Rey had already been awake for several hours and so far, all she'd accomplished was cleaning her apartment like a maniac and wearing down her carpet with all of her pacing. Thanks to Kylo's nightmares, she'd woken up way too early and been too restless to go back to sleep. Tonight was her date and she was finding herself unexpectedly nervous.
It was mostly just that she hadn't been out with Kylo, anywhere other than the cafe. Maybe this thing between them was going well because they were in a private bubble of their own. The real world always had a way of ruining things.
It wasn't just that she was anxious about the date though; what Finn had said about Kylo kept bouncing around in her head.
She had told him that his past was none of her business and she meant it. There were so many things that she hadn't told Kylo, things she hadn't even told Finn. She wanted to trust the Kylo she knew and had come to care about. But, could she really be okay with not knowing, constantly wondering what had happened? She'd been disappointed by people so many times in her life, had learned early on that you couldn't trust appearances. It was usually the families that welcomed her with warm and open arms, who made her think she could belong there, that hurt her the most in the end.
Rey paused, glancing at where her laptop sat on the table, search window open. She'd started typing Kylo's real name twice, only to stop and berate herself for being a horrible person. She couldn't give him a speech about trusting him and not needing to know his past then turn around and snoop.
She paced more, trying to work it out in her head. He had attacked someone, that was the thing that was really getting to her. Not even that it had been someone, but that it had been a "defenseless old man" according to Finn. Her mind was flying all over the place, jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Finn had said he was the governor, maybe he was trying to sabotage Leia's campaign or something. Maybe he was secretly a dirty politician and Kylo found out.
Those were things from the movies, stuff like that didn't happen in real life. But, she knew it would drive her crazy, that she'd keep wondering about it and imagining crazy scenarios.
Rey bit her lip. She would give herself ten minutes to search online and if she hadn't found anything by then, that was that.
Hurrying over to her laptop, she sat down and typed in "Ben Solo", holding her breath as the page loaded.
Immediately, articles popped up about where he had been the last few years and the scandal at the political dinner. A huge part of Rey didn't want to look at it. She'd been lucky enough to not have her personal life smeared all over the paper, a luxury she had never thought about before now.
She ended up clicking on an article from several years earlier.
Scanning quickly, it confirmed what Finn had told her. Apparently, according to several eyewitness accounts, Kylo, or Ben, had gone over to speak with Governor Snoke and they had a conversation for a few minutes. Kylo had gotten increasingly agitated looking before unexpectedly jumping him, punching him repeatedly. One witness said, "he was like a wild animal, totally savage".
Rey swallowed heavily and kept reading.
Apparently, it had taken several people to pull him off of the governor and he had to be forcefully removed from the venue.
Senator Organa-Solo had spoken with the news, saying her son was recovering from personal issues and though the attack had been unprovoked, they were thankful Governor Snoke wouldn't be pressing charges.
The writer pointed out that Governor Snoke had been a long time friend and supporter of Senator Organa-Solo, making the attack that much more intriguing.
Scrolling down farther, there was a picture of Kylo with his arm around his mother and another man who must have been his father. They looked stiff and formal, dressed in fancy clothing and fake smiles. Kylo looking beyond uncomfortable and almost sickly, with dark circles under his eyes, expression lifeless.
The next picture was of Governor Snoke. Rey chewed her lip as she studied the picture. She recognized him, having probably seen him on the TV before. He certainly was older, bald and wrinkled around eyes and mouth. But he stood straight, confidence oozing off of him. He was probably used to putting on a strong image in the media.
Still, what had possessed Kylo to attack him like that? Something more had been going on here.
According to the article, Ben Solo had disappeared after that. A popular theory seemed to be that he had been institutionalized for a mental break. But his mother refused to comment, saying the family needed their privacy. She obviously hadn't made it public knowledge that he'd ran away or that she was searching for him.
