When adrenaline hits, the first thing that leaves Jane is her hearing.

She reaches out to her son and pulls him across the threshold with one hand. Her father is not holding him back. He looks up at her and he says something, but she doesn't understand. She shakes her head.

Get in the car.

TJ starts to come forward, as though Jane has called (has she called? She doesn't know) and Frank holds out his arm to stop him.

Get in the car.

And her father's finger is in her face, and he's still holding her nephew back and the look on his face is Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, and now she can hear herself.

She is yelling. "Get in the car! GET IN THE CAR! LET HIM GET IN THE FUCKING CAR, POP. YOU WILL LET HIM GO, OR I WILL MAKE YOU."

And then they are in the car.

She can't feel her feet.

She texts Maura 911 and the response is not immediate so she does it again.

And then again.

"Mama?" Noah, in the back seat of her cruiser. Safe.

She thinks she must have put him there, his cousin beside him. Did she tell them to buckle their seatbelts?

"B-buckle your seatbelts," she says.

She texts Maura again and then puts her head down on the steering wheel, trying to quiet her pounding heart. The world slows its spinning.

You're not going anywhere you little shit. You think I don't know what you're up to? You think I don't know what dykes like you do?

"Mama?" Noah again. Tearful.

Jane straightens. She looks at the faces of her nephew and son in the back seat. They both look shaken. Noah looks terrified. Did she do that? Had they looked that way when the door opened?

"We have to go to the precinct," she says, and she clears her throat. "I'm sorry-I-I'm sorry for yelling."

"Mama, that man was Grampa?"

Jane closes her eyes.

"Do your seatbelts," she says. Has she told them this? "We're going to the precinct."

…...

Maura and Frost are standing by her desk when she enters, and she can see they both look concerned, that Maura's expression is bordering on frantic. She looks down at her phone to see four missed calls in the last ten minutes.

It's Frost who sees her first, stepping forward, and then stopping when he sees TJ and Noah trailing behind her.

Maura doesn't stop. She nearly runs up to Jane. "You sent several 911 texts," she says, her voice low. "I came up here, but Frost said he didn't know where you were." She glances at Tommy and TJ who have stopped a couple of paces behind Jane. "Are you okay?"

Jane opens her mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. She has just been visited by a vision of her father yanking Noah's custom Jordan's off his feet.

What are these? Custom shoes? What is this sissy shit?

"Oh my God," she says.

"Jane?" Maura puts her hand on her arm. "What happened?"

Jane turns to her son, and he takes a step back from her, looking frightened. She wants to cry. She wants to throw whatever is closest to her. She focuses all her effort on keeping her face calm, and she steps up to Noah, holding one hand in the other in order to keep from making fists.

"I'm sorry, Mama," Noah says, and his voice is so plaintive, so scared, that it is all Jane can do to keep standing.

Daddy, please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Pop. Don't!

"Noah," her tone is too harsh. She is just like him. She has fought so hard to be as different as possible, and still her son is afraid of her. She takes a breath and tries again. "Noah," better, but not great. "You are not in trouble, okay?"

He nods, and his eyes have filled with tears again. She wants to hug him. She doesn't think she could do so without injuring him.

"Does your grandfather have your shoes?" she asks. She has to force the word out of her mouth and so it comes out strained. Over emphasized in the sentence.

"Grandfather?" Maura sounds horrified. Jane doesn't turn to face her. She watches Noah until his head bobs up and down slowly.

"He needed the money," Noah says, just above a whisper. "I offered, Mama. I thought it would be a good deed."

Now Maura moves to stand in front of the boys, she is as white as a sheet. "Wait just a minute," she says, and where anger has made Jane sound harsh, it has softened Maura's tone. "You mean to tell me that you two have been with your…with…" she can't make herself say it.

Next to Noah, TJ shrugs his shoulders up and down. "Daddy says he's re-formed. We're getting to know him."

Maura puts her hand on Jane's shoulder, like she knows that this sentence has thrown her off balance. She squeezes Jane's shoulder blade and she asks another question. Jane blinks, now trying to focus on her breathing.

"How many times?" Maura's voice is quiet, the calm before the storm. "How many times have you visited him?"

