Tucker hasn't woken up yet, but Derek doesn't expect him to yet. It was a tough surgery, and it'll probably be another little while before he's awake, and certainly not before Bailey gives birth.
Unsure of what to do and tired of sitting and waiting for Tucker to wake up, Derek wanders the halls. He's not the only one; lots of people wander, lost, wondering if this is it, if today is their last day. He spies Izzie and Alex disappearing into an on-call room together, but instead of making a bitter mental note of the latest coupling at Seattle grace, he remembers al the times that it was him and Meredith sneaking off in on-call rooms. His head is full of Meredith today. He thought walking would clear his head, that maybe moving around the hospital would give him something else to think about, people to talk to, but nothing there's nothing to distract him. He can't stop thinking about her. Now that this could be their last day, all these memories are beginning to resurface, like the way Izzie and George thought it was weird that he ate muesli very morning, or the time he kissed her for ten minutes in the stairwell after a particularly successful surgery. Even the small things, like how it felt to hold her hand, small and soft, or the smell of her hair, that fragrant, almost floral scent that he couldn't name. Remembering makes him miss her, and the missing is like a physical ache, like a piece of him has been ripped out.
The beeping of his pager is a welcome distraction, and jolts him back to the here and now. He's to report to the conference room. The Chief's finally decided to brief everyone on what the hell is going on, and maybe dole out some assignments, something to keep them busy. Derek fleetingly wonders if Meredith will be there, before remembering she's upstairs with Cristina, waiting to help Burke.
The conference room is packed. Derek has never realized how many people actually work in the surgical wing. And this isn't even everyone. None of the nurse's are here, with the exception of Debbie—who mans the nurse's station, and is considered the head nurse—and there are many more who work here nurses than there are surgeons. Residents, interns, attendings, and anaesthesiologists alike are all packed into the room. Derek spies Alex and Izzie huddled in one corner, looking ruffled, like they were just interrupted in the middle of something; both of them are searching the room, and he knows that they are furtively searching for their fellow interns. There are many familiar faces missing: Meredith, Burke, Cristina, George, Bailey. He hears his name being called softly; Addison is standing in the corner immediately to his left, probably so that she can sneak out if need be; he moves to stand beside her.
"How's Bailey?"
Addison grimaces. "I'm running out of ideas, Derek. O'Malley is with her now. How's Tucker?"
"Fine. He should be awake in a few hours." There's a brief silence as the both consider what the other has said. "I'm glad Richard's letting us know what's going on," Derek says finally.
"Mmm. Me too." Addison isn't paying attention to him. She must be thinking of Bailey, or maybe something else; her eyes are roaming the room, as if looking for someone.
A hush falls over the assembled surgeons as Richard Webber stands up. Derek doesn't like the grim look on his face; it means there isn't any good news, or that Richard has nothing to tell them. He begins to explain what has happened, but Derek isn't listening; he already got the story from Meredith. What he wants is an update.
There's a silence as Richard finishes speaking. Everyone needs a moment to let it all sink in. Who builds anti-aircraft rifles in their backyard? And who would be stupid enough to stand in front of one after it misfired?
"How's the girl with the bomb?" Derek asks, voicing the question that he's sure quite a few people are thinking.
"I don't know." The frustration in Richard's voice indicates that he hates not knowing as much as Derek, maybe even more; he is the Chief after all; this is his hospital. "I haven't been able to reach Dr Burke, but as soon as I do—"
Suddenly, the door flies open, dislodging several disgruntled residents, and Cristina comes tumbling in. Her face is too calm, she is too quiet, even as Izzie and Alex are shouting questions and everyone is beginning to talk at once, so Derek knows something has happened.
"How's the girl with the bomb?" Derek's question rings out above the others'.
The whole room falls silent. Everyone, Chief included, waits eagerly for her answer, but Cristina remains silent. It's like she hasn't heard.
"Dr Yang?" the Chief prods.
"Meredith." The word hangs in the silence.
The pit drops out of Derek's stomach.
"What?" Richard doesn't understand what Derek refuses to believe. Beside him, Addison tenses.
"The girl with the bomb is Meredith."
MOMENTS EARLIER….
Cristina bursts into the X-Ray room, where Burke and Young are examining the films. They both freeze, mid-sentence, and stare at her, Burke mildly surprised, Young angry.
"You need to come right away," she gasps, before either of them can say anything. "Hannah's panicking and she wants to pull her hand out, and we can't get her to calm down."
