When they got back to the mansion Nero had wanted to stay awake, to talk to Fenris, comfort him. But he ended up passing out once he laid down on the elf's bed and it wasn't till several hours later that he woke up, only to find Fenris sitting by the fire. The same saddened expression on his face as had been there earlier.

He got out of bed and knelt in front of the elf, carefully placing his hand on Fenris' own. He searched his thoughts for something to say, but didn't get the chance to speak before Fenris did.

"I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging. But I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too, there is nothing for me to reclaim. I am alone." he said quietly.

Nero frowned, a little ashamed that that hurt so much, "you are not alone, Fenris."

Fenris looked at him sadly and didn't speak again for several minutes. "you heard what Varania said, i fought for these markings. I feel unclean, like this magic is not only etched into my skin, but it has also stained my soul."

"You do not need to know your past to live, Fenris. It's obvious that you are not the same person you were then. You are truly free now, you cannot let this stop you from enjoying it."

Fenris frowned and looked at his hands, "i do not feel free. Knowing what I know now...it's like a cage all it's own."

Nero didn't respond for several minutes, how could argue with that? He did not know what Fenris was feeling, he never would. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"You broke free of your previous chains, you can gain freedom from this too." Nero said encouragingly.

Fenris gave him a small, sad smile, " i doubt...maybe." he sighed, "i am disgusted with myself."

Nero furrowed his brow, "why?"

"I fought for these things," he said, motioning to himself, "I have been turned into a...a tool, of my own free will. I have killed people, horribly, for a man that i once admired. He was right, I adored him once, I adored him and he abused me, he took advantage of me, yet i continued to bow to his will. I killed innocent people for him, people that did nothing but help me in my time of need. I...I...venhedis." he sighed and put his elbow on the arm of the chair so that he could hide his face in his hand.

Nero waited for him to continue, and when he didn't he reached for Fenris' wrist, "Fenris..."

Fenris did not remove his hand, instead he spoke into it "I thought...back then...I had though...I had believed...I felt as though I loved him. I don't know if he ever truly raped me, I was always...ready...and willing. I would do what he asked because it was the only time he showed any affection for me. The rest of the time it was insults and punishment. He would convince me to do things for him, to him, in front of others, sometimes. Occasionally he would have me do things to them, and he would watch. Then later, he would say that he was hurt, that i would do something like that, and i would feel guilty and I would beg, and I would grovel and i would plead for him to forgive me. And he would let me, for hours, till he grew bored of it. Then he would take me and send me to my room. I believed him when he told me i wasn't smart enough to understand why he said and did the things that he did. I had wanted him...I had wanted him to..." He chocked and stopped speaking, his hand gripped his face tighter.

Nero's heart broke for the elf, and he reached for Fenris' free hand, entwined their fingers, and said "I'm sorry... you know it's not your fault."

Fenris swallowed hard and sniffled, "I know, but...now everybody knows and...it's like they know how weak and pathetic I was, how I really am."

"You are not weak, nor pathetic. You stood up to Denarius, you killed him with your own hands. Trust me. they do not think you are weak. No one believes that."

"Maybe everyone is wrong."

"Fenris..."

"If I was strong i wouldn't be so...so...whatever this is. If I was strong i would know what to do, I would know how to move on. For so long my life has been serving Denarius, running from Denarius, and then waiting for Denarius to find me so i could kill him. I waited, and I told myself, once he was gone, I could live, I could truly live as all free men do. But how do they live, Nero? With Denarius and Hadriana dead...where do I stand? What do I do? What is left? I defined my life with Denarius, he gave it purpose. And now...now..."

Fenris finally lifted his head from his hand and met Nero's eyes. Nero was unsurprised to find pain and grief etched on the elf's face, nor was he surprised to see red faintly rimming his eyes. He wished he could say something, do something, to rid this man of the pain that was crippling him so. But he knew that he couldn't, all he could do was listen if Fenris wanted to speak, leave if Fenris wanted to be alone, or stay if Fenris needed him there.

Fenris' eyes drifted to his free hand, and the lyrium burns on the palm of it, "even with Denarius dead...he has still left his scars on me. I will never be able to rid myself of his memory. There is an irony in that, that i would like to forget about him, when i once wished to remember everything."

"Do you remember? All of your past, I mean." Nero asked.

Fenris shook his head, "only bits and pieces. I wasn't much better before i was...branded with lyrium. I was still his slave, I still served him, I still idolized him. I was a good slave, I did as he asked proficiently, I worked hard for his approval. Back then he hardly spared me a glance, but i tried anyway. When he sent around word that he was looking for someone to be part of an experiment, and that he would offer a boon of whatever the winner wished...i participated. Both to make myself more important in his eyes, and to grant my mother and sister freedom. I felt that if they were free maybe he would think more highly of them, I thought they felt the way I did. I was so...ignorant."