"Couple," TJ says. "Sometimes, when Dad says he can't get ahold of you, we go there," he falters when he looks up at Jane's face. "Not a lot," he says quickly.

Maura's hand on her shoulder gets tighter.

"I don't understand," she says, though Jane can see that this, for Maura, is simply a turn of phrase. "Did you not go to the basketball game today?"

It is TJ again who answers. Noah continues to stare at his shoes. "Daddy gave his ticket to Grampa. He said he had to go to an appointment."

"Noah?" Maura says softly, because it is clear that the boy is holding something in.

He sniffs and looks up at her. "Uncle Tommy didn't say it was Grampa," he looks entreatingly at Jane.

"Mama, I din't know."

Jane wants to pull him into her arms and never let go, but she is sure that anything she touches at this moment, she will crush.

Frost swears under his breath, and when Jane looks up at him, he speaks, loud enough for everyone to hear. "Hey, guys," he beckons the boys forward. "Why don't we give Mom and Mama a chance to catch up, huh?"

He ushers them from the room. TJ casts a curious look over his shoulder.

Noah doesn't look back.

Maura takes Jane's hand, but she doesn't embrace her. She knows.

For a moment, they just stand there.

"Are you hurt?" Maura asks finally.

Jane shakes her head. She doesn't feel like crying. She feels like screaming.

"I yelled at them," she says, pulling her free hand through her hair. "I didn't mean to, but I couldn't hear, and I needed them to get in the car. I-" but Maura steps up and puts her head against Jane's shoulder and she can't continue.

"What do you need now?" she asks softly. "What can I do?"

"Can you take them home, please?"

"Of course."

"I…I'm…the facial reconstruction is supposed to be in at three. What time is it?"

Maura pauses for the briefest of moments. "It's 3:12," she says quietly. "But you can take the day. No one would fault you."

Jane shakes her head. Now that she is switching hats, she can feel the ground beneath her and it is solid. "No," she says, and she can breathe. "Something's off about this case and the facial reconstruction is the last hope we have of making an ID."

"I'll take them home," Maura says, and then, "I'm…not going to call him, Jane. And…I'm not allowing him to take his son."

Jane shakes her head. "Do you know how much I love you?"

And Maura smiles.

"Do what you do," she whispers, "And then come home to your family."

She steps back, and then turns to head out of the bullpen. Jane collapses in her chair.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees Frankie swing around the corner in front of the doctor. He goes to call out to Jane, but Maura puts her hand on his arm, shaking her head. When it looks like Frankie might protest, Maura's mouth moves very clearly over the words let her be.

Jane puts her head in her hands.

She isn't sure if it's three minutes or three hours later when Frost taps her on the shoulder. She looks up at him and he offers her a smile. "I saw your wife and the boys out," he says. "They look okay."

Jane nods to show that she is grateful for this. "Did the reconstruction report come in?"

Frost sighs, sitting down at his own desk. "Yeah," he says. "But you're not gonna like it."

…

…

Maura is in the living room with the twins when Jane comes in the front door. She stands, relief lessening the lines around her eyes by a degree. Had she thought Jane wouldn't return?

"You're back," she says softly. "You're home."

Isabelle and Sofia look at her over the back of the couch. It is clear that they have been sitting with Maura to keep her company. To keep her from losing herself in worry while Jane was out.

Guilt makes Jane's feet feel heavy. "Where are the boys?"

"Noah's room," Maura says. "Frankie's here, he's with them. And Levi was in there the last time I went by. I told them we'd all have a talk when you got home."

Jane nods. "Sofia," she says quietly, "can you please go tell the boys I want to speak with everyone in the living room?"

"Us too?" Isabelle says tentatively.

Jane nods. "You too." Sofia and Isabelle hurry out of the room and up the stairs. Jane had known that they would both go, even if she asked only one. The moment they are out of sight, Maura comes over to her arms around her waist.

"Honey," she says into Jane's chest.

"Mm." Nothing feels real.

"Frost said he sent you home over an hour ago. I was worried."

"Workout," Jane says. "The reconstruction was a dead end. They're trying to extract some DNA, but it's a long, long shot."

"Put your arms around me, sweetheart," Maura instructs.

Jane obeys.

