The pursuit of love during the days of one's pubescence isn't as sweet-sounding as it is.
If I had to describe it, it would be full of disappointment, misfortune, and heartbreak. Sometimes, even a few cases of broken bones, especially for guys—who had all sorts of bones. Romance, at this sort of age, is a mistake waiting to cripple your self-worth and plunge you into an endless cycle of hope and despair. Source: Me.
Let it be known that Hikigaya Nanashi never pursued such a thing during peak of his adolescent life.
But, as the gods of romantic comedies were as wicked as the many riajuus who littered the earth, such a situation was served to me on a grimy plate; and when I refused it vehemently, it was unceremoniously shoved down my throat. Bad did not even begin to describe its taste, and painful was an understatement to the discomfort it brought my stomach.
In any case, love would have to be 33% peer pressure, 33% delusion, 33% complications, and 1% hormones.
Peer pressure, at least the negative kind, would always be associated to the teenagers who ended up becoming early alcoholics, smokers, drug users, and gang members. The annoying insistence of the wrong sort of friends would suck up the submissive teen like a black hole, and then plunger him or her into a life full of regret. Conversely, a teenager who's been far too suppressed and controlled by his or her parents might start developing rebellious inclinations, and thus give in much more easily and readily agree with peer pressure.
Such a factor also plays a monumental part during high school. If just one of your friends assumes you like a girl for:
a) spending more time with her than is warranted;
b) giving her not-so-subtle looks, maybe from curiosity or such; or
c) being at the wrong place at the wrong time,
Then surely, you become the center of light teasing, which then evolves into a group effort of lumping you together with the said girl with a multicolored array of various jokes and innuendo. This collaborative effort makes you hyper aware of the girl, and may confuse you into believing that you actually like her!
Which brings us then to delusion.
Once the "fact" sets in that you do "actually feel something for her," then you start thinking about the what-ifs and the multitude of possible scenarios you should envision if you were to have a shot with her. Needless to say, the passing thought becomes a forest deeply rooted into your brain, producing illusions of love 24/7 and driving you deeper into the darkness.
Finally—complications.
What else is there left to say? After your thoughts capture you like a deeply connected alien symbiote [1], you finally become but a poor sap drawn into a poorly written script by the rom-com gods—a drama that consists of nothing but emotional crap after emotional crap, each far more complicated than before. Its a maelstrom of troubles, a clusterfuck of epic proportions with you in the middle.
Oh, and hormones? Way too obvious. No need to elaborate there.
In any case, I wasn't one of those fools who had succumbed to this unholy recipe for disaster—however, it was my misfortune that the rom-com gods did not look upon me so graciously, and as such, I had to dance to the piper's tune.
Regardless of what had happened, the pursuit of a genuine relationship, one of true love and understanding (I'm a closet romantic; sue me), would not occur until I went to university.
And even then, the rom-com gods hounded me there.
Sigh.
Such is the curse upon the males of the Hikigaya family. It must be some kind of running gag among the rom-com gods.
"Nana-chan."
As gay as my pet name sounded, not once did I ever complain to my wife. It was something she had come up with through painstaking effort, of course. Why, if I did complain, I'd be subjected to an Astral Finish [2] and mutilated ever so gloriously!
"Yes, dear?"
My 7shi senses are tingling! [3] Hikari's tone of voice… I recognized it. It was one of the many weapons women—women in a relationship, especially!—had in order to turn their spouses into cooperative goops and have them be enslaved for the sake of menial tasks that they consider to be just below them.
"We're a bit low on stock. Please do the groceries."
Even if she was my lovely angel Hikari-tan [4], I refuse to be controlled by such a weapon for such an unmanly task! I am the man of the house! I am Hikigaya Nanashi! Who the hell do you think I am?! [5]
"… I'm sorry, dear. I remembered that I had something to do. Why not have Hachiman do it?"
She raised a brow at me. Her bullshit detector must be at max—along with my flight-or-fight meter.
"Oh? It's such a convenient time for your work to just come up like that."
Cold sweat was already pooling on my back. "C-Convenient? Nothing of the sort, I assure you."
I could already see the ice crystallizing behind her eyes, accompanied by the a sudden drop in temperature in the kitchen.
The situation… it's turned quite bad, hasn't it?
