Rey felt wrecked at work the next day, going through the motions of her job like a zombie. She had messed up so badly and she wasn't sure how to fix it.
Kylo had driven them back to the apartment last night in silence, hardly even acknowledging her existence. She'd tried to think of a way to explain, to apologize to him, but before she knew it, they were back at their apartment building. She followed him out of the car, cringing when he slammed his door a little harder than necessary. He'd stiffly held the door to the stairs open for her, not looking at her the whole time.
On their landing, she'd tried to say something, only managing to get his name out before he swept by her, going into his apartment and closing the door behind him without a word.
The hurt on his face had hit her like a physical blow when he passed her.
In bed, she'd tossed and turned all night, listening to Kylo do the same on the other side of the wall. The space separating them felt large than ever.
And now at work, the usual time he showed up at had come and gone and there was still no sign of him. She wasn't sure if she had really expected him to show up in the first place but his absence still sent a spike of pain through her chest.
Her face must have given away exactly how she was feeling because Poe hadn't bothered to ask how their date had gone, just gave her a warm hug and a kiss on top of her head. He must have said something to Finn over the phone because she'd already gotten three texts from him saying he was here if she wanted to talk and that he loved her. She hadn't responded to any yet.
A little after six, Poe came wandering out of his office, looking apprehensive as he approached her at the front counter.
"What?" she asked tiredly, just wanting to go home and crawl into bed. Or go march up to Kylo's door, knock it down and beg for his forgiveness. Or punch him for not letting her explain. Her emotions were currently bouncing all over the place.
"I just got a call from Kylo," he said, and Rey's heart leaped for a second then deflated as he continued. "He wanted to make sure I could give you a ride home tonight since he wouldn't be here to walk you."
"Oh." Rey looked away, picking at the counter. Of course, he had to still be a good guy, his concern for her safety obviously outweighing his desire to pretend she didn't exist anymore. It just made her feel worse.
"You wanna talk about it?"
She shook her head, feeling a subtle sting in the back of her eyes. She wasn't the type to cry and mope around and she wasn't going to start just because Kylo fucking Ren was currently stomping all over her heart. Though to be fair, she had stomped his first. Unintentionally, but still stomped all the same.
Poe sighed, looking conflicted. "Listen girl, it's none of my business what's going on between you two but based on the all things I've seen when you're around each other, it seems-"
He cut off suddenly as the bell above the door tinkled, a baffled expression on his face. "Is that Kylo's mom?"
Rey spun around quickly, bumping her hip on the counter painfully. Sure enough, Leia stood by the door, a medium sized box tucked under her arm. Rather than a pantsuit, she was dressed in dark slacks and a sweater, her expression as serene as usual.
"Did Kylo send his mom to talk to you?" Poe asked incredulously. "What is this, middle school?"
Rey shook her head. Could this day get any worse? "No, he definitely didn't. This is just a horrible, evil coincidence."
Leia went and sat down at a table near the front window, setting the box down and giving Rey a pointed look. She obviously expected her to come over.
"I've got to go deal with this," she muttered to Poe, heading around the counter.
Leia straightened at Rey approached, hands flat on either side of the box. It was faded navy blue and a little battered looking, one corner of the lid dented.
"Hello Rey, dear," she said, polite as always. "Would you sit with me for a minute? I won't take up much of your time."
She sat down warily, eyeing the box.
"How is my son doing?" Leia asked softly.
"He's fine," Rey responded, wondering if that was all she had come for. "But I told you, if you want information on him, I won't disrespect his wishes." She'd already fucked up, the last thing she needed was to make things worse by talking to Leia behind his back.
"No, I understand, I just had to ask. I'm here because I was hoping you could do me a favor." she pushed the box across the table to Rey's side. "Would you give this to Kylo for me?"
She always said his name awkwardly, like it felt weird in her mouth. Now Rey knew why.
"Why? What's in it?" She gave the box a suspicious look.
Leia laughed dryly. "You can open it if you're so worried. Just some things that I want Kylo to have. He might not want to see me now but it brings me comfort to think he'll have them when I'm gone."
Rey glanced up at the older woman sharply. Was she sick? Something about the way she said it implied that she might be gone sooner rather than later. But Leia looked healthy enough and the way she met Rey's gaze was anything but weak. She was probably just overthinking it.
She turned back to the box, prying the lid off gently.
