That L word.
No. No, I'm not having this. Not today.
After all of yesterday's drama, I'm glad to get out for a jog to clear my head. When I arrive downstairs, it's still early but my dear old black owl ,Kez, brings me a letter from mum and dad.
Dear Victoire,
We are so sorry for our reaction yesterday. We love you, sweetie, and our grandchild! We support you whatever you do and were just a bit, surprised. You're being very mature and strong and we've never been so proud. We will see you at Christmas, if not before. If you need ANYTHING, don't hesitate to ask us. Is it okay if we tell the family? I mean, they'll be delighted-they love new additions! How's Teddy? We have been waiting for you two to get together since you were toddlers, I guess this was just a bit, fast, for us!
We love you, have a lovely day. Love to Dominique and Louis,
Mum and Dad xx
Dom is up early too, and reads over my shoulder at the empty table, as people begin to drift in. I've just noticed how scary everyone looks in the morning-like zombies.
"So, everyone knows your knocked up now?" asks Dom,
"Not everyone.." I say, eyeing Roxanne as she sits with us, "And you can tell them!"
"I can, I can tell people?" she asks, excitedly. "And you won't Avada me?"
Roxanne looks beyond confused. Dom looks too happy. I guess everyone I care about knows now, the general public may as well.
"Well, I've told Teddy now, so go ahead buddy, spread the rumour!" I say cheerfully. I feel drunk, kinda, it must be the pregnancy hormones. Awesome.
Kez has gone off back to the owlery without waiting for me, the beast. I've scrawled a reply to my parents and I take myself up to the owlery. I meander out and bump into Tom on the way out,
"Where you off babe?" he asks,
"Owlery, letter n ting," I say, smiling and walking on past him.
When did climbing stairs get so tiring? I post my letter breathlessly, and stand for a minute, remembering how horrible and emotionally draining yesterday did I think it was a good idea to blurt my news to six people in ONE day! I suppose it's over now, but I hardly got the reactions I hoped for.
I mean, Teddy, he just ran away. He fucking ran away. WHO DOES THAT? Seriously, who runs away? Somehow, my earlier euphoria is clouded by sadness. My baby's father hates it, and he hates me. And I, I don't know how I feel about him, it's all so confusing. But he got out as fast as he could. Teddy just ran.
Like he could just, just make it go away. Like running away would make me feel good, solve this mess he thinks he's in. He's such a dick, I can't believe I ever slept with that mess. I hate this, I hate that he hates me baby. My baby, the only thing I've ever been sure that I love. And he's so scared of it, he ran away.
I make it out of the owlery but somehow end up curled up in the corridor, lessons haven't started and the floor seems so comforting. I know no one can see me, so then, for the first time since I found out, I cry. I let myself cry. Tears escape my eyes and I dissolve into the hard floor, makeup dribbling down my face, I push my hair back and it frizzes out. Look at you, I think, you fat, ugly blubbering mess.
This is not the best time for Tom to appear.
"THERE YOU ARE," he says, rushing up to me from the other end of the corridor. "How the FUCK could you not tell me?"
"Wh-what?" I say, sitting up against the wall and wiping my eyes, I'm bleary and tears fall anyway.
"That you're PREGNANT with my BEST FRIEND'S baby," he screams, spit flying from his mouth. I can't take his words in, I want to curl up in a ball and rock myself to sleep.
"Say something," he says, I say nothing, "You're a bitch sometimes, Vic,"
That hits me. No. No, I'm not having this. Not today.
"WHAT? Are you freaking kidding?" I yell, drawing myself up. "Thomas John Cowell, you, you are meant to be my BEST friend. My best friend in the whole wide world and I'm pregnant, and I'm scared and I'm CRYING and you shout at me. You shout at me! What the FUCK is wrong with you?"
"You're not my best friend. Teddy is my best friend, and you, you fucking, fuck fuck fucked him! Behind my back!" he screeches, pointing at me,
"Like this is all about YOU. Like I don't have a BABY inside of me that's more important than this shit!" I scream, red faced and hair flying. Tom looks anxious, he ruffles his beigey hair,
"How could you do that? How could you let me hear it from some bloody thrid year girl? From your stupid cousin. How could you not tell me, after everything?"
"MY COUSINS ARE NOT STUPID! And why in Jesus, Mary and the Holy Saint fucking Joseph's name does it matter?" I yell,
"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU,"
Oh.