What made it worse was that the kitchen in this household was practically this woman's domain. Despite not having much time to be here due to the constraints of work, Hikari's manipulation of this dimension was akin to that of a god's. Her grasp of every ingredient and kitchenware, their history and use, was on par (or perhaps, even surpasses) easily with the masters of the kitchen's craft.
—Unlimited Kitchen Works. [6] A formidable Reality Marble indeed.
The only defense I possess was a A++ Rank Riajuu Resistance, and it had no use whatsoever against my wife's tremendous skills. Such was the strength of Type-Hikari.
Sigh. I'm reminded once more that I married something far, far worse than an Avenger. [7]
I froze on my seat, drawn to the sight of my wife taking slow and measured steps to me, glasses lit up by reflected light. Every single fiber of my being screamed "DEAD END" if I didn't choose the proper response to the next option.
Well, if there was a next option to the dialogue.
"Nana-chan."
"Y-Yes?!" An unmanly squeak was elicited out of me, much to my displeasure—but the current fear was far outweighing whatever mental faculties I had.
Just as I thought I was about to finally follow Hitler and Stalin into the fiery pits of Hell and forever be damned, my wife threatens me into action through a less violent way of submission:
Hikari straddles me.
Her arms wrap around my neck, and her head tilts to the side so that her lips are located near my ears.
As seductive as it looked from a different angle, and as much as my manly instincts screamed "JACKPOT!", this wasn't as right as it seemed:
Her arms were coiling around me like pythons.
The warmth of her breath felt like a brush with Death.
And for the knockout blow? She whispers to me:
"Well… I thought I could've rewarded you later for… being such a model father for Hachi, y'know? I think I'll have to rescind that idea if, well… you'll be busy doing work."
Good lord.
Good lord.
This woman… just knew where to push my buttons. It wasn't fair, dammit!
"… I'm sorry."
Her fingertips trailed circles on my back. Ever. So. Slowly.
"I-I actually don't have work. None. At all." A soft giggle tickled my ears.
"Please let me do the groceries." She pulled away from my side, faced me, and gave me a smile that short-circuited my brain.
I'm sorry, Pride and Sloth. Please sink back to the depths of my mind as Lust is given free reign.
Contrary to the fact that I was a loner, I actually dated a couple of girls back in college.
Of course, as a carrier of the prestigious Hikigaya genes, I was blessed with above average height and devilish features that would surely ensnare any woman I wished ensnared—well, that was if they weren't fakes, of course.
Only Genuine Women who did not assume from first impressions and did not push expectations upon people were worthy to the Hikigaya name; as such, the process of sifting through the many women I have encountered was made easier for the fact that only Genuine Women could truly see what lay behind the Hikigaya Mystic Eyes (Rank EX). Surely, being able to attract the right one would be easy since they're now all filtered, right?
Wrong!
Society was composed of 99% normalfags, which meant that the phenomenon of widespread riajuu ruin was commonplace in every nook and cranny of the world. This blasted event is the reason why we of the fortunate 1% are left marginalized and ostracized; misunderstood and feared.
Relating back to my point, it is because of such a large percentage that it is definitely harder to find Genuine Women in society—let alone in a single university. What made it harder was that there existed Genuine Women who were disguised as riajuus, and were succumbing into the transformation of becoming one as well.
But, perhaps, the rom-com gods finally had some trace amount of mercy to actually throw me a bone and actually get me into three relationships—two failed ones, and the third resulting to a marriage and an eventual family.
Of course, back during the time the first two did occur, the rom-com gods made it sure that I received the message that they weren't making it any easier on me—in fact, these relationships were graciously provided for the reason that I was to suffer a lot more.
The women I dated before Hikari weren't actually that bad—but that didn't mean they were that good, either.
If I had to describe them, though, perhaps it would be, in anime and manga terms, yan—
"Ara, is that you, Hikki?"
My heart nearly gave out when I heard a familiar voice. A very familiar voice. And so, the rest of my body went into overdrive and poured all the remaining mana into my most useful skill.
Hiki-Stealth on max. Retreating. Do not make eye contact. Proceed to escape to the frozen goods selection.
"It is you!"
Hiki-Stealth compromised. Escape failed.
Reluctant as I was, I turned and faced the woman who had called out to me.
Damn you, rom-com gods! A married man shouldn't be punished like some shitty teenager deluded by hormonal romance!
