Everybody's talkin' 'bout
Wanting that and needing this
I'd just like to know
If you want to learn a different kind of kiss
Where Life Begins
New Year's Eve Academic Year 2012-2013
She took a mental note to never believe any erotic literary submissions on the internet again. Sweet nectar, my foot, she thought to herself. It wasn't sweet; it was, in fact a bit salty and had a distinct smell but (thankfully) wasn't strong enough for her to gag. It just tasted and smelled like, well, she supposed it how a vagina should taste and smell like up close and personal.
Quinn, therefore, could not decide whether she liked how Rachel tasted. The blonde, however, loved how her girlfriend was reacting to every flick of her tongue; with the brunette moaned, writhed above her and occasionally called out her name in the sexiest way imaginable.
The road that led the former celibacy club president in between the tiny diva's legs was far from sexy. They had a huge fight that morning resulting to an epic diva storm out – something Quinn had not witnessed in a very, very long time. The more disconcerting aspect of their argument was the root cause of it – sex. Or rather the lack of it that Rachel had attributed – and finally verbalized – to Quinn's inability to find her attractive.
It was a few hours before New Year's Eve and they had just returned a couple of days ago from Lima. As much as Rachel missed her fathers, she also didn't want to miss her first New Year's countdown and ball drop at Times Square. The fact that she had someone to share a kiss with made it all the more a must for her to be there. Quinn, on the other hand, was just as glad to be back for entirely different reasons. After visiting Beth and giving her a dozen gifts that she squirreled away since she arrived in New York (she had often found herself fantasizing about bringing Beth to F.A.O Schwartz and play the big piano), she dreaded spending time with her family.
It wasn't that Quinn's relationship with Judy was broken. The accident had allowed her mom to do some serious examination of their affinity– something that had been in the works since the older blonde filed for divorce against her husband – but was once again slightly strained when she caught Rachel and Quinn making out. That wasn't a good situation to be in, Quinn realized. Her mom walked right in her room with the brunette on top of her and the blonde's hands wandering dangerously on the singer's behind. Believe it or not, Quinn understood the disappointment. She wouldn't want to catch her own future daughters to be in such compromising position. For the young Fabray, of course, it didn't matter whether they are gay or not; but Quinn knew that she would turn into a murderous bitch if she finds anyone topping her children that way.
But she wasn't reprimanded or threatened by eternal damnation. Something worse happened. Her mom cried and said nothing. Any average teenager would tell you they would rather have their mother scream like a banshee than to be given the silent treatment. Quinn would have chosen fire and brimstone over knowing her mother's heart was once again broken for something she had done.
But the younger blonde had no choice but to stay in Judy's home. She felt it would have been inappropriate to have insinuated herself in the Berry household when she lived one community away. It wouldn't help her relationship with Judy, either. So despite the discomfort, and tensed environment, she spent her holidays in a house that she never felt like her home, exchanging pleasantries and ignoring Quinn's relationship with Rachel.
Pre-Christmas lunch with Russell was no different. When the blonde's father invited her to meet up, she decided to see him at a restaurant in the mall. The more public, the better. The man was too concerned with orthodox societal norms that he would never dare utter in a place full of people anything relating to Rachel. He was, after all, a gentleman who is above reproach on the outside and a bigot only at home. There was no conciliatory gesture. It was more of a business meeting than anything else - a complete financial and academic report. Interestingly, her father was more pleased with the fact that she had been taking up graphic design than her initial plan to enroll in Yale's theatre program. He wasn't at all very happy when she announced her plans for a career in the academe and research. It was really baffling to still have financial support from him, but Quinn wasn't about to question that right now.
Even without his support, Quinn had been very clear that she can make it on her own. It helped her case that Judy - despite their differences - was more than willing to spend for her. Lesbian or not, her mother was determined to keep Quinn out of Lima and be the woman she will never be. While, it was a rather complex relationship between Judy and her daughter; with Russell it was a straightforward parental obligatory interaction. In this manner, Quinn found it easier to deal with her dad. Emotions don't come easy with the blonde, let alone stare it straight in the face.
Which is what kind of happened at Christmas dinner with the Berrys.
