I wish I was in some lonesome valley. Where womankind cannot be found – Peggy Gordon
"Look, I just really absolutely agree with his idea that power is ubiquitous. Our dispositions can't be counted as either structure or agent. Religion is just one of the problems we have to address in order to change society's perspective on homosexuality. I mean, the fact that we still agree to label ourselves "gay" and them "straight", we leave the power for them to continually construct our language, thereby controlling our dispositions towards certain concepts"
Quinn was tipsy, that much Santana was sure of. The Latina, however, had nothing to worry about. For all her bravado, Quinn could never really follow through with a plan such as "whoring it out".
Dorking it out was more her thing.
And from where Santana was standing, whatever nerdy thing is spewing out of Quinn's mouth is working like a charm. Quinn, seated on a couch, was immersed in a conversation with an NYU's Graduate program on Global Affairs. A few undergraduates from Columbia eventually took notice of the seemingly deep discussion and sat around Quinn.
Only Quinn Fabray will find herself surrounded by women hotter than molten lava by invoking Pierre Bourdieu's name, and make the word "Habitus" sound sexy and dirty.
"Looks like your friend from Fordham's a hit. Glad you decided to bring her here"
Santana turned around and smirked at her fellow NYU student and organizer of this College LGBT mixer, Kate Weiss . It was the safer choice than any bar at the Village. Quinn was adamant to go in that area for reasons both did not feel the need to talk about – Rachel's circle of friends mostly hang out there – and so Santana opted for an event sponsored by her own college LGBT community.
"I'd say", the Latina agreed. "I can't stand intellectual orgies though. So I'm nursing my drink from a safe distance. You are welcome to join them."
"I probably will later, if I can manage to squeeze in her groupie. Sure you don't want to reach intellectual orgasm?", the girl teased.
"It always leaves me feeling empty", Santana retorted. "Go ahead, Kate. I'm just here to look out for Quinn."
The blonde beside Santana surveyed the scenario. "Doesn't look like she needs any supervision.." She then turned to look at the brunette. "You, on the other hand, I have not heard from you in ages."
"Ah, you know. Same old shit", Santana replied then turned her back from Quinn and signaled the bartender for another bottle of beer. "How about you? Still dating whatsherface?"
"Yes, I'm still dating whatsherface." Kate giggled and nodded. "I still think it's your loss, Santana"
"Maybe", the Latina shrugged. "If and when I get my act together, I'll give you a call."
The girl kissed Santana's cheek and whispered, ""I'll keep my line open, then." The brunette nodded and gave the girl a knowing and cocky smirk. Kate Weiss, Claudia Schiffer lookalike with the intelligence of a rocket scientist, had made it very clear that she would drop anyone anytime the Latina had changed her mind. The blonde stunner had expressed her attraction to her since the first month Santana started attending activities for the gay community in NYU. They have developed a weird pseudo-friendship, and despite their mutual attraction, neither girl wanted a casual thing, albeit for different reasons.
From an observer's perspective, Santana probably looked like the biggest idiot for repeatedly shooting Kate down. Not that it mattered to the former Cheerio. Kate Weiss wasn't Brittany Pierce. It would be very easy to try and substitute the real thing. But Santana made the decision that the only time she will start dating again, is when she had stopped comparing any potential partner to Britt. To others, it may have seemed like she was caging herself in her past relationship. But for the Latina, the acceptance that she will be single for some time out of her own volition felt oddly liberating.
She glanced at Quinn one more time and decided it was safe to leave Quinn for a few minutes. Stepping out of the establishment, she took out her phone and leaned against the wall. "Hey, Britt-Britt", Santana said with a smile.
Quinn was having a lot of fun. The most fun she had in months leading to her break up with Rachel. She took one more swig of Johnny and Coke – her favorite drink, she had decided that night – and allowed the brunette beside her to refill it. "Thanks, uhm…"
"Emily", the brunette said in a faint English accent, handing back the glass to Quinn. "Emily Carr."
"You've got a lovely accent, Emily Carr", the blonde grinned and leaned closer. "I would say…from Newcastle-upon-Tyne."
The brunette's eyes widened. "How did you know?"
Quinn poked her right temple twice. "English women in general are pretty. Geordie women, now, they're striking. And you are the most stunning woman I've ever had the privilege of meeting tonight. Ergo, you must be Geordie.", Quinn answered, looking visibly pleased at her logic. "Plus, the accent gives it away. Don't hide it."
"People here won't understand me", Emily chuckled and quickly hid her blush through the glass she was holding.
Quinn scoffed and crossed her legs while resting her arm on the couch. "I'd definitely understand you. I'm, in fact, looking forward to hearing you – "
"Oh-kay", Santana interrupted with a nervous laugh. She placed her hand on her best friend's shoulder and gripped it. "I'm sorry Quinn, but we have to go. I have an early day tomorrow."
"Aw, okay", the blonde nodded in understanding then turned to look at everyone around her. "I live with her, see?", she said, tugging the Latina's hand. "She's my best friend, Santana Lopez. We're like, friends since high school in Hicksville, Oh-ha-yow". The Latina chuckled then rolled her eyes, patting Quinn's shoulder gently. "But I'll definitely see all of you again, yeah?", the blonde winked, earning her a few new entries in her phone and a business card from Emily. "Cellphone, home phone and email", the British woman husked. "I'd like you to not have an excuse not to contact me, Quinn."
