Here is just a little story that I hope will bring you a giggle and brighten your day. S. M. owns everything Twilight.
Soul Mates
As I finished the last line of the fanfiction I was currently reading, I couldn't help thinking. Oh my fucking god! These goddamn smutty romance writers! What a bunch of lying cunts they are. Soul mate, pffft! Really, there is just no such thing. What was it they always write? The person you knew you were meant to be with? Please! I'd met at least three other guys in my dating life that, honestly, I could have married and been very happy with. I thought about the list of attributes these saps always cite as proof that he is THE one.
*The electrical charge that occurs when two people, who were meant to be together, finally touch. The only charge I ever feel is the static shock from the dryer, when Mr Wonderful forgets to put in the fabric softener sheet.
*Eyes hooded with lust. Huh, more like eyes at half mast after he gorges himself with two extra helpings at dinner.
*Voice that sounds musical. The only thing that's musical is when he breaks wind. I'm more likely to hear him whine..."Huunnee, can't youuu get up and take care of the baaaby?"
*The glorious taste of his lips and tongue. Oh, he has many tastes alright. Let's see, there's morning breath where I swear something crawled in his mouth during the night and died, or beer and chips after sunday football.
*The unique fragrance of him. Yes, that comes when he's too tired to shower on the weekend.
*His sense of romance. He's very romantic. He always remembers to remove his socks when we are doing it...well, most of the time anyway.
*His extreme wealth, but coupled with a desire to work and be his own man. He's had six jobs in our ten years of marriage. As for wealth, I'm still paying on his student loan.
*A natural ability to play the piano. Five years of music in school and all I've ever heard him play is chopsticks. I swear I wanna take a sledge hammer to that monstrosity every time I have to dust the keyboard.
*A love for cooking gourmet meals just for you. Oh please. He cooks alright, as long as the package has microwave instructions.
*His excessive generosity. He bought me a lawn mower for my last birthday. Why? You ask. That's right, because I'm the one mowing the lawn. Actually I asked for the mower, it has an electric start so I don't have to tug and pull so hard. Don't worry, I bought him a currio cabinet for his big day.
*His gorgeous wavy hair. It waved goodbye years ago. How do you run your fingers through a bald head?
*A magnificent physique. You mean the one hanging over his belt buckle?
*His perfect, wonderful and supportive family, ah yes his family.
Let's see, there is his little sister, who has been living on our couch for the last six months. She can't find a job, but she can find her way to the fridge often enough.
Baby brother is very supportive and swears he will pay back the bail money as soon as things turn around for him.
Big brother has always been a blessing, he especially blessed us last summer when he talked hubby into sinking all our cash into that worthless stock tip he got from his barber.
Big sis is such a beauty, with her ratted hair and clothes 3 sizes too tight. But, that's OK 'cause they're about 20 years too young for her as well.
And, her 5, count them 5 darling offspring. I've learned to put away any breakables I value. That lesson came last Christmas when things 1 and 2 decided to make a toast using my best crystal.
Which brings me to consider dear old dad. Thoughtful, brilliant, reserved papa. Just after the hellions demolished my heirloom stemware, his dad decided to entertain us all by belching out Jingle Bells.
Lastly, there's my loving mother-in law. Mom. Mom, who never fails to remind me that her precious son could have married any one of six different women, and probably should have, in her opinion. She loves to brag about her refined sense of style and decorating ability, all the while criticizing mine. This from the woman who has a precious collection of salt and pepper shakers from all over the world.
I look up just as my Adonis plops himself at my feet, as I remain curled up on the end of the sofa.
Taking my feet in his lap, he begins to massage them. Did I mention that he gives great foot rubs?
"Hey Bella, don't forget, my buddies are comin' over tomrrow to watch the game, an' they're gonna want somethin' to eat. Oh, by the way, if you're gonna hit the head any time soon, you might wanna bring a can of air freshener along."
I closed my laptop where I had finished reading the last implausible story several minutes ago.
"So, baby, whatcha doin?"
I smiled up at my perfect man, "Thinking how much I love you, Edward."
With that beautiful crooked smirk, he leaned over and kissed me. "What's not to love?"
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