AN: Warning: This chapter contains talks and actions of the sensitive topic of abortion. Please read with caution or skip this chapter if necessary.
Ana
I open my eyes to the sound of a baby crying. The first thing I notice when I wake up is Christian sitting right next to me on a mattress, holding a crying baby.
I sit straight up as Christian whips his head over to me. He stares at me in a blind panic.
"Baby, he won't stop crying," he panics.
"What?" I frown. Why does he have a baby in his arms? What is going on?
"He's hungry. Baby, I don't know what we are going to do. We don't have any money to feed him," he cries.
My eyes widen, and I shoot up to my feet and look over to see a tiny infant wrapped up in a ratty blue blanket. He is crying hysterically. His little face is bright red, and he is squirming in his arms.
He tries to rock him back and forth, but this causes the baby to cry harder. Tiny tears are running down his face as he tries to shove his little fist into his mouth.
"What is going on? Whose baby is that?" I demand.
He looks over at me with a mixture of surprise and hurt.
"What are you talking about? Ana, this is our baby and he is hungry," he shouts.
My hands fly to my hair, and I shake my head back and forth.
Our baby? What?
I look around us in a panic and see that we are in an abandoned house. It looks like we are in a living room. The room is a disaster. The walls have dirty pink wallpaper that is hanging off of it as well as the ceiling. The black concrete floor is scattered with various pieces of torn sofa cushion materials, and the purple couch is sitting by a wall. I look and see that we are sitting on a dirty mattress that is placed in front of the grimy window.
"Where the hell are we?"
"Ana, what the hell are you talking about? We don't have time for this! We need to get him some food. He won't stop crying!" he shouts again.
"That is not my baby! I don't know what is going on!" I shout back.
He shoves the baby into my arms, and I look at him dumbfounded.
"Stay here. I need to find him some food. Your milk dried up two days ago," he says.
He stomps away, and I panic once again.
"You can't just leave me here! Christian wait!" I yell.
He slams the front door shut and the baby's cries become louder.
Tears are streaming down my face as I try to rock him back and forth.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I cry.
I look around the abandoned room and see the reality of our situation.
I failed our baby. I failed as a mother. I can't even take care of my own child. I can't even afford to feed my baby.
I weep as I cradle my baby to my chest. I sit down on the dirty mattress and lean my head back as I cry and continue to listen to the devastating cries of my starving infant son.
"Ana! Ana wake up!"
My eyes fly open and see Christian leaning over me with a concerned look on his face.
"Baby it's okay. You were dreaming," he coos.
He runs his hand through my hair as I throw my arm over my eyes and try to calm down. My throat is sore from apparently screaming in my sleep. My clothes are drenched in sweat, and my hair is sticking to my face.
Tears are running down my face as I lay there and remember the dream that felt so real.
Christian continues to run his hand soothingly through my hair. He softly hums into my ear.
It has been three weeks since we had unprotected sex. Three weeks of trying not to worry. We have been coming to the shelter ever since. I promised Mrs. Shana that we would take care of ourselves, and we have been trying to keep that promise.
My lips quiver when I think about our situation. My period was due yesterday.
It never came.
I am usually regular, and I am never late. I always start my period on day 28. This month is different.
I now firmly believe that my horrible dream will become reality.
It was a relief that I started to have light spotting and cramping a few days ago, but that didn't last. The next day…nothing.
Mrs. Shana went ahead and bought some pregnancy tests for me to take when I was ready. I have been spending more time with her these last few weeks. I told her my fears about becoming a mother. She never judges me or looks at me with pity; she just lets me vent and most of all she listens.
Mia has been a godsend as well. She has two kids and is also without a home, so she knows how difficult it is to have a family in our situation. We have stayed up most nights just talking about anything and everything. I even help watch her kids when she and Ethan want some alone time.
Ethan has also been helpful. In the beginning, it was awkward to be around him. He kept staring at me with a light blush on his face. He kept looking at me like he remembered me from somewhere. Christian had enough of his behavior a week ago, and he no-so-nicely demanded what his problem was.
I still awkwardly chuckle when I think about why he was acting the way he was acting.
It was all because he saw Christian and I having raunchy sex in an alleyway about six months ago.
Christian and I were almost naked one Friday night. I had my shirt opened and my bare breast hanging out of my bra, and Christian was roughly thrusting in and out of me from behind. My back was to his front as he was leaning on a brick wall. I guess Ethan was coming out of a convenient store due to him buying some diapers for one of his kids, and he walked passed the alleyway. He said he saw us quite clearly since it wasn't that dark out yet. He froze on the spot because he heard our loud moans.
That is why he was always staring at me funny. He was embarrassed because he knew that was me getting thoroughly fucked in an alleyway. It still embarrasses me when we see each other, but it's slowly getting to the point where we can both look at each other without blushing.
"Baby, it's going to be alright," he whispers.
I take my arm away from my face and stare into his gray eyes.
"We're going to have a baby Christian," I murmur sadly.
"We don't know for sure baby," he shakes his head.
"I know. I feel it, Christian," I murmur.
He sighs and nods weakly.
"Let's go find out, and get it over with," he suggests.
I nod and get up off my cot. Some people are standing around chatting with each other, and some are getting ready for breakfast. Kids running around the various cots. Laughing without a care in the world.
We walk hand in hand to the restrooms. I take a deep breath and follow him inside of the family bathroom. Christian locks the door, and I stare at him in fear.
"Here," he murmurs.
He hands me the test. I place it on the counter and undo my pants. I sit on the toilet and unwrap the pregnancy test. I go to the bathroom and put the blue cap back onto the test and finish up.
Christian is sitting on the counter with his head in his hands. I flush the toilet and get up to wash my hands. He jumps off the counter and lets me use the sink.
"How long?" I ask while I dry my hands.
"Three minutes," he murmurs.
I nod and sit on the closed toilet seat. He sits back on the far wall and leans his head back and closes his eyes. We sit there in silence for well over three minutes.
"Okay," I blurt out.
He nods and sits up straight. I stand up shakily and head towards the test.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Christian comes to stand behind me and wraps his arms around me tightly. He sets his chin on my shoulder.
"Ready?" he says cautiously.
"Yes," I whisper.
I open my eyes slowly and look down and see my worst fears come alive. My hand flies to my mouth, and I gasp loudly.
Two bright red lines appear on the test display.
I sob into my hands as Christian pulls me into his chest and rocks me back and forth.
"Shhhh," he murmurs into my ear soothingly.
I shake my head against his chest and continue to cry.
We're pregnant.
"What are we going to do?" I whimper.
"I don't know baby. I don't know," he whispers.
We both sink to the floor, and we hold each other tightly.
We're pregnant. We're having a baby while we don't even have a place to call home.
This is supposed to be a happy time for couples isn't it? They are expected to have a job, a place to live. They are meant to have stability in their life. They are expected to get married and then start a family.
Having a baby is a happy time in a couple's life. To bring a healthy, happy baby into the world. To love and to nurture them, to take care of them, and to make sure that nothing bad happens to them.
We as a loving couple are not able to fulfill those needs for another human being, and that is what scares the shit out of me.
There is too much uncertainty. Too much that can go wrong with having a child while being homeless. I don't want to bring a child into this world while we are living like this.
I don't want my kid to suffer like me, and Christian has experienced all our lives. I want to do the right thing. I want to give the life that my child deserves, but right now; we cannot provide them with that.
I stop crying as the reality hits me full force.
I know what I need to do. I look up at Christian and stare at him blankly. I know we can read each other very well. We both see the pain in each other's eyes. We both understand what we need to do.
The right decision for us.
"Anastasia Steele?"
The receptionist calls my name. I stand up, and Christian holds my hand tightly into his as we both follow the receptionist to the back of the clinic.
"Would you mind laying on the table here and remove your jeans and panties," she smiles.