Somewhere between eating the Moroccan couscous and dessert, Rachel got into a heated discussion with her fathers when Hiram "inadvertently" made a patronizing remark about Quinn's graphic design talents that extend to bathroom walls. No, Quinn never got the Hiram Berry seal of approval, but it was the first time he had made a direct scathing remark about Quinn's past bullying ways. That effectively ruined the whole night and Rachel accusing her fathers of being hypocrites was the cherry on the top. Quinn tried to placate Rachel's tantrum, only to be on the receiving end of the diva's ire for not standing up for their relationship.
Quinn wanted to skip the Glee semi-reunion the night after because seeing Finn interact with Rachel just made her want to sulk for a whole year. Her mood was pacified when Puck brought along Beth - donned in the cutest Santa Claus outfit - as Shelby's Christmas gift for Twuinnie (being charitable is apparently a genetic thing).
Quinn didn't miss the way Rachel's eye lit up when her ex-fiance walked in the restaurant. Worse, she didn't appreciate the diva's glares thrown her way because she was apparently "acting all family-like with Noah". Rachel had the gall to remind her of their last summer when Puck made a last ditch effort to be with the blonde. It took all of Quinn's restraint not to bite back and bring attention to Rachel's own feelings for Finn. It was overall a shitty holiday filled with bickering, and parental issue, so the last thing she wanted was for Rachel to start reassessing her devotion to their relationship.
Needless to say, the journey back to New York was quiet until they got home when Rachel took out her Christmas gift for Quinn - something she failed to give because of the Berry household drama and the jealousy-fest. Quinn cried after opening the box (who wouldn't cry at a complete collection of 12-inch Star Wars PEZ dispensers that play the movies' music?) It was the best gift she had ever received in her whole life. She suddenly felt pathetic in terms of her gift for Rachel – a framed The Barbra Streisand Vinyl Album – because it was an easy and obvious choice. The brunette passionately protested the blonde's sentiments and tried to ease her worries by kissing her senseless.
Quinn found herself pinned down to the bed with Rachel straddled on top. The former HBIC swallowed thickly as both measured up one another, waiting for signals and for the other to make the first move. The brunette broke the stand-off, leaned down and planted feather-like kisses on Quinn's lips, hoping to tease the girl beneath her, enough to make a more aggressive move.
It worked and earned an internal smirk from the diva. As she was about to pull away, Quinn slightly sat up onto her left elbow then used her free hand and cupped the back of her head drawing their lips together. Rachel melted into the kiss and ran her hands over the blonde's body, feeling Quinn's muscles twitching at each touch. It encouraged the petite girl to slip her hand under her girlfriend's shirt when she felt Quinn gently sucking her tongue. Because Rachel felt no objection, she sneaked her hand around and played with the bra hook for a few seconds. Once more, no sign of disapproval from her girlfriend – who was very busy sucking on her neck - when she unclasped it with ease.
By that time, both have earned higher degrees in teasing and making out and almost about to earn doctorate degrees in unfulfilled sexual urges.
Quinn was apparently hell bent in getting her diploma as soon as possible.
It was still fine when Rachel cupped her breast and teased the nipple to a hardened state between her fingers. Quinn was making all sorts of noises then bit a particularly sensitive area on the brunette's neck. This prompted Rachel to sit up and lifted her shirt above her head and threw it behind her.
That was the moment Rachel realized she was dealing with an alien life form.
An average reasonable person would find this a turn-on especially since they were in a relationship. Quinn, however, placed her hand on Rachel's thigh, looked straight in her girlfriend's eyes and shook her head. "I'm not –"
"Ready", Rachel finished before grabbing her shirt and crawled out of bed.
"Rach..", Quinn whispered as she watched the now fuming diva walk out of their room then storm back after she had put back her shirt on. Quinn blinked a few times and was rendered immobile when she saw tears were streaming down Rachel's face.
Rachel crossed her arms over her chest and let out a shaky breath. "I don't mind waiting, Quinn. I really don't. It gets frustrating at times but my respect for you is stronger than any need for physical intimacy. I just –" She exhaled loudly then forced herself to look directly at Quinn. "I wish you'd tell me why you aren't ready. If it's really for religious reasons, I will accept it. But somehow, I don't think letting me have some fun with your upper body is biblically acceptable."