"You—I thought I told you to stay out of there!" Young splutters, furious. "You went in there all on your own, and now she's panicking."
"If we hadn't gone in there she would have pulled her hand out a long time ago," Cristina snaps, hardly able to believe that he would have the gall to blame it on them. "Dr Milton left," she explains, turning to Burke. "She was ventilating all by herself, and her hand was shaking. We were just walking by and we saw her."
"Milton left?" Burke says, disbelieving.
Cristina nods. "Meredith's still with her, but…" She doesn't want to finish the sentence. She can feel Burke watching her, his worried stare burns itself like a brand into her shoulder, but that doesn't matter. She doesn't want him to worry about her, she wants him to calm Hannah down and help Meredith. She wants him to save her person, because, as much as she loves Burke, if Meredith dies, she's not sure if she can love him. She's not sure if she can love anyone.
They've barely made it halfway down the hall when the door to OR 3 flies open. At first, Cristina thinks it's Meredith, come to see what's taking so long, and she's about to apologize, when she realizes that the woman has dark hair. Short, much shorter than Meredith's and it's in a ponytail. She's running the other way, towards the stairs. The pit drops out of Cristina's stomach. She feels sick.
This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
She's sprinting down the hall, Burke and Young on her heels. She's almost there, when she realizes, dimly, that everything is still intact, nothing has exploded. She can't understand why, until she bursts into the OR and sees Mr Carlson on the table. And freezes.
Meredith's hand is in Mr Carlson's chest.
"The girl with the bomb is Meredith."
Cristina's words echo in Derek's ears. He refuses to believe it; she must be mistaken. Meredith promised. She said she would be fine. But looking at Cristina's face, he knows it's true.
"What happened?" Izzie whispers, horrified.
Most of the others have left now; they all filed out after hearing the news about Meredith. Only Derek, Izzie, Addison, Alex, and the Chief are left.
"The paramedic panicked. We tried calming her down, but it wasn't working, so Meredith told me to go get Burke and the bomb squad, so I did and as I was coming back, the paramedic ran out of OR 3 and ran off, and we went in the OR and Meredith had her hand in Mr Carlson's chest." Cristina's voice is flat, toneless. She looks at Derek the whole time, like she's only telling the story to him, even though he's barely heard a word of what she's just said.
"Where's the paramedic?" As usual, Richard is taking charge, asking all the right questions.
"I-I don't know, sir."
"Well find out. Stevens, Karev, go and find out what's happened to her." Alex gets up and leaves silently; Izzie, somewhat reluctantly, follows.
How could this have happened? What kind of cosmic joke is this that when he finally decides to tell her how he feels, to sign those damn divorce papers, she's probably going to die?
Suddenly, Derek's disbelief disappears and is replaced by fury. How could she be so selfish? How could she have so little regard for life? How could she do this to Cristina? To him?
"Why?"
"Derek." Addison lays a cautionary hand on his arm, but it's too late. The words are coming out now; he feels nothing but anger.
"What in God's name would possess her to do something so stupid?"
"She was doing what's best for the patient. She's saving our lives." Cristina's flat tone is gone, she's become defensive; Derek can't believe it; she's taking Meredith's side, even now.
"She's committing suicide," Derek snaps. "She's not thinking about anybody other than herself. It's not her job to get herself killed, and she knows it."
"Derek," Addison says gently, "I'm sure she wasn't thinking about it. People act without thinking in times like these. Instinct—"
"Instinct doesn't tell you to stick your hand in a cavity containing a highly volatile explosive, Addison! That's not instinct, that's suicide!" Derek can't believe they are all backing her up on this.
"People have to make tough choices!" Cristina cries. "It's part of our job. Meredith knows the risks. She didn't think it was fair for someone as young as Hannah to waste her life trying to save someone who's no longer her patient. It was her choice, Shepherd. I don't get it, but I respect it. She's saving a life. She saved our lives."
"But what about her life?" Derek protests. "She's barely lived either! She's still got a whole life ahead of her!"
There's a moment of silence as his words sink in.
"Derek," Richard warns. He's being reminded that he is Meredith's boss; that he is married and that his wife is standing right beside him; that these sorts of relationships are unprofessional and not allowed, but he doesn't care. The love of his life has just become the girl with the bomb. That's all that matters.
"She wanted me to tell you—" Cristina takes a deep breath. Her voice is shaking; the only sign of how hard this really is on her. "She wanted me to tell you that if—if she—She wants you to be happy. She wants you to stay with Dr Montgomery-Shepherd and be happy." Before anyone can say anything else, she leaves.
