It's a question of lust, it's a question of trust

It's a question of not letting what we build up, crumble to dust

It is all of these things and more

That keep us together

-Question of Lust

"Emily does this, Emily said this, Emily told me to work on this. Yadedadeda. I'm telling you, Kurt. It's so…damn frustrating." Rachel curled up in her love seat with the stuffed bear Quinn gave her on their first year together close to her chest. "She's like Yoda in stilettos."

Kurt scooped a huge glop of ice cream and rolled his eyes before placing it in his mouth. "As opposed to Finn this, Finn that?"

"That's not—"

"Of course, it's not the same, Rachel. ", the petite boy countered with a haughty expression. "Even if it is annoying, Emily came after your relationship with Quinn. You spent three years with Quinn while being obsessed with my stepbrother. Is she even with Emily?"

The brunette chewed her lip and picked the loose fur off the plushie. "No…no, she's not. I think. I'm not sure. They had mind-blowing sex. That much I know. I don't know if they've done it again after the hickey fiasco at the café."

"But they went together at the auction? I still hate you for not bringing me there, by the way"

"I told you, Santana notified me at the last minute!", Rachel said defensively then deflated. "They went in together. I don't know if it was intended to be a date."

"But you're the one who took her home." Kurt nodded as he scooped more ice cream from the tub. "So, it most likely wasn't a date."

Rachel smiled at the memory and spoke in a reserved manner. "Yeah..we kind of..", she giggled.

Kurt's eyes widened. "Kind of what?"

"Made out.", she mumbled with her lip caught in between her teeth. "Well, I made sure she had no choice". Rachel grinned smugly.

The boy's face fell in disappointment. "Oh. Made out."

The brunette sat up. "Hey, that's a big step."

"Towards what?"

"Towards…", she frowned then curled up again. "I don't know."

"See, there's wisdom to what Quinn wanted? You, not throwing yourself at her." He shook his head. "She knows it's really not going to do any good for both of you."

"But I couldn't help myself. I miss kissing her. And she looked so pretty that night, Kurt. And smelled really nice—I don't know how she manages not to smell like cigarettes—and, and.."

"And you wanted to show the world she's yours. Not Emily's or anyone else in that venue"

"Yeah.."

"But she's not yours anymore."

"Don't you think I don't know that?", Rachel sighed then bit the bear's ear.

"No, I don't think you know that. She's been yours for a long time; I don't think you know what it's like anymore for Quinn not being yours." He waved his hand up in air. "Ergo, your latent violent tendencies coming out at the mere mention of Emily Carr."

Rachel's face scrunched up. "I miss her."

"She's in China, right?"

"Yeah", she smiled proudly. "We'll be chatting online later."

"How long will she be there?"

"Five days."

"Just five days. And you still have to chat online?"

"I asked her to"

"Rachel, I think you're doing this all wrong."

"Why? I'm trying to rebuild our friendship, Kurt"

"So, don't make out with her. And give her space."

"Then she runs to Emily. Kurt, Quinn's like her pet. She clicks her fingers and Quinn follows her without question."

"I highly doubt that's how their rela—dynamic is.", Kurt frowned, remembering clearly his assessment during their dinner. He secretly liked Emily and part of him genuinely thought the older woman looked good on Quinn. "You could just be overreacting."

"No, I'm serious. Even Santana thinks Quinn's like Emily's lap dog these days."

"She seems to be good for Quinn."

"I do not like you right now, Kurt Hummel."

" Rachel, you didn't see them interact the way I did. I know it's not a nice thing to hear, but, Emily actually has a lot of faith on Quinn and is helping her reach full potential. I can't really say you did the same."

"What are you talking about? I've always been proud of her."

"Proud, yes. Interested in her passions? No. Not the same way you expected her to support you."

"I'm trying to do that now"

"Well, that's good."

"It's not my fault I'm not an intellectual, Kurt."

The boy rolled his eyes. "I don't think she ever expected you to talk about theories and philosophies. But you never tried to understand her interests. You tease her about being a hipster and anti-mainstream. But really, did you ever once stop to figure out, why she feels strongly for or against something?"

