Redefining Hero A Roy Harper Story

The real Roy Harper wakes up after three years and he's got a lot of catching up to do in a world that's strange and familiar at the same time. And he's not the only one that has to adjust. Time may have stopped, but the world has moved on. A different kind of journey that takes place for a hero that was given the short end of life and how he picks up, falters and ultimately discovers who he is a person.

A story of rediscovery in six parts.

Part 5 of 6: "Moving Forward"

Words: 3,282
Notes: Thank you so much for the alerts/subscriptions and most importantly, the REVIEWS!

This chapter does have some spoilers for Season TWO, so hopefully you've been caught up. It mentions something specifically from "Alienated".

Oh and please have a leap of faith for me regarding Clone!Roy.
For those who watch "Fringe", a lot of the conversation in the last third was inspired in part by 3x09 "Marionette".

Disclaimer: See Part one!

It isn't that quitting cold turkey is difficult, it just happens to be more of a challenge than Roy originally anticipates. He knows that he can do it; he's strong enough and he has two great goals to accomplish with quitting. Roy will prove Ollie wrong, he has to. If not for his adoptive father, then for his daughter. Because Lian deserves that much; if her assassin of a mother can't raise her, then Roy won't fail her. It's not fair to her.

Roy struggles with quitting. In a city like Steel, temptation's always lurking in the shadows and turning in the source material (the drug dealers) won't do a thing because there are so many aspects of the police that is corrupt as well. Ever encounter with a dealer thrusts Roy back into his stuggles. And there are days when he feels about ready to throw in the towel and just let the demons consume him from the inside out, until all he is a hollow shell of empty promises and broken dreams.

But those are the days that he will spend time watching Liam sleep. He comes back so shattered and feeling like he's taken two steps back that he can't even recall why he keeps trying, and only recalls when he sees her face. Today is particularly horrid; he's found one dealer, a cop and a child. Sounds like the intro to a terrible joke. The child was dead. Roy stayed until the paramedics arrived, but even they couldn't discern the cause of death. It was a tossup between a drug overdose or a gunshot wound. The blood is as red as the child's hair and as he watches them cart the body away, Roy's heart clenches at the sight of the 15 year old being sent off to an early grave.

He collapses near Lian's crib, muttering and whispering her name like a dead man dying of thirst. Her gentle breaths calm something within him and where he was once lost and feeling dirty and hopeless, he now feels that shift. There's something in watching his daughter sleep that cleanses him. She's been dealt, quite possibly, one of the worst hands that life has to offer, even worse than his own. She hasn't chosen to be born to two of the world's most unfit people to be parents, but that was her deal.

And he's going to help change that hand.

Her eyes blink open, sleepy, but a vivid green that catches Roy's attention quickly. He sits up as she wakes and he reaches into the crib, holding her to him. It's still mind boggling for him to know that this tiny bundle that he's cradling is his. Lian Harper. His graceful willow.

"My etai yazi." He whispers to her and she gurgles, reaching with her small hand for his as she falls back to sleep.

The next day, Roy accepts the offer to be a counselor at the station, corrupt as it may be. He has no credentials, no training, nothing, but the big wig at the station has found out that Roy's a recovering addict. That he's had experience grappling with drugs. And he offers Roy a chance to help others like him, only in a slightly more legal way (Roy considers Arsenal a vigilante more than anything). And in a weird twisted way, Roy has become their guiding light. He still fights with his own darkness, but he as a deeper anchor, a stronger force that's keeping him from being swept away.

Her name is Lian Harper and though she's less than a year old, she's already saved a life.

That same week, Dick and Wally call Roy and they decide to meet up for lunch at one of the nicer establishments in Steel. Roy calls Dinah to babysit, but she refers him to Donna. Roy briefly recalls their meeting years ago at his 19th birthday, but she's more than happy to oblige with the baby-sitting part. When she shows up at his door, Roy remembers immediately the effect her smile had on him. He feels like a teenager.