Fenris frowned and motioned for Nero to move so he could stand, then he began pacing slowly while Nero stood by the fireplace and followed the elf with his eyes. Nero watched helplessly as Fenris grew slowly more agitated, the elf's hands began to shake and his face became even sadder. It almost seemed as though the light of the fire couldn't even touch him, he was so enveloped in his depression.

Fenris finally stopped pacing and took off his armor before crawling into the bed without saying a word. He lay motionless as Nero slowly approached and wondered if he shouldn't get in the bed with him...or was the elf's silence a sign that he wished to be left alone?

"Perhaps Denarius had always been right. Maybe I am an idiot." Fenris said quietly, "I had this idea, of what a family was like. Of unwavering loyalty and devotion. I had this stupid notion that my sister would be elated to see me again, and she would come to the mansion and tell me all about our childhood. That she would betray me, her brother, to become a magister...it's like she crushed every hope and dream that I had ever had. I feel empty, and numb...and...something else that I don't understand."

While Fenris spoke Nero carefully slid back into bed, trying carefully not to jar the elf. As if he was trying to get into bed without him noticing, he kind of felt like an idiot himself. He lay on his side and watched Fenris and his vacant expression that every couple of minutes would pinch as though he had been jabbed with a needle.

"I am a fool." Fenris muttered, "this world has nothing to offer me but pain, betrayal, and loss. Happiness is but a fleeting notion that I don't think I'm capable of understanding. What am I now? I knew what I was before, i was proud of it, escaping slavery was no small feat. My fight for freedom is done...i don't think i had ever believed it would be. I had this stupid notion about that too. I believed once I gained my freedom I would be ecstatic, i wouldn't have to hide anymore, i wouldn't have to look over my shoulder anymore. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted, without worrying if I would come back." Fenris squeezed his eyes shut and shuddered.

He hadn't expected Fenris to react like this either, not that he would admit it. Now that it was happening, it made sense. Fenris was in shock, Nero was certain of this. Only time would heal these wounds.

"I don't understand, what am I feeling? Shouldn't I feel some sort of happiness or elation?" Fenris asked suddenly, "for six years i wanted nothing more than to see that man dead. And it is done. What is wrong with me, that I can't enjoy it? When I think of him, and how he will never be able to hunt me down again I feel...sad...i feel loss?" He raised his eyebrows in shock and said, "I'm mourning him. I'm mourning his death."

Fenris lay there with such a bewildered expression for so long that Nero was almost certain he was frozen that way. Then the elf's face crumpled and he turned it into the pillow, to muffle his sobs. Nero wrapped his arm around Fenris and pulled him close, reminding himself of that night six years ago. The first time he had ever seen the other man cry.

...

Fenris was the first to wake up, Nero was still obviously exhausted from what had happened the day before and was snoring loudly. His eyes burned and his nose was stuffy and he had a terrible headache. He sat up with a quiet groan and flicked the blankets off of himself before heading to the wash basin to clean his face. When he was done that he dug through the armoir for a rag and left the room to blow his nose. He didn't want to wake Nero up and not just because he knew Nero needed more sleep.

He finished blowing his nose and returned to the room to stoke the fire. It was the only fire still going in the mansion and it was cold outside of the room. He would prefer to still be outside of the room, but he hated the cold.

After the fire was burning strongly again he sat down in a chair and stared blankly at the ceiling, Nero's snores becoming background music that he barely registered. He let his mind drift and eventually found himself wondering about Denarius again. How pathetic must he be to feel sadness about the death of a person that he despised? The entire notion was twisted, what was wrong with him?

And the night before, he had cried in front of somebody again. He already felt weak and having someone comforting and pitying him as he broke down just made him feel weaker. The security he had felt before was gone, and he felt fragile and exposed and hated every minute of it. He glared at the walls of the room.

I can't stay in here. He needed out, he needed to be alone. He had been confined to this damned mansion by fear for far too long, maybe if he went out in the wilds, where there were no walls, he would feel the true depth of his freedom. Maybe that's all that his problem was, he had been a slave even while he lived in these walls, they were making it difficult for him to grasp the truth.

He turned to look at Nero, I need to be alone for a while. He wanted to go out to the forest surrounding Kirkwall, he wanted to go alone. He didn't want any of his friends to come with him, and he didn't want Nero to come with him. He could only hope that Nero would understand his need to be alone to think and grieve and get over this entire mess.

He waited most of the day for Nero to wake up, and already had everything packed when he did. He explained slowly and carefully, with words that he had spent most of the day rehersing, why he needed to leave. Nero nodded and urged him to go, but he did not seem particularly happy about. Fenris frowned but left wihtout any more explanation. Things would be better when he returned.