Chapter 7

Itachi woke up feeling emptier and more desolate than he had felt since that night he lost Sasuke. He looked at the sleeping face of the woman next to him and couldn't help shutting his eyes tightly. He wanted to make it all disappear, he wished to make it go away. Waking up filled with regret seemed to become a usual occurrence in his life lately.

He slowly sat up trying his best not to disturb her. He did not want to have to interact with Konan. The only thing he wanted was to see Sasuke's face. Maybe that would assure him of his decision to stay with his fiancé. He needed to have a reminder, a reminder of his determination to only be Sasuke's brother and nothing more, however his reminder seemed to be nowhere around. He paced around the house, checking every room but his little brother was nowhere to be found. Today was one of Itachi's rare days off and he had planned on spending it all with Sasuke, doing brotherly things, however he realized his plans were not going to come to fruition.

With a deep sigh he headed for the balcony. The morning air was chilly and refreshing, soothing his troubled heart. He reached around in his pocket and picked up the pack of cigarettes nestled there. He knew it was a bad habit, everyone said so, but just for a while, he needed it.

It was already dark by the time Sasuke came back home, staggering through the front door.

'Sasuke!' Itachi jumped from his chair in the living room. He had been anxiously waiting, worrying about his little brother who had not picked up his phone at all the entire day.

He rushed towards the door just to be greeted by the sight of Sasuke stumbling around in a drunken haze. His beautiful face was contorted in a weird, unnatural way, his pupils excessively dilated and his cheeks unnaturally flushed. He avoided looking at Itachi and instead simply swayed past him, leaving a thick clous of alcohol fumes behind him before a firm hand grabbed him and stopped him.

'Wh..at?' he struggled to say while also keeping his balance.

'What is going on with you?' Itachi's voice oozed of annoyance. He felt confused, betrayed and he could not bear to look at his little brother in such a state. What came over him?

'I don't know what you mean.' the words were incoherent and muddy, as if Sasuke was struggling to speak while drowning.

'Look at me.'

Itachi knew his request was in vain. He couldn't talk to Sasuke the way he was then and something told him his little brother would have rather died than look him in the eye.

With a deep sigh he moved closer to the poorly balanced Sasuke.

'What am I going to do with you? Come, I'll take you to your room.' He wrapped his arm around him and tried guiding him towards the stairs.

'Don't!' Sasuke shouted as soon as he seemed to realize what was happening. 'Don't touch me. Why start now?' he laughed bitterly.

'Sasuke?' Itachi raised a questioning eyebrow. 'Let me help you.'

'Screw that. Screw you.' Were Sasuke's final words to Itachi before dragging himself to the living room couch and collapsing there.

He wasn't sure what felt worse that morning. The throbbing headache, the nausea, the intense thirst he felt burning his throat and lips or the deep darkness surrounding him. Was it possible it was still night? No. Sasuke looked around to see he was in his room, his alarm clock flashing 9:46. So it was morning. He couldn't recall coming to his room, but then again, he couldn't remember how he got home in the first place. All he remembered were Itachi's eyes as he grabbed him. Remembering the look of disgust and disapproval on his brother's face made Sasuke's nausea worsen. He turned around and buried his face in his pillow. He was so stupid, going out and getting wasted all because of his brother, but he did not know what else to do. The pain, the feeling of not being needed, not being wanted made him feel worse than he had ever felt. Of course their kiss meant nothing to Itachi. He had a fiancé for Christ's sake.

Sasuke dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He looked as bad as he felt. Dark circles surrounded his eyes, his face had a green, pale shade and his lips were cracked. He sighed a deep sigh. Itachi had turned him into a mess. He briefly considered trying to better his appearance but then he remembered exactly why he had gotten in that state the previous night. He wanted to be numb. He wanted to pass his days in a haze and not ever be sober enough to remember or regret. He wanted time to pass and he wanted to pause his feelings of hurt. He knew alcohol was supposed to only make him more depressed, but what if he were never sober enough to even know who he was? Could he truly be depressed then?

He hurried out of the bathroom and down the stairs. He wasn't sure Itachi was around, but he had no intention of finding out. He grabbed his coat and wallet and rushed towards the front door. As he passed by the living room a strange fragment of his memory seemed to tug at him.

