The following days filled Peeta with dread. Katniss became quiet and withdrawn. She went about her chores on her own and barely spoke to him at meal time. She didn't even touch her piano. She did not appear to be angry with him, but that only served to confuse him more. It was as if she had retreated into her own mind. He was now just a passing visitor in her surroundings, neither loved nor despised, often barely acknowledged. He wished the day would never come when Gale would return, but he knew that it would.
Katniss spent hours carefully examining her time with Peeta and also their interactions with Gale. She glanced at her hand and saw her wedding band glinting in the sun. She had made promises to her husband and he to her. Neither of them had been 100% transparent in their dealings with one another since meeting that first day on the prairie and to some extent that made sense. They hadn't chosen each other, hadn't properly courted. She married him because she needed to. He married her because she was the person whom Haymitch had brought. She hadn't come out with her whole life story immediately and it seemed unfair for her to hold him to a higher standard.
Still…he hadn't been loyal to the cause. He hadn't served to defend his people. He had fled from everything she was raised to believe a man should stand up and fight for. Gale was right that her parents wouldn't approve, but did that even matter? They were dead and buried and she could only imagine her mother's mortification if she were to get a divorce. She brought a hand to her head. It ached and she was tired of thinking. She wanted to honor her family's memory but would shaming Peeta and leaving a man that she cared for really accomplish that?
She was filled with guilt as she laid beside him that night. He seemed so sad and heartbroken. She knew she was hurting him but what did he expect? He had lied to her. She had reason to distance herself. He hadn't trusted her either. Even after all the time they spent together over the winter and all the love they had made he hadn't even hinted at the things Gale had revealed. Embarrassment and self-doubt plagued her as she thought of all of the times she had revealed her body to him, of the things she had panted in the heat of the moment as he filled her. She turned over and curved her body in on itself, preparing for another sleepless night.
She was grouchy the next day. Grumpy, resentful and just looking for a fight. She served Peeta unsweetened oatmeal that was barely lukewarm. He ate it as if he didn't notice. She left him the hardest chores to do. He did them without complaining. She wanted to walk over and punch him in the face. There were many things that she absolutely adored about her husband, but his lack of skills when it came to confrontation was not one of them. Not that she had any grounds to criticize when it came to that she recognized.
She went to saddle the horse for plowing and they both grabbed it at the same time.
"I'll do it" she grumbled, pulling it away from him.
"He's my horse Katniss" Peeta said quietly. "I can saddle him."
"I can too" she insisted. "I can handle it Peeta. I've done it quite a number of times."
He sighed. "I didn't say you couldn't handle it. I just said that I would do it."
"Fine" she fumed. Repressed anger was building up and she found that it gave her much more strength than she ordinarily had. She took the saddle and practically threw it in his face. "Do it then" she screamed.
She stomped out of the barn and took several paces out toward the field. Her hurt and frustration were getting the better of her and tears born of every negative emotion she possessed began to stream down her face.
"Katniss" she heard him call from behind her. "Katniss what is this?" he asked gesturing towards her.
"Oh come on Peeta" she said in agitation. "You know exactly what this is. You lied to me. After everything I told you about myself and all the things we've done together you didn't tell me. All that fancy talk about building something new to share with me. You didn't come out here to build anything. You're hiding. Hiding from your friends and neighbors who all know that you're a coward."
He physically recoiled at her words, sparking a battle within her heart and mind. Her mind was glad to have repaid his hurt in kind. Her heart knew that she had done so much more damage than he had by keeping the truth from her. She knew that she should stop but her temper continued to get the better of her.
"I thought you were different but you're not" she accused. "You aren't good or noble, you're a liar and you hurt me just like the rest of them."
Peeta's jaw tensed. "That's not fair Katniss" he pushed back. "I wasn't honest with you and I'm sorry. I should have given you the truth at the start. But don't you dare put me on that level. I'm nothing like that Yankee bastard who raped you."
Her fists clenched and her heart beat with pain. She brought a sleeve to her face but it only served to smear her ever widening river of tears.