It's almost with reluctance that he leaves her to meet up with Dick and Wally and the first bomb they drop on him is that Kaldur has gone AWOL. Sort of. He's just quit the team and he's become stubborn and pig-headed. Dick quietly explains that the Atlantean has been that way since the mission with the Team went both wrong and right. They achieved their objective, but at the cost of Tula, whom Kaldur had harbored strong feelings for.

The mood becomes somber and then they attack Roy with the real reason they called him to lunch.

"We've been patient, Roy." Wally tells him sternly.

"So why don't you tell us what's happened?" Dick finishes, his tone brooking no argument.

Roy sighs and rubs his face with both hands. He should have known this was coming. He'd always been predicting it. But he's still not prepared to tell his friends the truth. It makes what he's done more of a reality, a reality that he's firmly prepared to leave in the past and never look back upon. Still, he knows that he owes his two close friends some semblance of the truth; he sees the hurt on their faces, barely disguised, at the fact that someone they care deeply for would leave them out of such an integral part of his life. There is no escaping out of this, and Roy thinks that maybe he doesn't want to. Telling Dick and Wally may help him in some weird, twisted way.

He sits up and begins to fiddle with his glass of water. It's cold and dripping beads of water on the side, the droplets pooling on his finger. "It started back during my hunt for Cheshire…"

At first, the story is hard to get through. He stumbles over words and sentences, his voice shakes and breaks. It's like ripping open his old wounds and pouring salt in copious amounts over it. Telling them that he succumbed to such a resort like drugs is breaking him apart on the inside. He wants to be done with that part in his life and to tell this story, about Ollie, and Hal finding him, about the words exchanged by his adoptive dad and surrogate uncle, it's like living through it all over again and that pains him deeply. It strikes into his soul and into the part of him that was slowly recovering.

When he finishes the story, there's prolonged silence at the table. And then Dick proceeds to slap him upside the head.

"You. Are such. An idiot." Wally hisses and Roy swears that he can hear the pain beneath the younger man's voice. It cuts his soul deeper. "Why didn't you just come to us?"

"Did you think we'd just shun you?" Dick asks quietly and his blue eyes are piercing into Roy and something in Roy collapses. "Did you think so lowly of us, so cheaply of our friendship that you didn't feel you could come to us?"

Roy's shoulders sag and he leans his weight onto the table. "It was never like that. But…no one had tried to contact me and I thought…I thought that Kal's words were a lie. I thought that you had replaced me." Even as he says the words, he realizes how inane they sound, but that doesn't change the fact that they hurt just as much now as they did back then.

"So your bright idea was to shoot up heroin?" Dick clarifies and there's no judgment in his voice, just a small amount of pity. "Roy, give us more credit."

"Friendship is a two way street, man. " Wally says sagely and that earns him a look from Dick. "Maybe we didn't contact you, but did you think that it wasn't because we didn't want to, but because we couldn't? And maybe…" Wally hesitates, "Maybe we didn't try because you didn't try to contact us."

It makes sense in Roy's head and he's back to berating himself on the inside, but both Dick and Wally place comforting hands on his arms. Roy looks up and he sees nothing but love on such a brotherly level that his heart clenches. "I was supposed to be strong enough to resist." He says to them.

Dick pats his arm. "Roy, we're human. We're falliable. You made a mistake. Granted, a pretty big one, but still."

"You've proved you can overcome it. You've fought it, you keep fighting and that shows that you've grown stronger." Wally adds. "It's the tenacity of the human soul and a testament to human strength."

"As for Ollie…" Dick voices the until now, unmentioned concern, "He will come around. He's stubborn and as pig-headed as you. Just give him time. Sense doesn't come easy to people like him." He says in truth. It's not to be mean, but to let Roy know that there may still be hope.

And just like that, they've forgiven him. He's still Roy in their eyes and he will always be Roy in their eyes. He's made a mistake bigger than most, but he has recovered from it, is continuing to recover. He has light, he has hope and he has purpose.

