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Warning: brief mention of sexual abuse and rape regarding Natasha's past

Chapter 7

Natasha unlocked Steve's front door and walked straight to his bedroom, got one of his hoodies out of his closet and changed into it. She crawled into his bed and wrapped herself into his blankets and took in his smell. Steve was with STRIKE in Kongo and she had been sleeping in his bed since he left. His smell comforted her. She got her phone out and scrolled down until she found her conversation with her boyfriend. She smiled when she saw that he was online.

Hey!

Hi, doll:)

Are you alone right now?

Yeah, why?

She smirked to herself and sent him the photos she took of herself a week ago when Steve had been out with Sam and she used the time to sneak into his apartment (she didn't really sneak in, they exchanged keys after their love confessions) and took some naked selfies with Steve's shield.

Enjoy;)

HOLY FUCK! NAT! HOLY SHIT!

She knew he would like the photos.

I hope you know I can never look at my shield again without having these images in my head!

That's the idea, Captain!

Fuck, I wish you were here now!

Why? Your little super soldier needs my attention?

Um...

You ever heard about sexting?

She got comfortable in his bed and texted with him about what they would to each other if they were together right now and really wished that it were his hands between her legs and not her own. Her fingers weren't as long and thick as his. Coulson would probably jump off a balcony if he knew that his beloved Captain America was sexting during a mission.

A few days later she woke up in his bed with two strong arms wrapped around her. She pressed herself closer against Steve. "Welcome back." She mumbled.

He kissed her hair. "Go back to sleep, sweetheart."

" 'kay." She barely noticed how he buried his head in her hair and tightened his hold on her. "Love you." She slurred and went back to sleep.

She thought at first that she just dreamed about Steve coming back but he was really here when she opened her eyes. He was still asleep and she snuggled closer to him being happy that her boyfriend was back. She wouldn't tell him that she had been in Philadelphia two days ago sent by Fury to kill someone who was after the serum in his veins. She said immediately yes when Fury asked her to leave her post in DC to deal with this threat. She would spill as much blood as necessary to protect her love. Not that she told Fury that. She said that she was itching to get some action and that hadn't been a lie. She loved domestic life with Steve but she also missed kicking ass.

She ended up falling asleep again and woke up when Steve walked in with two mugs of coffee in his hands. "Morning, doll."

She smiled and took one mug. "Morning, babe." She had been trying nicknames for him and this one so far didn't sound too ridiculous coming from her. She couldn't pull of sweetheart like he did. But he seemed to like babe because he smiled brightly every time she said it. She took a sip of her coffee and Steve had made it exactly the way she liked it. Extra sweet even though he joked that he was worried about her teeth.

"So...those photos you sent me...got me thinking." He was slightly blushing and she got curious. "Do you maybe...could we maybe try to...make love on my shield?"

Who knew that Captain America was a bit kinky? She pushed the blankets off and pulled Steve's hoodie over her head. "Let's ravel our balls of yarn!"

He laughed but stared with hunger in his eyes at her naked body. "Where did you hear that?"

"I may or may not googled dirty talk from the 40s. Didn't really get me that hot to be honest."

He grabbed her ankle and pulled her towards him. "Maybe I can get you hot?"

She snorted but let him kiss her with teeth and tongue. Okay, he did get her hot. "Babe?"

He was currently sucking a hickey on her right breast. "Yeah?"

"Your shield..."

She never thought in a million years that something like this would ever happen to her, yet here she was with her back on the arch of Captain America's shield with Captain America on top of her thrusting into her so deep that her body was singing. Not that she was complaining. Oh no, they really had to do this again.

She kept ignoring Clint until he started to threaten to tell Fury about her intimate relationship with Steve if she didn't text him back. Natasha knew that he would never tell their boss but she felt bad for ghosting him so she wrote him that she was working on it but that she was so happy. He just texted back that she should be careful.

Aside from telling him fake stories about her work as a nurse she only told him true facts about Natasha. She had to leave some parts out but she told him as much as possible. She even told him one night in the safety of his arms and the darkness of her bedroom that she was sexually abused. She changed the Red Room to an orphanage but everything else really happened. He deserved to know that she was damaged goods. She was so dirty compared to him.

He held her close to his chest and told her that he was so sorry this happened to her and that she was so brave and beautiful. And that he loved her so much. He had been unsure the next time they made love but she assured him that she never thought about it when she was with him and that she loved him and knew that he would never do something like that to her. He made so slowly and gently love to her that she almost cried.

