A/N: I don't normally pair songs and chapters, because I listen to a variety of music when I am writing these, but this song stuck in my mind. It's the one they used in the show during this moment, but I think it works perfectly. It's also the name of the chapter: Breathe by Anna Nalick
Two a.m. and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him; winter just wasn't my season;"
Yeah we walk through the door so accusing their eyes,
Like they have any right at all to criticize;
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.
'Cause you can't jump the track,
We're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe; just breathe.
Oh breathe; just breathe.
"You're doing what?"
Richard's voice is thunderous, so much so that the whole waiting room falls silent. Derek can feel the stares; the eyes burn into him, but he doesn't care. They don't understand; they aren't the ones who have been waiting down here all day, only to find out that the love of their lives is condemning herself to die, because, if they were, they wouldn't just be standing here either. They would be trying to do something too.
"I'm going up there, Richard," Derek snaps, ignoring the looks he's getting from everyone. Let them think he's crazy. Their opinions are not going to change his mind in the slightest.
"No you're not, Derek. I already have one world-class surgeon up there, I don't need another one."
A small part of Derek's brain suggests that maybe he should calm down, discuss this reasonably, because the last thing he wants is for Richard to have another panic attack, but his anger squashes that voice of reason. Meredith is up there, refusing to save herself, and all Richard can think about is the fact that he could be putting a second attending in harm's way? The whole point of being a surgeon is to save lives, which is what Derek's trying to do. Can't Richard see that if Meredith doesn't take her hand out, the patient will die too? Burke can't operate if the bomb is still there.
Is this all Richard cares about? The money he will lose if two world-class surgeons die instead of one? He doesn't care that the life of one of his most promising interns is on the line as well? "Meredith is choosing suicide!" Derek bellows, unable to contain his anger any longer. "You think I'm going to just stand here and let her die up there?"
"Derek, the bomb squad has it all under control," the Chief replies patiently. "Going up there at this point—"
"There's nothing the bomb squad can do! She's not going to listen to them; her mind's already made up! She's going to let herself die, and she's going to kill an innocent patient too!" Maybe if Derek plays the potential-lawsuit-if-the-patient-dies card, Richard will let him go up there.
"And you think you can change that?" Richard, obviously, is not picking up on the lawsuit hint. "Meredith is going through a difficult time, Derek. This is a very scary situation. It's natural for her to panic. And the bomb squad knows how to deal with this kind of thing. You'll only be in the way."
"Meredith doesn't panic!" Derek can't believe that he is having this conversation. Does Richard really know so little about the woman whose mother he had an affair with for years, the woman who could easily have become his daughter? He of all people should know that, after everything that has happened to her, Meredith isn't the type to freeze in a crisis. It's the emotional situations that make her freeze. "She's exceptionally calm in situations like these!"
"Dr Shepherd," Izzie begins hesitantly, "maybe Chief Webber is right. Mer is only human."
"She isn't doing this because she's afraid of dying!" Derek cries.
"You don't know that Shepherd. You don't know anything," Karev hisses.
"Don't tell me I don't know anything," Derek retorts, barely suppressing the urge to go at Karev again. The bruises are just beginning to show on his face, and Derek s more than happy to add to his collection.
Izzie, sensing the rising tension, grabs Karev's elbow. "Don't even think about it," she whispers, as Karev tenses to spring.
"Karev, get out of here," the Chief snaps. More trouble is the last thing he needs. Alex gives the Chief a dark look, but goes, muttering under his breath.
"Now, Derek." the Chief turns back to him. "You need to be reasonable. Meredith—"
"Is killing herself because of me!"
Everyone is silenced by this outburst. The Chief is shocked; he, like everyone else, thought that Derek and Addison were the perfect happy couple. He thought they had all their problems worked out. Izzie is wide-eyed, but not as surprised as Richard; she figured this out a while ago. Richard opens and closes his mouth, trying to think of something to say, but now that Derek has started, he can't stop. "Meredith isn't afraid of dying. She's giving up because she thinks that I don't care anymore. She thinks that I don't love her because I chose Addison, even though she begged me not to. She doesn't want to live in a world where she has to watch Addison and I pretend to be all happy and in love every day, so she's trying to save everyone else by giving up."
"Derek—" Richard interjects, but this time it's Izzie who interrupts him.
"It's possible, Chief," she says quietly. "Meredith is still hopelessly in love with him. Haven't you seen her moping around the hospital for the last few months? She's positively miserable."