Inside lay stacks of photographs and letters, a child's drawings and craft projects, the scent of glue and something sweet wafting out.
Rey's breath caught in her suddenly tight throat as she picked up a stack of photos, flipping through them. Young Kylo blowing bubbles, smiling hugely with missing teeth, dressed in a ridiculous Christmas sweater. Leia, youthful and glowing, her arms around her son. Kylo's father and him flying a toy helicopter in a backyard.
Underneath the photos was something soft. A knit blanket in faded blues and browns. She grabbed the edge, pulling it free to see what was embroidered on the side.
My Ben.
"I don't understand," Rey said, voice thick. She could feel tears pushing against her eyes though she didn't know why. No, that was a lie. This was a box that represented all of Leia's love for her son. Love that Rey had never known and Kylo had left behind.
"I couldn't give him everything, couldn't bear to part with it all." Leia reached out and touched the blanket softly, her fingers trembling slightly. "But I need him to know I still love him, even if he never speaks to me again. He needs to know."
"What happened to him?" Rey whispered. "What happened to Ben?"
Leia didn't look surprised that Rey knew. "I don't know," she said sadly. "He was always a quiet child, he didn't have many friends. But as the years went by, he became more withdrawn and his light dimmed. I know Han and I weren't the best parents, always busy and fighting with each other when our son needed us. I just didn't see it until it was too late."
She gestured to the stack of letters in the box. "I used to write to him after he disappeared. Telling him how sorry I was and how much I wanted him back. It didn't change anything but he might want to read them someday."
"You honestly have no idea why he left?" Rey asked.
Leia shook her head, twisting a ring on her finger. "No. There was a party, this political thing-"
"I know about that," Rey interrupted. "The governor, he didn't say anything about why Kylo attacked him?"
"No, he had no idea. Said that he and Kylo had a small disagreement about work but that was all. He's always been a close family friend, he would have told me if he knew something." Leia spoke confidently. Her faith in Governor Snoke contradicted why Kylo said about him deserving every hit. Something wasn't lining up. "Kylo was gone the next day," she continued. "He left a note saying he couldn't stay and didn't want anyone to look for him."
Leia suddenly looked at Rey, her eyes searching. "Did my son tell you why he left?"
"No, I know less than you do." That wasn't necessarily true but Rey wasn't about to tell her that her son had obviously been traumatized by something that had happened, something he believed his mother might have been able to stop.
The fact that it looked like it probably involved this Governor Snoke didn't bode well. Rey's mind could take that in several directions, each possibility worse than the previous.
Leia nodded, the quick flare of hope dying in her eyes. "Will you give him this for me? Please, it's important to me that he has it. I would give it to him myself but..." she trailed off.
Rey agreed before she could stop herself, putting the lid back on the box. "I'll make sure he gets it."
Standing up, she smoothed the front of her perfectly pressed sweater. She was back to looking proper and a little stiff, except for the gleam of tears in her eyes. Obviously trying to hold herself together, she cleared her throat.
"Thank you, dear. I'll let you get back to work." She nodded at her, gave the box one last look, then left the cafe.
Rey got up slowly, holding the box gently. She felt stunned and confused, her thoughts swirling around at a crazy pace.
Every time she spoke to Leia, it felt like someone was reaching into her chest and was squeezing her heart. She never tried to hide her love for Kylo or her longing to see him again, but she tried so hard to respect his wishes even though she didn't know why he left her. Rey knew how to felt to abandoned by family, the constant ache of wondering why they threw you away and never came back.
Though she cared about Kylo, she couldn't help but sympathize with Leia. A small part of her sparked with anger that he was putting his mother through this, something she was too familiar with.
Rey rubbed her head wearily. Too many thoughts and emotions for one day. She felt overwhelmed and adrift with no bearings, no idea which direction was the right one.
But she knew she had to go try and see Kylo tonight.
...
After work, Rey stood outside Kylo's door, the blue box tucked under one arm. She had no idea what she was doing or what she was going to say, hours of trying to plan this out at work amounting to nothing. She was probably the last person he wanted to see right now, but she needed to give him this box and apologize for last night. There were things that needed to be said between them.
Taking a deep breath, she knocked firmly on his door. He didn't answer but she knew he was home, she'd seen his car in the parking lot when Poe dropped her off.
Knocking harder, she leaned it. "Kylo, I know you're in there. Please open the door. It's important. Please."
The click of his lock sounded after a few seconds, the door opening slowly.