Quinn threw her a lopsided smile that straddled in between cockiness and childish delight. No one has ever openly flirted with her before – except Rachel months before they became officially together – simply because she never allowed it to happen. It's a first and it's an achievement in Quinn's new book.
Santana held off going out for weeks, giving all sorts of excuses from headaches to school deadlines. It took a month and a half for the Latina to finally give in. The choice of venue initially left Quinn disappointed, having imagined being inside establishments Rachel went to. But the moment she sat beside that Emily girl and opened a discussion on postmodernism early on, she knew she was in the right place and made a mental note to thank her best friend later. She didn't even notice the number of girls who sat with them and injected their own ideas and conjectures until the very end. Quinn can't remember anymore how it felt to be popular and she had felt it at this occasion– but this time for less superficial reasons.
Across town, Rachel was curled up in her loveseat while Kurt sat on the carpeted floor, sharing a bottle of red wine. "I haven't heard from her since she left, Kurt", Rachel murmured then wiped away a few stray tears. She looked absolutely miserable, Kurt concluded. From the way her hair was carelessly put up in a bun, to her blood-shot eyes and red nose, it's been years since the he had seen his best friend looked utterly lost. "This place", Rachel waved her now empty glass around, "just feels so empty and huge. The silence kills me."
"So from what I gather, you miss her company, and not exactly her", Kurt opined. This earned him a stern glare from the diva. "No, God. I miss her", Rachel corrected.
The boy frowned in confusion. "But Rachel, I thought this is what you had wanted."
"I wanted a break, Kurt; a breathing space. I didn't…" Rachel breathed deeply and drank from her newly replenished glass. "I didn't want her to give me up completely."
"Well, did it ever occur to you that what you wanted broke her heart?"
"I'm so selfish."
"Yes, you are, Rachel."
Rachel chuckled dryly. "Whose side are you on?"
"Yours. And that's why I'm calling out your b.s", Kurt retorted. "For months you whined that Quinn was slowly choking you to death. That you often found yourself wondering what it would have been like if you ended up with Finn – I have a ready answer for that, but you won't listen anyway – so this is your opportunity to find out. Quinn has given you that, and the least you can do is, make her heartache worth the hassle."
"Feels so wrong…"
"Because it is wrong. You expect Quinn to not give up on you completely while you explore your unfinished business with Finn? It is so wrong, Rachel."
"But you just said –"
"Doesn't make it right. But you're going to do it anyway. Quinn knew that."
Rachel shifted her position to directly face Kurt. "What do you have against your own stepbrother?"
"I have nothing against Finn. I have something against you deciding to be with Quinn while continuing to harbor feelings for him. Had I known that, I would have never supported your relationship with her. She had been very good to you, Honey. "
"She wasn't all angel, Kurt", Rachel retorted defensively.
Kurt nodded. "I didn't say she was perfect. Believe me, I know Quinn has a darker side than Darth Vader. But having said that, I still don't believe she deserved the level of dishonesty you gave her."
"It wasn't built on a lie, Kurt!", Rachel exclaimed. "I loved her. I still do. And honestly, I had never intended to blurt things out the way I did. We were so caught up in the heat of the moment, so angry at each other, I.."
"You decided to hit where it hurt the most", he finished.
The brunette looked away and nodded slightly.
Kurt sighed heavily. "I'll give you my honest to goodness opinion, okay? Don't hate me for saying this, because I do hope you know and believe that despite what I have to tell you, I love you and accept you for who you are."
Rachel glanced at him. "Okay", she said wearily.
"The thing with you is you want everything. Nothing really wrong with that per se. But with regard to Quinn and the accident, you wanted to placate the guilt that was eating you up. She didn't even blame you for what happened, Rachel. But you took it upon yourself to make it up to her." Kurt paused then continued when no protest came up. "You knew she had feelings for you already at that point, and you knew she would fall harder for you. You let it all happen. Finn broke up with you because in his simple mind, the fact that you kept delaying the wedding, and spent all your attention to Quinn meant you weren't interested in him anymore. Then, you were left heartbroken and still feeling guilty. So you decided to be with the one who loved you more – Quinn. If you can't have everything, at least make sure that you don't end up alone, right?"
Rachel merely sighed and wiped away her tears in response.
"I don't really doubt that you love Quinn, Rachel. You can't spend three years with someone without an ounce of care present. "
The brunette nodded. "But?"
"But", Kurt let out a heavy breath. "But you've convinced yourself – no, wallowed in – the belief that you're only with Quinn out of guilt. You wasted so much time sinking in the" what if with Finn", failing to realize how much you have been hurting her. You've only thought of yourself all this time. Every hurtful thing she had said or done was magnified, feeding more of your obsession to look back in the past, justifying your comparisons between Quinn and Finn. You failed to realize you don't just love her. You've actually fallen in love with her. You have been since that summer after the accident. And I'm sorry for pointing out the obvious, Rachel. But you know you have screwed up; that there might not be a way to fix this with her. So you're telling me, and hoping to get my support, that you plan to reconnect with Finn."
Kurt stood up and squeezed himself next to Rachel, hugging her tightly. "I love you. But my answer is this, Rachel. Fuck you for even considering it. Finn is living a quiet life in OSU. Don't complicate his life, because he doesn't deserve it."
A/N: Hit the review button, you know you want to, lovely people (: