Banned
Haymitch Reacts
He almost felt bad about what he was doing. They looked so perfect curled in each other's arms, sleeping with angelic like faces in pure bliss. The two people who had gone through hell and back in just a short matter of time, the two people that really deserved each other in this world. The two people he cared about most. The two people who were about to learn what happened when they meddled in others business's when people didn't want them there, even if they were just looking out for him.
He almost felt awful, almost being the extremely important word in the sentence. His face twisted into a smile that could only be described as pure glee and mischief as he picked the lock on the window. This was just the start of it all. He quickly stripped out of his clothes, shivering slightly as the cool breeze caressed his bare skin. Just this last step and his perfect plan for Phase One of his operation would be done. His thoughts were uncannily clear but for once sobriety didn't scare him or make him long for a bottle, he knew he would be able to reward himself with a nice long drink and several good hours of rest after this.
He chuckled under his breath but froze as Katniss shifted slightly in her sleep. He ducked making sure he was well hidden in the bush for a minute but he didn't hear her stir or walk around the room. Assuming it was safe; he checked his wrist watch impatiently. Just a few more seconds…
He adjusted his velvet red hat, and took several steps away from the wall. He grinned as he clutched the small metal contraption in his hands closer to his body. With one last look at the wall he pressed the button, on the device.
A loud explosion shot through the night, and a thick cloud of dust blanketed the air. He heard several long profound curse words as he strode easily towards the hole. He stepped on the rumble looking at a few hanging pieces of wall left with a small tut of shame.
"Merry Christmas," he barked and threw a large sack into the room.
"Haymitch what the fuc-"
"Haymitch what is the meaning of this?" Peeta snapped interrupting Katniss. He had them both shielded with the blanket. It was wrapped tightly around them.
"Who's Haymitch?"
There was a long pause in which Katniss's jaw dropped and Peeta stared at him blankly.
"He's gone and finally went completely mad," she muttered to him, just loudly enough for him to hear even if it was directed at Peeta.
"Mad?" he cackled, making sure to laugh in a way that clearly no sane person would be able to manage. "I'm not mad. I'm Father Christmas!" he made sure to adjust his hat again, to show the bright red hat in the moonlight. The dust had just cleared and he knew that in the full moon their eyes would be adjusted to the darkness by now.
"YOU'RE NAKED!" screamed Katniss.
"I'm wearing a hat. I can't be naked if I'm wearing a hat!" he shouted back.
Katniss was reaching around wildly for something and Peeta still just looked shell shocked.
"Looking for this?" he called lifting all the weapons that could have possibly be used against him in the house. Among them Katniss's bow sat on top and in plain view.
"So help me Haymitch if you don't get the hell out of here I'll-"
"You'll what? Tell my mommy? I'm so scarred, besides I'm not Haymitch I'm Father Christmas and I have come bearing gifts," he said interrupting her and pointing the sack he had thrown on the floor.
"Gifts?" Katniss shrieked. Her voice climbing the scale of octaves the longer she was forced to communicate with him. He might break a record soon and lose his hearing for a day.
"How drunk are you?" Peeta asked, his voice sounding star struck or some type of awe.
"Completely sober," Haymitch said winking at him. Katniss was on the floor investigating the sack. She nervously pushed it with her toe.
"It's empty," she said looking up at him. Her eyes clearly confused.
"Oh damn. They must've gotten out. Well good luck finding them. I have other houses to visit. Merry Christmas," Haymitch said calling over his shoulder.
"It's not even CLOSE to Christmas," he heard Peeta growl.
"What the hell did he let escape into our house?" Katniss snapped.
Haymitch laughed as he quickly ducked behind a few abandoned houses. He would have an hour or two of reprieve before they realized that it all really was a hoax and that he had blown a hole in their wall at three in the morning just to mess with them. He knew that he would want to be nice and drunk by the time they figured it out. He grinned. This was just the start of it. He would think of something better the next time they tacked a stupid note to his door saying all the things he did drunk. If they didn't like him drunk they wouldn't like him sober either.
()()()()()()()
The next morning Haymitch found himself waking up on his own. No bucket of water splayed on top of him and no angry loud voices about how utterly insane he was. It was nice, but for some reason he kind of missed it. He grinned though; it was the type of grin that could only take place after winning a battle. His stomach rumbled painfully reminding him that he hadn't eaten in a while. He stood up from his chair, stretching and yawning as he made his way past broken furniture and bottles to the kitchen.
There neatly on his fridge was The List. He swore loudly. Of course the first few additions were expected but there was a whole lot more he wasn't entirely sure he had done.
101. You may not scheme while drunk.
102. If a thought involves blowing a hole in a wall at three in the morning needless to say you may not do it.
103. You are not Father Christmas and you may not run around naked. Wearing a hat doesn't mean you are clothed, you are still stark naked.
104. You may not pretend to have set something loose in someone else's house to have them search for hours on end.
105. Nor may you actually come back a few hours later and set loose a few Jabber Jays to scare the shit out of them.
106. You may not steal everyone's weapons before you commit such 'harmless' fun. People need to defend themselves.
107. You may blast a hole in someone else's house just to say you like to enter with a 'BANG'.
108. You may not do so to your own house either.
109. You may not round up all of the dandelions and hold them hostage from Katniss.
110. Nor may you have 'them' write her ransom notes begging for her to comply with your 'wishes'.
111. You may not rub lamps and swear there is a genie only you can see there.
112. Nor may you get into a fight with said magical creature over the amount of wishes you have. You get three.
113. You may not use any of your wishes to A. Harm Katniss B. Prevent Katniss from ever being born, or C. Hook Finnick and Gale up.
114. If a thought makes you giggle you are not allowed to do it.
115. You may not giggle.
116. You may not laugh loudly and mischievously after looking at Katniss or Peeta for a long period of time after a long silence.
117. Just because you pass out when you are drunk does not mean you have Narcolepsy. You must stop telling people this.
118. Effie is not your booty call.
119. You may not chase Katniss around when she is in a bad mood screaming 'I know you want a hug!' She does not. Trust me.
120. You may not lick all of your food before eating it 'For protection' and then leave it on your plate untouched.
121. You may not catch Mutts from the Capitol and ask Katniss if you can keep it as a pet.
122. Nor may you give said Mutts nicknames like Fluffy Death, Opera House, Buzz, or anything else bizarre.
123. You are not allowed near Ceasar Flickerman ever again. Especially, after you dyed his hair with his shampoo.
124. You may not spike Pulrich's coffee, or switch it with decafe.
125. When giving a progress report to the Capitol you may not talk like a pirate.
126. Nor may you add things that didn't happen to the report to 'spice it up a little'.
127. Your dream is not to become a woman with a beard.
128. You may not steal all of Effie's right shoes and tell her she will always be wrong now.
129. You may not grease your hair up to look like Elvis. You look like a zombie with a cat attached to your head when you do so. That and Peeta is the only one who knows who the heck this Elvis guy is anyways.
130. You may not run up to Katniss, say sorry and then run away. Even if you did do it.
131. Ties are not evil. You may choose not to wear them, so don't wear one just to rip it off and try and lit it on fire in the middle of the District.