For a moment, the only thing Ahsoka can think is that her bunk-or is it Rex's bunk?-feels a lot harder than normal.
And then everything comes rushing back-the Council, Rex, the kidnapping, the Father, shatterpoints and execute Order Sixty-Six and Kix with her 'saber and a shiny who has been summarily adopted.
She swears under her breath, the individual words muffled by Rex's side, and really wishes she could go back to sleep, but…
She lifts her head, rubbing her bleary eyes, and frowns at Kix, who is still awake. (Fives, Jesse, Tup, and Dogma are all asleep, heads shaved and a bacta patch over their temples.) "What happened to my lightsabers?"
"Don't you even start," Kix growls, and she huffs.
"I think that crystal likes you," she murmurs, laying her head back down. "You can keep it, if you want-I'll make a new one."
"Commander?" he asks, uncertain, and she smiles. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Kix. I'm sure." She sighs, nestles closer to Rex. "How's Brii?"
"You left Fives to explain you and Rex."
Well, that certainly makes things difficult. "Sorry-"
"Don't kriffing apologize, you both needed the sleep."
"So do you," Ahsoka says, and the medic sighs.
"I know." There's a pause, and then, "I'm going to have to do the surgery on Tuck."
He's right. She frowns, tries to reach Anakin, but he's still too far away and she's too tired and her head still hurts. "Be careful, Kix."
"I will. I promise."
...
Rex wakes up shortly after Ahsoka - part of him feels her wake up and responds, doesn't want to be asleep if she's not. It's instinctive more than anything.
He starts to sit up and his body says no , his shoulder screams, his head spins, and his muscles were in no shape for a nap on the hard floor.
" Ow. " He winces, opens his eyes to see Soka, Kix, and Brii all staring at him in concern.
"Good, you're awake." That's Tuck, and there's a thrill of anxiety in the pit of Rex's stomach because surgery . The assistant medic comes over, helps him sit partway up, and Rex takes in his grimly-exhausted face and steady hands.
"You're doing great, Tuck," he says, and Tuck snorts.
"Well, thanks, Captain," he says.
Rex looks around, trying to blink sleep out of his eyes. Fives, Dogma, Jesse, and Tup are all laid out on the floor, asleep, and their heads are shaved (poor Tup). "So I guess this makes it my turn?" Rex asks, tries not to be too nervous. His men have all been through this and it means they can't be turned on their Jedi anymore, it's just… terrifying. Tuck is going to make a hole in his head . Besides that, he can't help but think of earlier, of being strapped to a table so the Kaminoans can take everything away from him, and he doesn't want that again.
It's going to be okay, Rex. I promise. Ahsoka pushes warmth at him and he wraps himself in it, nods.
"If you're okay, Rex," Tuck says. "Then yeah, it's your turn."
"Wonderful," he says gruffly, and Tuck pulls his arm over his shoulder and helps him stand. That hurts and Rex's stomach is twisted up into tight knots and he takes a long, shivering breath. "Get this kriffing thing out of my head ," he says, and Tuck nods, eyes sharp.
"With pleasure, Captain."
...
Ahsoka watches, a thrill of anxiety sparking across her nerves, as Rex's head is shaved and the surgery prepared. She has to look away when Tuck actually starts cutting, but she keeps up a steady projection of warmth and calm.
Brii is watching her.
"What?" she finally asks, and he jumps a little, as though embarrassed to have been caught staring.
"It's-nothing, sir."
Which is how she finds out he's a terrible liar. "It's not nothing. You're allowed to ask questions, you know."
Brii shakes his head, a strange, almost sad smile on his face. "I've been asking questions. I think I'm annoying everyone."
Kix has a look of intense concentration on his face, and after a moment she feels a faint, Fives got snappy with him.
She glares. Seriously? Projecting to people you don't have a bond with is hard, and also stupid for him right now. "Well, you're not annoying me," she says, deciding to ignore Kix. "What is it?"
"What's the real reason you aren't a Jedi anymore?"
Ahsoka hums, wondering how best to explain it, finally settling on, "The Jedi aren't allowed to love." Which isn't the whole truth, but it's close enough. "And I fell in love."
"With the Captain." Brii is more observant, she thinks, than they give him credit for. "So they kicked you out?"
"Well, they wanted to, but they were going to do a trial first," she tells him, "but they were being stupid and blind and not listening to me and Rex was in danger, so I left."
He blinks, frowns. "But-that's not enough to earn a trial?" It's a question, but she can tell he almost wants to make it a statement, like he's certain that falling in love isn't enough of a rule break to be put on trial for.
She shoots a look at Kix, because Force, she doesn't want to explain the rest of this right now, but they've all been doing that to the poor kid, and he just wants to understand, and that's hardly fair to him, so she nods. "You're right, it's not. I got in trouble for using the Dark Side of the Force to protect Rex."
His eyes go big and round again, but there's no fear there, and she wonders if he really even knows what the Dark Side is. "Is using the Dark Side bad if you do it to protect people?" he asks, tilting his head to one side.
Ahsoka's caught flat-footed by the genuine curiosity of the question-the same question the Jedi Council has always answered with a firm yes,because it's not the intent it's the means. She opens her mouth, closes it again, blinks. "I… don't know, Brii."
Kriff, they definitely underestimated him.
...
"But the other Jedi think it is?" Brii asks. He doesn't know much (hardly anything, really) about the Jedi, but it appears they aren't all what he'd thought - definitely not all like General Tii. Although from the sound of things, the Commander isn't really like the other Jedi, either.
"Apparently," Commander Tano says, smiling a little. "But… I'm not sure they know as much as they think they do."
Brii doesn't know what to do with all this, really - it's so new and nothing like what he'd expected, and most of this is almost directly opposed to his training. "Oh," he says, hoping he at least sort of looks like he knows what's going on.
"The point is," Commander Tano says, looking a little like she wants to laugh, but still serious, "the Council and I didn't agree on how things should be done, and I thought they… had lost track of some things. And I needed to save Rex. So I left."
Brii nods, thinking. The Jedi Council and the Senate have always just been distant authority figures that everyone references when there are new orders, so he's not sure what it means if Commander Tano disagreed with them.
But he is sure these people are war heroes , the ones he and his brothers talk about between training and simulations, and he was shooting to kill and they weren't. So he trusts Commander Tano - he thinks.
"You'll figure out there are more important things than orders," Kix says.
Brii's getting that, actually. Things like not killing his brothers. "Yeah," he says, twisting his hands together, and avoids glancing towards the other medic and the surgery.
He thinks… He wants a surgery too. He doesn't want some kriffing chip in his head that could make him live the nightmares and kill the Jedi - but he's not totally sure how to ask about it. He doesn't exactly fit in here, with the 501st (he's still not over that), and whatever Commander Tano says about General Skywalker being his General, he doesn't know how he's expected to be anything like them.
...
Tuck finishes up the surgery shortly after that, administering another drug to counteract the anesthesia. Ahsoka tries to get up and check on Rex, but Kix glares and she decides maybe that's not a good idea. And, anyway, Rex is still unconscious-will be for a while yet-so really, there's no need to go over there and see him. He's fine. Tuck would tell her if he wasn't.
