stroke him up and down. It was NOTHING like what had happened to her before. This felt so good, so…right.
Peeta was doing his absolute best to let her enjoy it and not shoot his load. She was riding him completely naked and she was gasping and moaning and loving it. She encased him like a warm wet glove and he had to close his eyes to keep himself in check. If he continued to watch those gorgeous breasts bounce he was going to lose it. When she found a good rhythm he moved his fingers to her clit and gave her some stimulation to help her along.
Katniss could feel the tightening reaching a breaking point. She was so close. When Peeta started touching her again she let her head fall back and a powerful wave of bliss consumed her. When Peeta saw her hands reach for her own breasts he let out a grunt and filled her with everything he had. He could feel her walls fluttering around him and he watched the pleasure dance across her face. Heard it in the way she called his name.
When they were both sane enough again to realize that the room was chilling, Peeta heated a small pitcher of water so that she could wash. Neither could keep the smiles off of their faces. They stayed awake much later than usual making plans for the piano and guessing how long it would take Delly to grill them about their relationship again.
"I hope you don't have any nightmares tonight" Peeta said on a yawn well past midnight.
"Me too" Katniss agreed. "But even if I do I'll be alright. Your arms will be here to comfort me. Other parts of you too if need be."