Rey scrolled back up to the picture of the family, studying Kylo intently. He looked like he'd been through hell and back, pale and thin, unhealthy looking. And his eyes were dark and shadowed.
Closing her laptop firmly, Rey leaned back in her chair, letting out a breath. She'd seen enough and now she felt grimy. Looking had only given her more questions. But could she risk asking Kylo for the truth? More importantly, could she fully give into her feelings for him if she was constantly waiting for his past to come up and shove them apart?
Huffing, she pulled out her phone and called Finn. He answered on the second ring.
"Rey?" he asked, sounding tentatively hopeful.
"Hey, do you have a minute?" she asked him, biting her thumb nervously.
"Always for you."
She couldn't help but smile. "I wanted to apologize for kicking you out the other day. I know you were just trying to look out for me and I was a bit of a bitch."
Finn sighed, the sound loud through the phone. "I should be apologizing, I shouldn't have confronted Kylo like that. I wasn't expecting him to be at your apartment so I freaked a bit."
"Finn... we're seeing each other. Kylo and I." Rey held her breath.
There was a brief pause. "I suppose I should have guessed."
"Listen, I know you aren't happy about it but I like him. He's a good guy, despite what you might have seen. You know I'm a good judge of people so please, trust me."
Finn hesitated again. "I do trust you, you know that. I just also know you have a soft spot for broken things and can get caught up in wanting to help."
And there was the problem. Was Kylo clouding her judgment because she was caught up in wanting to help him? And wanting to be with him.
"I know I do," Rey admitted softly. "And I do want to help Kylo, but it's more than that. He just..." She didn't know how to explain the connection she felt to him, the way he really saw her, on the inside.
"You don't have to explain, not to me."
Rey appreciated that because she wasn't sure if she would have been able to. A few seconds of silence went by while she debated how to bring up the next matter.
"Is there another reason you called me?" Finn finally asked, knowing her too well.
"I was actually hoping you could help me with something. I need advice but it's about Kylo..."
"Go ahead," Finn said, sounding defeated. They both knew he wouldn't say no.
Rey quickly explained her situation with Kylo, how she had told him his past didn't matter but she had looked into it and now had more questions. She told Finn she trusted him but knew her mind would conjure up the worst and she didn't want that eating away at her. Though she didn't voice her own fears and insecurities about this situation, she knew she didn't have to. Finn understood better than anyone.
"So what do you think I should do?" she finished, rubbing her forehead. "Do I ask him and make myself look awful or do I just try to wait and see if he'll tell me in his own time?"
Her phone was silent for a minute while Finn thought it out.
"You gotta understand, I don't know the guy at all. You know I always think honesty is the right choice, especially with something like this. And you know you're not going to be able to relax until you get what you need from him to put your own insecurities to rest. There's no shame in needing that."
"I know," Rey groaned.
"I know you know. Which probably means you called me because you wanted me to tell you talking to him is the right decision." He didn't sound judgemental, just slightly amused.
"I hate you for knowing me so well sometimes," Rey huffed, knowing he was right. She needed to talk to Kylo, no matter what she told him. It wasn't a matter of trust, it was a matter of her not wanting it to get in the way of their potential relationship. She didn't want to let the past get in the way of their future.
Finn chuckled, the sound warm even through the phone. "You love me. Good luck on your date, call me if you need anything."
"Okay, dad," she teased, then hung up.
Well shit. Deciding she was going to talk with him didn't make her feel any less conflicted. How was she supposed to bring it up? It's not like she could just go, "Oh hey, Kylo... so about your past that I said doesn't matter, yeah, I'm gonna have to retract that earlier statement. Mind telling me why you beat up the governor?"
Ugh, now was not the time to be figuring this out. She had a date later and the last thing she wanted to do was ruin their first time out together.
Rey could feel the anxiety building in her. She didn't want to fret about the situation, knowing she would figure it out when the time came, but it was hard when she liked Kylo so much. Finn had really helped her realize that not everyone who loved her left her, that she wasn't garbage to be abandoned. But that gross anxious feeling always ate away at her when she started to care for someone. Like it was only a matter of time before something went wrong and they left her. Except for this time, she knew exactly what it was that could make Kylo go.