He was pretty sure he had gone to bed on the couch.

The bartender eyes Sasuke suspiciously. The boy had been practically living there for the past week and he was not sure he had ever seen him without a drink in his hand. Somewhere halfway through the night he simply bought a straight up bottle so that he wouldn't have to bother with a glass. He wondered where the kid got his money from but he figured he was simply some spoiled brat of some rich family taking out his frustration by drowning in alcohol. He wasn't exactly fond of the boy, yet somehow he felt strangely curious about him. He stood in a corner night after night, rejecting everyone who might have tried to strike up a conversation. He didn't seem to want to be sober enough to remember even a tiny bit of any of his nights and at some point he started coming early in the morning. He was usually the only client there at that time and moreover he was definitely the only one already drunk by then.

He wondered about his family. Were they ok with him being there all the time? Weren't they worried? If anything, the bartender himself worried that the boy may get alcohol poisoning any minute now. He sighed and turned to pouring a glass of vodka for another client. It wasn't any of his business. If the kid wanted to drown himself and his liver in alcohol then so be it.

He spent the rest of the night avoiding looking to that corner of the room until he and the boy were the only ones left. He cleaned his counter and arranged everything, waiting for him to leave like every night, yet the kid remained. He did not budge nor did he seem to realize it was way past the time he should have left.

'God damn it…' he whispered while placing his neatly folded towel on the countertop. He walked towards the table the boy was at with tired steps.

'Look, kid. It's way past closing time. Get out of here.'

The boy did not respond. For a second, he did not even seem to hear him until he moved to the side. He staggered and tried standing up, just to fall back into his seat a few seconds later, his pale hands clutching the table. The kid was a mess. He tried standing up again and again until finally he managed to somehow do it, however the bartender wasn't sure it was such a good idea anymore. With a drunken sway, the kid stumbled towards the exit.

'Do you need me to call you a cab or something?'

His offer was cut short by a mumbled word from the kid's lips, just before he collapsed on the wooden floor, dragging chairs and a table after him.

'You've got to be kidding me.'

Itachi's hands clutched the steering wheel with enough force to stop his bloodflow. He couldn't believe this. What was Sasuke thinking? Was he even thinking at all? He hadn't been home almost at all the past few days and judging by the worried phone call he got a few days ago, he was also not going to work. Itachi was already way past calling him. His little brother seemed to have thrown his phone away. He had people looking for him everywhere but it seemed as if he had vanished from the face of the earth. Itachi had spent the past week anxious, worried and angrier than ever. What if someone got to him? Was it for the money? No, they would have already called for a ransom. Was he in an accident? That couldn't be either, he had checked every hospital in a 100km radius. He spent his days and nights trying to find him just to be called in the middle of the night.

The call came from Sasuke's phone, but it was not his little brother who had called. A middle aged man informed him that his sibling was passed out and throwing up in a shabby bar somewhere outside of the city, where he had apparently been for the past week. He couldn't contain his anger. What was going on with Sasuke? It couldn't have been their conversation or their kiss. That had already happened long ago, so what the hell was going on? He was frustrated, he couldn't understand. All he wanted was for his brother to be happy, yet here he was, getting dead drunk in some shithole.

He pulled up in front of the bad. The cold wind ruffled his scarf and his breath formed small clouds in the air. He looked around to make sure he had the right place. A pink and green neon sign with a cheesy cocktail flashed precariously over the dimly lit entrance that seemed to lead to a basement. Jo's bar. That was it. He rushed down the brick stairs and pushed the old door to go inside. A bell rand as he entered the bar. Lines of tables with chairs on top of them filled most of the room, while the furthest wall from the door was lined with shelves full of bottles.

'You're here for the boy, right?' a tired voice came from behind the room. The man who came out had gray hair and shortly trimmed beard. He looked tired, fine lines adorning his bronzed face.

'Where is he?' Itachi's voice sounded harsh. He too felt tired.

'He's in the back. Sleeping for now, though I can't say for how long. He keeps waking up to throw up every now and then.'