"I'm here," Maura says. She squeezes. "Feel that?" Jane bites the inside of her cheek, trying not to well up again. She pulls away after a moment, running her hand through her hair.

"The kids will be down in a second," Jane says, and Maura crosses her arms. She looks drawn.

"Jane-"

"I don't want them near him, Maura. I don't…want them anywhere near him."

Maura pauses, studying Jane's face. "Yes," she answers. "I agree."

"TJ's gonna stay here. For a while." She doesn't ask. Maura just nods. "I don't know if…I mean, I just…I need him to stay here for a while."

"Yes," Maura says again.

The sound of feet on the stairs makes them look around, and Jane watches as her children and her nephew file into the living room and sit down. Maura gives Jane's arm a squeeze, and then goes to settle herself between Sofia and TJ on the couch. She puts her hand on TJ's shoulder, and after a moment, he scoots closer so she can put her arm around him.

Frankie stands in the entryway, leaning against the wall.

Jane sits down on the ottoman that goes with the armchair, and for a moment, she just rests her elbows on her knees and bows her head. When she looks up at her family, they are all looking back at her, waiting.

"My father," she says to her kids, "your grandfather, was not a good person when I was growing up." She swallows hard. No one speaks. "He…hit me. And even though I tried my best not to let it happen, he hit your uncles sometimes as well." She looks down, unwilling to see the faces of her children after this confession. "When you all came into my life, when I held you in your little swaddling blankets, or when I stood in front of the judge and he told me that you would be in my family…from that moment on, I made promises. I made the same promises to each of you." She stops for a moment, to keep the tears out of her voice, and when she glances up, she sees that Isabelle and Maura are crying, and Levi looks like he might be about to as well. She looks down again, but she raises her voice a little. "I promised that I would never put my hands on you. I promised that you would never have to wonder how my day went because it would decide how I treated you. I promised that you would never wonder if I would hurt you. I promised that I would do everything in my power to keep you safe."

Pop. Don't! Stop. Please. Please. Daddy!

Jane takes a breath. "Today, in light of recent events, I am enforcing a new rule," she says slowly. "You are not to have any contact with your grandfather. If he approaches you, or tries to talk to you in any way, you need to let me or Mommy know. You won't be in trouble. If someone tries to take you to see him, you are to tell them in no uncertain terms that your mother doesn't want you to see him. If they insist, you call me or Mom, and we'll handle it."

She looks up at each of her kids in turn, and they all nod somberly. Sofia is crying now too, her jaw set to show that her tears are from anger, rather than fear.

"TJ," Jane says, and he looks up at her, scared. "I can't make the rules for you. Your mother and father have that right." She waits until he nods before continuing. "But you're my nephew and I was there when you were born, and I made the same promises to you. If you ever feel unsafe. If you're ever somewhere you don't want to be. Anywhere. You can call one of us. We will come for you, too."

He nods, and she looks back down. She doesn't have enough energy to cry in front of them.

"I love you all very, very much," she says. "Your uncle's feelings toward his father may have changed…but mine have not."

…

…

Her mother comes just before dinner. Jane has been expecting her all afternoon. She hears the door swish open, no knock, and her mother calls her name. She sounds furious.

Jane is sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the file on the Kohut arson, trying to understand why the whole thing feels so wrong. She looks up at the sound of her name, but makes no move to get up.

"I can't," she whispers to no one.

"Angela," Maura meets her mother-in-law in the front all. Jane hears the door bang closed, and she shuts her eyes. She does not think she can handle her mother right now. She has spent every last ounce of self-control she has on not letting her kids see her lose it. She has nothing left for Angela, especially since she's going to be on her brother's side.

Her father's side.

"Where is Jane?" Angela sounds frantic. "I just heard that Tommy - That Noah and TJ-" she breaks off and Jane can hear her footsteps, maybe getting closer. "Is she here? Jane?!"

At the kitchen table. Jane clenches her fists.

Maura's response is measured, but Jane can tell that her wife is struggling too. "She is here," Maura says. "But you can't see her."

In the silence, Jane can see Angela's stunned face in her mind's eye.

"What?"

"I don't want you to see her," Maura says, and her voice doesn't waver.

