It didn't take Katniss long to negotiate with the brave. His English was actually surprisingly good. When she approached the camp word of her arrival spread quickly and most of the people scattered. They recognized her and knew she had been sick the last time they had seen her. Even though she had survived she was still considered to be bad medicine.
She thought that she would have to ask around in order to locate Smokey but the young man whom he had been traded to met her before she was even able to fully enter the village.
"White woman strong" he said motioning to her. "White woman still alive."
"Yes" she said, removing her hat so that he could see her better. "My husband tells me that your people are mostly to thank for it."
He seemed unimpressed. "White men not thankful to us. Not the ones who came after."
"So there have been other white men here?" She asked. "Strangers in uniform?"
He nodded. "What they want no good. We tell them leave us in peace."
She reached for her money bag and shook it so that he could hear the clatter of gold pieces. "I am not with those men" she assured. "I've come to make a trade. A good trade that will benefit you."
His eyes narrowed. "No land" he stated.
"No land" she agreed. "All I want is my husband's horse back. I can pay in gold, more than he is worth."
He brought his hand down to stroke along the animal's mane. "Good horse, worth many coins."
Katniss smiled. The bargaining had begun. If he wasn't willing to sell the horse he would have simply declined. Instead, he was talking it up to get the best price possible. She removed her bag and pretended to count out a large portion of it. When she offered him that, he argued with her until she had agreed to pay it all. What he did not know, was that she had already shifted half of it into the other saddle bag. She knew he would drive the amount up to total whatever he believed she could pay. A short time later, she was riding back towards the farm, Peeta's horse tied to her own.
Her heart was still aching but it was no longer conflicted. She had trusted Peeta wholeheartedly and the realization that he had hidden things from her made her reticent to make herself vulnerable again. He didn't believe in the cause and she was still struggling to unite herself with someone who differed so much with her on so large an issue. But she still used the windows to check her reflection and fix her hair before she saw him. Her heart beat faster when she noticed his stare and she longed to share passion with him again. He was her husband and she was still in love with him.
The man she had chosen to spend her life with would have been adversary to her beloved father. They each belonged to a distinctly different part of her life and it was difficult for her to reconcile the two. She glanced over at Smokey. She was doing the right thing. Peeta had trusted her to have the immediate means to start off on her own at any time. She was showing him that she wasn't ever going to walk through that door. Things couldn't just go back to the way they had been, parts of him were apparently unknown to her. But she was committed to exploring him completely.
In the distance she saw a circle of tents and smoke rising from a cooking fire. She was pretty sure she knew the identity of the small party and as she drew closer her suspicions were confirmed. She dismounted and accepted greeting from several of the soldiers. Gale emerged from his tent almost immediately.
"Kat" he said smiling and opened his arms to her. She reached forward and simply shook his hand. It was a clear rebuff and she regretted that it took place in front of others but he hadn't given her much of a choice.
"Maybe it would be best if we speak in private for a moment" she suggested and he nodded his head to a creek nearby. She led the horses over to be watered but was careful to stay within line of sight. She knew Gale wouldn't harm her but she was a married woman and it would be inappropriate for them to be truly alone.
"I'm confused Katniss" Gale began with a hint of agitation. "You are planning to come with me right? If not, why did you come and find me?"
"I'm not going with you" she answered with conviction. "I wasn't looking for you. I actually went to trade for a horse that Peeta had lost and just stumbled on your party on my way back to the farm but I'm glad that I did. You made me a serious proposal Gale and I owe you an honest answer. I know that my husband has faults and he should have told me about his past."
She took a moment to catch her breath. She suddenly felt a bit winded from the emotions pumping through her veins. She knew her decision would not be well received and she wasn't used to speaking so freely about her inner thoughts.
"I don't fully understand your history with him. But Gale…Peeta is my husband which makes him kin and the most important person in my life. He and I have feelings for each other, very strong ones and we intend to build a life out here together."
Gale's face hardened and his fists began to clench.