"I—no, not really. But she didn't talk a lot, Kurt. It was always hard for me to know what was on her mind."

"Maybe you and Finn really are made for each other.", the boy sighed and shook his head. "Listen. You're my best friend and I want to see you happy. But I can't lie to you and say I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for Quinn." He raised a finger to stop Rachel from talking. "I know, you're going to say she wasn't perfect. That has been your defense since day one. And yes, every horrible thing she did, I don't justify and certainly should be addressed by her. But if you are going to be perfectly honest to yourself, Rachel, a lot of things that Quinn did was a reaction to your screw ups."

"She did a lot of things that's considered unforgivable by some."

"Like what, hmm?"

"Like slapping me in the face. Again."

"Because you freaking mumbled Finn's name while she was trying to give you an orgasm!"

"I was drunk!" Rachel worried her lip. "That… kind of made me confuse their names."

"That doesn't make it any less painful! God, Rachel. I can't believe you're still justifying that. Even I think that was a very kind reaction on her part. When you told me that, it made me want to throw up. And you know what else made me feel sick?"

"What?"

"She came crawling back to you, apologizing profusely for what she did. If I were in her place, I would not have apologized for that. Ever. What you did wasn't even enough for her to walk out for good."

Rachel held on to her stuffed toy tighter. "Was I really that bad?"

Kurt sighed heavily. "No, no I don't think so. You had your moments and I think that's what Quinn's trying to hold on to. For some reason, you made her happy. I'm only guessing that, because really, what could make her still agree to give this another shot?"

"I've been wondering that, myself."

"Have you asked her?"

Rachel shook her head and pouted. "We haven't actually had the time to talk after the auction."

"Because you were busy making out?"

"I wish, but no.", the brunette sighed dramatically. "School work's getting in the way. And Emily."

Kurt furrowed his brows. "Did she really tell you she's giving this another chance? Like it came right out of her mouth."

"Yes! I'm not that delusional, okay? She said it."

"But she still spends more time with Emily than with you."

"I think…I think she's testing me, you know? So I'm trying to be really patient."

"Rachel, have you really made up your mind? I mean, are you really sure it's Quinn you love and not Finn?"

Rachel stared into Kurt's eyes. "Yes", she said with much resolve. "It's Quinn I'm in love with."

She knew it the moment her heart shattered into pieces when those words came out. Quinn told her to go back to Lima and fuck Finn Hudson, she bit back and told the blonde that she will with gusto; that she was only with Quinn out of guilt and convenience. That not marrying Finn was the worst decision she ever made. Unspoken was the corollary to that—being with Quinn was the worst decision she had ever made.

Quinn didn't cry nor scream. She didn't lift a finger. Quinn pursed her lips and nodded several times slowly, as if she knew those things all along. She spoke quietly—broken—apologizing for ruining Rachel's relationship with Finn and that she would be out of the brunette's life as soon as possible. And when the brunette tried to reach for Quinn, she didn't fight. She allowed Rachel to hold her but did not reciprocate. That was Rachel Berry's defining moment. Because it killed her not to feel Quinn hold her back. They had many fights in the past, but the blonde never withheld affection when Rachel demanded for it. And that was when she realized it was Quinn all along.

The last month leading to their break up was their hell upon earth. It started when Finn decided to give Kurt a surprise visit. Quinn's icy façade began to show cracks. Maybe it was because it was easier to deal with things when the person concerned is miles away. But here he was, in the flesh, looking dapper and more mature. A few days since his arrival and it became very clear that he wasn't the boy they all maligned. He wasn't yet the man Rachel wanted but he was in transition. They fought almost every day, because Rachel thought it would be polite to be good hosts and took Finn around the city. They had recently gotten engaged. In typical Fabray-Berry interaction, the idea simply popped in their heads one night—while watching an episode of Law and Order SVU—when Quinn made a comment about marital rights and hospital policies. Rachel panicked and thought of worst case scenarios. So they got engaged. Rachel assured Quinn it wasn't just because of that though. They had been living together for almost three years and the brunette said it was about time. Then Finn had to come along. And Rachel had to forget about Quinn in those two weeks. It was childish; they could have dealt with it better. But all those years of pent up hurt, anger and lack of communication broke the proverbial dam for Quinn.