Fall was officially here and Steve took her to the carnival after she admitted that she had never been to one. He got them sugar-coated apples and cotton candy and insisted to kiss any leftovers off her lips. She grinned like an idiot and let him drag her to the swing carousel and the Ferris Wheel. Was this how teenagers felt? Steve won her a teddy bear and she allowed herself to show off a bit with her perfect aim and won him one too. They gave them to two girls whose dad missed and didn't win anything. Steve left to get her something to drink and she spotted a booth selling all kinds of stuff. She grinned when she saw handcuffs and bought a pair quickly shoving them into her purse when Steve came back with their drinks. She would surprise him with that when they were home. They walked hand in hand over a field to get to the roller coaster and Steve was telling her about Bucky and their trips to Coney Island when she saw Rumlow walking into their direction. He was with some girl he clearly would try to fuck later. She had to be a Tinder date or something, no woman who spent more than five minutes with him would want to go on a date with him. Rumlow had been trying for years to get into her pants. She wondered briefly how he would react if he knew that she let his CO pretty much daily into her pants. Rumlow was coming closer and she quickly grabbed Steve and kissed him hoping his baseball cap and her blonde hair would make them unrecognizable. Steve kissed her eagerly back and after they pulled apart she saw how Rumlow was leaving the carnival. She was positive that he didn't saw them.

Back at her apartment she showed Steve the handcuffs and he was so kind to pretend that they could hold him. She cuffed him to her headboard and enjoyed how much he struggled not to rip the cuffs apart to get his hands on her while she was having her wicked way with him. An hour later deeply satisfied she uncuffed him and plopped down next to him and took a look at all the hickeys she left on his body. She was almost sorry that they would be gone in the morning.

"Wow!" Steve breathed out and now that his hands were free he wasted no time to get them on her body."That was really great!"

"Mm." She purred under his touch.

He brushed his thumb over her nipple. "Any chance we can do it with the roles reversed?"

She froze having a flashback of her childhood being handcuffed to the bed in the Red Room. "I...don't..."

"Shit, right." He kissed her cheek. "I forgot that you were...abused in your orphanage." He had a hard time saying the word raped. "I'm sorry, Nat. I understand. I won't ask again."

"I'm sorry." She was sorry for not telling him the entire truth and for not being able to give this to him after he had giving it to her. "It's not that I don't trust you...It's..."

"Shh, I understand. Don't worry."

She snuggled against his chest and fell asleep in his strong and safe arms. She woke up in the middle of the night by Steve's loud screams. He was screaming his friend Bucky's name and tossing around in bed with sweat on his skin.

"Steve?" She shook him. "Steve? Wake up. It's just a nightmare!"

She shook him again and all of a sudden he grabbed her and threw her out of bed against a dresser. That woke him up and he stared at her in panic. She stood up trying her hardest not to groan in pain and walked to the bed.

"No!" Steve jumped out of the bed and pressed himself against the wall that was the furthest away from her. "I don't want to hurt you again. Stay back!"

"It's okay. It was an accident!" She said softly. "I'm not hurt."

"I could have killed you!" He looked in so much pain. "Do you have any idea how strong I am? One wrong move and I could crush your skull...I have to leave, I'm sorry."

"What? No, Steve!" He walked out of the bedroom and she ran after him. She didn't think he was realizing that he was butt naked. Not that it was important right now. "Please, don't leave! Let us talk about what happend."

"I was having an episode in my sleep and almost killed you."

"You didn't almost kill me."

"Natalie, I'm strong enough to throw you through a wall. Literally."

"You would never hurt me!"

"I just did." He growled and she turned the light on and saw that he had tears in his eyes. She walked closer to him wanting to hug him but he backed into a corner. "No, Nat! Don't!"

"Tell me about your episode." Maybe talking about it would help him. She wanted to help him. She wanted to tell him that he was no danger to her because she knew how to defend herself, she knew 21 ways to kill him right now in her living room without any weapons on her naked body. He was no threat to her. "What did you dream about? You yelled Bucky's name."

He stared into nothing. "His fall and death. It was like it was happening all over again...Maybe the carnival triggered it. We loved to ride roller coasters...Saved all our money to go to Coney Island...He always looked out for me and when it counted...I let him fall...I...I almost had him...Nat, I almost had him..." He started crying and sank to the floor. She grabbed the blanket from the couch, wrapped it around his shoulders and pulled him against her chest.

Steve only shared the bed with her again after talking to Sam about the incident and she promised him to take self-defense classes to protect herself.

"Oh God, don't stop! Fuck! Yes, right there!" She moaned and arched her back off the blankets and her handswere searching for Steve's head between her legs. "Steve!" He sucked on her clit harder and added a third finger into her. Steve had surprised her with a weekend at a cabin to make up for attacking her two weeks ago. They had a picnic under the stars on a glade near their cabin and soon got rid off their clothes to give into each other. She never knew it had been on her bucket list but now she could cross off Captain America eating her out with a million stars looking down on them. She keened when she finally climaxed and Steve didn't stop lapping at her folds until she tugged on his hair gently. Really, the guy had to have some kind of oral fixation. She wasn't exaggerating when she said that he literally had spent once a whole afternoon with his head between her legs curious to see how many times he could make her come.