Tuck is looking at them like he's not entirely sure what to do now that there's only himself and Kix left, and that's when Brii stands up. "I want mine out," he says, and Ahsoka thinks this bright glowing warmth in her chest is pride.
Tuck just stares. "But-you-"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asks, and he's genuinely wanting to know.
Kix says, "If you have your chip out, there's no going back, kid. Are you sure about this?"
Brii nods, looking at Rex where the Captain is laying on the floor. "Just because I don't have paint on my armor doesn't mean I want to live the nightmares," he says quietly.
Ahsoka smiles. "Of course you can have your chip out," she tells him, and the bright, though nervous, smile he gives her is worth the way Tuck almost glares.
...
Kix sighs and goes to sit next to Ahsoka, peeling off his gloves and rubbing his face. Tuck and Brii have joined the lineup of clones waiting for the anesthetic to wear off, and he's exhausted from the effort of standing - and drawing on the Force so his hands wouldn't shake, which was a mistake, but better than his hands slipping during the operation. The Force had taken a great deal of convincing, and he can feel why - everything burns worse now.
"Are you doing alright, Commander?" he asks, sighing. "Do you need any more meds?"
"No - but thanks, Kix." She gives him an appraising look and he pulls his legs up to his chest and looks down. "You should take some more, though."
He doesn't think he actually took any yet to begin with, which is so kriffing irresponsible but he can't seem to think right because part of his head hurts so bad and he knows enough to know this is probably what Force burn feels like. He sighs, digs into his medpac, and fishes out a few pills, dry-swallows them (although he's always hated doing that).
"You really can't press so deep into the Force without more training, Kix," Ahsoka says, and he doesn't think he'll have an opportunity for more training, so he leans towards her a little.
"How do you know?" he asks. How do you know when to stop, because it had just felt right and strong and powerful and important until it all came crashing back. "It only started telling me to stop when I was going to burn, and that's not good enough."
"Telling you to stop?" Ahsoka frowns. "Well, I don't know how to explain, exactly. If you can't feel your pain and that doesn't worry you, you're reaching a little too much. If you're doing the kind of stuff you were doing and it isn't hard, you're definitely reaching too much. I don't know, it's like… drinking, kind of."
Kix laughs despite himself. "How so?"
"Well, if you have a few drinks, it all feels great and you're on top of the world. Have a few more and you're going to be hungover in the morning but it's probably fine. If you keep drinking after that it's not even fun anymore."
Kix rolls his eyes. His brothers rarely stop on "a few more" and it's really kriffing annoying . "So it's a judgement call," he says. That doesn't help him much because he doesn't understand the Force, at all. At least alcohol makes sense, he knows what it does to his brain.
"I think that's part of why we meditate," Ahsoka says, shrugging and wincing. "So we know when we're going too far."
Kix looks down, nods, fiddles with the saber he now has clipped to his belt. He can't help but think of it as his saber, although he definitely can't keep it. As it is, only his brothers' promises of secrecy and his Jedi stand between him and termination. The 501st is good at keeping secrets, at least. He can't carry a lightsaber and use the Force openly - and even if he could, he still doesn't want to be a soldier.
Even acknowledging the Force as something he can use feels like too much.
"What were you saying about it 'telling you to stop'?" Ahsoka asks, picking at the edge of the bandage on her arm as she leans forward.
Kix shrugs. "Before we got here, when I was fighting the last squad, the Force or, or whatever was telling me to stop or I'd burn up. It didn't want to let me do any more."
"It… didn't want to let you? The Force was talking to you?"
"Well, yeah, I mean- Is it not supposed to do that?"
Ahsoka looks a little shocked and when he asks that, she shakes her head. "The Force just… We communicate, tell it what to do, but I mostly get impressions - it talked to me earlier, but that was unusual."
Well kriff. Kix can't even have the Force the way everyone else does. "I don't understand," he sighs, dropping his head into his hands (and ow that hurts).
"Neither do I, if that-"
The door starts hissing open. Kix reacts on instinct, reaches for his blaster, but Ahsoka is faster - with a wave of her hand, the door slams back closed and kriff her she's in no shape to do that yet. Kix grabs his blaster and shoots the inside door panel - that will jam it, for now. He's surprised it took the longnecks this long to figure out where they were and get more platoons down here, but it helps that they probably had no idea what they were trying to do .
It's just him and Ahsoka, although soon, Dogma and the others will be waking up.
And he and Ahsoka are injured and burnt out and everything he knows says they can't draw on the Force or fight or do nearly anything, not if they ever want to heal. And yet they could reach for the Force, could sink into it, could push themselves because his vod'e are here and he needs to protect them, if he could just convince the Force.
And kriff them but he finally understands why the Jedi are always pushing themselves so kriffing hard and leaving him with so much work to do.
"What do we do, Commander?" he asks. Because they're trapped, and he doesn't know how soon General Skywalker is going to arrive, and as it is he and Ahsoka are running on stim shots and necessity.
...
The Kaminoans have found them.
They'd gotten a longer window of time to rest, to plan, than Ahsoka had really expected, but she can't help but wish the cloners had picked a different time to try again. Either attack sooner, before literally every functional trooper was unconscious, or wait until at least a few of them are awake again.
Because, as it stands right now, everything they've learned is about to die with them.
Ahsoka can't, won't let that happen. She won't leave the Jedi unaware of the death sentence awaiting them, of the doom that they eat and sleep and fight with; she won't let the million-plus clone troopers out there in the galaxy right now be turned into soulless droids-a kind of slavery she can barely comprehend. So she has to survive, or at least her men do. Someone has to tell Anakin, the Jedi Council, the Senate everything they've figured out down here.
What do we do, Commander?
She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and centers herself in the flow of the Force, even though just that small reach hurts her still-aching head, opening herself completely to its waves and currents, letting all the pain, all the fear, all the anger and horror and disgust and foreboding drain away, and then she opens her eyes once more. "What we must."
Kix nods, once, somber and grave and certain, even though she knows he knows exactly what she's asking him to do, what the consequences of that might be. If only she had a choice, another option, but there isn't one.
She takes another deep breath, hones her mind to a razor-sharp focus. Sitrep:
They are trapped in this lab with no other way out. Advantage: enemy.
The door is narrow, can be defended by one man, and only two troopers can pass through it at a time. Advantage: them.
They are outnumbered and outgunned, and all their fighters are sleeping off a surgery. Disadvantage. But, if Fives and Jesse and Rex (even a weak, injured Rex) wake up soon, they'll have an ARC trooper and a clone Captain and one of the most experienced troopers in the entire 501st fighting against a bunch of shinies, which is a definite advantage.
The enemy is shooting to kill.
They aren't.
Game over.
"Kriffing morals are going to get us all killed," Ahsoka murmurs, and Kix snorts-he's probably been following a train of thought similar to her own. She extends her hand, calls her 'saber to it-the kyber crystal inside feels different, somehow, and she frowns down at the hilt, igniting the blade.
Silver.
"What the kriff," she starts, sees Kix looking at her with a wry smile on his face. "What did you do?"
"Nothing," he says. "They've been that color since after your Force vision. Didn't you notice when you were trying to hold us off?"