"You were a good friend to me when we were young " she pleaded. "I have fond memories of you and your family and I would like to keep them intact. There is nothing you can say or do to change my mind so please don't do anything that you will regret."
She could see him hesitate.
"I don't get it" he admitted. "What is this guy holding over you that you want to stay out here instead of going back home?"
Katniss let her mind drift across the years and miles.
"Georgia stopped being my home a long time ago" she told him. "There's nothing there for me now."
He gave a slight nod and returned his hat it to his head. Without another word he turned and started back towards camp.
"Gale" she called to stop him. He looked over his shoulder. "Have you ever been in love?" she asked.
He considered it for a moment and shook his head. She gave him a smile.
"I want that" she told him. "I want that for you. If I went with you it would never happen. I have that with Peeta and when you meet the right woman you will have it with her too."
Katniss was just preparing to mount her horse again when she heard someone say her name. She turned to find Gale, a look of contrition on his face. She cocked her head in question and he shifted back and forth. Whatever he needed to say to her, he obviously didn't look forward to sharing it.
"Look Katniss" he began. "I shouldn't have behaved the way I did the other night at the farm. I shouldn't have said those things. Mellark has always brought out the worst in me I guess. I did some things, back when we were kids that I regret. I've thought a lot about them since then but when I saw him again the other day I got really angry again."
"Mellark is probably not all bad" he admitted. "But I…I've always had it out for him. Bullied him pretty badly all the way through school. It wasn't that he was weak, no far from it. Quite amazing that he survived everything I put him through. I didn't always fight fair, me and my buddies would gang up on him. I remember, one time we locked him outside of the barracks and he had to sleep all night in the rain."
Katniss stopped moving and she brought her hand to her chest. Oh Peeta, he was being abused at home and at school too. Poor boy. How on earth had he still grown up to be so good?
"I don't understand" Katniss said. "Why do you hate Peeta so much? I know you didn't like that he failed to report but what got all of this started in the first place?"
Gale stopped to consider this. "During our second year, there was a competition at the end of the term. It was hand to hand, no weapons and you had to pin the other man to the ground. I was an excellent fighter and everyone assumed I would win. Mellark was a pretty solid guy too but he didn't have the attitude or the presence. But to everyone's surprise he bested me in the final round and won top honors. After that, I was always on his case. He was a pretty easy target too. He mostly just kept his head down and took it. He never really fought back. Sometimes I felt bad about it but then I would remember the title he stole from me and how disappointed my old man was that I didn't bring that trophy home. Then a few years later there was a girl. Her name was Madge. I was always sweet on her but when she came of age her parent's betrothed her to Mellark. His folks had bigger holdings. It seemed like he was always getting things that rightfully belonged to me. Things that I had worked harder for."
Gale may not know why Peeta hadn't pushed back harder but Katniss did. Peeta was used to being beaten by someone who held power over him. It had been happening his whole life. Gale Hawthorne was nothing compared to what he had already been through.
"I was kind of surprised when he went after that man in our company the other night" Gale continued. "I rarely saw that kind of aggression out of him in school."
He stopped and gave her profile a once over. "I guess he has found something that he is more passionate about now."
Katniss blushed and he waved his hand to dismiss the compliment and laughed in good humor. When he began again she followed with a small chuckle of her own.
"It looks like this place has been good to him" Gale noted. "When I knew him before he was more quiet and withdrawn. He spent a lot of his time drawing and didn't take a lot of interest in our classes. He always struck me as a bit of a dreamer. This life seems to suite him better."
"That's what set me off the other day. I always thought that he would have to suffer for abandoning us when we could have used him. Then I run into him all healthy and whole and with a strong and beautiful wife to boot. It isn't fair. He doesn't have to relive the battles every night in his dreams. Doesn't have to carry the guilt of all the men he has killed hanging around his neck. It's not right that I fought so hard and your father died and our families lost our plantations. Then there are people like the Mellarks that did better. Too well some might think."
Katniss gave him a quizzical scowl. He removed his hat and ran his fingers through his hear before returning it.
"Like they were selling to union textile mills the entire time" he offered, filling in the blanks in her mind.
