I have the inane ability to do whatever does not need to be done.

I am supposed to be writing up a Sherlock One-Shot for a friend, and I decide to do this first. Before I start and actually write, I received this disturbing message from an author as a response to when I reviewed her story: here is the message

Ur reviews r like wetting my pants. Everybdy can c it, bt only I can feel its warmth.

…..

Don't even try denying it whoever you are. I wield the power of copy-paste. Not that I think hey will see it, it was a review for another archive. On another note, this is pretty dumb, but…whatever. My stories have an X-factor to them. The stuff I think is terrible, I get lots of reviews for, and people telling me how much they laughed. The stuff I spend hours on gets two reviews total. Oh, does anyone else use situations that happen in real life, because it is getting soo much harder to do that, now that e and my friends have officially entered the R-rated zone. So many things I would like to put in here..so many things that would force this fic to be moved up to an M rating…

Rule 26

When the ratio of fangirls to a single man exceeds 7:1, run.

Holly looked over his shoulder. "Really?"

Artemis rubbed the bridge of his nose and sank into his chair. "Yes, really."

Foaly snickered as he looked at the e-mail. "Those kids will be scarred."

Butler cleared his throat. "If middle schools are the same now as when I was the young masters age, it shouldn't be too bad. I might not even bother packing the stun grenades for this trip."

Artemis didn't even look up. "Butler, you went to Madame Ko's academy. Your Language Arts involved turning book pages into ninja stars."

The large man frowned. "It did not. For your information, I took law."

The teenage genius allowed a hint of a smile to touch his lips. "Law and Loopholes begin with the same letter."

Holly had enjoyed seeing Artemis in immense discomfort, the way he was when he read the e-mail. "Back on topic you three. Artemis has to go talk to a school?"

Artemis started sulking a thing. "Something about a program to show kids that reading will make you successful in life. Father accepted two seconds before he realized that they had their honeymoon that night. Absolutely no prizes are awarded to the person that figures who has to take his place."

"Mulch?"

….

Artemis was scowling again. "I looked through these book reports that this teacher sent me, so I could get a feel for popular teen literature. Look at this." He passed the paper to Butler, who spared a secong from scanning a crowd of pacifists with matching shirts for assassins to read the pitifully short report.

My Third Quarter Book Report by Emma H

I read a book about one of my fav book characters, Alex rider. It was a book called eagle strike. I waz into the forst chpter,wen i waz like, alex and sab 4ever! there just rite 4 each other, u no? I lolzed when cray died. The end. *

Butler blinked as he tried to maneuver his way through the report. He wasn't sure what was worse, the grammar or the summary itself. He slowly handed it back to Artemis, who almost looked afraid to touch it, as if stupidity might be contagious. Still, it was an extreme case. There were some well-written ones, and he might talk more than normal, due to the fact he liked American accents, and the school he was speaking at was in the Midwest.**

Two hours later, he walked into a classroom of fourteen year olds. Eighth Grade. (In England, that's a year 9..i think)

He immediately started analyzing them. Some kids didn't even look up from the book they were reading. Other acknowledged him, then went back to stuffing vending machine food in their mouth. Four people exactly gave him their full attention.

Of course four people did.

One of them froze.

"Nico?"

Five girls heads popped up at the same time.

Artemis was slightly uncomfortable.

A girl in the back leaned out of her chair as if trying to get a look at his back.

The teacher stood up from behind her desk

"Class. This is Artemis Fowl, who will be representing Pages to the Future. He has looked over you last book reports, so feel free to ask him questions about teen literature, and how what we teach in school affects business."

Absolutely none of it thought Artemis.

His sharp eyes caught some kid skillfully pickpocket another kid's gum.

Very little of it

He looked at the girl who was about to fall out of her seat. "Do you need something miss?"

The girl looked startled, then smoothed out her hair. "Does the words Maximum Ride mean anything to you?"

The girl studied his face for a change in expression.

"No."

Three kids looked horrified.

She stopped staring. "Never mind. You remind me of someone I know.."she trailed off, muttering something about fangs.

Some bookish kid who was reading Dracula was angling himself so he could see if Artemis's reflection was present in the mirror.

He lifted an eyebrow for a minute, before launching himself into a lecture that he had spent a few precious minutes concocting on the plane. Most of it totally false.

"..And that is how with the right education you can become president." He said in a robot voice, not an ounce of enthusiasm showing through his eyes.

"Any questions?"

He nodded minutely to a kid in the front.

"How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Artemis answered, deadpan. "Five pounds"

Some kid with a t-shirt with the Narnia emblem on it asked "Are you Edmund? Because, I just saw the movie, and you look like him."

Artemis instantly regretted using his blue contact.

"If I say Yes, will people stop asking if I am Ender Wiggin or Edmund Pevensie?"

All the girls in the room shut up for a split second, their attention completely captured.

The Bell rang.

"Artemis…" Butler said faintly, reaching for his sig. (Tranquilizers sometimes just don't cut it with fangirls armed with cameras)

"Yes?"

"Rule 26"

"Duly noted Butler."

"No, mine."

"Which is what"

Bears and Fangirls are almost the same thing." He said, as if speaking from years of experience . "You don't need to be fast, you just need to be faster than your friend."

….

Holly picked up her phone.

"Short."

"Holly" Artemis said in a slightly frightened tone.

"Yes?"

"Someone in the TV world heard about the enthusiasm I drummed up with the kids."

"Why is that a bad thing? You should be proud of yourself."

Artemis was close to breaking. "I got an invite to repeat the speech."

"From another middle school?"

"Oprah."

A/N:

* Eagle Strike is a real book, part of the excellent Alex Rider series by Anthony Horowitz. I swear, someone turned in a report like that. I wanted to do something people were more familiar with, like PJatO, but they really did use the "I lolzed wen they died" line, and LOTS of people die in Alex Rider, sooo…and I needed a pairing. As popular as the Percabeth pairing is, in AR, books 3-8, that is the only ship possible, and I didn't want complaints.

**Hey, I live in the Midwest, and I think Irish accents are cool, so maybe it's likewise for Irish people. If you are Irish, and you think American accents arnt cool, too bad. Besides, it dpends on the region. Sometimes I miss a few words is a Georgia accent is really thick.

Fang=maximum ride

Edmund=Narnia (movie Verse)

Ender=Enders Game (Movie Verse)

Nico=percy Jackson