Hello everyone. No, I have not dropped this fic and yes, I am still alive. To everyone that sent me PMs or reviews ^^Thank you and keep them coming. Also enjoy!
Chapter 5: In the dark
Sasuke was laying in his bed, trying his best to calm the annoying eagernes that had taken over him. He could not sit still, he was turning around on all sides, and it was irritating and uncomfortable. Why the hell did he need to feel like that just because he and Itachi were going to spend the night in the same room? He stood up and went to his desk. He had picked his favourite movie and he was hoping that his brother would enjoy it... not like he cared, of in the orphanage, good movies and books were some of the few things that rose his interest.
He then turned around to his closet and changed in some more comfortable clothes just before his brother had knocked on the door.
"Can I come in?" his voice echoed from the other side.
"You're annoying. Of course you can come in, why do you even ask." Sasuke pouted, feeling like a spoiled child and enjoying it just a tiny bit.
As Itachi entered the room, he tried his best to put on a disinterested face, however he was sure he started blushing just a tiny bit at the sight of his brother. He had never seen him looking quite like that. He was wearing a black t shirt and dark blue pants. His hair was still slightly wet and he was idly drying it with the towel he had in his left hand. He looked at his little brother for a second then flashed him a devious smirk.
"Oh but how could I barge in your room just like that? Maybe you need privacy." He said, sitting down by Sasuke's side and looking thoroughly amused.
"This asshole… but why the hell am I blushing… there has to be something wrong with me."
"I don't have anything to hide." He answered, his voice calmer than he had hoped it would be.
"Oh, really?"
Sasuke turned to look his brother in the eye. He still seemed like he was having fun, his onyx eyes taking his little brother in curiously. His head was resting on his hand, a little tilted to the side and his hair was leaving wet stripes on his shirt. Sasuke had to admit, he might have looked just the tiniest bit good…
"Why would I hide anything? I don't have things to hide…"
"Well then, you might be the only one." His brother said, his smile fading away in an instant. He turned his head towards the tv. "So what movie are we watching?"
"Memento."
"Oh. One of my personal favourites."
Sasuke's face lit up. So he had seen it and it was also one of his favorites. He was happy they had something in common and that at least they enjoyed the same movies, but then his heart sunk. If Itachi had seen it meant that he had to search for another movie or at worst they would just forget about it and go to bed… he felt all of his previous exhilaration fade.
"I can find another one." He said, half-heartedly, as he was standing up to go to his desk.
A firm hand on his wrist stopped him.
"No need. I'd love watching this with you."
"You sure?" Sasuke asked, but he sat back down anyway.
"Oh, sure I am. I'm sure I'd enjoy watching anything as long as it's with you, but the fact that it's one of my favourite movies has got to be a plus." A smile curled on his lips and suddenly Sasuke felt wordless. He simply moved more to the side and turned the movie on and the lights off. He was hoping that in the darkness, his flustered face would be less visible.
Although his heart was still beating quite fast, he soon forgot about it and got lost in the movie. He felt like it was a movie suited to him, someone without a past. He could feel and understand the desperation of having to build up a new life after losing your past, and wondered just how many times a human being could do it before it was just too much. In a moment of weakness, his eyes moved towards Itachi, whose pale face was lit up by the tv colors, accentuating the dark circles under his eyes. He seemed tired, fragile and suddenly Sasuke's hand was moving a stand of hair away from his cheek. His brother's face rapidly turned towards him, staring with amazement. To Sasuke's surprise, Itachi seemed flustered, if just a bit, but not uncomfortable. He wasn't sure exactly how, but he knew that Itachi didn't hate him doing that. Suddenly, his face regained composure, and a soft smile appeared out of nowhere.
"Uhm… sorry…. " Sasuke found himself saying and turning away.
"Great Sasuke. What the hell was THAT?! God I think I'm losing my mind."
He didn't really have time to think of his actions though, because all at once he felt Itachi's hands on his shoulders, turning him to face each other. Just as the younger was about to protest, his brother suddenly leaned on to press his forehead onto Sasuke's. The closeness made his heart almost stop and then race until he was sure that even Itachi could hear it. He was sure he was red, redder than he ever would have wanted to be and that he was at a loss of words, yet his brother simply seemed composed and genuinely peaceful, maybe even happy. He lazily smiled and seemed nostalgic, but did not move away.