I nod and do what she says. She rolls the ultrasound machine towards us and starts to set it up. Christian sits down beside me and continues to hold my hand. He leans down and kisses my head softly. I give him a weak smile.
"This will be a little warm and uncomfortable, but it won't hurt," she says reassuringly.
She gets the probe ready and tells me to open my legs. She inserts the probe gently, making me wince.
"Okay, let's see," she says.
We both look at the grainy screen. She stops moving the probe, and points to a tiny blimp on the screen.
"Well, this is your baby. I would say you are only four weeks pregnant. Very early, so the procedure won't be a problem," she tightly smiles at me.
"Okay," I choke back a sob.
"I'll let the doctor know, and he will be right with you honey," she says sympathetically.
I nod, and she cleans everything up and leaves the room. I sit up and pull down my shirt and put my jeans on. We sit in silence; we both do not know what to say. The doctor comes into the room after he softly knocks.
"Hello, Miss Steele. I'm Doctor Hammond," he introduces himself.
We both shake his hand, and he sits in front of us with a clipboard and a pen in front of him.
"So, it looks like we did confirm a pregnancy by an internal ultrasound. You are approximately four weeks and one-day gestation. You are requesting an aspiration abortion today is that correct?" he reads from the clipboard.
He looks at me sympathetically.
I nod weakly and Christian squeezes my hand. I squeeze back.
"Okay. Now, before we perform the procedure, I have some questions I want to ask…they are sensitive in nature, so if you ever feel uncomfortable then let me know. Okay?" he says softly.
I nod. He asks me all sorts of questions.
When was the last time you had intercourse?
Do you know who the father is?
Do you know when conception happened?
Did you ever feel pressured?
How many sexual partners have you had in the past?
Christian tenses at some of them. I squirm at some of them myself.
When the doctor is done asking questions, he tells me to lay on the bed once again so we can start the procedure.
I do as he says and another nurse comes into the room. She smiles at me warmly, and I try to reciprocate.
I can't. I'm about to kill my baby. I can't smile right now. I whimper as they tell me to take my jeans back off and open my legs. They get everything ready and set up.
Christian holds my hand so tight into his that I feel like he is going to break it off, but I welcome the pain. I deserve the pain for doing this to my child. A lone tear slips out of the corner of my eye when they tell me that they are ready to begin.
"Are you ready Miss Steele?" the doctor asks.
"Yes," I whimper. My lips quiver, and I stare up at the white ceiling.
"It's okay baby," he whispers into my ear.
I nod, and tears start to roll down my cheeks.
"Okay, now you are going to feel a little bit of pressure, so just try to stay still. If you start to feel uncomfortable then let me know," he murmurs.
"Okay," I choke.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I lay there trying to think of something else. I try to keep my mind occupied with other things, but it's not working.
Nothing is working. I can feel them start to push things inside of me, causing me to panic.
It's then I start to think about my dream. I reflect on our baby. I start imagining what he or she would look like. I see my son having Christian's copper hair and gray eyes. I see my daughter having my powder blue eyes and brown hair. An exact replica of ourselves.
I start to imagine my child happy and laughing in a meadow where nothing can hurt them. I see the inside of our future and see our perfect child smiling lovingly at us. I see my child. Our child.
A child with Christian.
They start to say that they are going to start, but before I can stop myself, I yell out.
"I can't."
AN: Thank you for all of the kind words and the feedback of this story so far.
I know the topic of abortion is a sensitive one. I do not have any experience on this sensitive topic so please excuse any mistakes.
I am pro-choice and I do agree that a women has the right over her own body. I know this chapter was probably hard to read, it was hard to write, but I wanted to write some realistic topics that so many women or young girls go through all around the world. It's not easy, and I hope you all continue to read their journey and whatever is to come for our favorite couple.
Please, no rude or inappropriate comments, and if I see any guest reviews that are like this, I will simply delete them. If this offends you, do not read it. Simply leave, and read something else.
Thank you again for sticking with me. I appreciate all of you reading the story and reviewing. XOX