In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes
(which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
A/N: I think I have the formatting thing at least readable now, let me know if you are still having issues. Thanks!
Hermione turned Harry back towards the gathered crowd of witches and smacked him on the arse. "Now go out there and shag somebody!" she cackled.
Harry narrowed his eyes, already plotting his revenge, when he noticed a witch dressed as some sort of flower. He laughed to himself,thinking Neville would have loved this girl. She was a dream in green, white and yellow, and her petals were the things the gods spoke of in reverent tones. He finally looked up to the woman's unadorned face and simply shook his head.
Leave it to Susan Bones to make his life easy. She had been hanging around Harry and Hermione for years, always a fun shag, and pretty much up for anything. While she was actually quite intelligent, her bouncy attitude and bust made most underestimate her. At any rate, Harry had long ago learned not to pass up an opportunity with the happy former Hufflepuff.
"C'mon Sue, let's go. Love the costume by the way." chuckled Harry, as he grabbed Susan's hand and walked to the doorway.
Susan started jumping up and down happily, skipping along past several other disgruntled witches. She stuck her tongue out while crossing her eyes at one or two witches in particular. Harry noticed none of this, as he was quite distracted watching Susan nearly bounce out of her low cut green top.
So distracted in fact, that he missed the opening of the door, and found the frame of it with his jaw. As he bounced off the frame and to the floor, he tried to recover his dignity, and ignore the buzzing in his head. "After you, Ms. Bones." said Harry, politely gesturing Susan through the door. He shook his head trying to ignore the ringing noise in his ears. He did take a moment to enjoy the view as Susan entered the room. She was in a long, green low cut form fitting dress, that was slit up both sides nearly to her waist. She was wearing elbow length gloves, along with a white flower petal headpiece that finished the floral themed outfit off.
As Susan entered the room, Harry enjoyed the view as she swished her hips back and forth. While most people focused on her front, Harry was definitely an equal opportunity man, and had a great appreciation for her tight, delectable arse. He thought back fondly to the one night with Susan and Hermione, and the bottomless pot of warm chocolate sauce, marshmallows, and...
"Harry! Aren't you coming?" giggled Susan, crossing her arms under her breasts and pouting adorably.
'If I kept thinking about that night? All too soon!' thought Harry, suddenly craving S'mores. He stood up, and after dusting himself off, entered into the room. He began massaging his jaw, trying to clear his head, and focus on the woman in front of him. "Wow, I really rang my bell on that door! My ears are ringing, and I can't seem to get this buzzing out of my head." laughed Harry, sticking a pinky in his ear and wiggling it about. "What's with the music Sue? I didn't know you were in to jazz?"
"Gee, Harry, I can't imagine why you would be hearing buzzing? giggle Although I suppose you haven't taken a good look at your costume yet have you?" asked Susan, who was beginning to laugh so hard, she was in danger of bursting the seams of her costume.
Interestingly enough, it was having a similar effect on Harry's costume. Harry looked down and wondered 'Why am I dressed in Hufflepuff yellow and black stripes? More importantly, what in the bloody blue blazes am I doing hovering a foot off the ground!? Harry was really starting to have concerns, he suddenly heard the buzzing increase, and there seemed to be a wind picking up in the room. Harry twisted frantically, trying to see what was causing the noise and the sudden wind. Unfortunately, whatever it was that was causing him to float, also caused an effect similar to the plane he had seen used for training astronauts.
As he spun rapidly in the air, he thanked his father for his skills at Quidditch. While he now understood why the plane was called the "vomit comet", he seemed to not have the typical reaction. He was getting a nice little buzz though.
He calmed down, and slowly his rotation speed reduced. He noticed that Susan had unzipped the dress down to just below her navel, and her luscious breasts were on full display. Susan trailed her hands up from her hips and along her sides, slowly lifting and pressing both breasts together. Between the throbbing in his loins, the damnable buzzing in the room, and what felt like an imprint of the door frame in his skull,Harry was almost overcome. And what the hell was with that crazy damn music?
Susan smiled, and with her right hand, lifted a rosy nipple to her mouth and began to lick it while gesturing with her left index finger for Harry to come closer.
Harry tried to walk towards Susan, but he didn't seem to be making any progress. He tried moving faster, until finally he was running in place. He looked down, and realized he literally was, and he was still a bloody foot off the ground. He groaned, and shook his head in frustration. Susan was now bent over, with her hands on her knees, and seemed to be quite out of breath.
"You know, normally, I like to see a girl in that pose all out of breath, but right now it stings a bit." grumbled Harry. He was really starting to get frustrated, and was rapidly headed towards upset.
"Stings he says! chortle Really Harry? snorkle You really should learn to not just fly into things without being aware of the situation. giggle Being!" laughed Susan, falling on her arse and rolling about on the floor, desperately holding her ribs and laughing herself breathless.
"Ha. Ha. You know if you are just going to roll around on the floor and wrestle with yourself, maybe I can charm up some jello or pudding, so I can at least enjoy the show." groused Harry, with his arms crossed and a rather frustrated look on his face.
"Oh, I don't know Harry, how about some honey instead? It might be easier to whip up? Snort!" gasped Susan.
