A/N: As mentioned earlier this is a crack fic and won't be completely compliant with the books. For one I am ignoring some character deaths besides the ones inside the games.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games trilogy. All rights reserved to the amazing author.
Banned
Amendment A
"Did you see what your girlfriend wrote me Peeta? It was a love letter. I threw it away because I ain't the type of guy to steal another's girl," Haymitch chuckled. Peeta let out a slow long breath. He was much better equipped to handle this man than Katniss was but he was starting to see why she made the list in the first place.
"It wasn't a love letter," Peeta managed to say back annoyed.
"It was. That girl has her eye out for me. Been trying to get me from day one."
Trying to get you sober from day one, Peeta thought to himself. Although there was the rare occasion that Katniss did let Haymitch drink and even joined him herself but he knew it was the continuous non-stop unhealthy behavior that annoyed Katniss. If they could handle the games, if they could handle their world being stolen from them sober, Haymitch should be able to as well. Although Haymitch didn't have someone to love unconditionally, or someone to love him back. The closest thing he had to anyone was the two of them.
That was probably what upset Katniss. Haymitch was the closest thing she had to a father figure in her life now and he was constantly drowning himself in large amounts of alcohol.
"Tomato potato," Haymitch said waving his liquor around happily. Peeta discreetly snagged the bottle away from him and flung the contents in a bush outside.
"You mean…" Peeta sighed cutting himself off and deciding to not bother in correcting him.
"Look Haymitch I came over here because I wanted your help on something."
"You promised you would never ask anything from me again after the Quarter Quell," Haymitch barked his demeanor turning dark when he tried to take a swing from his bottle before realizing it wasn't there.
"Forget it," Peeta growled. He rounded the corner of the Victor's village and stomped up to his own. Thankful to finally have a reason to escape the madman in a fake fit of anger. He would have stayed longer but honestly his patience was wearing thin and even with Haymitch's slower response rate he was catching on to him.
"Katniss!" he called hoping she wasn't out in the woods.
"In here," she called from the other room softly. He followed the direction her voice came in and sat in the chair next to her.
"A day with Haymitch. Are you crazy?" he growled scooping up Buttercup so the cat rested on his lap. It growled in protest but for the most part the cat tolerated him.
"Annoying isn't he? I want him to see how annoying he is."
"Well I got plenty more for your stupid list," Peeta half growled but a smile was forming over his face. He knew Katniss would laugh at some of the things he would tell her.
"Wait!" she said jumping up from the couch, "Let me grab a pen."
()()()()()()()()()
Tacked neatly on his door was the same list he had seen the other day but this time there was a second page. Amendment A, it read on the top in neat letters. Definitely different writing than the first page, but still neat and precise. He rolled his eyes before smirking at down at the list. Peeta could get that much in a day? He must be worse than he thought.
46. When speaking to someone you may not try to describe their nose as a way of addressing them.
47. You may not say 'May the odds ever be in your favor', and then throw something large and harmful at someone. I.E. dropping a toaster off the roof and trying to hit Effie.
48. Peeta is the muffin man and you don't get any cookies for being a smart ass.
49. When Katniss goes out into the woods and climbs a tree, you cannot hum mission impossible music.
50. You can't scream 'death from above' when hovercrafts appear. It might cause any victor or retired army personnel to freak out.
51. 'I'm just Finnick-ing you' doesn't mean you are teasing someone unless you are Finnick. You may not say this phrase.
52. You are not allowed to play a drinking game that involves you drinking until Effie looks like normal to your standards.
53. You can't do tongue twisters 'even on a good day' and it only makes you vomit. So please refrain from the urge to talk about Sally selling sea shells by the sea shore.
54. Greasy Sae isn't your girlfriend on the weekends and house maid on weekdays.
55. We thought we told you no bread and oven jokes?
56. Dumping water on you is apparently the only way to wake you up. Don't ask how you got wet when you know the answer.
57. You aren't allowed to put any type of living creature (especially small bugs) on Effie just to see if she will knock off her wig in her failing.
58. You may not tell people from the Capitol that alcoholism is contagious and they will catch it if they hang out with you long enough just to get them to go away. We all find them annoying but they don't know any better.