"Wh…what?" Sasuke managed to utter, the words soft and shaky.
"Nothing. I was just thinking that nothing has changed."
"What do you mean?"
"Being close to you is still the best cure for any of my troubles." He moved a hand from his shoulder to his cheek and played with a stand of hair idly, but again refused to move. "Do you dislike this, Sasuke?" he said, almost sad.
"Yes, now get away from me" he wanted to say, but like most of the times Itachi behaved like that lately, he could not say anything. Instead, he simply looked away, almost silently nodding.
"I don't hate it in particular… but you are weird." Was the best response he managed, and he hated himself for not being able to tell his brother off.
"He is damn weird, but I am even worse… I have no idea what's wrong with me anymore."
Suddenly, Itachi's head inched closer, and it made Sasuke's heart beat faster, although he could have sworn that was impossible just a few seconds ago. Every one of his senses was now alert, and something, deep inside of him told him to turn away and run, far away from his brother and whatever was about to happen.
But he didn't.
He kept looking at his brother, not moving an inch. Screw common sense, that thing was already far buried inside of him when he was around Itachi. Screw morals and what he knew and what he felt and everything else that was not his brother moving towards him, getting closer and closer to kissing him.
Then suddenly, as if someone had pressed a switch, Itachi's eyes widened. For just a split second, he looked as if he had just woken up from a dream and then his face changed into a mixture of emotions. Sadness, disappointment, pain, lust, restraint all mingled and intertwined, and then…nothing. He moved fast and with no hesitation to place a long, painful kiss on Sasuke's forehead. He felt as if his heart was breaking, and he almost moved around to ask for more when common sense kicked in.
"What the fuck am I doing? What do I want from him? That was werird. I DID NOT enjoy it. I don't want anything from him. He's your own fucking brother, Sasuke! Get a hold of yourself!"
He stood up abruptly.
"Sasuke?" Itachi's pained voice echoed through the room.
"Bathroom." He mumbled and ran out of the door. "No need to pause the movie."
Itachi's heart was not exactly what you'd call calm, but he had learnt to control his emotions better than most people. He was sure his brother couldn't have told what was going on inside his head, but he was thankful he had left the room. He moved a bit, trying hard to look at the screen and focus on the action, to think of what aspects of it he really enjoyed, but he couldn't. His head was full to the brim with Sasuke.
He knew he had acted in a stupid manner, but for the first time in ages, he had lost control, albeit just for a second. He wondered what would have happened, had he not stopped. If his lips were to touch Sasuke's and not his forehead, what would his reaction have been? Would he have been disgusted? Would he have responded? No. He couldn't let himself stoop so low as to think of that. He was sure he was weak to Sasuke and everything he ever did or stood for, but he was not going to do that to his little brother.
At least not until he was sure Sasuke wanted it just as much.
Sasuke wasn't exactly sure how, but in the end he had managed to calm his nerves down and walk back to his room, where he and his brother acted as if nothing had happened and some time later, despite his heart racing like crazy and despite being unable to get past the fact that his brother was so close to him, he fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was alone in the room.
"Good morning, Sasuke!" the blue haired woman chanted over her cup of coffee. Somehow, in Sasuke's mind, he still couldn't get past her look change. He expected the long, black sleek haired woman that seemed elegant and had a refined air to her. Somehow, this version of Konan seemed oddly childish albeit refreshing and he was conflicted as to what to think of her.
However, one thing was clear to him. That petite figure smiling at him from across the kitchen table wanted Itachi. And, although he hated to admit it, he knew exactly how he felt about that.
He hated it.
After the previous night, he had realized that now it came easy to admit to himself that he felt possessive of his brother. The reason that made him feel that way was something way harder to admit.
"Morning." He mumbled as a response as he tried to get some food out of the fridge. He looked at the clock and realized his brother had left for work long ago.
"Hmmm, Sasuke, what are your plans for today?"
"Plans? I don't have any." He said while chewing a piece of toast.
"Great then! Would you mind spending the day with me? Being alone is boring anyway and I always wanted to meet you!"
To be fair, he would have preferred spending the day on his own, however he was also intrigued by her. Or more exactly, just what it was that made her catch his brother's eyes.
"Ok." He replied not looking away from his food.