"What?" he asked emotionlessly, staring down at her. His hair was a mess and he looked like he hadn't slept well. But she'd already known that. She suspected that she looked similarly ragged.
"Can I please come in for a minute? It's important, I swear."
His eyes fell on the box tucked under her arm and she could see the tiniest hint of curiosity. Wordlessly, he stepped aside to let her in, definitely not looking happy about it.
She'd only been inside his apartment a few times. It was always spotless, dark furniture and sharp, clean lines. It always weirded her out a little that the layout was a reflection of her apartment.
She stood in the walkway awkwardly as he closed up the door then gestured for her to follow him over to his little kitchen table. Instead of sitting, he just stood behind the farthest chair, crossing his arms. The tension between them wasn't the usual, it felt sour and negative.
Setting the box down on the table, Ret figured she might as well just jump right in before Kylo kicked her out.
"Your mother came to see me today. She asked me to give this to you."
His left eye twitched but he didn't say anything. After a moment of hesitation, he stepped forward and took the lid off, tossing it on the table.
Rey held her breath as his whole body froze.
He reached out to touch the top photograph, barely brushing it before he snatched his hand back as if he was burned.
"Why did she give this to you?" he asked roughly, eyes boring into hers.
"She wanted you to have it," Rey replied. "For when she's gone."
Kylo flinched back like she'd struck him, a lock of his dark hair falling across his forehead. "What is that supposed to mean?" he demanded, taking a step towards her.
"I don't know, that's just what she said. I'm sorry, I didn't want to pry."
Rey could see that he was grinding his teeth from where she was standing.
"Is that all? She just wanted you to give this to me? You two didn't try to dig details about me out of each other?" He said it like he wanted to sound snide but it just came across as tired.
She glanced away from his unflinching gaze. "I guess I deserve that." She took a deep breath before continuing, deciding to be honest and share her conflicted feelings. "I wanted to apologize for last night. I shouldn't have looked into your past, I betrayed your trust, even after you shared so much with me."
He left out a frustrated breath. "If you had given me the chance, the time to figure everything out, I could have told you. But you decided you'd rather go behind my back."
"I know, and I'm sorry," Rey said sincerely, hoping he could hear how much she meant it. "I'm not trying to offer up excuses or make this about me but I don't think you know how difficult this is for me. Having faith in people is something I had to give up a long time ago. It's hard for me to not look for the worst in anyone who shows interest in me, to just hold my breath until they do something to hurt me."
Kylo's face didn't give anything away. She didn't even know if he had heard what she said.
"Why are you so determined to be angry with me?" she questioned, feeling frustration start to boil up in her. "I get that I hurt you but I didn't find out anything about your past and you admitted you were planning on telling me anyways... I don't understand why we can't move past this."
"You went snooping into something that was none of your business!" he retorted hotly. Looks like she struck a nerve. Obviously, she wasn't the only one with trust issues. But at least she owned up to them. He was scared and hiding behind anger because it was easier.
"You know what, it actually kind of is my business," she growled, fisting her hands at her sides. "The minute you decided you wanted to be in a relationship with me, you made it my business. Sure, I can try to be the good person and pretend otherwise but we both know that isn't how it works. Not when I care about you and have to listen to your nightmares every night, laying in the dark and hearing to you suffer. Not when I want to be with you in every way I can be, no matter how difficult it might be. And you knew that when you told me I was worth trying for."
Kylo let out a harsh laugh. "Glad to see you've finally decided to be honest. The whole lying to each other and pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows part is over, I guess."
Rey thought her head might explode. He was trying to rile her up, she could tell. He cared, he just didn't want to admit it.
"You want honesty? Fine, I'll be honest," she growled. "You're being selfish. You're asking me to set aside my own fears and insecurities and just trust you when you won't do the same. You act like you're the only one who's been hurt, like you couldn't care less about my own struggles."
He opened his mouth, brows furrowed angrily, but she cut him off with an aggressive swipe of her arm.
"And on top of that, I have to sit and listen to your mother tell me how much she misses you, how you left her with no explanation. The love in her eyes, I've never seen that in my life. You won't help me understand so all I see is you walking away from a relationship I could only dream of, the one thing that I would have killed for when I was a child. You're tossing away your mother just like my parents threw me away. Like worthless trash."
Rey felt tears in her eyes but she kept her chin up, stubbornly clenching her jaw.