"No Peeta" she said. Her tone was deep and serious and reflected more control than she actually had. "Everyone has always assumed that and I've always let them but let me tell you something. It wasn't a Yankee who did that to me. It was one of my own people too miserable and cowardly to fight with the real men at the front."
His eyes filled with realization and they trained on her anguished face.
"Yes" she managed to get out. "He was a deserter just like you."
The agony of reliving that day coupled with the avalanche of emotions that accompanied finally rightfully identifying her abuser aloud was too much for her and she knew she had to get away. Peeta stood in shock as she rushed by him and in a flash she had her mare ready and was riding as fast as she could away from the farm. She heard him calling to her in the distance but she didn't look back. She needed time. She needed space where she could process this whole thing without him looking over her shoulder.
At first she headed to the cabin where Haymitch had lived, but it was still unoccupied and she found that the sight of it standing empty distressed her too much to go inside. How she wished he was still sitting at the old kitchen table. She needed him now, she needed someone else to talk to. Someone who really knew Peeta.
She didn't consciously make the decision to go to town but it was the only other place she knew how to get to. She anticipated the conversation with Delly being difficult but she didn't expect to find the other woman crying.
"What's wrong?" Katniss asked as she entered the store, closing the door behind her. Delly looked up and wiped her cheeks.
"It's nothing" she said dismissively, but as she walked over she turned the sign on the door to closed.
"Come" Delly urged, ushering Katniss into her home behind the shop. She sat her down and fixed some tea as Katniss related the whole story of Gale's visit and the things he had brought up about Peeta's past.
"That's awful" Delly said as she took the seat across the table. "Imagine his own mother hurting him that way and in front of everyone he knew. No wonder he came west. Who would stay with a family who tolerated people being treated that way?"
Katniss couldn't blame Peeta for leaving his home, but she still wouldn't accept his refusal to serve.
"I just don't understand why Peeta did that" she confessed. "He was needed in the army. If he would have gone, men like my father might not have been killed."
Delly reached out and stilled Katniss's trembling hands. She didn't even realize that she was clasping them together so tightly.
"Oh, Katniss" Delly sighed. "That is just grief talking. Grief that is all twisted up inside of you. Peeta was young when the war broke out. He might have just been scared to go. It must have been terrifying to see men being shot, bleeding out, dying. Maybe he didn't want to watch his childhood friends be blown to bits. Maybe he was frightened of dying himself. Maybe he didn't want to kill people. He may have had friends or even family fighting in the union army and felt conflicted about it."
Katniss gave it some thought. Peeta had been young just like her. He had been abused by his mother. Gale had said that he was never good at being a soldier. She pushed her father's ideas about the war aside. She could understand not wanting to kill other people. Peeta didn't like to hurt things. He didn't even like to hunt.
"I don't even need to ask if you two have talked about it" Delly sighed with a hint of annoyance. "I swear I am going to lock you both in that cabin and force you to have meaningful conversations for a week."
Katniss's expression said it all. Delly rolled her eyes. "Give him a chance to tell his side of the story" she urged. "Find out why he didn't go and try to keep an open mind. I know I'm a Yankee, but if I recall the war didn't go so well. Maybe if there would have been more men like Peeta all of the bloodshed may have been avoided."
It was a good thing Delly was her friend or she wouldn't have let her get away with that one.
"Look Katniss" Delly continued. "Peeta might have avoided the draft but he came out here on his own and worked on the railroad and that is really dangerous. He comes from money but instead of living off his allowance he built that farm from nothing. You weren't exactly perfect when you came here but he has tried really hard to care for you and he has loved you. He still does love you and wants a family you."
Her voice began to crack and Katniss could tell she was getting emotional.
"Thom…" she began. "Thom is heading on. He wants to go to California."
Katniss's head shot up. No wonder Delly was so upset. "You could go with him" Katniss suggested hopefully.
Delly shook her head. "He doesn't want me to. You see he is brave enough to fight a whole pack of wild dogs, roam the prairie at night, shoot any man who does him wrong. But he is afraid to really love someone and commit to them. He is too frightened to take the risk of having a family again. He lost his in the war too."
