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Chapter 11

The sun was shining on her bare back and Steve drew circles with his finger on her skin. He had surprised her with a bike tour after her "shift" and they found a quiet place at the Potomac River. They were the only people here and Natasha decided to get rid of her top to work on her tan. Steve had looked a bit disappointed when he realized that she didn't strip for him (well, maybe she did a little bit for him).

He rolled her onto her back. "Your front also needs sun or your tan is uneven."

She laughed and crossed her arms behind her head. "What a subtle way to ogle my breasts."

He gave her a boyish grin and brushed his finger over her nipples. He leaned down and gave her a sweet kiss. "You know, I always wanted this."

"A half naked lady next to you on a blanket?"

"No, you dork." He kissed her again, this time with a bit of tongue. "Having someone to share my life with." He gently rolled her onto her side facing him and cupped her cheek. "I think I've waited all my life for you, Nat."

She swallowed, overwhelmed with emotions. "I love you. I...I never thought I would get to have this. I love you, Steve."

He smiled brightly. "And I love you. I thank my lucky stars everyday that you moved into my building. It's like it was fate."

She pushed the guilt down and kissed him deeply. He helped her out of her shorts and she undressed him impatiently so they could finally be one again. She laid down on her back and welcomed Steve between her legs. She used to hate it when her sex partner was on top, it made her feel trapped and controlled. Steve was the first man she let to be in control. She loved it when she was underneath him. He made her feel safe and she loved how he was surrounding her. That all she could see and feel was him. He was her shield. He slowly entered her and she moaned into his mouth.

"It's you and me, Nat." He whispered and began to move his hips.

She only managed to give him a sloppy kiss. God, it felt so good. Every single time. "Yes, always." She promised breathlessly and started to meet his deep thrusts.

He made love to her again when they were back at his apartment and then she let him move her body into the position he thought was best and he drew her in the nude. She loved the way he was looking at her while his pencil moved over the paper. He looked at her like she was the greatest thing he had ever seen. She wrapped the sheets around her and sat down on his lap to take a look at his work after he was finished.

"Wow, it's beautiful."

"No, you're beautiful, Nat." He kissed her cheek and she sighed. She never felt so loved and safe before.

"You make me feel things I never thought were possible, Steve. For the first time in my life I'm truly happy. I would do anything for you."

He gave her beautiful smile that made her heart flutter in her chest. "I love you. So much."

The arms dealer in Rome was surprisingly smart and it took her two weeks to track down his buyers and to shut down his business. She didn't feel guilty when she put a bullet into his head and dropped off all the cash she found at his villa at an orphanage outside Rome. She heard from Clint that Steve fully recovered and was back at his place in Brooklyn and turned down Fury's offer to rejoin SHIELD. Coulson and Hill were trying to find out if there were more moles within the agency and Natasha herself found Rumlow's account in the dark web and found out that he had sold his intel about her and Steve to two more buyers, both coming from her past. She tracked one down in a brothel in Amsterdam and the other one in a chalet in Switzerland. She killed them both after making sure that they didn't share what Rumlow had sold them.

Since Steve didn't want to work for SHIELD again, Fury told her that she could come back to the States but she decided to stay in Europe. She had to get over Steve and having an ocean between them sounded like a good idea. She didn't want to run into him and remind him of all the pain she caused him. She stopped checking in on Steve and trying to find out his new phone number. When she wasn't traveling around Europe killing people, she tried to build a life in London. She found a nice apartment that wasn't provided by SHIELD and met men for drinks trying to get over the man who had her heart. She could tell that her dates wanted more from her but she always left before something could happen between them. She just couldn't bare the touch of someone she didn't love. Someone who wasn't Steve.

Christmas had been especially depressing because she couldn't stop picturing how it would have been with Steve. It didn't matter that she booked a flight to Thailand and was sipping cocktails on the beach, she was miserable. Did Steve miss her too? No, he definitely didn't. Maybe he had already a new girlfriend. A nice girl who wasn't a liar and killer.

LaTanya sent her a package after New Year with cookies, candles and books and a letter telling her that Fury had told her about what happened and that she was sorry that Natasha's heart was broken and she shouldn't give up on love. It was a nice gesture from LaTanya but Natasha knew that this had been her one chance at love and she blew it. And it hadn't even been real. Steve hadn't even loved her, he had loved Natalie.

She hated herself every time she saw a tall and blond man and thought for a second that it was Steve, She always thought people had been exaggerating when they said that being love sich was like grieving but her heart was dead and it hurt where it had been. It was the worst when she went to bed and remembered how it was to sleep in his arms. How he tugged her against his chest after they made love and kissed her forehead and his heartbeat was lulling her to sleep. She missed him so much, it was insane. It physically hurt but she had to learn to live with it. Steve didn't love her and even if he did, she was a danger to him. Her past could be his death sentence if more of her enemies knew that her cold and dead heart belonged to Captain America. Even though he didn't want it.