After spending more than 8 hours with her, he was still not sure he liked her, however he had to admit she was fascinating. Not the type of fascinating that Itachi was, mysterious and sharp, always luring you in, but instead she was sophisticated and elegant, mature to a point where even her electric blue hair seemed refined. He was not sure exactly what made her any different from the pink haired girl he knew or other any woman he knew for the matter, but she seemed like an adult. She was probably what anyone would define as a mature woman, capable and trustworthy, while also fun and easy going when she had to. It was captivating to witness her mood swings and see her smile like a child for almost stupid reasons.
He wondered if Itachi felt attracted to her because of that. Because he had wanted to see her different sides, see past the mature exterior.
"It's so late already, wheeeen is he coming baaack?!" She complained over her bottle of wine. She was past the point of using a glass. "You know, he was always cold to people, cold to me, but I felt that maybe if I tried enough he would show me another side of him…. And sometimes I feel like I am close to seeing it inside of him… but now things just became more complicated and I have no idea if we can fix it…"
Sasuke was a bit drunk himself, so he was just listening, not really focusing on anything. He knew she did not want an answer.
"I really loved him. I think I still do, no matter what…"
The entrance door opened and Sasuke's heart skipped a beat. He could feel his blood suddenly pumping faster through his body and the alcohol was not helping him at all. He was sure nothing could have calmed his nerves down. Until he saw Itachi's face.
He looked mad, from the second he had laid his eyes on them. Sasuke couldn't understand the mute rage that was spreading all over Itachi's face and then suddenly disappeared, in its place remaining only a blank expression.
"Go to sleep, Konan. And you, Sasuke, come here for a second."
Only then did he realize her body was leaning on him in a weird and maybe improper manner and he had to push her aside in order to stand up and wobble his way across the living room. Empty bottles of beverage were littered on the coffee table and for a second he felt like maybe he would have been mad as well if he were his brother.
"What is happening here?" Itachi inquired after the kitchen door was closed behind Sasuke, his tone calmer and scarier than ever.
"She said she was bored and wanted to spend some time to know each other. Then she kinda started drinking and well… I won't say no."
Itachi suddenly turned to face him, pushing him into the wall behind and looking straight into his eyes.
"If you want to know each other so much, I can always give you some privacy." He spat the words as if the whole situation disgusted him.
"Are you afraid I'll steal away your fiancée? I have no interest in her." Sasuke spat back. The one he had an interest in was someone completely different. He wished it was just as simple as wanting to steal his brother's fiancée away. But it wasn't.
"I don't care if someone steals her away. You are a different matter." Itachi's face suddenly froze, as if he realized he had said something he shouldn't have. Composure took over him and Sasuke already felt a déjà vu of the previous night. He wasn't going to let his brother get away this time.
"How so? How am I a different matter?" he said through his teeth while moving closer to Itachi who seemed to run away from him with every passing second.
"Forget it."
"No."
"Stop this, Sasuke!" Itachi hissed as his brother's body inched closer to him, pushing him against the counter. "I won't be responsible for anything that happens next."
"Go ahead."
As Sasuke spat the words, he could see his brother's restraint crack and fade away and suddenly the only thing left were his eyes, burning holes through him. He felt his brother's arms grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer then as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Itachi's lips violently closed on his. It felt like liquid adrenaline was being poured into Sasuke's veins, making him numb to anything that was not his brother. He wasn't exactly sure how, but their positions had changed and now he was being pushed on the counter and he was happy about that since he was sure he couldn't stand on his own feet. The alcohol was nothing compared to this. He was getting high on his brother's kiss and there was no way to pull away. And Itachi was the same. He was sure that if Konan were to walk in on them right then and there, they couldn't have stopped and they wouldn't have cared. Somewhere in his mind he knew it was wrong, but who was he to deny Itachi's embrace just because it was not right? He had longed for this for so long and he was happy he was drunk. Otherwise, he might have never been able to do it.
He wasn't exactly sure how long they had been in the kitchen, unable to stop touching even for a second when they heard her coming downstairs, asking for help. At this point, Sasuke wanted to scream in frustration. He looked in his brother's eyes and knew that was the end. He was going to stop, pull away and leave the kitchen to help Konan with whatever she needed help with. He felt like a child, but still clenched his fist onto Itachi's shirt, trying to pull him closer as he was moving further away. He tried to protest but it was no use.