There's a silence. Oh God. Oh no no no no no. Maybe, I misunderstand...
"Like a sister, right?" I say, hoping desperately.
"Like, like, I've always loved you. Like, since I first met you. And now, and now you're pregnant with HIS baby and he KNEW I loved you and he, he did it anyway!"
Now I know what it feels like to want to run away. Tears fall down my face again, leaving crusty tracks of eyeliner, I'm so angry and confused and MAD and argh. Fuck. I say that too much, but honestly, just, just FUCK.
How long has it been since I talked? Oh dear, oh deary dear, he's waiting for an answer. I have none.
"I, I, I can't. Tom, I just think of you as a friend. I mean, it would ruin us!" I say, spouting cliches. He looks so crestfallen. Oh dear God. Our friendship is officially over. He looks at me like a hurt puppy,
"Okay," he says quietly, he hugs me blankly and walks away slowly.
Seriously? Did that just happen? I'm still on the corridor floor, still crying, with tears bubbling over my eyes and dropping heavily to the ground. Except it's busier now, and I see people are coming to go to lessons. I drag myself over through the owlery door again and lean heavily on the open window. The grounds are beautiful, even if the October weather isn't. The sky is heavy with rain, leaden and glooming but the lake still shines and the Giant Squid lifts a tentacle, kids bustle over to the forest for lessons and I see first years learning to play Quidditch below. I'm calmed, even if I'm still crying. I can't seem to stop.
I'm just so angry, the two boys that I need the most have left me. Tom will never be my friend again, and Teddy? He ran away from me and my baby, and if he doesn't want us then fine. I can do this alone. I feel suddenly nauseated, and gag involuntarily. Shit.
I feel my stomach twisting and leg it to the bathroom. I throw up, it wouldn't be so gross, but I literally just threw up water. There's not much in me to throw up I guess. If it weren't for my baby, I'd be totally empty inside.
I realise where I am, the second floor toilets. Great, I wait for Myrtle to appear. But she doesn't. Not even Myrtle wants to hang out with a loser like me. I walk dejectedly back to the common room and realise I've ended up skipping lessons again. My teachers will not be happy. I guess I could go in late, but it's charms, and if Dom's done her work correctly then they all know. And they'll all judge me. And think I'm a slag.
I can't deal with this. None of it, I need someone, something, but all my stupid friends are in stupid lessons. My stupid baby daddy is has probably run to fricking China by now and my stupid best boy is loving me in a corner somewhere.
I peel myself from my bed to appear at break, after which I have Herbology, which I should certainly go to. I find my girls huddled at the back of the castle, perched on a ledge and out of the wind. Before they even greet me I blurt everything out, Teddy, Tom, everything. Kitty holds my hand while I tell the story, Lauren wipes make up from my tired face and Emma threatens to kill all of them.
"Because I swear I will," she says, brandishing her wand.
"No, no, it's fine," I say, not crying. I feel kind of cheery actually. And hungry. Mmm I could really go for a Pumpkin Pasty. But no, no I won't. Shut up brain.
"I can't believe he told you!" exclaims Kitty, "I mean, he's fancied you for ever,"
What.
"And you didn't think to tell me?" I say loudly,
"Hey, I thought you knew!" she says, shrinking back,
"Everyone knew!" Emma says pointedly. I sigh. I am sick of this.
"It's Halloween tomorrow," announces Lauren, as if waking up from a dream. She's good changing the subject. "And your little cousin Rox was telling me at breakfast, about some room her dad used to use in the war, with your uncles, for secret meetings and that. Anyway, I'm planning an after-feast party there, I mean, it's bloody perfect. It gives you whatever you want, basically!"
"Where is it?" I ask dubiously, this room sounds weird,
"Third floor corridor, it gives you whatever you ask for, except like food. I'll find it at lunch and we can sort it all out, yeah?"
"Sounds good," says Emma, "I'll go down to the kitchens for food and drink, the Elves love me,"
"I'm going to the library," announces Kit, leaving abruptly,
"What's her problem?" huffs Lauren,
"You know she hates breaking rules, it makes her awkward. The cute little geek," I say, grinning, "Anyway, who are you inviting?"