"Part of me wants to hate you for that," she admitted. "But I don't because even if you won't tell me why, I know you have a good reason. You wouldn't hurt her like this if you didn't have to. I know that."
Kylo didn't try to interrupt when she paused this time, just watched her with dark eyes. All of the anger and fight drained out of Rey suddenly, leaving her almost light-headed.
"All I want is to understand and help you," she said softly, tiredly. "I want to be with you without this pushing us apart or hanging over our heads. What I want doesn't really matter though. You have to decide if you want to trust me and let me in, and we can figure this out together."
"It isn't that simple," Kylo muttered.
Rey took a step back, towards the door. "I can be, if you want it to. The choice is yours. I'm done arguing and trying to convince you. If you want me, I'll be waiting."
Walking out of the kitchen, she paused in the doorway.
"If you keep pushing away everyone who cares about you, you're going to be alone for the rest of your life," she said gently. "A lifetime is a long time to punish yourself."
She left him standing there in his kitchen. He didn't follow or call after her.
Rey's hands were shaking so badly, she could hardly get her door unlocked and open. She made it three steps into the walkway before she crumpled to the ground, sobs ripping their way from her chest.
It wasn't that she was sad or even angry. She was just so tired of everything, of the pain and the hurt and the uncertainty. Of wanting to help but feeling helpless. Of wanting love and intimacy but her own past making it so fucking hard. There was no escaping scars that ran this deep, they'd already left a permanent mark.
She cried at the thought that Kylo might be doing the same, sobbing over his baby blanket and the child he once was. Of his own inner demons preventing him from opening up, from healing. Of the suffering he had endured and would continue to.
Rey cried until she had no more tears, until her chest felt hollow. Leaning against the hallway wall, she told herself she didn't regret her honesty. Kylo might have needed to hear those things and now, having laid herself bare to him, the decision was up to him.
...
She didn't hear from Kylo the whole next day. It was hard to not fall into an endless pit of negative thoughts but Rey tried her best. She told herself that he would make the right choice, that he had reached out to her in the first place so a part of him wanted help. Part of him must believe he deserved to be happy or things between them would never have gotten this far.
Poe gave her another ride home, not saying anything but looking concerned. She loved him so much for realizing she just needed some quiet and time to think. Once this drama with Kylo died down, she needed to do something for Poe to show how much she appreciated him.
In her apartment, she took a steaming hot shower, scrubbing herself clean and letting the blissful heat soak into her bones. Emerging, clean and smelling of grapefruit, she dried her hair, letting the loud drone of the dryer drown out her thoughts.
Throwing on shorts and an oversized tee shirt, Rey padded into the kitchen, planning on digging out some ice cream and definitely not drowning her sorrows in sugar. Not at all.
But the sight of the ice cream tub made her stomach churn. She had no appetite. Her body felt wired and anxious and all she wanted to do was run over to Kylo's apartment and force him to talk to her.
She understood that he needed time but not knowing what was going on in his head was killing her. Wanting Kylo had become like a constant ache, something she had never felt for another person. It scared and excited her. And the thought that this thing between them could end after she just got a small taste of being with him... she couldn't imagine how she'd deal with that.
Rey finally settled on the couch and turned on the TV, trying to take her mind off of him. It didn't work.
Around midnight, she finally gave up and headed to bed despite the fact that she knew she was too worked up to sleep. Laying in her bed for hours sounded better than spending one more minute in front of the TV though.
She was just walking into her bedroom when someone knocked on her door.
Her heart fucking stopped.
Without hesitation, she ran to the door, fumbling on the locks, and flung it open so hard it almost hit the opposite wall.
"Rey," Kylo said hoarsely. "I know it's late but I- can I come in?"
The way he was looking at her was so open and raw. Rey felt hope fluttering in the middle of her chest, like a small bird frantically flapping its wings against her heart. That wasn't a look you gave someone you were about to break things off with.
"Of course," she said unsteadily, opening the door wider and stepping aside. "Come in."
I know this chapter didn't have a whole lot going on in it but it was necessary. I actually love writing conversations between these characters, I usually end up having to cut them down because they're so long haha. I was thinking when I finished this story, which still has a ways to go, I might like to do bonus chapters or a connected story with some key scenes in Kylo's POV. I'm glad that I chose to only have Rey's POV in this story because it works but I would also love to do some scenes just to show Kylo's thoughts and feelings. What do you guys think? Yay or nay?