She shakes her head, frowns. "I was a teensy bit busy," she says, putting all the sarcasm she can into the last three words, and then she sighs, stands. "We have to be ready as soon as they get that door open. The narrow doorway is our only real tactical advantage right now."
Kix nods agreement, and kriff, just standing makes her exhausted muscles tremble, and when she reaches for the Force, to bolster her already-fading strength, pain flares through her head and she grits her teeth. This is such a bad idea, and she's just lectured Kix for it, but she sinks deeper anyway, searching for clarity and strength and calm.
We do what we must.
She has to do this.
Even though it just might kill her.
...
Kix unclips his - his - saber from his belt, settles most of his weight on his good leg. Even with that, a wave of agony shoots through his injured leg and he almost falls, automatically reaches for the Force to steady himself. It's like trying to pick something up with a burned hand and it hurts , and he recoils because he knows he has to listen to pain like that, it's a warning, but he can't . Not if there's any chance of saving his vod'e .
So he reaches again, pushes through the pain and the instinct that says stop right now and tries to step into the Force.
The Force refuses .
Kriff, no, it can't just- not help. Come on! Kix ignites his saber and shifts because he really can't stand on that leg. I need to do this .
No, little one, the Force answers, sounds less like a voice than it had before. It will kill you .
And? Kix's heart is beating too fast and everything hurts and he's terrified, but: They need me and I can't help them if you don't help me .
They will die anyway. It's the way of things.
And I'll die anyway, eventually, so kriffing let me decide if now's the right time for it or not .
He gets an impression, then, of intense knowledge and wisdom and a will directing everything and it's fleeting and small but he still shrinks back from it, a little cowed. You want to decide, little one? The Force sounds challenging and Kix swallows.
I have to protect them. He glances over at his patients, Brii and Tuck and Jesse. He's not letting them down. So what if I burn, they have to be okay . He's not a soldier, he's a medic, and he's got to make sure his vod'e have every chance they can.
You know what you're asking me? the Force asks, and Kix feels a thread of its power at the back of his mind and it still hurts to reach for it, but he does.
I think so. Kriffing please.
There's a feeling like a deep, heavy sigh and someone shaking their head, then the thread widens into a river and Kix dives into it, feels the pain wash out of his leg and head too fast, feels the tremor in his hands vanish. It's energy and power and protection, but fire, too, and he can feel it turning him to ashes.
I'm sorry, little one .
...
The door is shaking, burning with the heat of the torch the troopers on the other side are using to cut through the durasteel, and Ahsoka takes a deep breath, settles herself, tightens her hand on her lightsaber hilt. She could reach deeper, give herself more reserves of speed and strength and balance than she has even when she's fully rested, but she doesn't, not yet, because that is something she cannot come back from.
The Force around the room suddenly surges, and she turns to stare in horror at Kix, because she can feel him reaching, taking it all, everything he has and everything the Force can give, and she knows this feeling-
(She's still just a youngling, just an Initiate, serving as a courier because this intel is too dangerous to transmit. The war has just begun. Master Rhaeda is deep in Separatist space with her battalion, and when Ahsoka sets out from Coruscant the fight is going well.
By the time she arrives, only half the battalion, if that, is still alive, and they have one working ship but no pilot and no way to get the ship clear of the ground because the fire is too intense. Master Rhaeda smiles and says, protect my men, Initiate Tano.
What are you doing? and the Force feels strange and heavy and inevitable, a maelstrom of barely-tamed power swirling around the Jedi Master, more power than Ahsoka has ever felt in her entire life, and she has never been afraid of the Force before but she is now.
A smile, sad and soft and bittersweet and knowing. We do what we must, Initiate. She turns and walks away, and Ahsoka has no choice but to get the survivors onto the ship and be ready for the gap, for the opening, because she knows goodbyes when she hears them.)
"What the kriff, Kix, you can't," she says, panicked, because he can't do this, it will kill him. "You're going to die!"
Kix shrugs a little, gives her a lopsided smile. "We're about to die anyway, sir, and frankly, I'd like to give my brothers as much of a chance as I can."
She's not sure why there are tears in her eyes. "Kriff, Kix, you aren't a Jedi, you aren't allowed to do the self-sacrifice thing, you have to let it go, let go. Let me do this-"
"Ahsoka," and he's never spoken to her in this tone before, "if you die, Rex will never recover."
"He'll survive," she says, because he always does, but Kix raises an eyebrow at her.
"Will he?" There's a pause. "Did he say goodbye, when he thought he was going to be reconditioned?"
She nods, unsure where this is going.
"What did he say?"
A deep breath, in and out. "Mhi solus tome-"
The pain that crosses Kix's face at the first three words stops Ahsoka dead in her tracks, because his eyes are anguished and he's shaking his head. "Ahsoka, that's the first line of the kriffing Mandalorian marriage vow, and you want me to believe he'll kriffing survive if you die?"
She freezes, her 'saber lowering just a touch-and the door crashes to the ground, and kriff but everything hurts and she might be crying and Rex isn't going to wake up until it's too late and she has no choice, because there are so many troopers and she has to kill them because somebody has to get out of here, someone has to warn the Jedi. So she lets out a strangled sob and stretches into the Force, even though it feels almost like shoving her hand into a fire and picking up the burning coals, and it burns.
I'm sorry, cyare.
(There are too many blasters firing and she can't deflect the bolts fast enough, can't cut the troopers down enough, and she starts using her body as a shield because this is the end but she will not let it be the end for them all. This is love, this is duty, this is the realization that this is what she must do.
She thinks, at some point, when everything has turned to silver static and she isn't even sure if she's still standing, that she hears someone screaming AHSOKA! in the back of her mind, but the Force sweeps the cry away before she can identify the voice.)
(But she can do one last thing, for Rex. So she reaches for his mind and fills him with all the love in her soul and she says, Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, bal mhi me'dinui an. I love you, Rex.)
...
Pain like ice and fire wakes him up, drags him out of the last dregs of unconsciousness, and that horrible hurricane of power is tearing around the corners of his mind and he has to slam up shields to even be able to think .
Rex knows, instinctively, that the pain is all hers and something deeper says she's dying and he lurches off the floor, plants both hands on the ground and shoves himself to his feet even though that makes everything stop for a second because he isn't kriffing losing her .
Somewhere his hands find the rest of his armor and, most importantly, his blasters , and he grabs them, straightens, and for a moment all he sees is white.
He doesn't even think before firing into the mess because his instincts and pain say he has to get to his Soka now . Still, as he starts to pick things out (blue painted armor, a blur of white sabers) he realizes he's been automatically avoiding hitting his men. And his blaster isn't set to stun but then neither is anyone else's.
Part of him says wrong, not right, not good , but the pain tearing at him is much more important and they're trapped and right now priority is Ahsoka .
He spots her standing in front of the doorway with Kix and he knows from years of experience and the pain and power he feels rushing through their bond that they're pushing themselves too hard .
But he has to do the same because his men are going to die if he doesn't.
He wades into the mess, finds the nearest vod he knows (it's the shiny, Brii, and the kid is doing so well but he's crying) and something is still pulsing wrongness in Rex's gut.