She ran through some of her deep breathing exercises, trying to envision a positive outcome, like her old therapist had taught her. That and reminding herself of all the things she had to offer the person she was afraid would leave.
We will go on this date and have a great time, she told herself. I'll make him laugh at my bad jokes and I'll look pretty enough that he'll notice and give me another charmingly awkward compliment. We'll come back and have a night of amazing sex and afterward, he'll tell me all about his past so I won't even have to ask. And if he doesn't, I'll ask myself because I'm honest and strong and he knows that and likes me anyway.
Giggling a little self consciously, Rey shook her head but felt better. It was hard to not feel a little silly but laughing at herself always dissipated a bit of the anxiety.
Standing and stretching, she glanced at the clock. Kylo had told her to be ready around four so she still had several hours before she needed to even think about getting ready.
She had plenty of time for an absurdly long, hot shower then.
...
Kylo knocked on her door a few minutes before four but Rey had been ready for an hour. She had no idea what they were doing so she dressed casually with a little flair; dark skinny jeans, a cream lace top, floral print flats, hair loose with a few flower pins. From the approving look he gave her when she opened the door, she figured she'd chosen right.
"Hey," she said, sounding a little breathless despite having just been pacing around her kitchen.
Kylo gave her his small smile that had just a tinge of nervousness in it. He looked great as always, black jeans, a black and gray flannel over a charcoal colored shirt. Something about the way his flannel was rolled up to his elbows, showing off his firm forearms, made her mouth go dry.
"So where exactly are we going?" she asked as she locked up her apartment and tucked her keys into her purse, letting him lead her down the stairs.
"Well, I've never really taken anyone on a date before," he said, shooting her a look over his shoulder. "I thought I could just take you to a few of my favorite places in the city. If you're okay with that?" he added in, looking uncertain.
"That's perfect," she reassured him as they headed to the parking lot. She meant it. Nothing could be better than getting a glimpse into his world and him sharing something so private with her.
She followed him over to a glossy black car, snorting.
"Of course your car is black," she teased when he gave her a curious look.
"Surely you didn't expect me to drive something obnoxious looking," he said, getting into the driver's seat, watching as she climbed in.
"Colors outside of black and gray aren't obnoxious, they're cheerful." His car smelled like him, clean and masculine, and she was unsurprised to see it was spotless.
Kylo made a face, pulling out of his space. "We can just agree to disagree on this one."
Rey grinned. "People only say that when they don't have an argument. Which means I win."
A rumbling laugh escaped him. "Sure, whatever you say."
They chatted as he drove them deeper into the city, an area Rey wasn't that familiar with. Since she didn't have a car, she didn't often travel farther than she could comfortably walk. The atmosphere between them was comfortable and she found that she was already having a good time, her nervousness melting away.
Eventually, he turned down a street and parked in front of a few small stores. Rey got out of the car and glanced around curiously. They were on a quiet side street next to a bakery, a bookstore, and a consignment shop.
Kylo headed towards the bookstore, pausing to make sure she was following.
"I suppose I should have guessed, with you being a writer and all," she said with a wink, stepped around him when he held the door open.
The bookstore was so lovely and unexpected that her breath caught when she walked inside. Wide windows let in the warm afternoon light, illuminating cluttered bookshelves that lined the walls from floor to ceiling. It smelled like lavender and ink, a curved stairwell leaned up to a second level.
"You've never really mentioned if you enjoy reading so I wasn't sure if you'd like coming here," Kylo quietly said from behind her.
"I wish I read more, I loved it when I was a kid," she admitted, eyes scanning the shelves. "I don't think I'd know where to start, there's so many."
When he remained silent, she spun around to look at him. "Will you show me your favorite section?"