Natasha was with an ops team in Syria to free a group of journalists who had been taken hostages by the Syrian government after they uncovered several attacks on its own people. Usually STRIKE would have been sent to deal with the situation but Steve had left SHIELD and Rollins and Rumlow were dead. It took them days to find the camp where the journalists were kept. They would storm the camp by night and bring the hostages to safety.

It was weird for her to work in a team again. She had been working with Clint before she had gotten the order to look after Steve and after that she worked on her own. She was responsible for these agents and she had to make sure that they would get out of here alive. They got on the move by nightfall and managed to surprise the guards and took them down. Some tried to use the hostages as human shields but she had a perfect aim and hit them anyway without hurting the innocents. They were already moving them to the trucks that would get them to the quinjet located near the border to Turkey when someone opened fire on them. She was pretty sure that it was only one sniper.

"Stay low and wait for my signal." Natasha whispered into her comm. "Cover me!"

Her agents started to shoot back and she sneaked back to the hills of the camp. She saw a figure in the shadows and fired at it. "Go, go!" She told her team and kept firing. Some bullets bounced back which confused her. Was the sniper wearing some kind of suit? She got closer and saw something gleam in the moonlight. Something made out of metal. No, no. That couldn't be happening. The Winter Soldier moved his rifle at her and she threw a widow bite destroying it and quickly jumped behind a tree. Fuck, what was he doing here? Did the Russians send him? She barely heard him but he was coming closer to her. She checked her guns and took a deep breath. He had shot her once and left her on a road to die. She wouldn't let that happen again. She moved around the tree and the Winter Soldier was already there and snatched the guns out of her hands and threw them away. She kicked him and he landed a hard punch on her face that made her stumble backwards against the tree and she felt blood running out of her nose. Before she could react his metal hand was wrapped around her throat choking her. God, he was so strong! She could feel how she was losing consciousness but fought against it. She managed to activate her Widow bracelets and electrocuted him. Now he was the one stumbling back and she did a roundhouse kick sliding his mask off. She found her guns and jumped to get them. She only looked at him when she had one of her Glocks in her hand and was about to shoot him. Her breath got caught in her throat. No one had ever seen the face of the Winter Soldier before. And now she knew why. She had seen this face before. She had heard stories about the man that face belonged to. There was no doubt in her mind that Bucky Barnes was standing in front of her.

"Sergeant Barnes?"

"какйе?" He looked startled.

"James Barnes? Bucky?"

His eyes widened and she didn't know why but she quickly grabbed the camera from her utility belt and took a photo of him. Barnes shook his head in confusion and then took off. She got up from the ground, picked up her second gun and returned to her team telling them that the sniper was dead. They made it to the Turkish border without anymore incidents.

She didn't tell anyone at SHIELD about what happened at that camp. She knew that Fury would want to catch Barnes but she didn't think out of entirely selfless reasons. He'd probably would want him to work for SHIELD after losing Captain America because Natasha was pretty sure that Barnes was enhanced and those didn't come that often. She was enhanced herself but nowhere near the level of Captain America. She printed the photo out when she was at her apartment and stared at it. The quality was not the best but his face was easily seen. It truly was Barnes. Steve had told her that he fell to his death in the Alps but it looked like someone found him and saved him. How was he still alive? Cryo-freeze? Did he switch sides out of gratitude? No, she didn't think so. She had seen that blank look in his eyes before. Barnes had been brainwashed. He probably didn't even remember that he was Bucky Barnes.

What was she supposed to do? She didn't want to go after him. The Winter Soldier was the one person who scared her. There was only one thing to do. She got an envelope, wrote the date and location on the back of the photo and sent it per express delivery to Brooklyn. Barnes had been Steve's best friend and he deserved to know what happen to him so that he could help him. She hoped for Steve that he would find his friend and it would be less bloody than her two encounters with him.

She just got back from Madrid after having to clean up a mess from another SHIELD agent and was too tired to make herself something to eat. She ordered a pizza and used the time until its arrival to take a quick shower and to unpack. She was cleaning her weapons when the doorbell rang. Wow, it only took them twenty minutes to deliver her pizza. Now it only had to taste good and she would stick with this pizzeria. She put the Glock on the table and grabbed her wallet on her way to her door. But it wasn't the delivery guy on the other side of the door.

"Can you help me find him?" Steve asked her and held the photo up she had sent him.

Her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She hadn't seen him in weeks and he looked so good with his longer hair and beard. And he smelled so nice. No, Natasha stop right there! He was here because he hoped she could track down his best friend. She didn't want to have anything to do with the Winter Soldier. He was the one person who almost killed her. She was afraid of him. But Steve was here asking for her help even though he despised her. And she still loved him. God, she loved him so much. And she once promised him that she would do anything for him. And she didn't want to add another lie to the red of her ledger.

"Yes, I'll help you."