The room is just blasterfire and struggling bodies and Rex still can't quite focus but he can fight, so he defends Brii until he can find a way to get through the chaos to Ahsoka.
The insanity of his surroundings helps him block out the pain and the Force, and as they grow quieter, he can think, listen, and he finally finds Ahsoka's thoughts, tries to project something to her, a warning or a question or just strength, but he feels like he's trying to wave desperately at a blind person because she isn't paying attention and he can't find purchase in her thoughts.
He stands shoulder to shoulder with Brii, shooting at the vod'e who're trying to come into the lab, anyone who gets past Ahsoka and Kix, although how anyone is he doesn't know because they're both almost unreal in their speed and power and motion, Kix like a sharp knife handled by an expert carver, Ahsoka like the dancer he knows she is, fluid and easy and beautiful , almost.
Maybe that's why it takes him so long to see . He has to feel it first, past the roaring maelstrom of the Force that he's trying so hard to keep out, as he's trying to prod Ahsoka's thoughts for some response - sharp, burning pain in his chest, his side, his hip, and he thinks for a moment he's been shot but when he looks down at himself he's fine, everything's fine.
Which means Ahsoka's not .
Now that he knows what he's looking for, he lets Brii take the lead so he can drive into her thoughts, past the Force and the fighting to the pain of blaster wounds, pain that's been relegated to a tiny corner of her consciousness and it's kriffing everywhere . Rex chokes a little, frozen, finds himself staring at Ahsoka and Kix because suddenly he can fixate on bolts that make it past their sabers, far, far too many of them, and he forgets Brii because this is worse, this is so much worse than he thought. He breaks into a run without thinking about it, kriff the attacking vod'e and the risk and the fact that his body isn't prepared for this and he's going to collapse .
Because he can feel a terrible, familiar acceptance in Ahsoka's mind too, mixed in with the pain, necessity and duty and- and- and she's kriffing ready to die . That's why the Force is howling like a pack of Loth wolves and she's not even noticing how often she's been shot and that's why he feels like everything is falling to kriffing pieces and he will not let her leave him like this.
AHSOKA! Don't you kriffing dare! he projects, knows instinctively that she hasn't heard him and he pushes himself faster, weaves past Jesse struggling with another vod and has the presence of mind to take aim and fire. He feels another stab of pain, in his good arm, and he swears. She can't do this, not here, not after everything.
And then finally he feels an answering thought from her, feels her reaching back towards him and he sobs , grabs on tight and keeps moving .
You need to stop, Ahsoka, please.
She doesn't answer, doesn't even seem to hear that, and then he feels her breathe his mind full of love , like she's just held her arms out for an embrace, like she's smiling at him with those mischievous blue eyes because of some shared secret, and that shouldn't feel so inevitable and terrifying and he doesn't mean to but he stumbles to a stop, projects his own love as hard as he can, and his fear, hoping to get a real response.
As he does, he looks up, finds her, and he understands because she's slowing, losing the comfortable grace of her movements, and his sobs are just silent and hurt because he can't kriffing make a sound.
Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome .
No. He's not kriffing doing this, not letting her do this. It wasn't supposed- she can't just- "Shut up! " he shouts, and he doesn't mean to say it out loud but she isn't hearing him and he can't and her kriffing love won't stop washing warm and pained over his thoughts and he's not- he's not listening to her say this, he can't.
Bal mi me'dinui an .
" Gedet'ye , Soka," he growls, and someone grabs his arm and he shakes them off, even though part of him registers Fives , friend .
I love you, Rex . And it's her kriffing voice, fond and light and almost audible and he can't, he can't. He's staring at her when suddenly all he feels is pain and the intensity of the Force and exhaustion and she staggers, and the whole world goes white and vague and too much and he knows distantly that he's screaming for her.
...
The instant the Resolute comes out of hyperspace over Kamino, Anakin Skywalker knows something is very, very wrong.
His bond with Ahsoka finally snaps back into place, like he's back within range, even though he shouldn't be out of range unless something's happened to exhaust her to the point she can't even project. Even on Umbara, while she'd been in the middle of having her mind invaded, she'd been strong enough to reach him on Coruscant.
He takes approximately .03 seconds to realize at least some of what's wrong, and he screams for her, but she doesn't even hear him. Of course she doesn't, she's-he's not sure what to call it, but she's giving herself to the Force and shavit, he needs to get down there now . Whatever she and Rex and their squad discovered while on Kamino's surface, it's bad. Or really, really, really kriffing important, and also a secret, which is… entirely possible.
Kriff.
He presses the button on his wristcomm. "Obi-Wan, we need to get down there now."
"I concur," his Master says calmly, though there's an audible tension to his voice even through the comm. "The Force is… disturbed."
"Ahsoka's going to kill herself," Anakin snaps, because he can feel it and they have to get there now. "Appo," he calls to the lieutenant, "you're in charge, don't crash into the planet."
Appo salutes, and Anakin jumps into the last open transport, gives the all-clear to the pilot. The transport takes off, leaves the hangar with several others (and he knows Obi-Wan will be bringing Cody and part of the 212th down with him, and that's a relief, but not enough), but the ship moves so slowly and with every second that slips past Ahsoka draws farther and farther away from him, into the current of the Force, and no he can't let this happen.
The transports finally land, and Anakin leaps out, sprints into the corridors and follows his instincts and the Force and the sounds of blasterfire to the medical level (he meets Obi-Wan there, and Cody), and the hallway is full of clones in regulation white armor, shinies. He doesn't even stop to think, just pulls out his lightsaber (behind him, blue- and orange-painted troopers pull their blasters and start firing on stun, because they don't kill brothers), hears humming and sees Obi-Wan's 'saber ignite out of the corner of his eye.
There's rage and horror and terror all building up in a huge, cresting wave, breaking over the top of his head and it's like he's drowning, and he so desperately wants to start cutting a huge swathe through the shinies but-but-but they're vod'e, and they've accepted him as one of their own and he cannot betray them like this and so he snarls and flings his hands out, Force-pushing half the hallway's occupants to the ground.
With the way clear, he advances, and he can see a splash of bright color in the midst of all the white: it's Ahsoka, and in her hands is one of her 'sabers (except the blade is silver, what the kriff) and next to her is-is Kix, wielding a lightsaber like he was born for it, the Force flowing through them in waves and they're going to die and-
And Ahsoka suddenly wavers, staggers, and then the training bond is nothing but pain.
Anakin screams.
He Force-jumps the distance, slams to the ground in front of Ahsoka and Kix, who's also stumbling, and he snarls into the sudden pause, "Stand down NOW!" His voice is full of the Force, to the brim, and even with being taught how to resist Force-suggestion not a single one of the shinies can ignore his order and with all the strength and raw, sheer will he'd found within himself on Mortis he forces the troopers to stop and drop your blasters!
Obi-Wan is there, somewhere next to him. The shinies are staring at him.
None of that matters.
He turns his lightsaber off, hangs it on his belt, drops to his knees by Ahsoka and puts a hand on her temple-there's just nothing, and he can't,he won't, and he remembers- "Rex! I need you!"
...