59. You are not allowed in Effie's bathroom just so you can attempt to flush down some of her makeup.
60. Nor may you try and sample her products to see if you can pull off her look any better.
61. You are not allowed in Effie's house for that matter.
62. Your alcohol may bring all the boys to the yard but so does Katniss's squirrels. And it's better than yours.
63. Besides that joke, neither Peeta nor Haymitch may ever say it again either within Katniss's presence or away.
64. You may not attempt to grow your hair so you can braid it like Katniss.
65. Just because you have 35 years on Peeta does not mean you can start an argument over who is hotter, and then take off your clothes to try and prove a point.
66. You may not point at Effie and refer to her as a female version of a walking traffic light when she wears pink, orange, and green.
67. You may not try and attempt to set Peeta up on a date with Effie just to 'kill two birds with one stone'.
68. You may not sneak around the Hob and take embarrassing pictures of people to use as leverage to get more alcohol.
69. You may not take a Polaroid camera, take shirtless pictures of yourself, and then post them all over the Hob and District 12.
70. You may not point at said pictures and say 'HA! See I was on fire way before you Peeta… because I'm so HOT!'
71. You may not replace all of Effie's shoes with sliced bread with strings tied to them and then tell her that she needs to find a clam to produce a diamond to give to a wizard that will turn her shoes back to normal.
72. The broth Greasy Sae gives you doesn't have magical powers and you can't see into the future.
73. You may not collect the entire District's supply of spoons, claiming you need them to read your soup to see the future.
73. You may not pretend you can't get off the couch because you broke your back the previous night.
74. Nor may you go into explicated detail of how you 'supposedly' broke your back.
75. You may not talk about your nonexistent sex life with Peeta and then tell him to get it while he can before he gets too old and breaks his back doing that.
76. Wild dog is not your favorite sex position with Effie. You two don't have sex and if you do no more talking to Peeta or Katniss about it EVER again.
77. You may not wink at Effie across the table when wild dog is being served for dinner.
78. You may not taste test every bottle of liquid you see to see if it contains alcohol.
79. You may not claim that you are Katniss's real father and that her mother had an affair with you. That isn't why you guys have the same eye color or why Prim has blonde hair.
80. Nor can you claim that Gale is really your kid as well and that he and Katniss are really brother and sister.
81. 'I'm drunk' is not the answer for every question you may encounter.
82. You may not set up a series of loud traps so you can judge who is coming over. You can just wait for people to knock or come in.
83. You may not refer to Peeta as 'sweetheart' or 'love'. It's creepy.
84. You may not pretend you don't know how to read.
85. Nor may you place books under your pillow so the knowledge will come to you while you sleep off your hangover.
86. 'All's fair in love and war' is not an excuse to try and set Effie up with anyone.
87. Nor may you use Effie as a human shield when Katniss is in a bad mood with you.
88. You may not purposefully antagonize Effie about how her wig looks crooked.
89. Nor may you claim you did so on accident and then smirk.
90. Just because someone almost daily throws a bucket of water on you it does not count as your shower.
91. Nor does standing in the rain for a little bit count as a shower either.
92. Liquor does have healing purposes but you can't claim that by consuming it you are purifying yourself and therefore have to drink an obscene amount.
93. Peeta is not the gingerbread man and you may not chase him around. Nor may you tell people in the District that he is in disguise and see how many people join you.
94. You are not allowed to start a riot just so you can carry a torch around.
95. Nor may you start a riot to see if Finnick will grab a pitchfork or a trident and then laugh at him for either choice.
96. Finnick may run around half naked for fun but you may not join him while claiming to be hunting for some lady friends.
97. You may not attempt to see how long it takes a 'real' blush to show through Effie's make up.
98. Nor may you attempt to lick her face to clean off a 'smudge'.
99. You may not yell 'Farkle' 'Uno' or 'Yatzee' when you see a victor.
100. You may not complain loudly that you have marker on your face when it is just freckles that you were born with. Nor may you claim that they are new and then proceed to check the rest of your body for them, especially in public.
Signed –
Katniss, and Peeta
He chuckled to himself. This time he neatly folded the list inside his pocket and made his way back silently into the house. Did they think they could just write all these things and get away with it? He wasn't that kind. He would take his revenge and very soon.
A/N: I am going to keep this story marked as complete. I may update randomly throughout the year though so keep an eye out for it. This update is so soon because of the amazing feedback I got for the first chapter. Glad you guys enjoyed it. :)