There's a long, shocked silence. Richard and Addison are both watching Derek. After a long moment, Addison says softly, "I've got to go check on Miranda," and leaves. After another moment, Richard leaves as well. He holds the door open for Derek, but he can't move. All of the anger has disappeared as the reality hits him. Meredith is up there touching a bomb, a bomb that could explode at any second. It feels like someone has punched him in the gut. He can't breathe. He hears the door close behind Richard, but the noise sounds like it's coming from far away. He's sure he's being watched from the outside, but he doesn't care. He just sinks to the floor and lets the world come crashing down around him.
Meredith can't believe it. She's touching a bomb, a real piece of live ammunition. She can feel it under her fingers; the hard, round contours feel cool underneath her gloved fingertips. She can feel Mr Carlson's heart, too, beating under her fingers.
Everything happened so quickly. One minute she was trying to console Hannah, and the next…well, it seemed to happen in slow motion, like she knew what was going to happen before anything actually did. The next thing she knew, Hannah was pulling her hand out and Meredith was thinking…well, she didn't think. She wasn't even aware that it was happening. She just looked down, and all of a sudden, there's her hand in Mr Carlson's chest. And even though she may have given Cristina all that crap about Hannah being too young to die, the truth was Meredith Grey is too young to die too, and she knows it. Most of what she told Cristina was technically true, but it was more to try and convince Cristina and Derek—oh God. Derek. What was he going to say?—that she wasn't crazy or suicidal or anything. It was all stuff she'd thought of after the fact, when she was trying to rationalize what she had done.
The OR is quiet now. Cristina is still downstairs, taking to the Chief, and Burke and Young are outside discussing their options, probably trying not to scare Meredith, even though she doesn't frighten that easy. Neither of them was particularly pleased with what happened; Young did a lot of yelling about how stupid she was, most of which she ignored. Burke hadn't said much of anything, but he didn't need to: she knows that he thinks what she did was impulsive and rash; they all do. They don't get it; she doesn't even get it herself.
The silence is worse than the chaos, because in the silence there is no crisis, no screaming and shouting, which are where Meredith is in her element. In the silence, it's just her and her thoughts, and her thoughts are a scary place. She can deal with a major bleed, or a code, hell she can even deal with a bomb in a body cavity; they aren't scary, but her thoughts are a terrifying place, because it's there that the truth is exposed. She can't hide from her thoughts or lie to them the way she does to everyone else. Her thoughts are full of doubt and panic and denial and regret and Derek. Derek occupies most of her thoughts, and —strangely enough—her mother, a constant reminder of how she is a failure. Her mother wouldn't be surprised to see her here, stupid and failing. Ellis Grey never would have stuck her hand in a body cavity containing live ammunition. Hell, there would have been no one sticking their hands in a body cavity or panicking in Ellis Grey's OR either.
And what about Derek? Would he have done the same thing? No. He would have been able to calm Hannah down. He never would have left her alone with Milton in the first place. He would be responsible and persuasive and soothing. His McDreamy charm would be enough to calm anyone, especially someone like Hannah. If she thought Alex was hot, she'd be done for if she saw McDreamy. Derek would never even have to consider putting his hand in Mr Carlson's chest. Things like this don't happen to people like him.
She wonders how he's taking this. Cristina's probably told them by now. What is he thinking? Is he panicking? Is he in despair? Is he in shock? Is he angry? She meant to keep her promise. Well, she meant to try. She had known she wouldn't be able to keep it, not with the stupid feeling that keeps haunting her all day—a feeling that's probably going to end up becoming reality—but she intended to try. Derek doesn't understand why she did this; he'll probably be mad at her for being so stupid.
And what about the others? How are Izzie and Alex and George dealing with all this? Are they worried? Are they mad? What if they—
The OR door opens suddenly and Meredith starts, and her hand twitches. There's a moment of "Oh God this is it" but nothing happens. She's hoping that it might be Burke and Young, here to tell her that this they're going to fix Mr Carlson, but it's not: it's Cristina, looking appropriately grim. Meredith desperately wants to know what's happened, but at the same time, she doesn't want to ask. She's supposed to be over Derek, not desperately wanting to know how he's taken all of this. So to try and maintain that façade of being all emotionally detached and over Derek, she says nothing while Cristina assumes her position ventilating again. And remains silent while Cristina continues to ventilate.
"I told them," Cristina finally says. Her voice has taken on a very brusque almost aggressive quality. She sounds much more like her normal self; anyone listening to this conversation would think she wasn't affected by what had happened at all, but Meredith knows differently. She finds the tone infuriating, because it gives her no inkling as to how the news was received.