She could see how that burned Gale all the more and it hurt her heart a little too. Not that it reflected on Peeta's character, he would have been long gone by then. But it made his mother's treatment seem all the more unnecessary and severe.
By the time they finished the conversation she saw something that she thought she never would. Something that she never wanted to. Gale was fighting tears.
"I don't expect you to forgive me Katniss" Gale said. "God knows I'll never forgive myself for everything that I did in the war, but for some reason it felt important to tell you the truth. I'm sure Peeta can fill you in on the rest when you ask him. I wish you the best…I really do."
"You should stop by and apologize to him" Katniss said with conviction. "It sounds like it is the least you could do."
Gale shook his head. "That won't happen. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to a man who didn't serve. I watched too many good boys die to forgive anyone who abandoned them. But I thought maybe if you knew…I don't know…it might help you with him somehow. Maybe it was stupid, but it feels right to tell it like it is on this one. I've still got my issues with him, but I haven't done right by a long shot either."
Katniss hugged him goodbye. She could feel the surprise in his embrace. It made her sad. That her old friend had ended up so miserable and unhappy. That most of it was the result of his own decisions.
Katniss was so caught up in analyzing what she had learned about her husband that she didn't notice how slow her pace was. Not until the sun began to sink low in the sky. She needed to get home. Peeta would be worried.
The door to the cabin opened as she rode up and dismounted. She expected Peeta to be excited about Smokey but as he came forward his face was sober. He reached out and pulled her into his embrace. His arms had their usual strength as he held her but she could also feel the slight tremble in them. His heart was beating fast.
"Peeta" she said, taking his face in her hands. "It's alright. Darling did something happen?"
He stared at her as if he were afraid that she would disappear into a puff of smoke at any minute. "You left" he managed. "You left with full saddle bags and traveling clothes and you took your money bag with you."
Full understanding dawned on her and she pulled him close again. "I wouldn't" she reassured him. "I would never do that. Even if I decided to go I would tell you. I would say goodbye. I wouldn't say that I was visiting Delly and then not come back."
He nodded even as he continued to frown. "I knew you weren't in town" he told her. "I watched you ride out. You were going the wrong way and you would have worn a better dress."
She stroked Smokey's mane. "I needed to go and get this guy. He is part of our family and he needed to come home."
Peeta smiled and greeted his old friend with a pat. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
Katniss led the animals in to be fed. It had been a long day and the horses deserved it. "Because you would have never let me go" she said.
"It was dangerous Katniss. You could have been hurt or worse. You didn't have to put yourself at risk to get my horse back. I love him and I appreciate it but you shouldn't have gone. You don't owe me that."
Katniss grabbed his arm to stop him. "This wasn't about owing a debt" she told him. "Smokey belongs here and I wanted to spend some of my money bringing him home. He would have made it there but he is better off here with the people who love him."
Peeta's eyes grew sad. "So I won't be alone if you leave with Gale?" he asked.
She bit her bottom lip and started to unsaddle her mount.
"I'm not going with Gale" she answered.
Peeta turned her to face him. "What?" he asked.
She lifted her gaze to meet his. "I'm not going with Gale" she repeated with certainty. "I'm still angry with you and hurt that you didn't tell me. I feel like I need to get to know you all over again and I don't like it that you dodged the draft. But I'm your wife Peeta and you're my husband. We are a family and we belong together. This is our home and I won't leave it because we have had a disagreement. I'm sorry that I made you think that I would."
After they had eaten, Katniss decided to take a bath and Peeta spent a long time out in the barn. As strange as it sounded, he had missed talking to Smokey. His eyes followed his owner as he paced before the stall and every time Peeta looked into them he thought that they held deep understanding. He confessed the fears he had been having over the last week or so and how glad he was that his friend had come home. It made him feel better to have such a familiar presence about the farm. He didn't even realize how fully uneasy his friend's absence had made him until he had returned.