"That…that's not your call," Angela says, still sounding a little stunned. "Did she send you out to tell me-"

"She would never," Maura interrupts angrily. "She would sit in the kitchen for an hour - for two! - listening to you berate her endlessly, but I won't."

"Berate her?!"

"Yes. Berate her. Blame her and yell at her. Tell her that she's overreacting. Prove to her repeatedly that your youngest son is the one you treasure the most." Maura sounds as though she's barely containing her temper. "You can't see her. Not today."

"Maura," Angela will not be cowed so easily. "Tommy-"

"No," Maura's tone says she will have no discussion on this matter. "Whatever you are going to tell me, please do not. Tommy left my son with a man who abused his children. He left two of your grandchildren with a man who broke seven bones in my wife's body. Seven, Angela! Some of them more than once." Maura's voice breaks. "Get out," she says coldly. "Please leave."

Angela must obey, because Jane hears the door open and close.

Maura comes around the corner, and Jane watches her put her hand to her chest, closing her eyes.

Jane's hands, which had begun to loosen, clench all over again. This is what she does to people. She thinks about Maura's face when she'd appeared in the bullpen with the boys. How many 911 texts had she sent? What must have gone through the doctor's mind before she'd shown up?

She pushes up from the table, and Maura jumps.

"Jane!"

"Sorry."

Maura takes a step forward. "Stop apologizing, darling, you just startled me." She pauses, looking apprehensive. "You heard me, just now, in the hall?"

Jane nods, watching as her wife considers apologizing and then decides against it, squaring her shoulders.

"I'd do it again."

"Tell my mother off?"

Maura almost smiles. "Yes," she says. And she moves closer. "I'd do it again. I'd do it all over, Jane. Everything."
Jane is about to reply, when Levi appears around the corner of the kitchen, looking angry.

"Lee?" Jane asks.

"Uncle Tommy is here," he says. "He just pulled up. Do you want me to-"

"No," Jane says quickly moving to the door. "No, Levi. Thank you."

She's half way to the front door when her little brother starts banging on it. For a moment she just holds onto the door knob, preparing herself. She feels a hand on her back, not familiar or firm enough to be Maura's, and she turns to see Sofia.

"Hey, hon," she says, surprised. "You okay?"

"I wouldn't want to know anyone that hurt you," Sofia says fiercely. Like her mother, she does not usually bother with pleasantries. "None of us would. Not ever."

Jane pulls her daughter into a hug, kissing the top of her head. "I love you, bug." She says when they break apart. "Stay in the house, okay?"

Sofia nods, and Jane takes a deep breath and pulls the door open.

.

Here is something she is good at. Here is a part she can play. She barrels out of the door like an angry bear, backing her little brother down her front steps to the sidewalk without touching him.

He looks surprised and confused by her anger, which only serves to enrage Jane more.

"I just came to get my son," he says, though his posture suggests he's ready for a fight.

"Think again," Jane growls. "Like I'd let him anywhere near you after today."

Tommy takes a breath, obviously trying to keep calm. "Lydia told me you picked the boys up. I know why you might be upset, but I didn't do anything to put our kids in dang-"

"I'm going to kill you," Jane says darkly.

Tommy shakes his head. "See? You're the one who's got the fucking temper. Maybe I should be more hesitant to leave my kid with you."

She stares at him. Has he stabbed her? Her chest hurts almost as badly as if he has. "Get out of here." A threat and a warning. He heeds neither.

"He's changed, Jane. He's different. He's stopped drinking. He's going to meetings. That's where we met, actually. And-"

"I don't give a damn if the fucking Pope has washed and kissed his feet, Tommy!" Jane yells. "He doesn't get to be around my kids. He took Noah's shoes, did he mention that?"

"Noah told me he offered them," Tommy counters.

"AND POP ACCEPTED A TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR GIFT FROM A TEN YEAR OLD WHO WANTS EVERYONE TO BE HAPPY," Jane clenches her jaw, willing her voice back down to an acceptable level. "Where's Lydia?" she asks. "What does she think about this?"

Tommy hesitates. "We split up," he says finally. "She doesn't agree."

Jane forces a laugh. "So now you're gonna make me say that I agree with Lydia. God, Tommy. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that he deserves a second chance."