'I'll take him.' he said already moving towards the back of the bar. He wanted to get his hands on his little brother as soon as possible. He wanted to know him safe. He was not going to let this happen ever again. Even if Sasuke wanted to kill himself, he would not allow it.

As he entered the room the smell pungent smell of vomit and alcohol hit him. he looked around to see Sasuke laying on an old couch, a small towel covering him.

'Look kid.' The man said from behind Itachi.'I don't know who you are, but when I picked up the brat's phone you were his only contact. It's none of my business, but take him home and make sure he never comes around here again. He'll end up dead.'

Itachi eyed the man, silently contemplating before he moved to pick Sasuke up. He was heavy and unresponsive, but Itachi figured he'd manage something to the car.

'Let me give you a hand.'

'I don't need it.' Itachi's short answer came. He didn't want anyone touching Sasuke.

'The stairs are quite tricky. I won't bite, just let me help.'

Itachi sighed defeated. Dragging a drunken man on a flight of steep stairs was not how he wanted to risk injuring himself nor Sasuke so he gave in and allowed the man to help him. He could feel the bartender's curiosity rising as they reached his car but he did not say anything. He gently placed Sasuke in the backseat and closed the door.

'Thank you.' Itachi said turning to the bartender.

'Don't mention it.'

Itachi knew better. There was no such a thing as a free meal in this world. He reached around his pocket and wrote a fast check to the man.

'This won't happen again, but if it does, he is your priority and you call me. Understood?'

The man eyes the check curiously, his eyes widening once he read the number. What was wrong with these kids?

'I don't want your money. I didn't do it for that.'

'I don't care. I have plenty, you seem like you could use some. I have nothing else to offer you so just take it as my gratitude. Good night.' Itachi said walking to the driver's seat.

The bartender looked after them in confusion. Such a weird pair. Were they brothers? Both beautifully pale and exquisite, with dark eyes and hair and slender builds, they seemed so similar. He wondered what had happened, but he figured he wouldn't find out anyway so he turned around to enter the bar. He had no use for money, but he figured he'd amuse the kid.

The world was spinning and he felt as if he was trying to resurface from the depth of a whirlpool. Sometimes he'd see his room, the darkness enveloping it, briefly reminding him of where he was. Sometimes he'd hear the sound of his breathing so very clearly and loud it made his head hurt. Other times, the world was muddy, grey and unfocused, sounds came from afar and he couldn't concentrate on anything. He couldn't remember anything, he didn't know who he was.

Through all of this however, a feeling persisted. Whenever he came back from the depth of his nausea to take a breath of reality, he could see a looming figure. A pair of black eyes staring at him with an expression so solemn it made his blood boil. As much as he felt he was drowning in his haze, he was afraid to sober up and face his brother.

'I know you're awake.' Itachi's voice came from the other end of the room, yet Sasuke stubbornly refused to open his eyes.

He wasn't ready for this. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to wake up from his drunken haze weeks later only to realize he had completely gotten over his brother and if that was impossible, then he was never supposed to sober up.

'Sasuke.' A deep sigh came from his brother. 'Look at me.' He could hear Itachi getting up from the chair and moving towards the bed. He slowly sat next to him. 'Sasuke.' His voice was low, an angry growl yet somehow so seductive.

'What do you want?' Sasuke could not bring himself to open his eyes.

'I want to know what the hell is going on with you.'

'Well get in line. I'm still figuring it out myself.' Came his snarky reply.

'Talk to me.' Itachi inched closer.

At this point Sasuke could feel his hot breath on his neck. He suddenly jerked up. His brother's face looked tired. His long hair was disheveled, his eyes sunken in the back of his head. His expression was unreadable, but something told Sasuke he was unbelievably angry. He wondered how he managed to look so composed.

'Sasuke.'

Every time Itachi said his name, Sasuke felt weak. It was as if he was being stabbed, he couldn't bear it.

'Stop saying my name. I heard you the first 20 times.'

'So will you talk to me then?'

'What's there to talk about?'

'Don't play dumb with me. My patience's wearing thin.'

'Oh really? What will you do?' Sasuke laughed a hoarse laugh. He felt lifeless. What could Itachi possibly rob him of at this point?

