Against All Odds

Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly

A/N:

Chapter 46 (Wedding Plans)

"So who is going to give you away in the wedding?" Jessica asked. Sasha lifted her eyes from the papers in her hand, she'd just got through talking with the advisors at the college, and was really excited about attending when the semester started up. She was thrilled about the degree plan, and was getting excited about the concept of getting her degree, though it would be about four years.

Currently they were driving around the town, just admiring all of Florida. She'd never before been so elated. She felt almost like a chatty schoolgirl, after all, her dreams were all beginning to come true. She was getting married to a fantastic man, had a great family, was beginning college, and was actually contemplating the thought of a job. Although, Jessica said she may want to consider not working and just going to school while she dealt with her pregnancy, but it was just a consideration. "I'm not sure, the Dads usually do that, don't they?"

"Yes, and you were saying that your own dad is out of your life, right?" She slowly nodded her head and glanced out of the glossy window. She would have loved to know her father, to really get to know him. Nowadays she could care less and less about the man. "I wonder that Ken or Dad wouldn't mind giving you away at the wedding. Now you said you guys were thinking of a spring wedding?"

"Yes. May 1st. About a month after my birthday. You think your brother could hand me over to Spencer? I don't really know anyone else…Carly's going to be my Maid of Honor." Jessica nodded and turned onto a street with a large body of water on the right side. Sasha gasped softly and her lips curled up at the corners. "This really is a beautiful state. Warm too." One thing that had been a total shock for her, that the temperature was in the comfortable seventies during winter. "You really don't get that all that much. I mean, I've never been outside Washington enough to know what it's like…First time ever really feeling warm, you know?"

Jessica smiled at her and reached over, rubbing her shoulder. She was talking about so much more than the physical temperature. Her blood was warm, her senses danced just as much as she wanted to dance in the sun, the birds were chirping both in her mind and outside. "I understand that. I'm really happy you're here."

"Thanks." Sasha put her chin on her closed hand and closed her eyes as Jessica rolled the window down. She smiled as the warm air breezed through her hair and against her face. "If you don't mind me asking…why didn't you ever date or get married after Robert?" She opened her eyes and looked to Jessica. The woman frowned and let her eyes fall to the steering wheel. Sasha felt a sudden pang of guilt at bringing back any painful memories. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. There are some things I don't really like to talk about. That man is…a monster. That's just putting it lightly." Sasha frowned and watched Jessica's body tremble. What exactly had that man done to her? She couldn't help but to wonder. Physical and emotional abuse was bad enough, taking away her children was the worst thing that she could ever even fathom, but did he do something else that Jessica had never bothered to say? "He doesn't deserve to be in the military, and his superiors are already stating the process of discharging him from the military. As for why I've never dated or married…I tried to date, but I just couldn't."

"Couldn't? He didn't try to keep you from seeing other people, did he?" Jessica shook her head. Her eyes started to mist and her head turned away from Sasha.

"I've only tried to date three different times. The first man I dated, he did threaten. After we split, that guy just disappeared. I don't even know what happened there." A chill ran down Sasha's spine and her heart began to sink down. "The other two men were looking for something a little more than just a relationship."

"Moving too fast…"

"Yeah…I honestly never married and gave up on dating because I just can't stand them. Being touched, being around them, I just don't trust them. I find it so hard to trust them after the things Robert put me through."

"I think you're a great person." Jessica looked over and curved her lips into a tiny smile. "Beautiful, strong, and if you met the right man, the right man would treat you right and be lucky to have you."

"If you say so." Jessica wiped her eye and took a sharp breath, exhaling slowly. "Anyway, let's talk about the wedding!" Sasha smiled at her and nodded her head, she would be glad to change the subject. She understood how difficult it was for her, as her own mother had been put through very similar troubles. Though, it was all in a different light. She did wonder if one of those deep rooted traumas was one thing that she was using, and reason for not wanting Spencer to know all the details.