"Um, most people in our year and our cool older buddies. Deffo no kids though," she says, cheekily. "Get some Firewhiskey, Em?"
"But, there's school the next day!" she exclaims,
"Live a little!" Lauren winks. "You only live once! YOLO,"
Emma cringes at her,
"None for me, bad for little Rainbow Xavier," I say,
"Rainbow-"
"-Xavier?" they ask in unison.
"Rexy for short," I laugh at their faces. "Anyway, right yeah, if we're having a party I'm setting Nick up with Kitty. And you two are going to help. They are bloody perfect,"
"OH. They ARE perfect!" squeals Lauren, "My baby brother and my bezzer! I'm SO getting them together!"
"He's like 5 minutes younger than you," adds Emma, "But, sick idea bro. They are pretty cute,"
"SO cute!" I exclaim, glad to have taken my mind off baby drama. We rarely have parties and this is kinda what I needed to cheer me up.
The first years are migrating back to the castle, break's over.
"I've got Care of now," groans Emma, "I don't even LIKE animals,"
"Gutted. I've got Muggle Studies with Prof. Geller now, loving life!" adds Lauren. "And, I only just understood how hilariously ironic his name was. He's like Ross. From Friends!"
She's ridiculous, we don't have a friend called Ross. I shake my head at her absurdness and she rolls her eyes at me. I don't get irony.
Lauren's a real geek for muggles, she's always chatting about iRods and how awesome they are. She says they play music in your ear so no one else can hear it, it's amazing how muggles have adapted to live without magic. It's literally the only lesson she cares about, she's worse than my Grandad!
"Geller might be a tool but he's perfected my MP3 charm, check it out!" she puts her wand to a little pot of weird truculent liquid and it comes away with a strand of light blue liquid-y fluff stuck to it. She leans forward and tries to poke it in my ear,
"Oooh Lo don't be weird," I say, but she sticks it in anyway. Holy Jesus. My favourite song is playing in my ear. I look around wildly, as the lyrics to 'Transfigure My Love' by the Quasar Centaurs blast at me. She's done the same to Emma, who is bopping along happily,
"CAN YOU HEAR IT, VIC?" she screams, scattering the remaining children for miles.
"YEAH IT'S MINT!" I shout,
"You don't have to shout," says Lauren, laughing,
"WHAT?" we yell at her, and I see her move her mouth again. Whatever, I'm too busy singing to care about what she's saying.
"Transfigure my love, it was only for you,
Transfigure my love, 'cause it seemed too good to be true,"
"TRANSFIGURE ME BABY, you make me crazy," continues Emma, the music still blasts in my ears. This is so awesome! Then it cuts out and my ears are ringing crazily.
"Right, I'm going now," says Lauren, having collected her music back from our ears.
"Wait, how does that work?" I ask,
"Oh, I don't know. It was just my idea, Geller's been working on it for ages,"
"I'd love to know..." I say dreamily,
"I'd love to have one for myself," adds Emma, amazed.
"Yeah, I know what to make for your birthday then." she says winking, "Anyway, Muggle Studies calls! Bye guys!" and with that she prances off. Emma waves and leaves too, to tend to her hated animals.
I'm making my way to Herbology when I see bloody Jane, unfortunately we have it together, unfortunately she hasn't fallen down a mine shaft yet.
She sneaks up behind me a sticks a skinny leg out,
"What the hell?" I say, stumbling, she laughs. The catty bitch.
"Alright preggers?" she says, flipping her absurdly shiny brown hair. I have no comeback for this, so I storm ahead of her. She continues to taunt me, "I mean, how much of a SLAG do you have to be?"
"I swear to God, Cole."
"What, Weasley?" she retaliates, pulling my bluff. "Gonna sit on me?"
She's got me there, I am going to be massive. And she is tiny.
"Maybe, I might wait until I'm slightly more pregnant, and will crush you,"
It hurts, making fat jokes about myself. Because I'm not going to get any thinner from here, and she knows it.
"Don't bother waiting," she says, looking me up and down, "You'd crush me any day,"
And I don't let her see the tears that escape from my puffy eyes, because I've cried too much today. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. And I know I'm fat, I know it to my very core and I hate myself, I just hate me. When she walks away, into the greenhouse, all I see is thighs that don't shake and a tiny little waist in her fitted robes. All I see is her perfection and her meanness against me. And I wish I was her.