"And?" She can't stand the waiting.
"They took it pretty well actually. Everyone was shocked, but there were no tears or anything."
Well that's good. Nothing big has happened, just Meredith Grey, the tragic intern that had her heart broken by the married attending. Everyone can go about their business.
She wants to ask about Derek specifically, but she refuses to give Cristina the satisfaction of saying I told you so. She is over Derek. She really is. Well, she's really trying.
"Derek was angry."
"What?" Angry? Why was he angry? He wasn't the one stupid enough to put his hand in some guy's chest when he knew full well that there was an explosive device in there. He wasn't the one who was going to die.
"Yeah." Cristina seemed puzzled by it too. "He was really angry. Angrier than I've ever seen him."
Suddenly, Meredith feels a burst of frustration. He's angry with himself. Of course he is, because that's what Derek Shepherd does best. He blames himself for everything that isn't his fault and comes after you with those sad puppy dog eyes and all those apologies for things he has no control over. It makes her want to hit him, because those eyes, that face, makes her want to give in to him and say that everything is alright, and yet, at the same time, she wants to yell at him because none of this is his fault. Did he make her stick her hand in Mr Carlson's chest? No. That was all her. If it anyone's fault, it's her own for not thinking before acting.
"What were you thinking?"
The question hangs in the air. Meredith doesn't know what to say. She's tried to explain this to Cristina. She thought that Cristina understood.
"It's just that Derek seems to think that you've gone all suicidal and that that's why you put your hand in there." She nods at Mr Carlson's chest. "I stood up for you, said that that wasn't your intention at all, but I just wanted to make sure that I didn't do all that for nothing." There's an accusation in her eyes: you're my person; you better not be doing this just because you're life sucks.
"I'm not suicidal." Derek thinks I'm suicidal? Is he angry at me because he thinks I'm trying to kill myself, or because he thinks that it's his fault I'm trying to kill myself?
"I didn't think so. God, he's so full of it!" Cristina begins to ventilate with vehemence. "He thinks just because he picked his wife over you that you've now gone all suicidal."
Meredith doesn't say anything. Derek and Cristina hate each other passionately. This is nothing new. And the fact that Derek received this news from Cristina probably didn't help matters.
"What about the others?"
"Alex didn't say much. Izzie didn't believe it at first."
"And George?"
"He doesn't now. He was with Bailey." Right. In the midst of all the chaos, Meredith has completely forgotten about Bailey. "How's she doing?"
Cristina shrugs. "I don't know. That wasn't really the focus of the conversation."
"Right." Of course. No one's going to be thinking about Bailey when they've all just found out that Meredith is the bomb girl.
The door swings open, revealing Burke and Young. Their expressions are serious, which is no surprise given everyone's current situation. The interruption is a welcome one because neither Meredith nor Cristina knows what to say to each other anymore. They are normally so close, but in this moment, Meredith has never felt so far away.
"How are you doing, Meredith?" Burke asks. He seems to be telling her that it's okay to be sacred because of what has happened, but Meredith isn't afraid of dying or of touching a bomb. The initial disbelief and panic have worn off, leaving her strangely calm and almost empty. Let the others do the worrying for her.
"I'm fine. Really," she adds when Burke raises his eyebrows.
"So here's the plan," Young cuts in, obviously fed up with all the time being wasted. His voice is calm and authoritative, but at the same time, there's that gentleness, like he's talking to a frightened animal. "Dr Burke is going to make the incision bigger so that you can pull the ammunition out. Remember, it's highly volatile, so go slowly. Try to keep it level. Don't move your hand. Once it's out, I'll take the ammunition and put it away. Then you and Dr Burke can operate."
"Once the incision is made, you'll have to move relatively quickly or else he'll bleed out," Burke adds.
Meredith nods. "Okay. So pull it out slowly, but keep it level and don't move my hand, and not too slowly, otherwise he'll bleed out. Got it." She can do this. It sounds so simple when you say it out loud. It's like when they tell a patient what's going to happen: they make it sound like the plan is flawless, like they've done it a million times, even though they all know full well that every surgery is different. This time, though, everyone knows that these are uncharted waters here. None of them have ever delay with anything like this before. Any number of things could go wrong.
"We need to get a hold of the blueprints before we can do anything," Young continues. "We don't want to inadvertently blow up the hospital."