He pressed kisses along the inside of her thigh and moved up her body pushing the blanket off of them. Jesus! It was fucking cold! She whined and quickly pulled the blanket back over them trapping Steve's body heat underneath it. So much better now. He kissed her deeply and she could taste herself on his lips.

"Are you trying to outdo the star gazing at my apartment?" She chuckled breathlessly against his lips and then he was kissing her again. Her little home planetarium couldn't compete with the real starry sky.

"Nothing can top that night." Steve sighed and cradled her head with a smile on his face. "You told me you loved me that night."

She smiled back. "And you told me that you loved me that night." She kissed him softly and moved her hips until he was perfectly settled between her legs to push into her.

He pushed oh so slowly into her like he always did the first time and the feeling overwhelmed her every single time. It was painfully and deliciously slow until he was completely inside her. He felt so good, she was ruined forever.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders to press him closer to her. "This is where you belong." She hoped he knew that she meant more with that than him being inside her. He made her so happy, she was finally at peace. But she could see in his eyes that he understood her.

"Yes, sweetheart. I love you, too." He kissed her deeply and began to move making her see a different kind of stars than the ones above them.

Natasha watched Steve the next morning chopping wood for the fireplace from the veranda of their little cabin. She had been cold after their lovemaking under the stars and Steve just wrapped her into the thermo blanket, put the rest of their stuff into his backpack and carried her back to the cabin with her already dozing off. He made slowly love to her the next morning and they made breakfast together before he went outside to chop wood. They wanted to have a romantic night in front of the fireplace. She already wondered how his naked body would look like with the glow of the fire. She took a sip from her tea and watched him do his work. Was wood chopping always this sexy? The cold didn't bother him thanks to his serum and she could see how his muscles were moving under his t-shirt. Bless him for always wearing clothes that were too tight for him.

Steve looked with a smug grin on his face over to her. "You're drooling, doll!"

"You will be too, once you see what kind of lingerie I packed for this trip!" She teased and he groaned. She originally wanted to wear it yesterday but decided against it when they went outside to star gaze. There was no way that she would have worn that black corset out in the fucking cold.

She kept watching him and to tease her back he ripped a log in half. With his bare hands! Was it normal to be so turned on by that? She whispered his name huskily and Steve was with her after five wide steps and a jump over the banister of the veranda and carried her into the cabin. She was pretty sure that everyone within a radius of five miles knew that Steve was here with the sounds she was making while he drove her into pure ecstasy.

Clint showed up at her door when Steve was at some charity thing at the Pentagon. Thinking that Steve was already back she opened the door with a smile on her face and it dropped when she saw who it really was. Fuck! She hadn't seen him since that night he found out about her and Steve.

"Yeah, don't be too excited that I'm not your lover boy!" He grunted and let himself in.

"He's not my lover boy, he's my boyfriend!" She snapped back and went to the fridge to get the vodka out. She had a feeling they would need it.

"Boyfriend..." He plopped down on her couch taking in her living room. His gaze stopped at the the pictures on her coffee table. There had been a photo booth at the carnival and she dragged Steve into it when she spotted it. The first two showed them smiling into the camera and the last two showed them kissing. "Didn't think you were into that crap."

She didn't saw anything and filled his glass with vodka. He took it and gulped it down. "Do you finally know what to do? It's been over a month, Tasha!"

"I want to tell him."

"Natasha! You can't go against Fury's orders! Remember all the things our boss did for you! You can't betray him."

"I love him, Clint. You asked me if I was in love with Steve and the answer is yes. I love him more than anything. And if I have to chose between Fury and Steve, I will chose Steve. It's always going to be Steve!"

"But will he chose you once he knows that you're a liar?" She winced at that. "Sorry, Tasha but it's the truth." He stood up and put the glass on the coffee table. "I don't know what happen to you that made you so stupid but you have to remember who really knows you and who had your back for years! Your mission might be over soon anyway."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I heard whispers that Karpov wants to get back into power. You know that Fury'll send you to deal with him. That mission could take months. So you better say bye-bye to your boyfriend!"

"Why are you like this, Clint?"

He huffed a bitter laugh out. "I could ask you the same. You always said love was for children and that you never wanted a boyfriend and then Captain America comes along and you are a completely different person. You completely ignore me even though you know I'm right. What you're doing is not fair to Steve and if you truly loved him then you would have stopped this charade months ago."

"Get out!" She yelled.