"The wedding…right. I said Carly was going to be the Maid of Honor there, I don't know what to do about the bridesmaids, if I have to have any there. I don't know anyone. Spencer wants Socko as the best man, and he's at a loss as to who the groomsman should be." Sometimes they weren't even necessary in weddings, but she always wanted at least one bridesmaid whenever she got married. She didn't want to ask all of Spencer's family to participate, but hell, at the rate it was going, this was certainly what may happen.

"It's amusing to picture Spencer's friend Socko walking along that aisle with Carly." Sasha raised an eyebrow and imagined as most weddings went, the Best Man and Maid of Honor typically walked arm and arm down the aisle. Next, the Groomsmen and Bridesmaids followed. Also at most weddings, and she had thought about it, but there was sometimes a dance between the Maid of Honor and Best Man. She chuckled nervously and pictured Socko dipping Carly and spinning her around.

"That's a bit of a disturbing thought, actually. Spencer had thought of asking Gibby to be a Groomsman, but being all the way in Florida, we're not sure how that would work."

"You never know. If you did that, you could always have Carly be a Bridesmaid, but then you'd have to figure out who could be the Maid of Honor." She pressed her lips together and hummed thoughtfully. Was there even a chance of there being anyone else as a Maid of Honor?

As she rubbed her chin, she thought of her life growing up. All throughout her years, she would have gone crazy if she'd been forced alongside her mother without any help whatsoever. She'd have gone insane, with there being nobody else to know or understand her plight. There was that one person, her childhood best friend. "Well…" When she was a kid, the strip club her mother worked at, her mom had a close friend named 'Candy', and Candy had a young daughter. The two were friends for a long time, so Sasha and Candy's daughter, Erin, spent a lot of time together. They literally grew up together, close as sisters, and it was Erin that introduced her to video game arcades. When Sasha's mother passed, Candy moved away, and Erin moved away too. "I did have a best friend for nearly twenty years. Hell, we talked about all the things that girls talk to their girlfriends about, even each other's fantasy weddings." She laughed slightly and smiled at the memory of sitting on a soot smelling bed, reading through magazines of old.

"Really? What happened to her?"

"Her mom moved away when we were twenty." Sasha smacked her lips and moved her eyes to the side. She always wondered what would happen if she could find her, but she'd put that life behind her for so long. "I think she was going to go to college somewhere, but I don't know…It's a shame, really."

"You've never looked her up?"

"I wanted to put that life behind me. I despised my mom almost as much as I despised my dad, but…I kind of see that she did everything she could…" She missed her mother, she couldn't help it. She was really starting to feel alone when it came to that woman, it was difficult to explain, but whenever she thought of the woman, she was nearly brought to tears. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened…if I saw my mother more as someone who tried her best to take care of me in a hard time, rather than someone who…ruined my life…The things I'd say to her. How disappointed she must be in me, I imagine the tears on her face in her last days, and I just…" A shiver shot through her body, her eyes dropped to her feet, and her hands started to close. "You think she'd forgive me?"

In those final moments of her mother's life, Sasha made sure she knew just how fucked up everything had become. She told her mother time and time again that it was better for her to just pass along than to sell her body the way she'd been doing, that she'd be better off without. Now, it wasn't the case so much, and her mother really had done everything possible to make sure Sasha survived. All the woman ever wanted to do was survive, to let her daughter survive, and that goal had been achieved.

Sasha felt terrible about those days, and when it finally sank in that she could never tell her mother she wanted to take those words back, she tried to just push it all away. The more she pushed, the more the people and places surrounding her seemed to fade away. "Do you forgive her, though?" Sasha lifted her eyebrows and felt a sudden shaking inside, as her heart mourned. "Mothers care for their young, no matter what. I'm sure she knew what you were going through, and I'm sure she felt bad for putting you through that…she probably loved you more than anything."

"Yeah, she did what she could…and I guess if I had the chance to see her, I would tell her I'm sorry. A part of me loved that woman, because no matter what, she always made sure I was fed and that I had a place to sleep."