"Whatever, I think maybe I'll try and float back outside." said an extremely frustrated Harry.
"Now, now, no need for that. Here, let me lend a hand, and we'll see if a little stabilization doesn't clear things up a bit." Susan got off the floor, and put action to word, grabbing the front of Harry's costume with one hand and pulling him close for a passionate kiss.
After a moment, she pulled back slightly and licked her lips.
"Morganna, that witch is a genius! She should get an award for this!" whispered Susan. She slowly dragged her left hand down Harry's chest, and proceeded to extract his manhood from the costume. "There now. I've found a nice sturdy handle, why don't you look over your shoulder and see if we can't clear things up." smiled Susan, slowly stroking Harry, while occasionally rubbing the thumb of her right hand over the tip to spread his precum.
Harry shook his head again, trying to clear his head, and wondering exactly why he would want to look away from Susan sucking on her thumb with a blissed-out expression. He also noticed the music seemed to have slowed down and acquired a familiar bass line. Finally, he slowly looked over his right shoulder and saw a rapidly buzzing pair of wings!
He looked back at Susan in shock, and she simply giggled, before pointing up at his head. Harry simply goggled at Susan, before she removed one of his hands from her breasts, and placed it on his head. He went to instinctively rub at the sore spot on his head, when he stopped in amazement.
He had a pair of bloody antenna sticking up out of his damned head! He could feel them waving about furiously, as it all came together.
He was a great, big, honking bee!
Oh, he was going to have Hermione's ass for this. He'd make her wear those charmed knickers he had come up with the twins when they were considering opening up an adult division. The ones' remotely controlled by his wand!
"Hmmm, Harry? Is this great big stinger for me?" asked Susan in a throaty voice as she bent over, placing the head of her penis in her mouth and wantonly sucking on him. "MMMM...I think I want some more of this honey Harrybee. What do you say?"
"Are you asking me to pollinate you Ms. Bones?" asked a now smiling Harry.
"Well, at the very least, you can tickle my pistils. Now, lemmee see what we can do with this stinger of yours?" purred Susan. With that, she took one last sloppy lick of Harry's cock and placed it between her breasts. She pressed her breasts together and began to slowly slide them up and down. Harry leaned his head back and groaned. He had to admit shagging Susan's titties was one of his favorite things.
There was just something so nice about being all surrounded by her soft, warm baps that made him a happy wizard.
"Harry? You want to stop standing there with your hands on your hips like some wannabe superhero? The girls are lonely and feeling neglected. Ahh, that's better. You know, now that I think about it, you'd make a pretty good superhero. You certainly could fill out the spandex. Now we just need a name. The Bee? giggle No no. I know, the Mage! Superwizard! Lightning Man? Ohhhh, I like that. MMMMMMM...." moaned Susan.
"Funny lady Sue. I think I got enough of the hero thing at Hogwarts. The only uniform I'll be wearing is an Auror's. Where the hell did you come up with those names? Super wizard? Really? What has you so excited about the name Lightning Man anyways?" asked Harry.
"Oh hush, you berk! I was only kidding about the superhero thing! I was moaning because of what you were doing to the girls. Keep that up, its heavenly!" said Susan. She definitely seemed to be enjoying the attention Harry was paying her, as she had sped up her motions, and was licking the crown of his dick as it came into range.
"OK. Well, I have to admit, if any of us were to end up in spandex, I would want it to be you. Although, Lightning Man does have a sort of nice ring to it. Ah, who am I kidding, Hermione would kill me. Of course, if you keep that up, she'll miss her chance." laughed Harry.
"MMMmmm, no worries Harry, Hermione would never do that. She's got plans for you. giggle Although, from what I saw of Marietta, you'd better hope the crone crew doesn't find out about them. They'd have you chained up, pumping out "Pottergene" and "Harrycox" treatments all day long. Probably shagging them all bow legged all night long to boot." laughed Susan.
Harry shivered.
"Merlin, Sue! I love watching you laugh. It gets your boobs jiggling like the clouds of heaven crossed with Jello. I could spend the rest of my life doing that. Now if I could just convince you to keep up what you were doing to me for the rest of your life, I'd die a happy wizard. Seriously though, how different would what the crones do to me be from what you lovely ladies are doing?" asked Harry.
"Well, for starters, you chose to come here silly. For another, I'll thank you very much not to compare me to Umbitch and Molly Weasley, Mr. Potter. I would think you'd be able to tell the difference between my girls and the toad and the cow!" huffed an annoyed Susan.
Harry shivered for a much less pleasant reason, and tried to burn that image out of his mind.
"Sorry Sue, you know I would never confuse you with those monsters. But between them, the Dursleys and the headbastard's treatment; I've had enough of being a prisoner and the mushroom treatment." grumbled Harry.
"Awww, I'm sorry Harry. I think we scared little Harry, don't worry, I'll make it up to him." cooed Susan, and she went back to lustily sucking on Harry's manhood.
Harry knew there was something going on, and he decided he would get it out of Susan with a little positive reinforcement. He kept one hand busy with a nipple, while he started running his other through her hair.