Before he realized it, the moon was high in the sky. He washed very thoroughly, but he did it outside. His actions reflected his uncertainty with where things stood in his marriage. He wanted to be clean enough to be close to Katniss, but he wasn't sure she wanted him traipsing naked about the house at this point either. He sighed. He just wished things between them were easier. At least now the whole truth was out and the specter of the past no longer cast dark shadows over the future.
He found her propped up in bed, reading by lamplight. She was wearing the nightgown he had given her. That was a good sign. Her freshly washed hair tumbled over her shoulders and the ends curled a bit. God, she was so beautiful. She looked up at him and licked her lips. She had no idea how desirable he found her. He had told her many times but he knew that she still didn't believe him.
He stripped down to his undershorts and she put her book aside. In a moment, they lay on their sides facing each other. Katniss chose not to distinguish the lamp. They stared at each other in silence. Finally, daring to look their fill of one another after so many days of avoidance.
"You came back" he said in wonder, bringing a hand to her cheek.
She covered it with her own. "I never left" she corrected gently.
He shook his head. "Maybe not physically" he told her. "But you haven't been with me in this bed since Hawthorne told you the truth about me. You haven't been paying proper attention to the chores and you haven't shared a single thought about the planting."
Katniss lowered her eyes. "It's been hard for me to focus" she admitted. "All I can think about is Mama and Papa. About what they would say if they knew of our marriage. How they would judge me for wanting to stay. They wouldn't approve Peeta. I know they wouldn't. But they also didn't know you. They didn't know the life we have lived since the war. They didn't know Cecelia or Thresh. It's really hard but I guess I've realized that at this point in my life…they don't know me."
Peeta held her face in his hands as he brought his lips to her forehead.
She wanted to lose herself in his touch but she pulled back because she needed answers more.
"Why didn't you stand up for yourself?" she asked. He answered with a quizzical look. "When Gale was here" she clarified. "Why didn't you push back on him?"
"I did" Peeta answered. "Heck, I grabbed that one guy and shook him so hard they had to break it up."
Katniss considered this. "Because of what he said about me" she observed. "You came to my defense the moment a word was said to disparage my honor but you stayed silent when the attack was against you."
Peeta shrugged. "What Hawthorne said was true. I probably deserved to be called out for my actions. Especially since I hadn't told you about them when we married."
"Oh Peeta" Katniss said in concern, bringing a hand back up to his face. "Gale didn't just tell me about the past, he called you names and the way he spoke to you was so disrespectful. He had no right to treat you in such a manner."
He thought on it. "I guess I'm just used to him being that way. He always was when we were in school. I knew the minute I saw him that he would humiliate me. Then I saw the way he looked at you. There was no way he was going to show me any mercy with you here. When he comes back, please don't speak to him alone. I really don't like it. I saw when he tried to kiss you in front of the fire."
Katniss's cheeks flamed at the memory. She hadn't allowed it but she ought not to have been in such an intimate setting with him in the first place.
"I'm sorry" she said softly. "I wasn't thinking straight that night. You won't have to worry about next time though. On my way back from buying Smokey I ran into him, well the whole party that is. I told him that I wasn't going with him. I said that I wanted to stay married because of my vows and because of the way that we feel about each other."
She gave him a shy smile and he felt his heart soar. She wasn't leaving. She had told Hawthorne to buzz off. She had had chosen him and she had told Hawthorne to his face.
"Gale and I spoke about some other things this afternoon as well" she continued. "That is one of the reasons I was so late. He told me…he told me that he and some of the other cadets used to bully you."
She wasn't exactly sure how Peeta would react by being confronted about this but she didn't expect the tears that welled in his eyes.
"Yeah" he admitted and looked away. "They did."
She pulled his head to her chest and kissed his forehead. "Can you tell me?" she asked. "I won't judge you Peeta, I promise. I just…I just need to know and I think you might need to talk about it."
He never intended to speak of his days in military school to anyone, let alone a beautiful woman in a nightie. But she was his partner. He needed to take this chance and trust her. After all, she had shown him her back hadn't she? And she never looked at him differently because of his limp. Maybe it would be alright to tell someone about all the bad things that had happened to him.