"Meredith's not suicidal," the Chief protests stubbornly.
"Well, no," Izzie said slowly, "But you have to admit, the opportunity to escape it all has landed right in her lap. It's so easy for her to just let go."
"Which is why I have to go up there!" Derek was glad that someone was taking his side. "If she knows the truth, she won't do this, she won't give up like this!"
Richard shook his head. "I'm not letting you go up there, Derek. It's just too dangerous."
"I'm saving lives, Richard! If Meredith doesn't take her hand out, her patient is going to die!" Derek pleads. "If she pulls the bomb out, he may still die," he continues, seeing the look on Richard's face, "but if we don't do anything, we're condemning everyone up there to death. You don't have to lose Meredith, or Burke, or their patient, but if you do nothing, you'll lose all of them."
Richard sighs. "I don't want to lose anyone, Shepherd, but there's a good chance that they will make it out of this alive. The bomb squad knows what they're doing, and there's no guarantee that you would be able to help anyways. Even if you could convince Meredith to go ahead and pull the bomb out, there's no guarantee that it wouldn't go off while they were taking it out, and then I'd be short three surgeons instead of two. So the answer's still no. You're not going up there."
This is ridiculous. Does the Chief have any idea how much time he is wasting? Doesn't he understand that whether or not Derek goes up there, if Meredith dies, the Chief will lose his head of Neurosurgery? Derek would rather die up there with Meredith than live the rest of his life knowing that he might have saved her. You can't ask for permission, Derek. This is Meredith we're talking about. It doesn't matter what they say or what you have to do, you have to get up there. Before he can do anything, though, the phone at the nurses' station goes off. Everyone tenses automatically, even though the phone call could be nothing. Olivia answers it; she listens for a moment, nods and then says, "He's right here." Covering the receiver with her hand, she turns towards Derek and the Chief. Richard is already moving, expecting the phone to be for him. "I'll take it," he says, sounding relieved to have something else to deal with other than Derek.
"Actually, it's not for you, Chief Webber. Dr Shepherd?"
Derek blinks. The Chief and Izzie both turn and stare at him.
"For me?" Who would be calling the nurses' station and asking for me on a day like today? Who calls the nurses' station and asks for me on a normal day?
Olivia nods. "It's Dr Burke. He says it's urgent."
Oh God. Something's happened.
Expecting the worst, Derek reaches for the phone.
May he turn twenty-one on the base at Fort Bliss,
"Just today," he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him; maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track,
We're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe; just breathe.
Oh breathe; just breathe.
Meredith doesn't want to die. At least, that's what she thought when she first stuck her hand in Mr Carlson's chest. She told herself that she wasn't suicidal, that she didn't want to die, but now, after a whole day of being calm and composed and squashing that little voice in the back of her head that has been freaking about the whole hand-on-the-bomb thing, dying doesn't seem like such a bad idea. If she dies, there's no Derek and Addison to break her heart anew every day; there's no Chief reminding her all the time of the broken childhood that she suffered through because of what he and her mother had done; there's no one expecting anything of her. She can just let go of it all.
If she knew things were going to work out between her and Derek, if she knew that he might actually sign those damn divorce papers that had been sitting in his briefcase for however many months, of course she would be fighting. You know, he could still sign them. He and Addison don't really get along anymore, the tiny voice in the back of her head reminds her. Yeah, but he's had those papers for months now, Meredith tells the tiny voice bitterly. You'd think if he were going to sign them, he would have done it by now.
"We're ready when you are." Burke's voice is calm, but Meredith isn't listening. She is too wrapped up in her own thoughts. Besides, they aren't even talking to her.
Young nods. "We're good. Meredith?"
She looks up, remembering that she is a part of this and not simply observing it from far away. This is it. The big moment has finally arrived. Meredith is going to pull her hand out and pray to God that they don't all die in a fiery wreck. If she can make it that far, she'll be okay. I know it's scary Meredith, she tells herself, but you can do this. No one is going to die today. "Yeah?" she asks, having no idea what it is that Burke and Young have been talking about.
"I'm going to extend the wound." Burke picks up the scalpel, assuming that her 'yeah' is one of assent about what is going to happen and not of confusion about what is going on. "When I cut, the bleeding is going to intensify. If we're going to save Mr Carlson, you need to pull the ammo out immediately."
"But remember," Young interjects. "Remove it while keeping it as level as possible. Nice and easy, no quick movements. Level."
