I thought about running. I didn't know where, but for a brief moment I looked at one of the dark side paths trodden into the thick undergrowth and I longed to run and run and run and never stop, not until I had disappeared into the darkness. So lost I couldn't find myself. But that wouldn't happen. I would end up alone, and eventually have to go back. Or Teague would send people looking fir me and Jack. They would only find me and want to know why. Hugh would know, he would tell them.
I looked for help, wanting to move, but not wanting to go back. It was then that I properly saw the emptiness in front of me. Jack wasn't there, he wasn't ever going to be near me again. My knees buckled and I felt the damp grass under me before I realised I had collapsed. I was shaking too much to even think about running now. How quickly things had changed. A second had been all it took to ruin my life. A part of me had been stupid enough to think that he'd be alright about it. And now that part of me twisting and writhing in agony. Pain erupted inside me and screamed its way out. My nails dug into the grass, ripping it up again and again. My sobs were loud, they choked me and the pain was so much I screamed for just a few seconds of relief.
I was glad that my surroundings were so dense. The thick wall acted as a barrier between me and the rest of the world. It cut me off from the sound, sight and smell of everyone else. Without the distractions of other people it was easier to focus on myself. It was like I was the only person alive. I didn't want to move from where I was. Going back to where there were other people would mean talking about what happened. When I was the only person in the world it didn't seem as real as it would if I had to explain it to other people. If other people knew it would make it final…real. To share the moment that had just happened with anyone else wouldn't feel right at all. It was my moment, my business. I shouldn't have to tell anyone, but they'd want to know. I'd have to explain what happened, even though I was the only person directly affected. They would probably guess. They knew his sense of family loyalty was… no! Don't get bitter, I don't want to be was nothing worse than being bitter and alone.
Except I wasn't really alone... I rested a hand on my stomach and suddenly the pain was almost bearable. The tears slowed to a trickle and I felt stronger. This child was mine, but it was also Jack's, so although I had to leave him, I got to take a tiny bit of him with me. I had to look after him or her. They were mine and I would be strong for them. It was my responsibility. I vowed never to blame them for Jack leaving, but only to love them. I also vowed not to blame Jack for the child. I knew there and then how important this child was to me and that I would never, not even for a second, make it feel unloved or unwanted. It may not have been completely planned, but it had been made in love and so I would love it. It was not, nor would it ever be, the child's fault that it's father had left. It wasn't even Jack's fault. It was mine and mine alone.
I read it over. It didn't sound right, but it would have to do. It was too hard to put what I was feeling into words. The letter felt pathetic in comparison. I hesitated before I put it in a grubby little envelope I had found at the bottom of a drawer. It took all my effort to fold it up and slide it in. I slipped the flap in at the back and wrote his name on the front. I stared at it for ages, feeling its weight in my hands. It seemed to me to be getting heavier.
Dear Jack,
I know that this isn't what you wanted. I know it's the last thing on your mind, but to me it seems inevitable that something like this would happen. Usually, with marriage comes family and I assumed that you had thought about that before you married me. It seems I was wrong. Maybe that's my fault. I shouldn't have assumed that you were on the same page as me or that you would see this coming.
I want you to know that I don't blame you. I don't resent you. None of this is you're fault. I should have been more careful when I thought about what the consequences of marrying you would be. Don't worry. I don't want anything from you. I don't expect money or for you to visit. I'll get by somehow. You've never thought about, wanted or liked children and I don't want to burden you with it by demanding that you're involved. That would be unfair. I don't want to clip your wings and tie you down to something that is not your fault. I couldn't take away the happiness and freedom that you love, so I am left with no choice but to leave you. I wish things could have worked out differently, but if you have taught me anything it's that there is always a way to survive. We'll be alright, me and the baby, I know it.
If you ever want to find us, you can. I'll let Teague know where I am once we're settled. Do not feel obliged to visit, but my door will always be open to you. When our child asks about you, I will tell them the truth; that you are a brave and brilliant man. I will tell them about our adventures, how we met. I'll make sure they dont resent you for leaving us or blame you in anyway.
I'm sorry things worked out like this. It's my fault. I should have thought it through. I should have talked about it with you first, before we even got married. That is my only regret- not talking about it. I neither regret nor resent being pregnant. I do not regret marrying you and above all I do not regret loving you. I will always love you, Jack. Always. You are the one thing in my life that I love more than life itself and that is because you are the one that makes it worth living. You have made me happier than I ever thought was possible. I honestly do not know how I survived without you, or how I'll continue to live without you in my life. I suppose I will have to find out. I have more than myself to think of now. I have our child to think about.
I will miss you more than I can bare, but somehow I will bare it. Never doubt that I love you, not even for a second. Remember me, but please do not feel guilty. You owe me nothing but to live a lifetime of happiness. You will often be in my thoughts and always in my heart.
All my love,
Izzy
Xxx