He looked around, then shook his head. "There's too many to pick just one," he admitted, smiling when she laughed.
"Then show me all."
He did, taking her to all the corners of the store, watching as she picked her way through the shelves, pointing out authors or books he'd enjoyed. She finally got him to admit he wrote science fiction and after she teased him about being a nerd, they went over to that section and he showed her his favorite books. Picking a few that sounded good, she tucked them under an arm, letting him lead her to the next section.
Eventually, they ended up on the second level, and Kylo pulled her over to a faded green loveseat tucked at the end of an aisle.
"This is my favorite place," he told her, sitting down with a content expression. "The owner doesn't mind if you hang out and read so I've spent hours in here before. It's quiet and usually empty."
Rey joined him, their thighs nearly touching. "It's so cozy in here, I understand why you love it. You might have to fight me for this spot from now on."
Kylo didn't look too bothered by the thought.
"So, what do you like about these ones so much?" Rey asked, gesturing to the stack of three books she'd grabbed, ones he'd pointed out as his favorites. The summaries all sounded interesting and though Rey had never been into science fiction much, she was genuinely intrigued.
He grabbed the top book off of the stack, flipping it open. "I'll show you," he murmured, scanning the pages quickly, seeming to know exactly what he was looking for.
Clearing his throat quietly once he found the page, he glanced at her then began to read. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
His voice was quiet but clear, entrancing her. The words rolled smoothly off of his tongue, sounding almost lyrical. She could hear it in his voice that this particular passage had stuck with him, meant something important to him.
"That's beautiful," she murmured once he finished. "Keep going."
His cheeks flushed slightly, pink spots appearing, but flipped to another page.
They sat there together, him reading out loud to her quietly, her eyes closed as she let the words surround her. He read passages from each of the books, flipping immediately to the page he was looking for. He was sharing something special with her and she savored every moment of it.
"I'm getting them all," she declared once he'd finished reading from the final book and she picked them up, holding them protectively against her chest.
He chuckled, brown eyes warm. "Looks like I'm converting you already."
"Well, I did call dibs on the first copy of your book," she replied. "I'd better get familiar with the genre so I can fully enjoy it."
"You'll be an expert before you know it," he promised.
Rey reached over to grab his hand where it rested on his leg. "Thank you for bringing me here," she said sincerely. Leaning over, she pressed a soft kiss against his cheek.
She could feel him holding his breath as she pulled away until their faces were just a few inches apart. His eyes flicked down to her mouth as she licked her lips automatically.
She wasn't sure who leaned in but suddenly they were kissing. His hands came up to cradle her face as he kissed her deeply, thoroughly, like he wanted to memorize the feeling of her mouth against his. His thumb brushed the sensitive spot in the corner of her jaw and hot tingles slid down her spine.
Her books fell off her lap as she leaned in but they bother ignored the sound of them hitting the ground. Rey sucked his full bottom lips between hers and he groaned low in his throat, the sound making her thighs clench.
Desire hit Rey like a tidal wave, washing over every inch of her. Something about Kylo just fucking wrecked her, made her lose all sense.
One of his hands left her face to grip her waist and pull her over to him. She climbed onto his lap, feeling naughty and unbearably aroused. They were in a public bookstore, the sound of their breathing filling the silence. Anyone could walk over and see them but Rey didn't care. It strangely added to the excitement.
She plunged her hands into his soft, dark hair, tilting his head back so she could kiss him harder. They tongues twisted together, slick and hot. Settling firmly in his lap, she rocked against him, feeling his erection pressing against jeans.
"Fuck, Rey," he gasped into her mouth, fingers digging into her flesh through her clothes.
Hearing her name leave his lips, filled with such obvious need... her skin felt like it had burst into flames. She burned so hotly for him. Rocking harder against him, she moaned quietly, wanting him to feel what he did to her. It thrilled her to feel his cock straining against the fabric of his pants, the fact that just a few layers were separating her from riding him.
