[Hachiman]

Individuals are much like a scientist's worst fears come to life in an experiment—unpredictable, ever-changing, and subject to an endless number of unknown variations that make utterly less sense than a four-year old's crayon illustration. Isolation of a bacteria strain to study its reproductive cycle? Be my guest; observing the reactions exhibited by a sample of people towards existing social issues?

Sounds like a troublesome waste of time.

Perhaps both the most amazing and annoying thing about humanity in general is one's ability of self-cognizance. The freedom to form opinions, to make decisions, to make one's life as one dictated it so—all these forms of nondeterminism in activity throws a wrench into the well-oiled clockwork of life and creates some sort of organized chaos-slash-chaotic order that may as well be the very foundation existence bases itself upon.

Of course, being the idiot that I am, it was this that I had completely missed.

Where had I gone wrong with Yuigahama? How did I end up digging a grave entirely for myself? What was the likelihood that she would approach me still?

I asked myself these questions, and like a river cascading down a cliffside and into a thunderous, roaring waterfall, the answer came down on me forcefully:

I favored the situations leading to my liking under the assumption that, odds were, they would go to my liking.

Rumors spread like the plague at school regarding my "botched confession" with Orimoto. The girl in question would have no doubt just passed it off as some awkward story to her friends (without any ill intentions), and from there it had evolved into something else considering the overactive imaginations of pubescents and their propensity for embellishment.

That, and teenagers these days have nothing better to do than scrutinize the life of others, and take some twisted form of amusement from the misery other people drowned in.

But, I digress.

Those rumors spread because I had expected them to. I did not need any sort of engine to start it up and see what kind of reaction it garners from the masses—I had made the decision under the belief that Orimoto herself would be causal enough to start something even without meaning to, as she is the popular girl her image has become.

Yuigahama confronting me post-haste also worked with an assumption. I expected that she would confront me for answers regarding what I did (along with the actual message asking her to meet me), as I had come to infer from observing her that she simply did not simply let things go without reaching some sort of understanding from it. Case in point: she wished to confront Miura concerning her petty jealousy getting in the way of their friendship, which was a decision made from her understanding why Miura had begun acting as so.

Assumptions. Likelihoods. Expectations. Pretenses.

I wanted to understand people, and yet such a wish backfired almost immediately because I was working with assumptions. I ruled out unlikely scenarios just because of the thought that "they seem far too unlikely to happen in real life."

I went through this process entirely wrong.

People aren't non-cognizant test subjects. Feelings aren't just data. Scenarios aren't as deterministic as choosing A, B, or C. I jumped in disregarding all of these, and in the end I had gone to an attempt (and to an extent succeeded) in manipulating the relationship between two unsuspecting girls in order to satisfy my desires.

It was utterly disgusting to me, now that I've reflected.

Partaking in the circumstances surrounding individuals within the scope of a relationship was being too nosy and presumptuous. It wasn't my business to butt in that situation, and from the viewpoint of another colleague of theirs, perhaps, their thinking would be along the lines of "who does this guy think he is?!"

The right to interfere was not mine, nor anybody else's. To understand another person, and the relationships and circumstances that followed that individual, meant that a relation with them should first be established. Know them, spend time with them, come to terms with the person that they are. And once that bears fruit, then an understanding can be reached.

I'm not so far gone with my ideals and notions to wish for a world where a complete understanding can be reached and no one would be hurt. No—with the complete objectivity needed with the case regarding individuals, realism still needs to be considered. Compromises will not be permitted, because such things end up with no one getting what they want and are dissatisfied.

I wish to understand people. I wish to form genuine relationships, where the need for lies and deception is non-existent. This is not perfect. This is not easy. People will get hurt, and I—moreso.

But there isn't anything to stop me from still lessening the pain from those who'd get hurt. Bonds are, after all, to be treasured. Who am I to suddenly just forget the ones hurt?

It's quite unfair, a part of my brain says. You got hurt before, and they forgot you like the passing dust in the wind. Irrelevant. Insignificant. A tumbling cog that doesn't fit with the rest of the clockwork, left on the floor to rust away and forgotten to the sands of time. Do as they did, a vengeful part of me whispers. Those who hurt you and wish to cut ties should also be left forgotten. They deserve it.

Despite that nagging voice, a part of me stays vehemently against such a notion. It was a cycle of hate—simple as that. To be hated, and then to hate; it inspires nothing more than an endless string where no true relationships can be made. The notion of trying to understand others is foreign. The pursuit of truth between two people is naught but a jest.

I didn't want to be bitter. I didn't want to hate. I didn't want to become part of a cycle that denied my fervent wishes of the heart.

Accepting that there are those who cannot mesh with you is an understanding. To move on from such a fact means that one is capable of freeing themselves from the shackles of bitterness and hate. With that in mind, I'd like to think that I am at least mature enough, capable of such things despite whatever pain lies ahead.