"Right," Meredith whispers faintly, trying hard to dispel the panic rising in her chest. "Level."
"You ready?" Burke asks, sensing her nervousness.
"I, uh—" Meredith isn't sure that Burke should be giving her an option. Right now, she'll probably say no. "Do I have a choice?"
"You have to be ready," Burke replies calmly.
"Yeah, I guess I—" Meredith begins, but Burke interrupts her. "Scalpel." There is no hesitation in his voice. He wants to get it over with. He begins widening the incision, and Meredith wants to yell at him to stop, to wait, that what she meant to say was Yeah, I guess I do have to be ready, but the words are stuck in her throat. "I guess I'm ready," she whispers to herself. The incision is getting wider, exposing more of Mr Carlson's insides. More blood begins to flow out of the wound. They don't have much time.
"All right. I'm good. She can go." Burke sets down the scalpel and moves aside, giving Meredith room to do what she needs to do.
"All right now Meredith." Young's voice is soft, soothing, almost whispery. "Wrap your hand around the nose cone."
Everyone probably thinks I'm suicidal. The thought pops into Meredith's head unwillingly. Derek definitely thinks that she is suicidal; after all, she is the girl who stuck her hand in a body cavity containing a bomb. But she's not. She's not doing this to kill herself. She's doing this for everyone else: for Burke, who doesn't know that Cristina heard him say I love you and that she wants to say it back; for George and Izzie and Alex and Bailey, who don't deserve to be blown up, even though the chances of the whole hospital going boom are highly unlikely; even for Young, because, as much as she doesn't like him, he must have friends and family who care about him. She's doing this because she can't do it anymore. She can't pull her hand out. She may have been crazy enough to stick her hand in, but she's not going to be crazy enough to take everyone with her.
"Meredith." There is a warning in Young's tone. Don't you dare chicken out now.
Burke turns sharply and looks at her. "Grey?"
Meredith can't say anything. All she can think of is Derek and Addison, walking down the halls; chatting at the nurses' station; leaving the hospital together after a long shift. She can't do this. She can't subject herself to another torturous day of watching them be all happy and married together. She can't spend another day witnessing the proof that, despite everything she said to him, he chose Addison.
The panic is rising in her chest now; it's getting harder to breathe. "Meredith." Young's voice is more urgent; he wants her to say something, anything.
She reaches up and pulls the surgical mask from her face, hoping to get some more air. "George and Izzie shouldn't have to move out of the house."
Realization dawns on Young's face. "No. You hear me—" but Meredith isn't listening.
"You should make sure. Make sure that they-they get to stay in the house." It's not fair that George and Izzie should have no place to live just because Meredith isn't there anymore. Sure, Ellis technically owns the house, but she's never going to live there again, so the house is really Meredith's; it's really up to her what happens to the house.
"Grey," Burke says quietly. He's not angry, but he's not pleased either. "His pressure's dropping. Grey!"
"I can't. No. I can't. This is crazy." Meredith turns to look at Burke, fighting the panic and the tears that are beginning to well in her eyes. She's losing it. "Burke, you're gonna go; you go. Both of you should go." She turns to Young; doesn't he want to get out of here?
"Nobody's dying today, Grey." Why is Burke so stubborn?
"Meredith I want you to look at me," Young says firmly, but Meredith shakes her head. She can't do this. She can't. He turns to the other member of the bomb squad. "Go downstairs and tell the Chief that this is taking longer than I thought." The man nods and leaves the room. "I know this is bad," Young continues, turning back to face Meredith, "and I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need, but you need to listen to me."
Meredith wants to listen to him. She tries to take deep breaths, she looks into his eyes, and she tries to see someone, anyone, but she can't. All she can think about is Derek and that kiss, that last kiss that she can't remember. "I-I can't," she whispers, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "I—"
Young looks like he wants to hit something. "Meredith," he growls.
"Go! You need to go. Burke—" she turns to him, but the words die on her lips. He needs to go find Cristina. He needs to hear her say she loves him before it's too late. Cristina can't make the same mistake she did; if she loses Burke and Meredith, she won't survive.
Something dawns on Burke's face suddenly. He turns to the anesthesiologist, whom Meredith hadn't even noticed until now. "Will the phone cord reach over here?"
The anesthesiologist looks surprised—everyone is—but he looks at the phone anyways. "I think so."