"Hawthorne never liked me" he told her. "But after I beat him in the wrestling tournament he went out of his way to make my life hell whenever he could. Him and his buddies stole my homework, ruined my uniforms, they even put poop in my bed once. Any time we had a chance to meet girls they would tell them that I liked other men. They spread rumors that I had been caught doing it with another cadet. I confronted him once. I punched him and another guy in the face so hard that it knocked them both on the floor. A few nights later, a group of them dragged me out of my bed in the middle of the night and took me to the basement. A couple of them held me down and beat me with some kind of a pipe or club, I don't know, my memory of it is really hazy. After that, I laid low and stayed out of their way. It was strange though… Gale wasn't there that night. He stopped by the infirmary and told me that he wanted me to know that it wasn't him and that he had no part in it. I think he knew that they had gone too far. It never happened again and I know he was the one that put a stop to it and I was grateful for that but he still treated me like I was some kind of a sissy when he saw me. "
His expression hardened. Katniss noticed that his face was dry but hers wasn't. "What's funny is that Hawthorne has always thought that he licked me. That I backed down because I was afraid of what he might do."
He looked down at his hands. "I wasn't afraid of him. I could have taken care of that situation if he was my only problem. What I was really afraid of was getting in trouble with the school. The Superintendent liked Hawthorne. His father was one of his close friends. If it got back to my mother that I was doing anything less than being a model cadet, she would have beaten me…badly. There were some times when I didn't know if she was going to stop. I was a thousand times more afraid of what she would do than I ever was of the guys at school. I couldn't fight back against her. She was my mother."
Katniss laid kisses on his face. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"Who would I have told?" he asked. "My father and my brothers already knew. So did the slaves who worked on our plantation. My father didn't like it but he didn't know how to stand up to her. That's why he spent so much time in the city running our business there or…down in the slave cabins."
"It had been happening since I was really little so I just assumed that it was normal. I felt like I deserved it. The first time I ever actually defied her she ran me over with the carriage. She was sorry that I didn't die. That's why I had to leave. I hate my limp but it helps remind me of what I am I guess."
"It should only remind you of how badly she deserves to be horse whipped" Katniss insisted.
"She didn't want another boy" Peeta explained. "Actually, I am not sure she wanted another baby at all. She already had two sons to inherit our properties. My brothers thought I was a nuisance. I had lots of friends and girls who liked me. Because my family had money and I was handsome and easy to get along with. Later on I even had Madge, but I wasn't ever able to get too close to anyone. I couldn't risk them finding out about mother. About the things she did to me. About my relationship with Thresh. Looking back, even that might not have been real. I was the owner's son. He got the best of everything when he played with me. I like to think I wasn't just the means to an end but I don't know. I found out later that he ran away and joined the United States Colored Troops. In the end he didn't require any help from me. He was his own man. Most of my family was glad to see me go. No one needed me."
Katniss was bursting with things that she needed to tell him. But she wasn't good with words. Instead, she moved to straddle his waist. She adjusted to align their most intimate parts and rub them together. He groaned and she sat back to look at him.
"I do Peeta" she confessed. "I need you."
He was surprised how wet she was as she slowly sank down. When he was fully encased she sat back and closed her eyes.
"What are you thinking Kat?" he asked quietly.
She opened her eyes to look at him. "How full you make me feel. How no one else could have ever gotten this close. How much I need this to last. I need you Peeta. I want to love you, to belong to you."
She began to move, slowly at first, taking him in long torturous strokes. He tried to help but she refused to lean forward. Instead, she kept her body upright, forcing him to accept her pace. She wanted it to be her effort that would bring them both to release. She held his gaze the whole time. Watching as tears began to flow down his face to match her own.
They had both lost so much. Both suffered at the hands of others again and again. That knowledge built between the two of them along with their excitement. But it wasn't the pain of the past that caused them to lose control. It was the breaking of the tension that had surrounded them since Gale's pronouncements. The relief of being together again. The full gravity of all that might never have been.