She turned back to Katniss and gave her a sad but resolved smile. "Don't you worry about me" she assured her. "I knew what I was getting myself into and I'll be fine. But you…you have a man who would do anything for you. Who gave you his whole heart. Just like you, he can't change the past but he is offering you his future. Don't take that for granted. Men like Peeta are scarce. Don't throw him away because you miss your father. You can love them both even if they would have disagreed on this. It doesn't have to be one or the other."
On her ride home, Katniss's thoughts slowly shifted from her husband and why he had dodged the draft to Gale and the things he had said during their last encounter. The more she thought about it, the more sure she was that his actions and words didn't add up. He had no genuine interest in her as a person. He barely knew her anymore. She had little doubt that he would go through with it and marry her if she agreed but she suspected that it was mostly a matter of convenience for him and a way to continue to punish Peeta.
He said that if she had sent word to him he would have come to her rescue but she had no way to get in touch with him. It was impossible to believe that he had never heard what had become of her. Their plantations were only a few miles apart. EVERYONE knew of her family's demise and her subsequent fall from decent society. If he had been so concerned about her welfare, he had ample time and opportunity to inquire after her. She thought of Peeta. If he knew she was in trouble, he would have committed any amount of time or resource to see her safe again.
She tried to take a step back and analyze the things that she knew about Gale Hawthorne the man. Not the Gale who had been her partner in crime as a young child, but the one whom she had seen at parties from a distance as a youth and the one who had taken so much delight in outing her husband the other night at the farm.
Gale was angry and resentful about the loss of the war and the subsequent decline of much of his family's holdings as well. He was due to inherit a sprawling cotton plantation before the old world had collapsed. He had landed on his feet though. She could see that by the way the other men had regarded him. He commanded power and attention and she had noticed the fine nature of his horse and clothing too. Gale might hate the Yankees, but that didn't extend to their money and it seemed that he was receiving plenty of it as a railroad man.
She thought of what he might gain by taking her as a wife. She was young, healthy, and strong. He found her attractive, she could tell by the way he was looking at her when they were watching the sunset and then later by the fire. Her manners were good and they had similar upbringings. Her divorce would cause a stir but if Gale were working for the northern railroad he had already given up on being truly accepted in southern society. He had wealth and power, he didn't need social approval. No one would speak ill of them to their faces, they wouldn't dare.
That still didn't fully explain what was in it for him. Sure, he hated Peeta, but that was a poor excuse to saddle himself with an impoverished woman. That is when it occurred to her. She had no wealth of her own. No family, no influence, no obvious means of support, and therefore she came with no obligations or strings attached. She would be an ideal wife to leave at his home while he traveled. She would have his children and run his household and be grateful just to be provided for. She had no position in society or family that would have to be taken care of nor answered to. A man like Gale preferred straightforward arrangements in which he held all the power. Yes, she would be a convenient wife indeed.
She was relieved to reach the cabin just as the sun was setting. Peeta was sitting at the front step and ran to meet her. She could see the anxiety and exhaustion in his eyes. She wished he would ask her where she had been but instead he told her that her supper was on the table and that he would fetch her water for washing as well. She ate and actually tasted the food for the first time in days. She watched as Peeta heated her water. No matter the circumstances, he still cared for her comforts.
Peeta could barely keep his eyes open. Katniss was home, at least for now, and with that knowledge came an almost overwhelming desire to let his body rest. He had done little since Gale had left but agonize over whether his wife would be leaving him. He simply couldn't bear to comp template it another minute. He laid in bed and listened to the sounds of her washing until darkness overcame him.
Katniss watched him sleep and noted the darkness under his eyes. He normally sprawled out on his back, his arms open to her. Tonight, he was curled into a ball at the far corner of the bed. He was worried, fearful that she would abandon him. She thought of the frightened young man that Delly had described. Perhaps the super human strength she had always associated with him had been a bit of an allusion created by his relative wealth and greater size when compared to her. It was a thought that remained with her as she combed out her hair and slipped in beside him.