Susan always had a thing for him playing with her hair, and Harry was taking full advantage of it. He was starting to pinch her nipple harder, as she bobbed and jiggled along. It seemed the faster rhythm he pinched, the more excited Susan got. Now that he had her distracted...
"Alright Sue, what exactly is Hermione's plan? I thought the SPPEW thing was just a misprint, but it's all over the place, even on the banners. Once is a misprint, this many means something. While I'm at it, what the bloody hell is that scoreboard thing? It reminds me of something the twins and I saw in a casino we stayed at when we went to that aduhhh...industry convention in Las Vegas we went to back in January." questioned Harry. He was now pinching and tugging on Susan's engorged nipple, and had gathered her hair into a ponytail, and was gently pulling her hair in synchronization.
Susan's eyes got large, and she quickly began attempting to deep throat Harry. She was lustily slurping on his dick, and if she kept it up his crotch was going to spontaneously combust with the amount of friction she was generating with her breasts.
"MMMppph slurp Thhrry Hrry! slobber cnt tlk, knobgobble mah mths fll slurpslurp rht nw!" mumbled Susan, as she kicked her fellatio into overdrive.
Harry's eyes narrowed, he knew she was up to something, but his lower half, and most of his brain were telling him to shut the hell up and enjoy himself. "Dammit Sue, I know that she's up to something so why don't you just be a good girl and tell me what the hell is going on?" He looked down into her eyes, and she closed them and began swirling her tongue around the head of his cock. Dammit, if those girls weren't sharing secrets! They knew his weaknesses!
"Sus, Sue...suuuu...suuuu...su...Suuuweet baby Jeebus! I'm getting close Sue!" warned Harry, as all gentlemen should.
Susan reacted by pressing her breasts down the shaft, and nestling his balls into their soft, warm embrace. She began furiously stroking him, and Harry was worried she was going to suck his brains out of his head at the rate she was going. Not to mention the wings on his back were virtually invisible they were buzzing so fast, and he was feeling light headed.
"Oh gods! Here it comes Suzy!" groaned Harry. With a grunt, he felt his orgasm come on.
Susan's lips pulled off with a wet POP! and she aimed the spurts all over her heaving chest. She groaned as she rubbed her thighs together, enjoying the feel of her lover's seed splashing all the tops of her slick breasts. She leaned back and rubbed the fluid into her chest, laughing as she told Harry, "Ah, my favorite moisturizing cream!" She trailed a fingertip through and popped it into her mouth sucking it clean. "Mmmm, that's the bee's knees! That witch will win the Morganna Medal for this!" She wrapped a hand around Harry's cock and proceeded to give it a thorough tongue bath cleansing. She felt a tingling in her chest and she gave a sudden squeak.
"Oh Sweet Maeve! I'm coming!" squealed Susan. She shook her head and looked at Harry in wide eyed wonder. "I just...Unbelievable! So much easier...goodness!" grinned a heavy lidded Susan.
Harry blinked, waiting for all of his senses to come back on line and active. Realizing that Susan was standing he looked down and realized he had been floating the whole time, and she must be talking about the fact she didn't have to get on her knees. As he slowly floated down to the ground as the wings stopped frenetically buzzing, he remembered what he had been trying to ask! "Sue, come on now, help your old partner out, tell me what's going on with this..." asked Harry.
Susan was ignoring him poking at her breasts in wide eyed wonder, and hefting them as if surprised by them.
"Sue! Sue! Harry to Suzy! Are you there? You OK?" asked a now concerned Harry.
"My back doesn't hurt! Harry, my back doesn't hurt, and the girls feel like when I was 13 again! I gotta go Harry! I need to talk to Hermione! Thanks! Bye!" squealed Susan, as she ran out the door calling for Hermione.
"Hmmph! This is getting to be a disturbing trend. I'm going to get a bad reputation if this keeps up. What with all of the witches running out of the room, squealing and crying and whatnot!" grumbled Harry. He sighed, and headed out the door, stumbling as the wings shrunk back into the costume, throwing his balance off. The yellow stripes slowly shrank as they black grew, until he was once more dressed in a normal set of black dress robes. Thankfully, the jazzy buzzing song seemed to fade away as well.
As he left the room, he noticed almost all of the witches were clustered around Hermione and Susan, with the occasional witches head poking up and staring at Harry with a disturbingly hungry look. What the hell were they all up to over there? He shrugged, as a witch grabbed his arm and started dragging him off towards...
Just a few notes: I am going for some humor in this particular chapter, and to avoid the whole UberSexGod thing. I am also trying to lay some more hints about SPPEW and the scoreboard without giving everything away. Did it come across to similar to the scene with Marietta? Too graphic or repetitive?
I highly recommend visiting the yahoo groups listed on my profile and taking a gander at the Lightning Man bits. Some of the funniest stuff I have read, and definitely one of the reasons for my delay in posting! :)
Also, any suggestions about better "Brit" versions of body parts and phrases? In particular, I am using Bloody hell waaaaay too much!
I have a 1/3 of the next chapter in the can, and will be throwing up the rest of my stuff from ficwad, now that I think I have the formatting thing at least better. :)