'I can do many things you don't want done, Sasuke, but I would never hurt you. I'm here for you. I love you. I'm your brother. Lean on me.'

Brother. The word cut through Sasuke. He felt his blood boil. How selfish was Itachi? He barged into his sterile, emotionless life and made a mess out of him and now here he was, playing saint.

'You know what? I'll take you up on that offer.' Sasuke barked, finally looking Itachi dead in the eye.

'Alright.' Itachi agreed cautiously.

'You want to know what's going on? You want to help me?'

'I do.' His voice was stern, yet his eyes oozed with concern. He wanted to help. He wanted to make it better for Sasuke.

'Alright then. How about you fuck off then? How about you never show your face again in front of me? And how about you stop trying to pretend you're my fucking family?! You may remember whatever, but I don't know shit. All I know is that since I've been here I've been plagued with nightmares and fucking feelings. I didn't ask for this shit yet somehow now I have to deal with that and you on top of it! And then you have the audacity to kiss me whenever you damn well please. Have you no self control? What the fuck do you think I am? And then you go and push your brotherly feelings on me. Did you ever ask me what I thought of that?! You think I'm confused?! You think I'm not mature enough to know what I want? I fucking do yet somehow I have to deal with pretending to not want it and then be lectured about it. Just fucking stop!'

Sasuke paused to catch his breath. He wasn't sure he made any sense and he felt like crying. He had promised himself he'd stop feeling, that he would never be this pathetic again, yet here he was, confessing to his engaged brother who had made it very clear he wanted nothing of that sort of thing from him. He couldn't help himself. Itachi was just something else. It wasn't just love, or just lust or anything else. It was everything. He wanted Itachi to be his completely. It was love, lust, possessiveness and obsession. He couldn't explain it.

'Sasuke.' Itachi muttered as soon as he could gather his thoughts. 'What are you saying? Be very careful with your words. I do not take lightly to my actions. I never do things on a whim. Never.'

'Oh really?' Sasuke laughed humourlessly. 'So you kissed me because what?'

'I told you, that was a mistake.'

'I know what you said, you damn hypocrite! A mistake, a whim, what's the difference. You don't really care how that affected me. You wanted to make out for a bit so you did and now that your fiancé is back I can go back to being your brother. What the fuck is wrong with you?! What the fuck is wrong with me?'

'There's nothing wrong with you…you're just confused.'

'Confused?! I'm confused?' sarcasm was dripping from his lips. 'No, Itachi, I'm not confused. I'm frustrated, exasperated and fucking pissed, but not confused. So if you want to keep lying to yourself that your little brother is an innocent boy instead of a sick, twisted mess who is in love with you then go ahead, lie to yourself, but that's not the reality of this. Go ahead, be disgusted with me, but it won't change anything. The me you remember does not exist. This is what you get. Get used to it.' Sasuke spat.

Silence filled the room and he could feel his chest tightening. Well, he figured that would be it. Now Itachi would be thoroughly disgusted with him and that would be it. Their short lived rekindled relationship would end this way and Itachi would surely never want anything to do with him ever again. Whatever, at least he had it off his chest. He struggled to move his legs over the edge of the bed. He needed to be out of that room. He was trying to maintain his balance when Itachi stood up in front of him, onyx eyes burning what Sasuke could have sworn was a red colour.

'Did you mean all of that?'

'Of course I did! Who would make that kind of joke?'

'I'm not responsible for anything that happens from here on out, Sasuke. I wanted to protect you, but I'm not strong enough to walk away after you say such things.'

'What are you talking a…'

His words were cut off by Itachi slamming him on the bed. He looked up to see his brother inching closer until their lips met. He felt a surge of adrenaline running through his veins. Itachi's lips were violently pressed against his, hungry for something more than just a kiss. His tongue traces his lips, his jawline, his neck. Sasuke could not think, could not focus. Itachi was all there was.

For just one second, Itachi stopped to look at his little brother. His hair was messy, eyes lustful. He licked his lips in excitement. He could not remember a time he was so aroused, filled with such pure bliss.

'This isn't a whim of mine, Sasuke. God knows, I've tried stopping myself, but I can't, so if you want me, I'm yours to do as you please with me.' he said, burying his face into his brother's neck.