Itachi was already gone.
In Sasuke's mind, the period of time from when he left the kitchen and when he got to his room was just a dark passage in his memory. He couldn't remember anything but Itachi's lips all over his and the sensation it left behind.
He wanted more and he hated himself for that.
That night, he finally understood just to what extent his brother could influence him. Not having him in the same room, in the same bed after sleeping together the previous night made him feel empty, tired and cold. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or just his dreams, but he could see bits of memories, Itachi and him, sleeping together as children, and then the darkness that came whenever his brother was not around. His blood felt cold as it was running through his veins and he gasped for air in his bed. The sensation of fear overwhelmed him.
And then the nightmares started.
He wasn't exactly sure what had changed, but he knew it had to do with Itachi's absence. He would wake up, night after night, so many times, covered in cold sweat and shaking, unable to remember his dreams, but sure that he was better off that way. He would then climb down his bed and go to the living room, always hoping to see Itachi there, but it was no use. He was sleeping in the same room as Konan now and he was barely even at home. For the past week Sasuke had not seen him at all and he felt anxious and nauseous everytime he would hear his voice on the phone, talking to someone and telling them he would leave the house soon. Every night, he'd sleep on the couch, with the tv on and every night was torture.
"There is no reason to fear the darkness, Sasuke" a younger version of Itachi smiled at sasuke as he pet his head. "I'll sleep with you so don't be scared."
Relief filled his chest as he cuddled up to his big brother. Even in the darkness, it was comforting. And then he was gone. He stood up, laughing at Sasuke, his face oozing of blood and his body disfigured. Everywhere around, corpses hanged grotesquely and Itachi seemed to caress them, telling them over and over "It's ok, I am here for you, HE can't hurt you." he kept caressing the bodies, while looking at Sasuke with a disgusted look and everytime he touched a corpse, he became more twisted himself. Then he approached Sasuke, slowly, as if to expose his destroyed body and laughed, getting closer and closer, until his crooked hands could touch Sasuke and the smell of blood was unbearable…
Then he woke up to a voice calling him, soothing and quiet. He looked up to see his brother, standing over him in his suit, looking tired and pale. He was absently stroking his hair. He knew he was drenched in sweat but he could not help burying his face into Itachi's shirt. The older simply hugged him back.
"Since when has this been happening, Sasuke?"
"Last week."
"I am sorry." Itachi said and lifted his face so that he could look him in the eye. "I was a fool to leave you alone. I should have known better. After all, you never change."
"What do you mean?"
"You always had nightmares when I was not around." Itachi said, smiling softly.
For a second, Sasuke felt relieved, but then he remembered that Itachi had been ignoring him for the past week which made him feel nauseous. He pushed him to the side and sighed while gripping the blanket in his hand.
"No need for you to be concerned. After all, you have been doing your best to never be in the same room as me again." He said, smiling bitterly.
For a second, Itachi stared at him as if to choose the best words then simply asked.
"Do you hate me, Sasuke?"
Sasuke was still feeling the after effects of the nightmare he could still not remember, however he was sure he could never hate his brother. He started laughing a bit frustrated with his weak resolve.
"How could I ever hate you? I hate myself sometimes, sure… for not being able to push you out of my mind, but what can I do when I don't even understand it myself… I can't hate you… I can't not want you."
That seemed to be enough for Itachi as he pulled Sasuke up and helped him to his room. At the sight of the darkness in it, he started to panic.
"It's ok, Sasuke. You won't have to sleep alone." He said while laying his brother on the bed. "I was a fool, but I was scared. I was not sure of what to do… after all you are my little broher but I guess n the end I just don't care about that. So forgive me, Sasuke. I won't ignore you again."
As he said that, he started kissing the younger boy and Sasuke was sure he felt pretty content with his explanation. He didn't need to hear more. After all they were both the same. They understood each other. Itachi's kisses were soft and considerate, but somehow, he knew his brother was trying his best to hold back. He wanted more, he wished to tell him he did not have to hold back however in the end the exhaustion wore him out and he slowly fell asleep while sticking close to Itachi.
For the first time since the nightmares had started, he dreamt of nothing.
And that was it for now. See you in next chapter ^^