When she woke hours later from another horrifying dream, he was the only person she wanted. She had just seen her sister run into the barn, watched it collapse on her head. "Prim" she called into the darkness. She repeated her sister's name over and over as Peeta drew her into the circle of his arms. He was so warm, so undeniably steady. "Kat" he soothed, rubbing her back and bringing her mouth to the crook of his neck. "Kat, shhh…you're alright. You're safe and your sister isn't in pain anymore. I've got you darling. You're going to be just fine." She threw her body completely over him and burst into tears again.
Days of uncertainty and yearning for his comfort poured out as she clung to him. Her tears streamed down the back of his neck but he didn't move to wipe them. Instead, he caressed her lower back with one hand and cupped her head with the other. His scent told her that all was well, but her memory of his strange reaction to being confronted by Gale still twisted within.
Peeta could feel her trembling and wanted nothing more than to shield her from all her troubles. For once, he knew that he was chief among what ailed her. There was nothing he could do to remedy the past but he could be here to comfort her now and that was what he planned to do as long as she would let him. When her crying had ceased he dropped several kisses on the top of her head and then to the side of her face. This caused her to draw back immediately. She wiped her face and shifted to lay beside him, propping herself on an elbow. It was the first time she appeared ready to speak to him since the ill-fated arrival of the small army group.
"I've been thinking" she said quietly. "I know the war was brutal and I only saw what went on behind the lines. You were pretty young when you were drafted and I know how you feel about hurting anything unnecessarily. Were you afraid Peeta? Is that why you didn't go?"
Peeta took a deep breath. He had been preparing for this for days but he still wasn't sure how it would be received. "Sure" he admitted. "I was plenty scared and Gale was right. I was never cut out to be a soldier but that wasn't the reason that I refused."
Her face was immediately in its signature scowl.
"I told you before that I had a good friend but that he wasn't able to come west with me" he began. "His name was Thresh. His mother was a personal maid to mine when my mother was young and then nanny to us boys and then head housekeeper at the plantation. My brothers were a lot older than me so Thresh and I did everything together. Even after my parents sent me to military school we always went fishing and camping on breaks."
Katniss considered his words carefully. She had also had a close relationship with a Negro but hers had come after the war. She wondered how her perception of it might have differed if she had been close to Cecelia before Fort Sumter.
"He was my best friend and I was never comfortable knowing that when we grew up he would be whipped by the foreman, have to work the cotton fields all day. My father agreed to have him trained as a butler. His mother was getting older and starting to succumb to her age. She couldn't work all day anymore. Her husband had been sold further south years before and most of her sons had followed. My whole life my family promised her that if she was good and faithful and if the house was run well she could keep her youngest with her."
Peeta fought tears at the memories but forced himself to continue. "On my last leave from school, I came home to find her bedridden and Thresh gone. My parents said that they had been offered more than a fair price for him since he was so big. I screamed and cried and raged at my father and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind. He just shook his head and told me that business was business and that it was high time I understood that. He said it was fine to become attached to slaves, he understood that and that some of the females had been good to him when mother hadn't."
"I felt so sick inside. I played in the slave cabins as a boy with Thresh. I knew how they felt about my father. None of those women wanted the "comfort" they gave him. Once you really knew some of them it all seemed so wrong. But that was the way things were and that is the way they had to be for my family to live the way that we did."
He stopped to scratch the back of his neck before he continued. He had never spoken like this to another white person and it made him extremely nervous to admit to such thoughts and feelings.
"When the war broke out, I was able to get leave home because both of my brothers signed up. I made sure that Thresh's mother was taken care of until she passed and planned to look for him too. If I could have bought him back without anyone knowing I might have been able to free him and send him north. Or I might have been able to let him perform easier work and then freed him later. I don't know. I'm not sure what I would have done but before I had the chance to put anything into action my name was called by the draft board."
"It was a tough decision. Despite all of our differences, I didn't want to shame my family. I thought I loved Madge and I wanted her to be proud of me too. I was a young wealthy fellow with a strong future ahead of me. I also went to academy with a lot of the boys at the front. I respected them and I wanted to back them up. But I held a similar bond with many a man in the blue uniform too. Military school had always been boys from a mix of backgrounds from north and south. The thought of shooting one of my old classmates kept me up at night."
