My my, I've certainly got you guessing ;)
LV
XX
It was getting light and had been for some time. I crept over to the bed where Jack lay sleeping. He was turned towards the side he'd left empty for me. I slipped in between the sheets. Jack stirred but did not wake. In his sleep he looked troubled. I looked at him and began to cry, unable to hold back the barrage of tears. I touched his cheek and whispered before turning my back to him. Looking at him was too painful for me to bear. I cried harder than ever as the words I had whispered to him sunk in, "Jack… It's not been as long as I'd have liked. I wanted forever, but you can't always get what you want, can you? I think we may be coming to an end. I love you and I'm sorry."
I closed my eyes, but it didn't stop the tears. In the room next door I heard Hugh climb back into his bed and even though Jack was asleep and oblivious to me I felt the need to whisper my apology once more, just so he knew how sorry I truly was.
I didn't sleep again after returning to bed. I watched the room get lighter and lighter through my tears and tried to think of what to do next. How to act, what to say and when to say it. I curled up under the blankets in an attempt to comfort myself, but there was no escaping the blanket of pain, fear and self-pity I had wrapped around myself. Eventually I cried myself out and just lay in the growing light feeling numb to my core and hoping that time would just stop. Or go backwards, I'd like that. I stared into oblivion feeling the hours tick by until Jack's warm arm wrapped around me. The second I felt it, I shut my eyes. I wanted him to think I was asleep. He pulled himself closer, so that he could lie with me without waking me up. His warm body pressed against mine and his familiar scent that gently enveloped me almost set me off again. I almost whispered another apology.
We lay like this for some time. I concentrated on my breathing, making it even and deep like it would be if I were really asleep. He let me "sleep" for ages and then after a while I felt his lips on my right temple. He gently kissed his way down the side of my face, something that usually woke me up quite pleasantly, but today I pretended to sleep through it even when he reached my neck. It was only when he softly called for me did I pretend to stir, deciding that I could put off the inevitable no longer. I wondered how I could possibly face him, but when the sickening dread inside me rose like a wave and I opened my eyes it became very easy to lie. Even though my heart was breaking inside I smiled like nothing was wrong. Our eyes met and my mask was on.
"Sorry, love," he said, reminding me that we had even fallen out in the first place. And there it was, the perfect way to disguise myself. Hide how I felt and buy me more time. I pulled away from him and stood up. I did my best to ignore the blood rushing around my head and clouding my vision, letting me know I'd stood up far too fast. My head was aching from lack of sleep, but I still focused on putting one foot in front of the other and maintaining a haughty silence. I opened the door and stepped straight into Hugh.
"Oh," he said after a long silence.
"Yeah," I chewed on my lip. "I'm just…."
"Yeah, I'm…." he indicated to his left. I nodded and stepped round him. I walked quickly away even though I had no idea where I was going. I didn't look back at him to see if he was watching me, even though I really wanted to.
"Belle?"
Shit, he'd found me. I looked up and said nothing. He sighed. "I'm sorry…" I looked back down at the table. "I don't know what else to say."
My stomach twisted itself into even tighter knots. I smiled over the tears threatening to make an appearance. I saw the relief in his face and stood to hug him. "It's alright," I said, even though what I desperately needed was for him to say those words to me. For a split second everything was almost normal again, but then I saw Hugh over Jack's shoulder. He was leaning against the doorframe, just watching. I froze. He held my gaze for a moment, raised his eyebrows and turned to leave. I closed my eyes and tried to recapture that almost normal moment, but it was long gone.
"Jack," Hugh's voice made me jump. My eyes snapped open and I stared at him, silently praying what he was about to say to Jack had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Jack stiffened and turned to his brother. Behind his back, I shook my head at Hugh and prayed he understood. Hugh indicated behind him. "Dad wants you."
"Right," Jack muttered and walked out, storming past Hugh. I hoped Hugh would leave too, but he didn't. I even looked away from him so that there was no awkward eye contact and he didn't feel like he had to start a conversation. It didn't really work out the way I had planned. Nothing ever worked out the way I had planned.
"You have to tell him," he said quietly. I looked up. My stomach twisted sharply. I nodded.
"I know."
"He'd find out sooner or later."