Quinn felt her face flush with red. But before she could even gather her thoughts, Rachel once more spoke in a very small voice. "I want to understand, Quinn. Are you not attracted to me?"
Quinn's head snapped towards Rachel's direction and did what she realized later on as a relationship no-no – she let her mouth gape then laughed softly. "Rachel, you can't possibly be asking that question.", she said and gave an incredulous look.
"Really, Quinn? That's all you're giving me?", she shook her head in disbelief. "I had thought you took me more seriously than this."
Quinn's smile fell upon realizing the folly of her actions. "No..Rach, I'm sor—"
"You're sorry", Rachel nodded. "What are you going to do next, Quinn? Assure me you didn't mean what you said or did. Turn into your usual adorable self and make me forget? Because you know you can."
Quinn frowned as she stared at her lap. "No", she whispered. "I didn't mea—", she shut her mouth and sighed. She was boxed by her past actions and now she had no idea what to do except to keep silence. Rachel took the silence as another attempt to just sweep things under the rug, so before her temper could flare up again, she grabbed her coat and purse then left their apartment.
Quinn slumped down onto the bed, stared at the ceiling and chewed her lip. Well done, Fabray, she heard an extremely sarcastic Santana in her head. "Stupid", she mumbled and slapped her forehead. "Stupid, stupid, stupid", she repeated with each slap before reaching out for her phone and tried calling Rachel but her call went to voicemail. Begrudgingly admitting that Rachel would need space and she needed the time to gather her thoughts, Quinn decided to let go for awhile.
Meanwhile, somewhere between 49th and Fifth, Santana's ear was burning from Rachel's voice at the other end of the line. "Jesus, Berry. Hold your horses. I'm at Saks. Meet me at Café SFA in a few minutes." After ending the call, she immediately sent a message to Quinn.
Your woman is on the warpath. What the fuck did you do, Quinnie? Call Barbra the worst artist on the planet?
Quinn sighed after hearing her phone buzz. She had a nagging feeling that she won't like what she'll read. True enough.
How did you know she's angry at me?
Santana shook her head and wondered why she's in the middle of this lover's spat.
She called me up and asked to meet up with me.
Quinn read the message twice and panicked.
Don't get yourself involved in this. Please.
The Latina rolled her eyes and typed furiously.
Too late for that, blondie. I had been involved ever since you confessed your inexplicable affection for Rachel. I will try my best not to give all your secrets away. But if Rachel offers to buy me lunch, well, I'd have to rethink my loyalties.
The blonde growled out of frustration.
I hate you.
Santana chuckled to herself then swiped the smile off her face upon seeing Rachel enter the restaurant from the corner of her eye.
Thumbelina has arrived. Will report to you later, Captain. Over and out. Oh, and p.s you love me.
"This better be so important for you to take me away from my shopping day", Santana said in an attempt to sound annoyed. But when she looked up and saw Rachel, she decided that wasn't the best time to tease the smaller brunette. "You look like shit." Oops. She couldn't help it, apparently.
Rachel sighed then sat down. "I know I look like..crap. You don't have to state the obvious."
"This is very weird", the Latina said as she called the waiter's attention for a menu. "I mean, you rant to pixie boy and Fabray runs to me for my advice. You're ruining the balance of the force."
Rachel grimaced. "You didn't just reference Star Wars."
"I did. And your problem with that?"
"Nothing. I just didn't realize Quinn had that much influence in you."
Latina snarled. "Hey, what makes you think she influenced me and not the other way around?"
"Well, no—"
"She used to make me watch it when I sleepover", Santana sheepishly admitted.
Rachel smirked. "You know, I've always been curious as to what you do in your sleepovers." She points a finger at Santana. "And don't look like it's a weird thing to think about. A lot of people were fascinated with the two of you."
"Because we're two of the hottest girls in McKinley.", the taller brunette nodded with satisfaction.
"Well, that. And because you both held power, and had a very odd friendship."
Santana laughed. "Are you serious?"
"Mhm."
"What normal girls do in sleepovers, Rachel."
Rachel thought about it. "Watch movies, eat popcorn and talk about boys."
"Yeah. Well, not so much boys. I didn't talk about boys."
"She knew.."