"I resolved several times to report to my station but I would always stop at the last second. I would remember Thresh, his mother, the things my father had said, all of the lighter skinned children I had seen around the plantation. All of my mother's seething hatred for the women we owned and the children they bore. It wasn't a good thing Katniss. Not for any of us."
"But…" Katniss stuttered. "There were families that weren't like that. And that wasn't the only reason men served. The Yankees were trying to take over our country, trying to tell us how to live our lives and what our society had to look like. We had to do something."
Peeta nodded. "I know Kat" he agreed. "I know there were good men who served. Most of them didn't even have slaves. I'm not arguing that they were all wrong in their reasons to go. But since we all have these rights that everyone wanted, each man had to decide on his own what the just course of action was. I decided not to join the confederate army. I couldn't fight to defend a system that so often served wickedness and didn't reward goodness and faithfulness. That isn't what God would have had me do and I was a Christian before I was a southerner."
Katniss sat gaping at him. She had never heard such talk in her life.
"Kat" he whispered reaching out to touch her face and then trailing his hand down the scars on her back. "Nobody should be in a positon in which he or she is completely powerless and has no voice. It's dangerous and truly horrible things happen. No one knows that better than you."
She shuddered and did her best not to remember all of the times slaves had been punished at her own home. "Papa…Papa never liked selling them away from their families" she defended.
Peeta sat back. He would never win the battle of criticizing her father. "He did it though" was all he said.
Katniss was flooded with uncertainty and fear. Like the ground beneath her were starting to crumble. She rushed to keep it in its place.
"But when I came here" she started. "When I came you accused me of being mixed race. You told Haymitch that you wouldn't marry a colored woman or an Indian."
Peeta considered her argument. "I'm still working out how I feel about some of these things" he admitted. "I'm not sure about some of the larger political questions. I just saw a world I didn't want to be a part of and I left it hoping to find something better. That comment about you came out all wrong. You just looked so different than the girls I knew before and I shouldn't have said that. You're beautiful and your skin is perfect. I love how different it looks than mine when I hold you." He rubbed her dark locks between his fingers.
"You're right that I didn't want an interracial marriage. I guess I'm not that comfortable with it. Marriage is hard and life is difficult, look at all of the troubles we have been having. I didn't want to have one more mountain to climb. That and I wanted children. I want the best for my kids, really for all kids. If I would have married a squaw they would never have been accepted into society, not white society anyway. I didn't want to explain to my sons why they couldn't attend functions with me or register to vote. Maybe it isn't right that people would have treated us poorly but that's the way it is and my thoughts and feelings about a woman wouldn't change it."
The following day Katniss was up early. By the time Peeta had donned a shirt and trousers her horse was saddled and ready to go. The coat and hat she was wearing suggested more than just a casual ride and the saddle bags appeared to be full. This was it, she was leaving. She walked up to meet him and to his surprise she came up on her toes and kissed him gently on the cheek. It felt like goodbye.
"I'm going to see Delly" she said. "I have a lot to think about it and I need to talk it through with someone."
He nodded but the solemnness of her expression made him doubt her words.
"I'll be back tonight" she assured. He nodded again and pulled her close to give her a proper kiss. If he never saw her again he was going to take this one last memory.
As he readied for the day he wanted to believe her. But he knew she wasn't visiting Delly. For one thing, he was pretty sure that was where she had been the day before. For another, when she had left she had been heading in the opposite direction. He only hoped she knew what she was doing. He doubted she actually knew where Hawthorne was even if she did intend to meet him.
He put off returning to the cabin until late afternoon. He didn't want to face it without her. Couldn't stand to see her piano and the bed they had shared. When he lost the battle with his hunger he went to the kitchen, not sparing a glance around the room. His dinner was nearly ready when he finally lost it and set the spoon down. On trembling knees, he walked over and lifted the lid of the trunk. His world shattered. Her money bag was gone.