"Gladly! Call me when my best friend is back!" The door was shut loudly behind him.

She knew that he was right but she didn't want to hear it. What if those rumors were true and Fury really sent her after Karpov? Natalie would disappear and Steve would never know why. Should she tell Fury the truth? Would he understand her and let her stay? No, he wouldn't. Of course not. Taking out Karpov was more important than her heart to him. She dragged Steve immediately to her bedroom when he got back and wrapped herself around him after they had sex. She listened to his heart beat and whispered over and over again how much she loved him. Would their time together really be over soon?

Natasha was surprised when she got an invite from Fury's wife LaTanya to meet her for lunch at a fancy restaurant since they hadn't seen each other for so long. She and Fury had taken her in after she was cleared by SHIELD to help her get used to a normal environment. Fury and LaTanya had done so much for her and she felt guilty for her willingness to chose Steve over SHIELD. But she meant what she said. She loved him, she would do anything for him. She could work for another agency. Or freelance.

LaTanya was already there when the waiter walked her to the table. They exchanged small talk and LaTanya complained that her husband wasn't sticking to the diet the doctor ordered.

"You seem different, Natasha." Her older friend noticed over lunch. She looked up raising an eyebrow. "I don't know what it is. You seem calmer, happier. You have a certain glow. If I didn't know it any better I'd say you're in love."

"Ha, good one!" Natasha laughed and felt bad for lying. "We both know that I'm not capable of that specific feeling."

"Everyone is capable of that feeling. My dear husband is the best example for that." LaTanya snickered into her white wine. "Tried to act like he didn't like me back in college. Like he ever had a choice in that matter."

She smiled but didn't say that. She guessed that she was like Fury in that area. It had taken her some time to realize that she was falling in love with Steve.

"So there's no one? A hot guy with a cute ass?"

"No." She lied smoothly but LaTanya gave her a look that made her think she didn't completely believe her.

Steve was at SHIELD and she was cleaning her apartment and thinking about ways to tell her boyfriend who she really was. She wanted to tell him as soon as possible and prayed that he would understand it and forgive her. She didn't know what she would do if he would hate her forever. It would break her. That would be the thing that would break her. No matter what Madam B had said about her being unbreakable. Steve had that kind of power over her.

Her phone chimed with a text from Fury ordering her to come in for a debriefing. She drove to the Triskelion hoping that she wouldn't run into Steve. No, Fury wouldn't risk that.

She was told to wait into Fury's office and looked out the windows down at the Potomac River. The door was open and she could hear agents walking by.

A few minutes later she heard Fury's voice echoing down the hallway. "Don't be too angry but it was for your best even though you probably don't believe me right now. Just remember how important the mission is!"

Who was he talking to?

"I still don't like your cryptic messages, Fury." That was Steve's voice. She felt hot and cold at the same time and wanted to jump out the window. No, no! He couldn't find out like this! "But I know how important it is to bring down Karpov. The Red Room sounds horrible. How can someone do this to little girls!?"

Fuck! Fuck! What was she supposed to do?

"I think you already know Agent Romanoff." Fury said calmly and she hated him in that moment for not feeling guilty.

"No, I don't think I kno-"

She took a deep breath and turned around to face Steve and his eyes widened in shock. Countless emotions flickered over his face. Confusion, hurt, disbelief and anger. He settled eventually on anger. He looked like he hated her with his inflated nostrils and clenched jaw. He probably did hate her now. Oh God, she felt sick to her stomach.

"Steve..."

"Don't say a fucking word!" He growled. "You lied to me this whole fucking time, Agent Romanoff." He made an ugly laugh. "Gotta hand it to you, you are really great at your job! I really thought you loved me!"

"What?!" Fury gasped and looked between her and Steve but she ignored him.

"I do love you! I wanted to tell the truth but I was scared."

"What?" Fury gasped again and looked like he would faint any moment.

"I told you things I didn't tell anyone else and you probably ran straight to Fury to tell him."

"No! I kept all your secrets to myself!"

"That's why the reports were so short..." Fury mumbled under his breath and she glared at him.

"Did you at least feel bad every time we fucked or was that just a perk of the job?"

She winched. He hardly referred to sex as fucking, only when he was really turned on but now that word sounded dirty and not in the good way.

"What?" Fury screamed and sat down on his leather couch.

"It's nothing like that. I love you, Steve. I never lied to you about that! I love you! I love you so much!" She didn't care that her boss could hear everything.

"Excuse me for having a hard time believing that. You're dead to me, Romanoff." He spit out, punched the wall leaving a dent and then stormed out of Fury's office.

"Motherfucker!" Fury exclaimed and she could practically feel how her heart shattered into a million pieces. Steve hated her now, she had lost him. What was she supposed to do now?