There's a long pause that follows, as the gravity of the situation sinks in yet again. Meredith knows there's nothing she can do anymore, which makes her want to scream; she hates just sitting here and doing nothing. She wishes Burke and Young would just take this damn thing out so she can help Burke operate and this can all be over. She needs to get out of here so that she can stop feeling helpless and so that she can explain to Derek what happened.
Cristina, who clears her throat slightly as if to remind everyone that she is here, breaks the silence. Everyone looks at her. The expression on Young's face reminds Meredith of the one she and Cristina often don when anyone walks in on them planning something; it's clear that in Young's eyes, Cristina is not included in this procedure.
"You have a question Dr Yang?" Burke asks calmly.
"Uh, yes, sir, I was just wondering if Dr Grey was going to be assisting us with the procedure on Mr Carlson?" Cristina's face is completely innocent, which makes Meredith think that she has noticed the expression on Young's face as well.
Young coughs, expressing his obvious displeasure at Cristina's assumption of inclusion. Burke surveys him calmly. It's obvious that Young expects Burke to deal with Cristina, and Meredith is sure Burke is aware of this as well.
"You'll have to wait outside," he finally says, seeing as Burke says nothing.
"What?" Cristina swivels to face him, outraged.
"You can help Dr Burke with his surgery, but you'll have to wait outside until then. We can't have the extra people in the room." There is no room for argument; Young's tone makes that clear.
Cristina looks pleadingly at Burke, and Meredith does too, expecting him to say something to Young but he says nothing. Frustrated, she turns to Meredith. "I'll be fine. Go." As much as she loves the company, the risk is too great; she won't take Cristina with her.
"Actually, we're going to need another X-Ray. Dr Grey's hand may be in a different spot than Hannah's was. I'll need Dr Yang to set that up for us."
Young frowns, but Meredith knows he won't disagree with Dr Burke. "Fine." Without another word, he strides out of the room as Burke quietly switches places with Cristina. Meredith is glad that he does; she doesn't want to have to breath for Mr Carlson too.
No sooner is he gone, does Cristina begin to berate him while she sets up the X-Ray.
"He has no right to make me leave. I'm a surgeon." She begins to pace back and forth like a caged tiger; Meredith isn't sure if Cristina is addressing her and Burke or if she's just talking to herself. "I'm a surgeon!
"There won't be time for me to help if I wait outside. Burke's going to need all the help he can get and he'll need it right away." She pauses, before rounding on Meredith. "I thought you'd stick up for me."
"We don't both of us need to be killed, Cristina," Meredith replies practically.
"We're not going to—He can't expect me to be useful if I'm waiting by the elevators!" She changes the subject, realizing that she's obviously not going to get anywhere with Meredith. "As if Burke's going to have time to page me once they've gotten that thing out."
Meredith can't help but smile. Cristina is going on, and on, pacing again, completely oblivious to the fact that Burke is standing right there, watching her. She is tempted to say something, but at the same time, she is really enjoying watching Cristina make a fool of herself.
"Cristina." Burke's voice, calm and steady, silences Cristina. Both she and Meredith watch him, waiting for the verdict. Cristina moves closer to him so that they are standing side-by-side.
"I can't do this with you in here." His voice is so quiet that Meredith can barely hear it, and she gets the impression that she's not meant to. "I can't—you need to go. You can help after; Dr Grey will page you, just–just wait."
Cristina doesn't say anything at first but her expression softens. "You know in those stories, how there's the hero and then there's the guy that runs away? I want you to be that guy." She glances at Meredith furtively. "I'll be waiting."
She almost makes it all the way out the door, but pauses in the doorway. "Burke…" They look at each other without saying anything, and Meredith can read the fear and longing in their eyes. She wishes she still had that. She wishes that Derek were here, that they could have that back again.
The door to the OR swings shut, ending their moment and jerking them all out of their wishful thinking and unspoken feelings. Meredith doesn't know what to say. She and Burke have never really been close. He's more Derek's friend.
Are they even friends?
She knows that Mark was his best friend before he moved to Seattle—but they don't talk to each other after what happened with Addison—but other than that, there really isn't anyone that he's friends with, except maybe the Chief and Burke. She and Burke may be in the same boat here, but there's no way she's going to talk to him about her and Derek. Especially not when Derek is married to Addison. She'll just have to keep it to herself. Besides, it doesn't matter what she thinks, or even what Burke thinks. Derek chose Addison. She begged and pleaded in a juvenile and highly embarrassing way, and he picked Addison. There is no her and Derek. She needs to accept that.
She's on her own.