"No, he doesn't. And certainly not with our kids as the test subjects."

"You don't get to decide what's best for every-"

"Christ, T! Do you remember what he did to me? Do you remember any of the shit he did to-"

"Yeah, to YOU!" Tommy yells, and the implication makes Jane stumble backwards. Tommy drops his hands to his sides. "To you," he repeats.

They stare at each other.

"Tommy," Jane hasn't heard her mother approach. She turns away from the street, back towards the house.

"Jesus," she says, because this has caught her off guard, and because she is scared, and because she has nothing left for anyone. Not after that. "Jesus. This is perfect. What were you doing? Skulking around the corner in your car? Did you call him?"

But Angela doesn't answer. She directs her words at Tommy. "Let's go," she says. "Tommy. You shouldn't be here."

Jane turns, shocked, and watches as Angela takes Tommy's arm and tries to pull him away from the front steps. He doesn't move.

"Ma!" he says, outraged. "She's got my son in there! She's saying I can't take him."

"I agree with her," Angela says quietly. Jane's mouth falls open. Tommy looks as though she has slapped him.

"Ma!" he sputters.

Angela puts her hand up. "When Jane was nine, she developed a crush on a girl in her soccer club. Erica…or Erin…"

"Eva," Jane murmurs.

Angela nods, but she doesn't look around. "I was oblivious. I thought it was just what friends were like. I was glad she'd found someone, a girl. I thought she would settle down, start to do more girl things…whatever those are." Angela shakes her head. "Your father was less than thrilled. He told your sister at the dinner table, nine years old, that if she was going to talk like a dyke, he would treat her like one. He said she could sleep in the garage because that's where bull dykes and bitches belonged."

Jane remembers. She swallows hard.

Tommy looks shell shocked.

"I confronted him that night, about his language, mind you, and not the way he had crushed the spirit of a little girl who idolized him. We fought. He came at me like he might hit me. And then, all of a sudden, from the hall, Jane screams.

"She yells 'Pop's a fucking bastard' at the top of her lungs. She baited him." Angela wipes her eyes. "And he took it. He left me, and he went after her. And I told myself for months – years really – that all he did was spank her."

Please. Pop. Please. Don't hurt me anymore. I'm sorry.

"Ma," Tommy says, though he sounds less sure. "Ma, he's different now. He's stopped drinking, like me. He's making amends. He's better."

"Shame on you," Angela hisses. "Do you know what your sister put herself through for you? For this family? Shame on you."

"Ma."

"What did it feel like when your father told you that you were too old to get a bed time story? How did it feel when he took away that baseball nightlight and told you to be a man? You were six."

Tommy doesn't answer.

"What do you think Jane endured to get you that new light? How do you think your father reacted to seeing her sneak into your room to tell you about knights and castles and princesses?" Angela shakes her head. She glances at Jane, who stares back at her, unsure how to react. Her mother's words aren't fully penetrating. The fact that she knew. She knew. It's too horrifying. It overshadows all the good things happening now.

Someone comes down the steps to stand next to Jane. It's Frankie. She can't remember when he got here. Did Maura let him in the side door? The entire day seems blurry. He puts his arm around her.

"Let's go inside," he says in her ear. "C'mon, Jane."

She looks up at her mother again, and again their eyes meet, and again she can't think of anything to say.

She lets her brother lead her up the stairs and inside.

…

She dreams that her father attacks her. His face is a carnival mask, twisted and ugly.

She rips it off during their fight and the face underneath is soft and pink.

He starts to cry, and she pulls back, repulsed. He reaches for her, like a child asking for comfort.

That's not me. He says through his tears.

That's not me, that's not me that's not me.

When she wakes up, it is to a bedroom full of people. Her children, her nephew, her brother, her wife. They are spread throughout the room, sleeping bags and stray pillows and comforters. Next to her, Maura is still asleep, Noah on her other side, eyes twitching with a dream.

It should make her feel something. It should move her, the fact that they have all gathered here, for her.

But Jane just feels numb.

Nothing can touch her.

As carefully and as quietly as possible, Jane slips from bed, and heads out of the room.

…

…

Are people capable of massive change?
If they are. Do they deserve forgiveness?

See y'all soon.

Happy reading

tc