The loud thump of someone dropping a book downstairs had them jerking apart.
Once Rey realized no one was coming to scold them, she giggled at the dazed yet alarmed expression on Kylo's face.
"That escalated quickly," she whispered, leaning her forehead against his briefly.
"We seem to have that problem a lot," he said wryly.
She laughed again, shaking on top of him. "We're awful," she gasped out. "Worse than teenagers."
Kylo joined in, his laughter soft. "I'm pretty sure you started that one. I take no responsibility."
Rey jokingly punched his arm, climbing off of him on unsteady feet, straightening her clothes while he watched her with hot eyes.
"Stop looking at me like that," she muttered, bending down to pick up her books.
"Like what?" he asked innocently, ignoring the pointed look she gave him.
They lingered for a minute, trying to let the tension between them dissipate before heading back downstairs. Kylo bought her books for her, ignoring her protests, just holding them above his head where she couldn't reach, watching with cool amusement while she tried to jump for them. Scowling, she crossed her arms and gave up, letting him pay.
Next, he took her to a small Thai restaurant a few streets down. The older woman at the counter obviously recognized him, giving him a huge smile and bringing his drink without having to ask. The restaurant was small and intimate, filled with mouthwatering smells. They picked a small table by the window, watching cars drive by as Kylo told her how he'd found this place a few months back and tried to eat here at least once a week. He explained that he'd gone to Thailand when he was a kid and fallen love with the country and the food. He promised that the food here was about as authentic as it got.
Rey let Kylo order several different things, the table filled with plates of delicious looking food once it was all brought out. She tried everything, falling in love with fresh flavors and the spice that nipped at her tongue.
He watched her try everything, offering her bites from the plates closest to him, eyes lighting up every time she groaned delightedly and went in for a second taste.
By the time they were done, Rey swore she couldn't eat another bite. Then, the woman brought out sticky rice with mango and it turned out, she did have room for more.
"On the house," she told Kylo, patting him sweetly on the cheek, completely ignoring his uncomfortable look, giving Rey a warm smile.
"You're going to have to carry me out of here," Rey groaned, leaning back in her chair as he chased the last piece of mango around the plate with his fork.
"No collapsing on me yet, we still have one place left to go."
She let out an exaggerated huff. "I think you're trying to kill me. Death by overly amazing date. Not a horrible way to go, I suppose."
Kylo ducked his head, eyes on the table. "You're having a good time, then?" he asked shyly.
This poor guy. It was literally impossible for him to believe that he was doing anything right. But his lack of self-confidence always ended up being unbearably cute rather than irritating. Seeing such uncertainty and vulnerability on a man so intimidating looking was just... she didn't have words to describe it.
"I'm having a great time," she assured him. The smile he gave her lit up the restaurant.
They paid the bill and left. Rey was so full and content, her cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling.
Kylo took them to a small park that she hadn't even known had existed, the setting sun turning the sky a beautiful soft orange with streaks of pink. The park had a cobblestone path lined with benches that wrapped around a small pond and she could hear quacking ducks. Several people sat on benches or wandered around the area but it was mostly empty.
Rey found herself looking at Kylo curiously. He always seemed so dark and brooding, but the places he'd taken her to today, his favorite places, had all been surprisingly light and lovely. They all had a soft sort of magic to them, exuding serenity and warmth.
They held hands and walked around the pond, Rey nearly exploding with excitement when Kylo pulled a baggie of breadcrumbs out of his pocket for her to throw to the ducks. He watched her, his brown eyes a soft velvet color, chuckling when she asked him for the tenth time if he saw the ducks eating the crumbs she threw.
Once the baggie was empty, they went back to walking around, enjoying the last warmth of the sun. Rey had been having a wonderful time but the thoughts of Kylo's past kept nagging her in the back of her mind., This was exactly what she hadn't wanted, for it to taint their time together. She knew she should just ask, just get it off of her chest and out into the air. But was now a good time, while they were on a date?