"No, hell no", the Latina chuckled. Santana suddenly was reminded of Quinn's meltdown at their stint for Nationals in New York junior year when the blonde automatically assumed she was offering sex. "I mean. I certainly didn't tell her. But hindsight, yeah I think she had an idea and respected that."
Rachel had always been fascinated with the bond between the two ex-Cheerios. She had always imagined that when these two were alone, all masks were taken off. Quinn wasn't Brittany for Santana to hide her feelings or convince her that sex wasn't dating; and Santana wasn't Rachel. They were so different but so much alike at the same time.
"Quinn is a lot more complicated than you and I combined", Santana muttered.
Rachel smiled. "Am I that transparent?"
"Yeah, sort of.", she shrugged. "To begin with, Rachel, the way she grew up affects her even if she refuses to admit it. You may have an unusual family set up, but it's not dysfunctional. Quinn's family had always been dysfunctional. You try growing up in that kind of environment, and it'll screw up your mind good."
"I'm vaguely aware of her family life, Santana. It's not something we talk about. I know what everyone else knows. Her father threw her out when she got pregnant, and then the divorce happened because of infidelity."
Santana sipped from her drink then sighed. "It's not even those things that have a terrible effect on Quinn. It's the seemingly benign things that accumulate over time. She's like a sponge, Rachel. She absorbs everything."
"Like how?"
"Like, her dad had this habit to talk down on her mom in front of guests. Quinn had never forgotten those moments. Or the fact that she had never had a decent conversation with her parents without vodka present."
Rachel nodded in understanding and let Santana continue.
"So forget about the fact that they turned their backs against her at her hour of need. I haven't even begun telling you how she was treated when she was Lucy. I don't think that's for me to say in the first place."
The shorter brunette nodded again, trying to understand everything so far. "Quinn never really felt loved."
"No. She never did. So even if, guys like Finn or Sam, or Puck showed something remotely close to love, Quinn never really recognized it. Until she had Beth. I think that was her eureka moment – what love meant. So it's no wonder she went berserk after giving away the only thing that made her feel human. For her, everyone else had placed a lot of expectations on her. When she gives it, they want more. And if she fails to fulfill it, they will be disappointed. Beth wasn't like that, of course."
Rachel frowned. She didn't like where Santana's logic was going. "And with me?"
"What you have to understand, Rachel, Quinn is the most insecure person you'll ever encounter", Santana said in an effort to deflect the diva's question. "If you want to, you'd have to at least reassure her that you're with her because you want to be. Not because of any ulterior motive."
"I am with her because…because I want to."
Santana narrowed her eyes at Rachel's hesitation but opted to say nothing about it. "What did you two fight about this time?"
"This is kind of embarrassing and very personal."
"Sex?"
"Yes", she blushed. "Or lack thereof"
"What about it?"
Rachel's eyes widened at Santana's nonchalance. "You know about it. I mean, she talks to you why we haven't."
The Latina propped her elbow then rubbed her forehead. "Why do you think she's been refusing to?"
"Because she's not attracted to me", she whispered sadly.
Santana frowned deeply. "Where's this coming from?"
"From the fact that she had been very critical of how I looked from the start? I've tried so hard over the past few years to move past that. I don't hold any grudges. But every time Quinn rejects me or pulls away when we start to get intimate, I can't help but feel ugly in her eyes again."
"You told her this?"
"I started to. Then she laughed."
"She fucking what?"
"She laughed."
Santana groaned and shook her head. "Okay, I admit it's not the best reaction. And I don't want you to think I'm saying this out of blind loyalty, alright?"
Rachel nodded. "Okay. I'll listen first."
"I'm guessing – this is just really a guess – she reacted that way because out of all possible reasons why she refuses to have sex with you, that's the least plausible. She's so attracted to you, it's bordering on psychotic."
"Maybe emotionally –"
"And physically." Santana interjected. "Listen, I know we called you all sorts of names and—"
"And Quinn drew horrible pictures of me"
Santana leaned back and watched Rachel nervously tuck some hair behind her ears and refusing eye contact."You really believe this shit."
The smaller girl nodded and blinked back her tears. "It's a bit difficult not to believe. Santana, Quinn is the most beautiful girl I've ever known. Anywhere we go, people turn and look at her. A part of me feels so proud, but, there's also a part of me that just makes me feel so…small. She doesn't have to do anything, yet people gravitate towards her. I have to sing just for someone to see that there's something special in me."