Rex can't kriffing feel her and he's already fought his way almost to her when finally, oh thank the little gods , please, you have to fix this, please,Anakin arrives in a flurry of blaster shots, and he's roaring and angry and all Rex can think is please help her .
When Anakin gives his order, Rex and his squad obey it too, automatic, simple. And finally, kriffing finally Anakin drops down by Ahsoka and it's all silent and Rex fights back sick because Ahsoka has so many injuries and he doesn't want anyone touching her . Fives grabs his shoulder, starts to try to say something, but Anakin beats him to it.
"Rex! I need you! "
That has to mean she's not lost yet, because Anakin looks desperate and angry, so Rex shoves away Fives' hand and staggers over, almost just falls next to Anakin but he finds strength from somewhere to actually kneel by Ahsoka's shoulder, reach out like he can't help it and rest his hand on her cheek.
"We have to pull her back," Anakin growls, and Rex reaches for Ahsoka's mind on instinct, feels Anakin doing the same and that's still strange but that doesn't matter now. "She's losing herself, and she can't do that, Rex."
She feels so empty and gone and Rex thinks the only comfort is that the bond is still there, he can still reach towards her, which has to mean she's still alive, still close.
But he's reaching and pressing into the distant corners of her mind and there's nothing here , just echoes, and he imitates Anakin and calls out to her, trying not to sob as he kneels there on the floor, knowing he might be losing her if they can't find her.
Soka, please. Please, ner'jetii, come back. I love you too, just please. Mhi solus dar'tome. That's a promise and it's such a goodbye promise but he just wants her to know .
...
Everything is dark and soft and quiet, and she floats.
The river has calmed, like she's gone crashing over the edge of a waterfall and swept away downstream, and now she's in the languid, lazy pools that tend to form, the kind of place she'd gone swimming in, once, she thinks. She's not entirely sure, though. Everything from before is hazy, blurred, indistinct, and reaching for it hurts and she's so tired and she just wants to float.
The Force soothes the lingering aches of the before, fills her with warm peace, and she relaxes into it, feels more of the before fading away. That's okay, though. The before is just pain and exhaustion and terror and she doesn't want it, she wants the peace and quiet and safety of the Force.
But something is holding her back, two thin threads tying her to the before, and she can't quite float away, not with them still here. That annoysher. She has a right to peace, doesn't she? After-after-
There was a war?
She can't really remember anymore.
(That should bother her. It doesn't.)
The bonds can be broken, a voice says, and she feels amusement, because she'd said the Force doesn't talk to her and now look at it. (She'd said that to-to someone, to the-medic. The medic. What was his name?) If you wish it.
She does wish it, but… but there's something faint prodding her, a whisper of memory, and it won't leave her alone so she reaches for it.
It's just words.
Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome.
The words sound familiar, and she struggles to piece together why; another snippet of memory drifts up to her and she takes it, too. Ahsoka, the memory says, that's the first line of the kriffing Mandalorian marriage vow.
Ahsoka, who is Ahsoka?
Somewhere, someone is screaming and she doesn't quite know why they won't be quiet. She doesn't want to come back, she wants to float, she wants-
We are one when parted.
It's a vow, she knows, and a vow is a promise, and a promise is unbreakable.
Please, ner'jetii, come back.
The voice is familiar and she isn't quite sure why, but the word-the Mando'a word, ner'jetii, it sounds familiar, sounds like warmth and love and freedom and dancing with wild abandon, and she wants it.
She wants the peace, the quiet, yes, but-but there is love in that word and she, something in her needs that love, needs-needs-
The name won't come and she feels a breath of frustration, quickly soothed away by the Force, and for some reason that almost irritates her more.That frustration is hers, it's her feeling, she's entitled to it, and so is the name she can't remember.
The name belongs to before, the Force says.
And before is pain.
But there is-there is also love, she thinks, mixed in with the pain, and she won't ever have to hurt again in the Force but she'll never love either, and he-he needs her, she promised.
It's like swimming upstream.
The current doesn't want to let her go, and she thrashes and struggles, grabs onto the bonds and holds tight, lets them guide her back to where she belongs, and it hurts it hurts it hurts but she keeps going, hunting for the name she can't recall. The one she'd promised. She has to find him.
She has to remember.
It's the hardest thing she's ever done.
Cyare, she thinks, remembers the word-that's closer, that's one step closer to the name, to, to, to-
Rex!
And it hurts, it hurts more than anything ever has in her life, every inch of her body in agony.
Ahsoka can't even scream.
...
Rex knows she's back because he hears his own name before all he feels from her is pain , white-hot and everywhere, but he doesn't retreat from her thoughts, just presses in closer and projects every ounce of the relief that's forcing tears from his eyes. It's the most natural thing in the world to run his hand over her cheek, lean down and press light kisses to her lips and forehead and nose and brow because she's here and he thought, he thought-
He doesn't want to consider it now. He tilts his forehead against hers, closes his eyes, weathers the pain beating at him across their connection and sends back warmth and love and thank you, Soka, I'm so proud, we're safe . He senses she at least hears that because he feels a soft hum of love in the middle of the agony and it helps.
(He's dimly aware that he hurts but it doesn't matter, not right now.)
"Ner'jetii," he breathes, soft, "Mesh'la, cyar'ika jetii."
...
They call him Brii because briikase is too long in a combat situation.
It means happy.
He's never felt less happy in his short, accelerated life.
His brothers, his vod'e, are dead, and he killed them. He killed brothers. They didn't do anything wrong, but he killed them anyway, and-and-and he doesn't understand. Why? What was the point of all this? Because Commander Tano and Captain Rex and the rest of the squad discovered something secret?
He just wants to understand.
Brii crouches down next to yet another crumpled body encased in spotless white armor; there's nothing to distinguish this one from the next (and isn't that ironic, in a way, the faceless soldiers of the Republic really are faceless in a way, they all have the same face) except that Brii knows this one.
This is his batchmate, his best friend, Stiff, the vod who'd given Brii his name. Brii had named Stiff, too. On accident.
There's a blackened hole in the white armor just over Stiff's heart.
Brii doesn't know who shot him, but he doesn't think it matters; maybe he didn't shoot Stiff, not directly, but he might as well have. He killed brothers.
He doesn't realize he's crying until Tup crouches down beside him and just puts a hand on his shoulder, says, "Good job, vod."
It shouldn't be comforting.
It is.
The Commander is-not dead, but close to dead, and Kix might be too, and a part of him recognizes that General Skywalker is there but somehow that just feels… unimportant, childish, now. His brothers are dead.
He killed them.
...
Everything is so blessedly quiet .
It's peaceful and light and he wants to walk here forever , that would be perfect. Healing vibrates in the air and he loves it, loves how everything feels like it's coming together, repairing, recovering from - he doesn't know.
Hello, little one.
He does remember this voice, his bones recognize it, and he responds easily, naturally. Hey, vod. The word comes from… somewhere, seems to fit, but for some reason it seems to amuse the voice - the Force, because there's a hum of not-quite-laughter.
You're safe now, Kix , and the name feels important but maybe that's just because the Force is saying it. Time to let go.
He's not totally sure what that means. Let go of what?
Them.
Kix doesn't think that should make him feel anxious - but the healing peace hums and soothes over the anxiety.