"Fufu, it's been a while, hasn't it?" It has been a while, but her gorgeous looks haven't changed at all. In fact, doesn't it look like she got prettier?! What the hell?!
That kind of voice was something I wouldn't forget so easily—nor was her peach hair, her… bountiful assets, nor her cheerful demeanor. This woman, who would be the perfect example of a tier ?: Nice Girl, was one of the select few who I had come to know as without any kind of deceit upon their person whatsoever.
Genuine, to say the least.
But don't let the Nice Girl qualities fool you! The real form of this woman was selfish to the core, and was capable of going to great lengths to obtain what she wanted.
Source: Me.
I could say this with confidence because… I dated her before. Say hello to my first girlfriend.
"Yahallo, Hikki!"
"G-Good afternoon… Yuigahama-san."
[1] Spider Man. Spidey went dark for a bit with his stint with the black symbiote, which he got rid of soon and resulted in the creation of the villain Venom.
[2] BlazBlue. Astral Finishes can be performed when you've got a victory chance, and the enemy HP is at least 30%. Astral Finishes vary per character.
[3] Spider Man. If you seriously don't recognize this, I will hunt you down and feed you to Zaimokuza.
[4] My Little Sister Can't be this Cute! Kyousuke's way of addressing Ayase at times.
[5] Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. The series that pierces the heavens!
[6] & [7] Fate-verse. UKW is, as I understand, a running gag online about the sheer number of kitchen scenes in the Heaven's Feel route. Avenger is the supposed class that the Einzberns wanted to pull out on everyone during the 3rd Holy Grail War, but the process botched everything up and FUBAR'd the next Wars.
Soooooo… I just dropped a bomb. Hehehe. Don'tkillmeplease.
What prompted me to do this was a bout of inspiration from Bakuman. I just found it really funny and entertaining when the notion of the parents / adult characters pretty much knew one another!
As per what this story is headed for, it's pretty much AU at this point—especially with all the liberties I've been taking. However, that doesn't mean I'd be ignoring canon altogether. I still intend to make use of the elements present in canon, and meld it with this (crazy) AU.
For the genre, well, I know it doesn't feel all that OreGaIru-ish. Why is that? For the long time that I've been reading fan fiction, and through my immersion especially in OreGaIru, I've found myself wanting to just pen down a sort of brighter, comical, yet still engaging and rich narrative of OreGaIru. Not that I dislike the heavy drama and emotionally driven plot points of canon (I love it so much I might as well marry it!), but it's just that my vanillafag tendencies are pushing me to giving these characters a break from the weight they're given in canon. I mean, fan fiction, right? It's a chance to discover all these possibilities—what if it was like this, what if that was so, etc.
Long story short, I've come to spread my vanillafag virus—kidding!
Long story short, I've come to deliver a rom-com story filled with hijinks! If you're a more serious reader geared to the more emotional elements of OreGaIru, I'd like to share with you now that though those would still be present here in the long run, they won't probably be as heavy as those in the series or as those in other fan fictions, for that matter. Sorry if I disappoint anyone, but, yeah. It's what I wanna do with this.
Enough of that rant!
diceWW: And you've got a fan in me too! Thanks for the wonderful feedback!
lanceamida09: I'm glad you like my style of writing. :D This is also an experiment on how much I can do with a character so rarely touched upon (though he is a product of an OC creation and a canon, undiscussed character).
Sorashita Charyubi: His mom won't be just pure ice, though. You'll see. :D
ArmantusCumPinnae: I hope you like what I have in store for future relations!
Animeloverq8: We'll see more of it soon. Hehehehe.
Nignug: Glad you like it, sir or madam!
Slothful: Glad I didn't disappoint. Hope you stay around for the ride!
Chryshauzer: It stands to reason that if 8man is awesome, then why not make 8dad as badass? :D
TheLaughingStalk Lenny-Kun: Right back atcha!
SoreLoser: Thanks for the elaborate review, man! I appreciate it! Yeah, maybe I should have clarified it earlier that the story is AU, especially for people who were expecting something more in line with the plot in canon. But I hope you stay around long enough for when things get interesting enough!
Mono: Glad I was able to deliver. Thanks for taking the time to read. :D
jemuel23euel: Here's more. :D
Leave a review, drop a line! See you next chapter!