For the umpteenth time, I turned over the piece of paper in my hand, something given to me by my father. His handwriting, sharp and precise strokes that curved ever so slightly (it unnerves me that even our handwriting is so damn similar), formed numbers for a household phone number, underneath the residence name:

{Yuigahama Residence}

I sighed. Really, I should stop doing so—I'm starting to feel like an old man! This was a way to clarify whatever was misunderstood with, at the very least, but the main intention here is for me to apologize to Yuigahama for what I had done. She wasn't nice because she was obligated to be nice for others, but because inherently she was someone who grew up being so. She didn't deserve being used like that for my sick and twisted wants, and I have to make sure that that point gets across.

The phone rang—once, twice; my heartbeat sped up and I wanted to slam the phone down and rethink doing this. But I quashed down whatever traitorous thoughts came up, and anxiously waited for someone to pi—

[Hello~! This the Yuigahama residence. May I ask who's calling?]

My mind stalled a few seconds, surprised at the bubbly voice that spoke from the other side. What a carefree sounding person, I thought.

"E-erm, g-good morning. This is Hikigaya—"

[Huee?! Hikki?!]

What kind of name is that?! "Hikigaya Hachiman. My father was the one who gave me your contact details, since I wanted to talk to your daughter."

[O-oh. Fufu, please excuse my outburst! You sound a whole lot like your father when he was younger, you know? It brings back some really good memories~! Oh, where are my manners! This is Yuigahama Yuno, Yui's mother. You wanted to speak with my cute daughter, was it?]

"A-ah, yes; is she home? I don't want to intrude if she's busy." The sheer energy this woman was exuding was… peculiar, to say the least. Just how did she know dad?

[Yes, she's definitely home! And no, she's definitely free! Ara ara, this daughter of mine, not telling her mother she knew such a gentleman as yourself. It saddens me, she's growing up too fast… Oh but I'm rambling, aren't I? Please wait while I fetch her!]

… What a person, this mother is. Over the line I could practically here her excitedly calling her daughter over, followed by a surprised outburst from said daughter. Gee, my low-powered AA self can't match these Duracell brands…

[… Hikki? What was it you wanted?]

I gulped. You could hear the trepidation from Yuigahama's voice from over a mile away. My mind was in a rush. The piece I had composed vanished from the top of my head, and my voice refused to cooperate.

Could I fix this? Whatever this relationship was. Even if it wasn't friendship, but something born out of some mutual partnership, what I did left a nasty taste in my mouth and I didn't want that ruining what could be something hopeful if I nurtured the fragile link between me and Yuigahama.

Yes, we weren't friends, and we were barely acquaintances; but who said I wanted it to stay that way?

"Yuigahama. Are you free today? I wanted to meet up—to talk, about what happened. And to explain some things. What I did, and what could've gone wrong; I want to apologize for it and explain myself. You don't have an obligation to forgive me, but if you'll be willing to give me a chance… well. Please."

[…]

Anxiety flowed up and down my body like an unwanted poison, pooling discomfort from head to toe. The silence on the other side was pretty damning, and the guilt that came with it was deafening enough to contrast with the quiet.

[G-Got it. Wanna meet up by the local aquarium? We could talk there. I wanna hear what Hikki has to say.]

The tension eased out of me. Finally, a small shard of hope dangled in front of me, tied to the most fragile-looking of strings. It hung so precariously, spinning ever so slowly, and the fear that it might snap before I could go reach for it came across my mind ever so fleetingly.

But, no, I don't want that. I'll make sure to catch it. Even if the string does snap and that gem falls, I'll be sure to jump for it and take hold of it, even if it meant that I had to crash and burn. Things as fragile as relationships work ever so similarly, and even if whatever I had going with Yuigahama—no, Yui—was as small as a molehill, who's to say it can't ever be a mountain?

She was different. I could sense that. There was some quality to her similar to a rough cut of some mined stone, that needed some polishing in order to its real value to surface.

And Yui's value can only ever be brought out through a genuine, human connection. One that has to be nurtured with experiences, hardships, laughter, tears, and every headache and joy that came with being with other people.

I wanted to see that. Nothing comes out from rejecting possibility. I might have denied such a thing with my classmates and Orimoto, what with the bitterness that still crept through me from traitorous thoughts leading to them, but I'm not going to let that go with Yui.

If I did, something was telling me I would be regretting it. For the rest of my life.

"Thank you. I'll see you later then. Take care, Yuigahama."

Short, but all I can give out for now.

I'm sorry for the extremely long absence. Life has been punishing, dreadful, and all sorts of nasty, but we gotta tough it out. No giving up. I've been sick a lot, and since I'm in my graduating year, I have to take care of my health since it's also thesis year. But that's not gonna stop me soon—no sir.

Updates will be more sporadic, but I've got several write-ups on this already on-going. For those who still stick around for the ride, thank you very much for not giving up on me. I'll be a while with writing, but I'll make sure to deliver just for you guys who are invested in this just as I am. I'll be updating Stalwart soon enough, as well.

Til next time.