"Then, I'm sure she knows that, and I bet she'd be smiling down on you right now. I mean look at where you're at right now." Jessica smiled at her and she leaned her head back against the headrest. She breathed out and slowly closed her eyes. Her heart rose as she pictured her mother holding her in her arms.

The seventh hotel to turn away Rachel Rodriquez and her young six-year old daughter. Sasha looked up to her mom as they sat beneath the outside roof of some abandoned shed along the highway. Rachel was gazing out at the heavy rain. The woman's large, curly black hair covered her tired face and slumped shoulders. Her shirt was soaked, and her arms revealed years of drug abuse. "Mommy, why doesn't Daddy help us?" The woman gazed down at her with a sad smile, then led her inside.

The shed smelled like smoke and manure. In the center was a haystack and a dry blanket that Rachel took from behind some house before the rain started. "You'll understand when you're older…did you enjoy your McDonalds, Sasha?" Sasha bowed her head and looked to her hand, she still had one chicken nugget left. Her mother had not eaten. She lifted her hand up and opened it, revealing the last chicken nugget. Rachel frowned and raised an eyebrow. "You didn't finish your supper?"

"Please eat, Mommy. I don't want you to starve."

"Mommy's not going to starve dear, please finish your supper. A growing young girl needs her food."

"I don't want it Mommy, I want you to eat. I won't eat it!" Thunder roared from outside and Sasha jumped, screaming in terror. The nugget fell onto the ground and she let out a loud cry. "No!" Tears welled up in her eyes and she felt her mother pull her into a hug, whispering softly into her ear.

"It's okay sweetheart…let's sleep…" Sasha continued to weep as her mother pulled her to the blanket and laid down with her. She stared at the defiled nugget as the blanket wrapped around her, bringing some warmth into her body. She began to relax as her mother started to hum a lullaby to her. Maybe things would be better for them tomorrow, maybe in a year, but what if things never improved? What if she never had that Prince Charming come and sweep her and her mother away?

"Mommy…" She sniffled and cuddled closer to her Mom's chest. "I'm scared."

"I know baby. As long as I'm with you, you'll be safe…"

Sasha opened her eyes, tears were running down her cheeks and her breathing had become heavy. Jessica had parked the car alongside Carly's school, and was watching her quietly. "Are you all right?"

"Just…an old memory…" She quickly wiped her eyes and leaned forward, trying to shake the memory from her mind. "I…was just a teenager when Mom died. God knows teenagers put their parents through hell. I just never knew my mom would die…Candy and Erin did everything they could to accommodate me for the next few years, until they eventually moved. I know I have Erin's number saved somewhere, but that was nearly ten years ago…I doubt it's still her same number."

"You saved it?"

"Yeah…" Sasha pulled her purse up from in between the seats and smiled slightly. "I've had this same purse for years, and there's a little notebook inside that I've used for phone numbers." She reached in and pulled out a tiny notebook. It had several numbers on it, most of which probably didn't even exist anymore.

"Again I ask, why have you never called up Erin and talked to her?"

"I did once, but that was years ago…I doubt she thinks about me much anymore. I didn't call her back because I assumed she was trying to forget about that life too. Her life was going well, she'd gone through college and had a well paying job as a veterinarian…"

"Well when you talked to her then, how did she sound? If you two were like sisters when you were young, then certainly she wouldn't forget you."

"Maybe." She flipped through the notebook, filled with nostalgia and fear as she scanned the numbers. She came to Erin's old number. Her heart slammed inside her chest and she felt as someone were hitting her hard in the gut. A void filled inside and her hands trembled. What would happen if she called Erin? What was the worst that could happen? If she called her, did it mean she accepted her past? Did it mean she was willing to move along from that life? "Maybe I'll call her tonight…see if the phone number's still in existence."

"If so, it'd be good for you to reconnect." She smiled and slowly nodded her head. There was absolutely no denying it would be great to reconnect with Erin. Plus, if possible, maybe she could even ask Erin to be her Maid of Honor.

Ooh, going to reconnect with an old friend. How sweet