"I know" I repeated. Hugh opened his mouth again, but I cut across him. "I just don't want to tell him yet."
"I'm serious, if you don't tell him, I will."
"Not yet!"
"Why not?"
I sighed, "You know how he'll react, Hugh!"
He softened. "Yeah… yeah, I do." There was a silence. "So, what now?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Pretend everything's normal."
He nodded and stepped into the kitchen to stand beside me. He put a comforting arm around my shoulder. "It's alright," he said.
"No, it isn't."
"No," he agreed. "But it will be."
I smiled, but neither agreed nor disagreed with him. Footsteps echoed outside the door and I leapt away from him. Jack's head popped round the door seconds later. He did not look happy. He looked at Hugh, then me. "Time to go," he announced. Hugh sprang forward.
"Finally," he muttered.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"To scatter the old bitch," Jack's nose wrinkled.
"Do you mean our Grandmother, Jack?" Hugh was a tad icy. Jack did not react. "You don't have to be here you know."
"Dad wants me here."
"If he didn't we could have done this weeks ago, rather than waiting for you."
"Sorry about that," I said in order to cover Jack's undoubtedly ruder comeback.
"That's alright, honey. You were worth the wait," Hugh winked at me. I froze up and opened and closed my mouth like a fish. Jack exhaled sharply. Hugh was still grinning, then he looked at Jack. "Oh, relax! It's just harmless flirting, Jack… no need to worry… unless you think you have a reason to be worried?"
"No," Jack said coldly and came to pull me away from Hugh. His arms went protectively full-circle around me and he kissed my forehead. I widened my eyes at Hugh as he did so.
'What are you doing?' I mouthed, 'Acting normal' was the reply and I relaxed. I smiled and looked up at Jack. He kissed me and everything felt right. Then Hugh interrupted.
"Er… hello? We do have somewhere to be, you know!"
Jack and I broke apart in time to catch Hugh rolling his eyes. I laughed. Jack didn't. We followed him out to where the rest of the family were gathered outside.
I felt like an intruder. I wanted to be there for Jack, but this was a family funeral and I was an outsider. I didn't really have a place in this private affair. We walked for about half an hour until we reached the top of a cliff where wild grass grew right to the edge. Teague announced it was the highest point on the island. It looked right out onto an expanse of turquoise ocean. Anne brought forth an urn and, crying, she took a handful of ash right to the very edge of the cliff. She slowly unclenched her fist and the grains of ash escaped and were snatched away by the wind. The she broke down.
It was strange to see how each family member reacted to it. Anne was in tears. Bart stayed as strong and silent as ever, not uttering a word but betraying a hint of sorrow in his eyes. John muttered something dark about how the time of ashes being scattered to the wind would one day be upon all of us and most of us wouldn't be as lucky enough to live as long as his Grandmother. It was the most serious I had ever seen Rod. He didn't say anything and a smile did not touch his usually cheerful face. Kate was crying, Gregory and their children were all around her, supporting her every move… a real family unit. What was interesting was that while the younger of Jack's siblings (especially Anne) were sorry to see their Grandmother go, Jack and Hugh were not upset. They showed no emotions whatsoever. Jack had been tense all the way up the hill and through the forest. He was as unreadable as a rock as he walked to the urn and then the top of the cliff, but once the ash had left his fingers he relaxed. His hand seemed warmer when he took mine and when I looked at him it seemed like there had been a great weight lifted from him. Something he'd been carrying for a while. He had stopped running from his past. He had finally let go, finally moved on. Closure.
The house was strangely quiet that night. The family were reflecting on things in their own way. There was none of the drinking and hilarity of the night before. Hardly anyone spoke, including the children and we all went to bed pretty early. I had stayed by Jack's side most of the day, but just as we were retiring to bed Hugh caught my arm. His eyes were serious, his voice low.
"I'm just next door if you… you know, want me," he glanced around to make sure no one was listening. I nodded but said nothing, moved on and went to lie with Jack.
I told myself that I wouldn't see Hugh again that night, but it wasn't long until I lost Jack to a sleep I could not seem to follow him into. I stared into the darkness for hours, facing away from him and feeling the time passing by. Before the sun rose I crawled out of bed and, leaving Jack sleeping, I knocked on Hugh's door.
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