I warned you you would burn, little one. This is what happens. (There's an image of a thought process, of someone saying "I don't care if I burn.)
Yes, the Force had told him a few times, he thinks. Why didn't he listen, he- He thinks it was something about his… friends?
What happens if I don't let go?
You must, or it will hurt.
Kix frowns, digging for the reason why he doesn't want to just... sink into the healing and give up the idea of before here.
Something - someone? - is prickling in the back of his mind and he doesn't really want to pay it mind but he does, mostly unperturbed.
Little one, you must release them, the Force sighs, and Kix doesn't remember much of anything, there's no need for it, but he can't quite dismiss the feeling - he's sure it's a voice - saying that he has to come back .
But here is nice and safe and warm and calm and he thinks he should be allowed a rest, because… because before he was so tired . And this is a place that heals things and he remembers that's something he loves.
Someone is still trying to get his attention and he doesn't want to deal with it.
Make a decision, little one, the Force says, sounding heavy. If you don't let go, this will be harder .
What will? Would you just talk straight to me? Kix's irritation is a warm burst of sharpness before the peace eases it away.
You are going to die, little one. If you cannot let go of them, this will hurt you .
From somewhere, a memory comes, like a breeze.
( He lost the will to live, Jesse, there wasn't anything left for me to do.
His vod doesn't know how to accept that. Why would anyone just give up? he'd said.
Because it hurt too much, and he was too damaged. Kix sees it too often.)
And, carried with the memory, a voice - Jesse's voice - saying "I know it hurts but you have to come back. We need you, you can't just give up."
Kix, you are dying. This is not a matter of willing yourself awake, the Force says, sweeps the memory and Jesse's voice away, and that isn't right.
Give him back, he protests, and the peace tugs at him and it's wonderful but it means losing Jesse and his name and-
Here you are, Kix. The new voice is… nice, gentle, amused. Kix should recognize it, he thinks, but he can't.
This one is too far gone, Jedi, the Force says, and Kix frowns. There's a thread of something pulsing and alive through the peace now and when he reaches for it, it's pain , but also memory.
Give me what I ask for, the voice commands. Let me heal him. Now.
He deserves to rest, Jedi. Let him go.
Kix doesn't want to be let go, doesn't want to let go himself. Because memory is important. Because Jesse doesn't want him to give up. Because he thinks someone needs him.
So he reaches towards the Force, cuts off its piqued conversation with the voice- Obi-Wan Kenobi. Please, vod. I'm still needed.
He senses the Force is almost angry with him. You are foolish, little one.
Please.
The Force sighs like wind through trees, and power coalesces, the healing peace shifting. And Kix feels memory and awareness rushing back, and with them
pain.
...
Rex is softly crying, curled over Ahsoka, murmuring to her in Mando'a. His Padawan is alive, awake, but not responsive-which, Anakin supposes, is only to be expected given how much pain she's in.
"Obi-Wan," he says, trying to keep his voice from shaking, and his Master looks up from Kix-from Kix, kriffing Kix, a Force-sensitive, what the kriff, why does no one ever tell him this stuff-and Obi-Wan is exhausted already but this is important. "I've done everything I can, but-I'm no good at Force-healing, and she's bad, Master."
Obi-Wan nods, says, "Cody, help get the wounded into a medbay," to which the 212th's Commander nods and salutes, sharply, and then Obi-Wan stands slowly and makes his way over to Ahsoka.
She looks so small, curled up like this, her body riddled with blaster wounds, and he wants to stay with her but there's something important here, and he really really wants to know why the kriff his men all have their heads shaved and bandages everywhere and why are Ahsoka's lightsabers silver and Rex's arm in a sling and-he stands, distantly noticing that all the shinies come to attention almost instinctively-side effect of that Force-command he'd used, he supposes.
That, and he is a war hero, the Hero With No Fear.
He frowns a little, turns in a circle, counting the men in 501st blue- "Tup, Dogma, Jesse, Fives, Rex, Kix, Tuck," and they look over at him, saluting wearily.
Except Jesse, who's talking to Kix in a steady stream of soft, rippling Mando'a and quietly crying. "Damn you, ori'vod," he says roughly, and Anakin has to turn away, because this is private, this is not meant for him.
Tup has his hand on the shoulder of one of the shinies, who's crying over the body of another one-his batchmate, maybe? Probably the kid's first battle, and that's a shame. This isn't a good first battle.
"Yes, sir?" Fives finally asks, looking exhausted and pained and kriff, something had to have happened to put that much sheer raw anguish in the ARC trooper's eyes.
"Can somebody please tell me what the kriffing hell happened here?"
There's a long silence, Fives glancing over at Dogma, then at Tup, then at Tuck. The assistant medic is swaying on his feet, but his hands are steady as he organizes a jar of bacta (where the kriff did they get that?), a couple small bacta patches, painkillers, bandages. Impressive. He probably deserves a promotion.
"It's complicated," Fives finally says, and Anakin has to resist the urge to snap because obviously. "We got Rex out in time, and then the Commander had some kind of Force thing, and we had to barricade ourselves in a lab while she and Rex snapped out of it. She said something about shatterpoints?"
Anakin nods. He'd felt the shatterpoint hit-kriff, every single Force-sensitive, Jedi or not, probably felt it. It was a big one. "Right, keep going."
Fives falls silent, shifting, looking down at his feet, and it's Tup-wandering over, the shiny trailing behind him-who picks up the thread of the story. "She was trying to tell us what she'd seen when she said-" and he hesitates. "An auditory trigger I can't say right now. She accidentally said it and we all just-"
He stops, looks down, shoulders shaking.
"Every clone trooper has an organic biochip implanted in their brain," Tuck says swiftly, all business, like he's reciting a diagnosis or something, and Anakin swallows because he can't dismiss the foreboding and horror sitting heavy in his gut. "The chips are programmed to take over when activated by an auditory trigger, giving orders to kill the Jedi."
Kill the Jedi.
But that means-
"No," Anakin breathes out, staggering back a step, because that's not possible. That means that his men aren't-aren't his troopers, they're his death sentence. "But that would wipe the Jedi out-"
"Commander Tano thought that's the point," the shiny says carefully, a bit nervously, and looking at him Anakin sees he also has a bandage on his temple.
"So you attacked Ahsoka?" Anakin finally asks, and none of them can meet his eyes.
He swears, because this isn't their fault, but-but he knows whose fault it is, and lucky for him he's not very far away from them. The Kaminoans. "Kriffing cloners," he spits out, anger rising, and they almost killed his Padawan and he wants to make them pay and-
"Master," a faint, faint voice whispers, taut with pain and emotion, "I'm not-dead. Remember-Tatooine."
Remember Tatooine.
Anakin snarls out a swear, ignores how literally every kriffing trooper except Rex flinches, and he slams his fist into the wall and leans his forehead into it, shoulders trembling. Remember Tatooine. As though he could ever forget-
But he almost had, he'd almost done it again, and a wave of sickening revulsion swamps him in self-hatred and shame. "Snips," he murmurs, drops to his knees again beside her, because she has to be okay. She'll be okay. She will. "I'm so sorry."