Burke nods. "Good." And with that, he moves away from the table, crosses the room to the phone, and dials. Meredith and Young are both staring at him. He speaks into the phone quietly, expression serious. No one can hear what he is saying.
Derek takes the phone from Olivia, almost shoving her out of the way. "Burke?" he barks. "What's going on?"
"Dr Shepherd." Burke's voice is surprisingly calm, given everything that's going on up there. "It's Grey."
Derek's heart stops. "Meredith?" Beside him, the Chief tenses. Izzie's face is horrified.
"She's panicking, Shepherd. She doesn't want to do this."
"Do what?" Derek knew he should have gone up there.
"She needs to pull the ammo out. I've widened the incision so that she can get it out, but she won't do it. She thinks she's going to die and that we should all leave so that we don't die to."
She can't give up. Derek won't let her. "I need to talk to her, Burke."
Even though he can't see him, he swears that Burke is smiling. "That's exactly what I was thinking, Shepherd."
Derek nods, relieved. "Tell me what she needs to do."
There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout, 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out,
And these mistakes you make you'll just make them again,
If you'd only try turning around.
"Meredith?"
Meredith blinks, tears blurring her vision. "The phone's for you," Burke says, slowly crossing the room, pulling the phone along with him.
For me? Meredith can't conceal her surprise. Why would someone be calling me?
"I'm going to hold the phone to your ear, okay?"
"Burke—" Young starts to protest, but Burke holds up a hand and cuts him off. Silently, he holds the phone to Meredith's ear.
"Meredith?"
She must be dead. The bomb must have gone off and killed them all, otherwise she wouldn't be hearing Derek's voice on the other end of the line. "Derek?" she whispers. She can't believe it's really him.
"Meredith, you need to listen to me." Derek's voice is soothing, it's everything she needs to hear right now.
"Derek, I can't do this." She's sobbing now; the fear of dying, dying and never seeing Derek again is too much for her to take. "I can't I—"
"I know," he whispers. "I know, Meredith. It's scary. But you need to do this."
She wishes more than anything that he was here with her, instead of on the other end of a phone line. She wishes he could hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. The tears are beginning to flow down her cheeks, because she wants to say that she will do this, but she can't. She can't do this. She can't kill Burke and Young and— "I'm sorry, Derek," she whispers, trying hard to conceal the fact that she is crying. "I-I just can't."
"Yes, you can, Meredith. You can do this. No one is going to die today." These are the same words that Burke and Young and everyone—she included—have been saying all day, but somehow, they sound different coming from Derek. She hears them this time, instead of just brushing them off or tuning them out. "Just listen to me, okay Meredith?"
She wants to; God how she wants to, but she can't do this. She needs—she doesn't know what she needs anymore. All she knows is that she misses Derek. "I can't do this without you." The words slip out before she can stop them. Did she really just say that?
"I know," Derek soothes, "but how do you think I'm going to feel if you die?"
He has no idea how long Meredith has been waiting to hear these words. It isn't exactly what she wants to hear but it's close; can things between him and Addison really be over? Do they have a chance?
"Meredith? Are you still there?" There is a hint of panic in Derek's voice.
"Yes." Her voice is barely more than a whisper.
"You need to do this, okay? Mr Carlson doesn't have much time."
"I can't—Derek I need you here with me." Now that there may be some hope that there is a future for them, Meredith has no trouble voicing her feelings.
"I'm right here, Meredith. I'm not going anywhere. Not until you tell me to," Derek says gently. "Close your eyes." Meredith does, and the world falls away. "Just pretend that I'm standing right next to you, okay?"
She nods, feeling a little calmer. "Okay." Listening to him talk, it's easy to pretend that Addison doesn't exist, that none of that ever happened. The table, the room, the bomb, it all falls away. Meredith can practically see Derek in front of her, standing on the other side of the table, beautiful blue eyes full of love and encouragement.
"Okay. We're going to take this one step at a time. Just wrap your hand around the ammo. That's all you need to think about right now." Derek's voice fills her mind; she can see him talking to her, with that intense expression he always gets when he's trying to make her focus.
Please God don't let me die, Meredith prays silently as she slowly wraps her fingers around the hard, round surface beneath them. I don't want to die while I'm on the phone with Derek. I don't want him to hear me be blown to pieces.
Nothing happens. Nothing blows up; nobody dies. "Okay," Meredith whispers, incredibly relieved. "I'm holding the bomb."
Across the table, Derek smiles. "Good. Now pull it out. Nice and slow. Pull it out and—"
"Keep it level," she whispers. "I remember."