"Quinn doesn't make you feel special?"
"She does.", Rachel smiled. "She does little things everyday that makes me feel special. But you know us girls", she points to her then Santana, "we sometimes want the positive affirmation that we are beautiful in someone's eyes."
Santana quirked her eyebrows and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, but whatever the reason is; I can guarantee you it's got nothing to do with that."
"Then, what is it?"
Santana raised her hands in front of her chest. "That's something you two should talk about."
"If I can get her to talk", Rachel whined.
"You two need joint counseling or something"
Rachel glared at Santana and looked scandalized. "We haven't been together for a year. Those are for old couples."
"Yeah but you have old couple problems. Lack of intimacy, difficulty communicating, yup. Definitely old couple problems", the Latina teased then became silent for a moment. "I can't give Quinn away. I want to live just a bit longer. But just read between the lines, got it?"
Rachel sat straight in a meerkat-like fashion and nodded earnestly. She decided to hold her tongue and not tease the Latina about her revelation that she feared Quinn. Rachel wanted to live a little longer, too.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Quinn wants you badly. But there are things that hinder her from giving herself to you. If you can show her that she wouldn't lose anything, but rather gain more, then you'll be resolving this. And I'm not just talking about sex. I'm stopping right there. Figure the rest out by yourself." Santana raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. "Now, buy me lunch."
Rachel didn't go home that night and stayed with Kurt because "she needed to process things". At least that's what her text message said. Quinn spent the whole night accusing Santana of all sorts of things believing that it was their lunch talk that made Rachel refuse to come home.
Quinn was resigned to the idea that we she will spend New Year's Eve alone and miserable. She literally tripped over the hall runner when she saw Rachel sitting on their couch that morning. "Rach..you – you're home.", she stuttered while crawling to catch the runaway apples from her grocery bag.
The brunette rushed over and crawled under their dining table and gave handed over the last fugitive fruit. She sat down on the floor and waited for Quinn to return from the kitchen. "Did you hurt your knee?", she asked quietly.
"It's fine." Quinn sat down next to Rachel rubbed it. "How's..how's Kurt?"
"Kurt's okay. He's attending this New Year's Eve party somewhere. I didn't listen much to his plans, to be honest."
"Oh.", Quinn pursed her lips. "Do you, uhm, do you want to go somewhere? I can ask Santana. I'm sure she's, uh, she's aware of some parties that we can get into."
Rachel looked up and into hazel eyes. "I still want to go to Times Square with you."
Quinn fought the urge to grin. Instead, she took Rachel's hand and played with her fingers. "Times Square's good. We can do Times Square. I'll… I'll make us hot chocolate then, uhm, put them in a couple of vacuum flasks and –"
"I'd love that", Rachel whispered. Her heart felt like bursting at how Quinn remembered a conversation they had on celebrating New Year's Eve. "I like how you make them." She began tracing the dark circles around Quinn's eyes. "I'm sorry for running away like that."
"It's okay. I mean..I understand."
"Do you?",Rachel said softly.
Quinn wrinkled her nose then and shook her head. "Not really."
"That's okay. I don't understand myself most of the time, too"
"But I love you, anyway"
Quinn stiffened and held her breath. There it was, finally. Out in the open. In the most unromantic way she could think of. She wanted earth to open up and swallow her whole.
Quinn liked thinking. A lot. Because the nice thing about thoughts is that it stays in your mind and you can control and manipulate it without any interference. But the moment you say it out loud, you become the slave. You can't just take it back or change it, and all you have to do is wait. Wait for a response that you can't control yourself. She waited for the shit to hit the fan.
But that didn't happen.
Rachel held the contour of the blonde's jaw forced her to look directly at each other. "I love you, too."
And that is how Quinn let go of her fears and finally explored the unknown. Or rather, how she found herself fully naked and at the receiving end of the most mind-blowing experience in the world. They made love for the first time and second, and third, until they have forgotten about the ball drop and all other plans. They didn't need to because when the clock struck 12, both saw fireworks.
A/N: I decided to make this chapter longer for one simple reason: I'll be out of the country till next week. Thanks for your time reading this ^_^