Her eyes flicker open, unfocused and vague, but she's looking at him and there were a few moments where he thought she might never look at him again, he might never see her smile again, and- "'S fine, Skyguy," she slurs, and then she sucks in a sharp, gasping breath, closing her eyes. " Ow . Where-Rex?"
...
Rex grabs her hand and threads his fingers between hers, wants to kiss her again but General Kenobi is here and Anakin and his men need him again. "Hey, Soka," he says softly, keeping up his projection of love so maybe her pain won't be so bad. Kenobi's helped, he can tell, but it's still so much . "You're okay," he says, more of the same reassuring nonsense. His battalion and the 212th are working their way through the wounded, some of them shinies, a very few of them their own. Rex's own squad members don't let Scratch or the other field medics near them, and he understands. They'd have to leave and get to the ship and they aren't going until they all can.
Kenobi looks pained and tired, although that's mostly just a tightness around his eyes and mouth - he's much more controlled than Anakin, always has been.
"General," Rex says, and he doesn't quite feel like he can talk to Kenobi, not knowing how close he and his brothers had been to killing Ahsoka - Cody is going to want the surgery now when he hears. "Is Kix okay?"
Kenobi sighs roughly, glancing over at the medic. Jesse is still sitting by him, and won't let Scratch take him. Scratch is angry, but Rex doesn't care and neither, apparently, does Jesse. "He's not okay ," he says shortly. "He's apparently been suppressing the Force for years and then he decided to throw himself headfirst into it. That's not even mentioning his injuries. But he's stabilized now, anyway." Kenobi gives him a sharp look and Rex automatically looks down, curling his fingers tighter around Ahsoka's. "How long have you all known? Is this another of those many secrets you're keeping from me, because if so, we're going to need to have a conversation - all of us. I can't keep finding out about these things when it's too late for me to help."
"No, sir," Rex says. "None of us knew." Except perhaps Jesse, he thinks, looking at his vod's pained face.
"Wonderful," Kenobi sighs, starting to stand up and swaying, nearly falling. Rex can't really stand himself, but thankfully Anakin gets to his feet and takes the General's arm.
"Master, you've overextended yourself."
"It was rather important, Anakin," Kenobi snaps, and Rex looks down at Ahsoka's face. She's closed her eyes again and that sends a thrill of anxiety up his spine, even though he can feel that she's still awake, still here. He should get up, should check on his squad, should talk Brii through the almost inevitable first battle guilt and panic, should go help Jesse, should get everyone moving but. He's exhausted and his Generals are both here and Cody is overseeing the medics. He can worry about his squad in a bit.
Later. When he doesn't feel like if he looks away from Ahsoka he'll lose her.
He startles when someone puts a hand on his shoulder and then crouches next to him - it's Fives, and his friend looks as tired as he feels, but he's there and it helps. "She's gonna be okay, vod ," Fives says, and Rex nods. "We should go. She needs a bacta tank and your arm isn't looking so good either."
"My…?" Rex stops, focuses, and oh kriff . Ow. There's a hole in his left arm and he'd assumed the pain was just from Ahsoka, like the rest, but he hurts .
"Yeah, vod , I didn't think you'd noticed, you were…" Fives shrugs and Rex knows what he's saying.
"I didn't," he says, gritting his teeth. "Now I do, kriffing hells ."
They should go, get the kriff off this planet and leave and go home. He wants to sleep, wants to make sure all his men can finally rest too. The uninjured shinies are all still awkwardly milling around the room, and he wants to say something to them, wants to tell them that his squad doesn't hate them, doesn't blame them, because they will remember this for a long time. But he doesn't know how and he can't focus enough, at all.
At least later he can take the time to talk to the kid, Brii.
But later , he'll worry about that later .
Ahsoka, I'm tired, he thinks, and she does respond, with a wave of gentleness.
Me too .
He avoids the memory digging at the back of his mind, of promises . Promises the clones don't make lightly, things… he doesn't know. Now isn't the time. Later .
...
Tup is tired.
This entire mission has just been bantha-shit from start to finish, and too many vod'e are dead (there shouldn't be any, you just don't kill brothers, you don't do that), and his Commander looks like death, and Kix is-not good, and-
And the kid, Brii, is crying.
"Hey, kid," Tup says gently. "Batchmate?"
Brii nods, swallows. "We-named each other."
Kriff. First battle, too. He doesn't know what to say-there's nothing to say-so he just nods quietly in acknowledgement.
"What if-" and Brii stops, hesitates. "What if it was me?"
Double kriff. "You did what you had to," Tup says gruffly. "None of this should've happened. But it did, and we can't change that, so we learn to live with it." That's awful advice, but it's the advice he'd been given after his first battle, minus the whole this shouldn't have happened bit. And once he'd understood it, it had helped. Sorta.
"But-I killed vod'e," and the kid doesn't seem to be able to get past that.
Neither would Tup, if he let himself think about it. So he doesn't. "Don't think about it," he urges, and notices then that Fives has Ahsoka in his arms and Rex is really unsteady on his feet but next to the ARC trooper (surprise…), and Jesse's got Kix and his glare promises death to anyone who tries to separate them. His squad is moving out. "C'mon, kid, time to go."
Kenobi is leaning against the wall and arguing with Cody over something, Tup's not sure what-and then the General sways and almost collapses, and Cody simply picks him up and says, loudly, "Opinion noted, sir."
Well, that answers that. Tup has to grin a little. Brii looks shocked, probably by Cody's refusal to listen. "They do that a lot," he says, and the kid jumps.
"Really?"
"Kenobi is stubborn. Damn Jedi don't know what's good for them," he says, rolls his eyes. "Even General Skywalker gets like that sometimes."
"Oh."
That word is quickly becoming a sign that Brii has no kriffing idea what's going on, but doesn't want to keep asking questions, and Tup sighs, feeling a fond grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Well, you survived your first battle, kid. I guess that means you aren't a shiny anymore. You'll have to put some color on that white armor of yours."
"We don't get to paint our armor," Brii says quickly. "Here. On Kamino. We aren't part of a battalion, so we don't get paint." He looks disappointedat that.
"You like painting?" Tup asks.
And the kid glows. "Yes, sir! When I was a cadet, I used to draw what I'd put on my armor! I give tattoos, too," and he smiles shyly. "My batchmates say I'm really good at them."
The kid's a kriffing artist. "Well," Tup says, fighting a laugh, "the 501st needs a good artist. And someone to give us new tattoos. Did you know, the Captain doesn't even have one?"
Brii's eyes go wide and round, and kriff but he's adorable when he does that. "Really?"
"Really." Tup spares a moment of pity for Rex, but not much. "Welcome to the 501st, Brii."
...
Rex doesn't know if he's ever been happier to get back to the Resolute and the cold metal floors and the near-constant sound of the engines humming. They want him to go to the medbay right away, and it's only Tuck's insistence that it'll be fine, that they'll all be there, that gets him to listen. His whole little squad goes, and what feels like half of the rest of the battalion. Part of him is a small voice warning that he's going to run out of adrenaline and fear and energy and strength soon, now that he's safe , and so he listens to Tuck and stays at Fives' shoulder, close to Ahsoka.