There's a moment of silence, as Meredith considers what she's about to do. This is it. This is the moment they've all been waiting for. She finally gets to move her hand. She doesn't want to anymore, now that she knows the danger, but she has to. For Derek, because even though it isn't really him standing across the table from her, it feels like it is, and she doesn't want to kill him. So she begins to pull, slowly. Nobody breathes, but nothing happens.
"I'm doing it, Derek," she murmurs incredulously. "I'm pulling it out."
Derek is grinning at her, grinning like it's Christmas. "Good, Meredith. That's good. Keep it up."
"That's great, Meredith," Young says quietly. Meredith opens her eyes, Derek vanishing like smoke in the wind. She wants to call him back, and she can feel the panic rising in her chest, but it fades as she realizes she can see her hand; the bloodstained glove appears out of the cavity like a ship appearing out of the fog. The ammo follows; it's ugly: black and bulky. Had Meredith not known that the ammo was homemade, she would have thought it was the real thing. She can't believe that two average guys built this all by themselves in their garage. It seems a little ridiculous, but at the same time, it's amazing.
"That's it. Keep it level." Young holds out his hands and Meredith slowly places the bomb on it. He nods at Burke, before turning away from the table and moving carefully out of the room.
Meredith steps away, knees shaking. Burke must have handed her the phone, because she is holding it to her ear and he is operating, but she doesn't remember it happening.
"Meredith?" She's almost forgotten that Derek's on the other end of the line.
"I'm okay," she says, relief flooding her. It's over. She's fine. "I did it Derek. It's over."
"Thank God." Derek expels a long breath, and Meredith remembers she's not the only one who's been holding her breath all day. "Are you all right?"
"You know what? I think I am," Meredith replies. "I'm going to stay and see if Burke needs help."
"Okay. I'll be waiting for you when you come down. As soon as those elevator doors open; I'll be there."
"Okay," Meredith whispers. "I'll see you soon." Before Derek can reply, she hangs up. If she lets him talk, she'll never hang up the phone.
The door opens suddenly, and Cristina barges in. "You're done," she says faintly, seeing Burke working on Mr Carlson.
Meredith nods. She's glad that Cristina is here—she's not so sure that she actually wants to stay and help; she just wants to get out of here as fast as she can—but had they not been finished, Cristina's interruption could have killed them all.
Cristina moves to scrub in and help Burke, but Meredith is already leaving. Knees trembling, she opens the door and steps cautiously into the hallway. She can see Young and another member of his team at the end of the hall. They have a case, which Young is going to put the ammo into so that they can safely transport it out of here. Young is just bending down to put it away, and Meredith leans in to take a better look, when suddenly, there is a flash of yellow.
Time seems to stop as the bomb goes off. Meredith is thrown backwards in the shock wave; she flings a hand up to protect her face, but it's useless: the debris burns her anyways. She is weightless, flying through the air effortlessly, knowing that, at some point, she has to hit the ground. After what seems like an eternity she does, and it hurts; her head snaps back against the linoleum, and the rest of her follows.
Derek's face floats across her mind, smiling his perfect McDreamy smile, the one he used that first time she saw him at the bar, the one that leaves any woman in her right mind hopelessly dazzled. He'll be devastated that she's died, but she hopes he'll be okay.
I never asked him about that kiss, she thinks to herself, but before she can worry about it anymore, the darkness descends, and she feels nothing at all.
Two a.m. and I'm still awake writing a song,
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd,
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.
Cause you can't jump the track,
We're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table;
No one can find the rewind button now,
So sing it if you understand,
And breathe; just breathe.
Oh breathe; just breathe.
A/N: I think this is the fastest I've ever updated a story. I'll try to write the next chapter (which will probably be the last, but I don't want to think about that yet) just as quickly.
Another thing: I promised I'd tell you who the nurse that Derek ran into in the last chapter was. There was only one person who guessed who it was, and she was right: it's Rose. I tried not to make it too obvious, but if you follow the show, it wasn't too hard to figure out either.
I also want to send a huge thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, especially to those who review after each chapter. Reviews are really huge for me, and they make me want to update faster, because I feel like people are actually reading my story. I know that there are a lot of people who do read it, and if you could just write a little something at the end, that would be AMAZING. Also, if you have anything you'd like to see happen in the last chapter, let me know. I'm pretty sure I know where it's going to go, but new ideas are always welcome!