There will always be an excuse not to bring it up, she told herself firmly. Better to just be honest.
They were on the far end of the pond, the ducks swimming around lazily, a cool breeze rustling the leaves of the trees.
"Kylo, I wanted to talk to you about something," Rey finally said, forcing down the nervousness that made her throat tighten. "I was hoping we could talk about what happened on the night Finn mentioned."
She felt him physically stiffen, hand tightening around hers briefly. "What do you mean?" he asked cautiously.
"It's just- I was hoping you'd explain to me what happened between you and Governor Snoke. Why you attacked him." Her chest felt tight and she was too nervous to look at him.
"How did you know it was him?" Kylo asked lowly, pulling his hand away. Rey felt the loss of his warmth immediately. "Did you go and talk to Finn about me more? Ask him for details or something?"
"No, no, it's not like that. I wasn't talking about you behind your back," Rey explained quickly. "I just looked you up quickly and-"
She knew instantly she'd made a mistake when he flinched away. "You looked me up? Why would you do that? You told me my past was my business, that it didn't matter!"
"It is your business and I meant that!" Rey could feel desperation rising in her chest, the need to make him understand that she just had to know his attack had been justified, that she was right about thinking he wasn't dangerous. All she needed was to hear him say it. "I just wanted to- I needed to-"
The look on his face was pure betrayal. They were stopped in the middle of the path, his hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders hunched in. She could only imagine the look on her face. This had been such a mistake, she shouldn't have brought it up now.
"You just what, Rey? You wanted to see if I was a monster like Finn said?"
"I know you aren't!" she cried.
His lips pressed together in a hard white line. "You said you knew me, that you trusted me. Was that a lie or did something change?"
"I do trust you, Kylo. And I meant what I said. But now that we are... together, I have to know that I'm not being stupid. Do you understand? I know that I can't always trust my own judgment. I need you to help me, just give me some information so I can put the pieces together."
The look he gave her was so cold that she felt her insides ice over. "So what, it's fine if I'm a monster while we're friends but you have higher standards for the men you let into your bed? Is that it?"
Tears of frustration gathered in the corners of her eyes. "You know that's not it."
"Then what? You want me to say that Snoke deserved it? That what I did was actually something noble?" Kylo stepped close to her so he towered over her and she had to lean her head back to look him in the eyes. "You want me to make you feel better about who I am? Fine. Yes, he deserved it, he deserved every hit and every ounce of pain that I gave him. But don't think it was for some noble cause, it was all for me."
Hearing him say it didn't change a thing. She had known, had known from the second she saw the picture of him, so clearly damaged when he was younger. It was the face of someone who was close to snapping, to just giving in and letting the darkness destroy them.
"Do you feel better now?" he asked darkly.
"Kylo-" she started then stopped, trying to find the words. "I didn't want to make you share anything you weren't ready to-"
His face was impassive, a perfectly constructed mask. "That's exactly what you wanted. You didn't even give me a chance to tell you myself. It looks like you couldn't trust me in that either."
Rey wanted to argue but he was right. She had gone on about trust and then thrown it back in his face. She let her own insecurities, her need to be reassured, her fear of being disappointed yet again, get to her and she took it out on him. Instead of trusting her heart, she'd second-guessed and made this all about her.
An apology rose in her throat but Kylo just shook his head and sighed, looking like his heart had been crushed.
"Let's just go," he muttered, walking back towards the car.
He didn't look back once to make sure she was following.
Longest chapter yet, woo! Sorry this one took so long, I've been insanely busy lately and struggling to find time to write. I hope I did a good job of explaining Rey's inner conflict here, sometimes it's hard for me to put stuff like that into words even if it makes perfect sense in my head. They are both such sad little beans, I wanna hug them. And I wanted this chapter to kind of show that even though Kylo's struggle and past is a big part of this story, Rey has her own issues to live with. Neither of them is perfect and they both need healing. Anyways, thanks guys!