Some of his men don't need anything from the med bay other than rest (because fighting after a brain surgery is possibly not ideal, Rex thinks), but he suspects even if they were all perfectly healthy they'd show up anyway.
Scratch has come on board the Resolute with them, probably since neither of their medics are in any shape to be managing a whole squad (and then some) of injured and traumatized troopers. Tuck is still in charge for now, and he lets Rex stay on his feet until Ahsoka is safely laid out on a bunk, then he makes him lie down on the bunk next to hers and pull off his armor and boots. Rex hurts , and he'd messed up his shoulder again when he was trying to get to Ahsoka.
"Please at least try to rest, Captain," Tuck sighs, and Rex nods.
"You need to, too, Tuck. You did really good."
The assistant medic smiles a little. "Thanks."
Everything is just… hollow.
Scratch is working on Ahsoka and Tuck (despite the fact that he really needs rest) is taking care of Kix and some junior medic is bandaging Rex's wounds and making him drink water every few minutes. At some point Anakin comes into the med bay, pulls a chair between Rex and Ahsoka's bunks, and sits down with his elbows on his knees, just waiting.
Rex wants to ask him all kinds of questions but his brain has more or less shut down and he feels slow and weak and stupid, can't really even think straight. At least that way, though, the pain feels more distant, less immediate, like it belongs to someone else. Most of the time. Every now and then it all knifes back into focus, sharp and clear and loud and he tenses, groans, breathes through it. He just wants to sleep but he can't. He's not sure why not.
...
Tuck is moving almost on autopilot as he cleans the myriad of blaster wounds all over Kix's body; he's exhausted and his legs are trembling, like they might give out at any moment, but his hands are steady and that's the important thing. It feels almost like everything extra has been pared away, leaving him empty and hollow, laser-focused on his task. Kix and the Commander need bacta tanks. So does the Captain, probably. Brii, the shiny, had gotten shot in his right shoulderblade at some point and hadn't even noticed until Tup saw the scorchmarks on the kid's armor. Tup, Jesse, Fives, and Dogma are all on bunks, resting, under observation to make sure the surgery doesn't have any previously unforeseen complications.
Kix still needs his chip out.
Rex won't go to sleep.
The same line of thoughts circles around and around and around his head, like a flock of carrion birds, and he swallows hard, clings to the comforting familiarity of medical procedures and every technique he's ever learned for how to keep his hands steady in poor conditions, because the simple, clinical nature of those thoughts blocks out the hissing whisper he can't quite forget.
Good soldiers follow orders.
And he had.
Blindly, without even questioning, he'd heard good soldiers follow orders and kill the Jedi and just like in the nightmares he'd listened.
Rex needs to sleep, so Tuck steps away from Kix for a moment, grabs a sedative, and hides it in his palm, walking over and grabbing Rex's arm like he's inspecting the bandage. Before the Captain is aware of what he's really doing, Tuck's pulled out the sedative and injected it. "Nighty-night, Cap," he says casually, too casually, knows the General and Scratch and others are staring at him because he doesn't talk like that, doesn't care.
"What the kriff," Rex starts, and then the sedative takes effect and his voice slurs a bit as he drifts. "I'm going to kill you later…"
"You do that," Tuck mutters, walks away.
Who says he hasn't picked up a few tricks from Kix?
Kix.
The senior medic needs his chip out, now.
Tuck starts laying out the tools for the surgery, mechanical, methodical: a scalpel, and gauze, and a pair of forceps, and a shallow pan to catch the chip. He finds an IV stand and a bag, preps the anesthesia, calculates the timing as precisely as he can.
Clean gloves.
Cotton swab, sterilize Kix's elbow, insert the IV needle. His aim is accurate and his hands are steady, and he finds the vein on the first try. He hooks up the tubes, starts the drip.
Clean gloves.
"Tuck," someone says, and he looks up to see Scratch at his right elbow. "What the kriff are you doing?"
"I have to get his chip out," Tuck says calmly.
"Tuck, you're about to fall over."
Tuck shrugs. That's not a priority. "My hands are steady. I've done this seven times already, Scratch. I know what I'm doing." He thinks his voice is too flat, but there's no extra energy for emotion. He turns back to Kix's head, starts shaving away the carefully styled hair (Kix is going to be so disappointed when he wakes up).
Scratch doesn't grab his elbow, if only because the 212th's senior medic knows better than to jolt his hands while he has a razor blade against Kix's head. "Tuck, listen to me, vod. You're kriffing dead on your feet. Let me do this."
"You don't know how." That doesn't quite sound like he'd meant it to.
"I'm a kriffing senior medic. If you can do it, so can I."
"You don't know where to look," which is more what he'd meant the first time, though it just sounds like another excuse.
"So I'll run a molecular-level bioscan and find it," Scratch says, patiently. "You need to sleep."
Tuck shakes his head (and then sways, because kriff that makes him dizzy), panic surging through him. "I can't!"
Because what if he wakes up and it wasn't the chips, what if it was just him all along? What if he wakes up and the nightmare is real again? What if when he falls asleep the orders take over and he wakes up and he's killed them and-
"Easy, easy," Scratch says, quickly, pulls the razor from Tuck's hand and sets it down, puts his hands on his shoulders and turns Tuck to face him. "Breathe, vod. It's over, you're safe, the Commander is safe," except she's not, she could still die and, and, and, "Reese," Scratch says, and one of the junior medics comes over, "run a molecular-level bioscan on Kix, locate that biochip, and finish surgery prep. I'll be right back." Reese salutes, and Scratch takes Tuck by the hand, leads him over to an empty bunk and sits him down. "Talk to me, vod."
He doesn't want to say it aloud, doesn't want to admit what he'd done, because then that makes this all real. "I tried to kill Commander Tano," he says anyway, looking down at his hands so he doesn't have to meet Scratch's eyes.
"Because of the chip, I know," the medic says, and Tuck's fear bursts out of him before he can swallow it back.
"But what if it wasn't?" He's panicking and he can't seem to breathe and his hands are not steady anymore and he can't stop shaking and he has to stop shaking, he has to, he needs his hands to be steady, shaky hands could kill vod'e and he's killed vod'e today but his hands weren't shaking then, his hands and his blaster were steady as he aimed and fired, aimed and fired, and his blaster wasn't set to stun, and he was shooting to kill, and-
"Tuck, would you ever try to kill the Commander, in your right mind?" Scratch asks, patient and soft and calm, and Tuck shakes his head because no, never, he would never! He's a medic, not a soldier.
"No-I've-I've spent too much time and effort patching her up to just kill her," he manages.
Scratch grins. "Then it was the chip. Sleep well, vod," and he squeezes Tuck's bare arm where he'd rolled the sleeves of his blacks up to get them out of the way.
He almost doesn't register the prick of a needle against his skin, but when he does, he swears, because that's using his own trick against him, that's cheating…
Mando'a translations:
Mhi solus tome [...] mhi me'dinui an: those Mandalorian marriage vows again (are they technically married now? does it not count? who knows! not us)
Gedet'ye: please
Mesh'la, cyarika jetii: Beautiful, darling Jedi.
Ori'vod: big brother/very close friend