He's making breakfast for himself early Saturday morning. It feels good to do this, especially after he's come clean to Dick and Wally about what's been going on. He's…relieved that his friends have accepted his past transgressions and he's surprised that they would continue to let him in on their lives. Roy mulls over Dick's growing anxiety to break free from Batman; the arguments between the two are apparently reaching a breaking point. A big change is coming up for Dick and Roy hopes that his friend knows that he's still here for him. As for Wally; it doesn't surprise Roy that his speedster friend has decided to briefly retire from the hero life. There's only so much that someone can take and with everything as it is, Roy's supportive of Wally's decision. Oh, and that Donna girl is really, really attractive.

A knock on his door has Roy shutting off the stove and calling a quick, "I'm coming!" before rushing to answer his unannounced visitor. He has no expected visits and most of his friends usually drop a line. And if they don't, it means they're in trouble- but it's barely nine in the morning.

Roy thinks he recognizes the man at the door, but it's hard to place. They're the same height, but where Roy has blue eyes, this man has green and instead of auburn, there is blond hair and the skin is darker. Yet, something about him…..and it dawns on Roy so fast that he can't keep his jaw from dropping slightly ajar. This visitor is his clone; it doesn't look like him, but Roy knows it is. Something within him can tell, instinctively, that it is.

"Hey Roy." His clone greets and clears his throat awkwardly. "Um, can I come in?"

"Er, yeah! Sure, sure!" Roy pulls the door open and watches as his clone stolls in. "You're Red Arrow right?" He double checks.

"Yeah. But you can call me Connor. That's my name now. Connor Hawke (1)." He clears his throat again and stares at Roy. "Can we talk?"

Roy nods dumbly but manages to ask one more question. "How'd you get to look….well, like that?"

A small wry, grin spreads on Connor's face. "It was painful, but we, that is Tornado and Atom, managed to tweak portions of my genetic code. I don't know how they did that, and I don't want to know." He takes a seat across from Roy.

There's an awkward silence that stretches between them and the whole time, all Roy can divide his thoughts between are his daughter, who is thankfully still asleep, and his clone, who is sitting before him not looking anything like him anymore. And Roy feels that he should be relieved, should be glad, but the emotion isn't there. Instead, all he can do is feel empty and wonder what Red Arrow, now Connor Hawke, wants with him, to tell him.

Connor fidgets in his seat and exhales, leaning forward. "Look, Roy, I know that I'm not your favorite person in the world-"

"That's an understatement." Roy scoffs under his breath.

Green eyes are glaring at him and Roy shrugs it off, returning the glare with a blue eyed one of his own. "At least I'm trying. I'm acting like the adult one here and trying, Roy. At least I didn't go off and wallow in my depression and run away from my problems and become a junkie!"

"Oh that's so fucking mature of you! And you don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Roy jumps to his feet in defense as his temper suddenly makes itself known and all the emotions he's locked and kept away from his clone are at the surface and overflowing. The dam's been broken, the floodgate's been set loose and there's no turning back from this.

"Don't I?" Connor replies coldly. "Ollie told me everything."

"Ollie knows about as much as you." He hisses and points a finger accusingly at Connor. "You just don't get it, do you?" Roy clenches his fists and his body trembles with suppressed rage. "You aren't me! You aren't me and they couldn't see that! And now that I'm back, you're everywhere, even after two years!" Roy grips and pulls at his hair and he's looking at anything but Connor. "You-you're in my life, my 'job', my family, my friends! You've taken everything!" He laments with a quivering whisper.

"I'm….I'm sorry." Is all Connor can manage after a small silence.

Roy breaks. "YOU'RE SORRY? Sorry doesn't fix ANYTHING! It doesn't fix the fact that I don't have my arm anymore and you're the reason why! It doesn't fix the fact that you're a part of my life and that you. Replaced me." He snarls.

"You don't think that I'm affected by this too?" Connor yells back, jumping to his feet and slapping away Roy 's accusing finger. "My whole life was a lie, Roy ! It doesn't' even belong to me! At least you can be comforted by the fact that you have something to take back! I. Have. Nothing!"

The glare intensifies. "You have them more then I do. This isn't even my life anymore. They see me and it's like I'm the fucking clone." Roy breathes deeply and heavily and grabs a picture nearby, throwing it at the wall in a fit of rage. "You took away everything like it belonged to you." He chuckles darkly, holding his head between his hands as he sinks to the ground.

In the silence, it finally sinks in for Connor. "You're not mad at me." He states. "You're hurt and I'm the only one you can find to blame because I'm the reason you feel this way. You're hurt, but, did you ever think that you weren't the only one who got cut a raw deal?"

Roy gestures to his stub of an arm.

"Yeah, fine, I'm technically your arm, I get that. But you know that this is your life, that this belongs to you and all you have to do is take it back. I was manufactured for a sole purpose and with that over, I have nothing left. None of this is mine, Roy!" He smiles bitterly as his 'donor' looks up at him. "Why else did you think I needed to change this?"

"You could have stayed the way you were."

"Looking like you? No thanks. I don't need a constant reminder of who I'm not." He flinches at his own bitter tone. It's not an insult to Roy, but a plea for Roy to understand his side because Roy Harper has been acting like he was the only one who's been hurt by this ordeal and he has no idea what it was like to know and be told that you weren't even your own damn person. That you were basically a body double for no other purpose then infiltration.

"Do…" Connor hesitates, "Do you know what it's like to be told that you're a clone?" he asks quietly. "That all the memories you have aren't even your own? That each event you've gone through in life is a lie because it's not yours? Every emotion that you thought you felt during those times weren't even yours?" he clasps his hands tightly together. "Can you even imagine knowing that everything you thought you knew was never yours? That you basically stole it?" His voice is so broken and shaken, so full of hurt and fear that Roy feels like he's the bad guy. Connor looks up with a hard coldness in his eyes. "You've spent enough time bitching, Roy. I think it's time for you to grow up.

And just like that, any sympathy Roy thinks he holds for his clone goes up in flames, fueled by his recurring rage. "Grow up?" Roy repeats and the bitterness is clear and he's unapologetic for it. "You want me to grow up?" He fixes a glare to Connor that is both full of ice and heat at the same time. "How am I supposed to do that when you've taken care of it for me?"

"Oh don't even start with that again!" Connor cuts off violently. "What don't you get? You have a chance to take back your life if you just woke up! Stop wallowing in your self-pity! I stole your life and I'm trying to give it back!" Connor yells exasperatedly. "Why don't you stop and think about how I felt when I discovered I had essentially stolen a life?"

Every part of Roy doesn't want to understand. It's so much easier to keep acting as if he's the only one wronged in the scenario because he understands that pain, can work through it. But the moment he accepts that Connor is as much as victim as he is, then the scenario becomes less black and white and too many shades of gray. There is a part of Roy that understand too painfully and to fully what Connor has been trying to articulate, and that part begins to seep to the rest of him, weighs down so heavily in his bones and in his psyche that Roy just feels exhausted. He's so tired of fighting this battle and wrestling with his soul and his conscience. He knows what it's been trying to tell him but Roy feels that he's spent so long fighting that he just feels broken.

And lost. So, so horribly lost.

More lost than he felt after waking up to this life in the first place.

Silence reigns the living room and it's thick, wrought with tension. Not between each other any longer, but within themselves. Each of them has traveled a journey of their their own. Both have perceived theirs as tougher than the other's. Both are wrong. Roy and Connor have suffered silently on their own and have gone through their own catharses. It is not the same as each other's and one is not tougher than the other's because they are not the same. They may share the same DNA, but they are not the same. They have walked different paths and thus, their journeys have differed, as have their individual trials.

When Roy locks eyes with Connor, there are two emotions evident between them: acceptance and understanding.

And somewhere, the brokenness inside Roy feels like it's slowly beginning to heal.

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(1) Connor Hawke: In comic!canon, Connor is Ollie's legitimate son and is blond and green eyed. He doesn't find out until wayyyyy later that he's Ollie's son, though Ollie knows before hand. Connor becomes the second "Green Arrow". I'm pretty sure he's older than Roy.

Oh and true story: I wrote this last third, regarding Roy and Red Arrow, before "Salvage" came out.
I would just like to say: I semi-predicated all of "Salvage" regarding Roy and Wally and Lian and stuff. Just saying. ;D

Up next: THE LAST PART. THE EPILOGUE.

.chary