So Rachel found herself in the defensive. Quinn always had temper problems but it spiraled out of control to the point that the brunette felt fear—something she had not felt with Quinn for a long, long time. No, Quinn didn't physically hurt her again, but was at the brink of verbal abuse which was exactly what led them to their final confrontation. Their whole world turned into chaos, and then everything went silent with their only their breaths that dared resonate.

It was cathartic.

Because Quinn finally found the voice she lost ever since she fell in love with Rachel.

And Rachel realized she loved Quinn with all her imperfections.

And right now, she was loving Quinn in all her dorkiness as the blonde maneuvered her way through a crowd at JFK Airport wearing an oversized "I climbed the Great Wall" shirt and a Chairman Mao cap. "Ni Hao Ma!", Quinn exclaimed then chuckled as she gave Rachel a bear hug.

"Oh my god", the brunette laughed. "How was your flight?"

"It was horrible. But your voice kept me calm", the blonde grinned. Rachel knew Quinn hated flying but loved the idea of traveling, so the diva decided to compile songs she had recorded over the years (you never know if and when a producer spots you) and synced them on the blonde's Walkman Mp3 ("I'm not anti-Apple, Rachel, I have a freaking Iphone. It's just Walkman is nostalgic", said Quinn.)

"Well, I'm glad it did just that" Rachel took one of Quinn's bags and hooked her arm on the blonde's as they headed to Santana's car. "And how was the conference?"

Quinn's eyes twinkled. "It was..amazing, Rachel. I met so many people and there was this one scholar from the Max Planck Institute in Germany . He actually wants to collaborate for a research, develop my work when I get to Master's level. Collaborate. Not me as his research assistant. Like we're going to be co-authors, Rach. He gave me his card."

Rachel really wasn't familiar of academe-speak, but she liked how co-authors sounded. She hugged Quinn and whispered, "I'm so proud of you", before opening the passenger side for the blonde.

"Thanks", Quinn beamed. "And thanks for picking me up."

"I wouldn't have it any other way"

Quinn kept readjusting her cap throughout the drive which amused Rachel to no end. "Quinn, you look good in it. I'm just not sure if Homeland Security will appreciate you wearing a communist hat."

"Pfft. It's working class fashion. They don't have a problem ironing Che Guevarra's face on a shirt"

"And what do you know about being working class, hmm?"

"And why are you engaging me in a conversation about class division?", Quinn chuckled in amusement.

"It was a valid question!"

"Fine, I do not know anything about being working class. But the hat is cool"

"Yes, it is"

Quinn relaxed in her seat and looked at Rachel. "I got you a lot of stuff"

"No snakes in a bottle posing as wine?"

"No", the blonde laughed. "Nothing like that."

"Good", Rachel sighed in relief.

The drive back was relatively quick and they were in Santana's apartment in no time. Despite Rachel's protestations, Quinn didn't get some rest and insisted at going ahead with giving the brunette the things she bought. The great thing about having an ex-girlfriend with a weird mind is that she will never settle for the usual souvenir items like magnets and keychains. Or maybe, just maybe, Quinn still treated her as someone special. The brunette convinced herself it was the latter because she absolutely loved her new set of ceramic vases, tea set and silk robes.

"So did you really get to climb the Great Wall?" Rachel asked in between peppering Quinn's neck with soft but lingering kisses. Ignoring Kurt's advice a few days ago, Rachel felt that Quinn leading her inside, what she now uses as, her room as a sign. Okay, so Quinn didn't actually lead her in. The blonde went inside and she followed. Unnecessary detail. It didn't take much, really. The brunette was beginning to realize Quinn wasn't exaggerating about the effects of Rachel's kisses on her. She tried to recall the past, and yes, she can't think of a moment when Quinn was able to fully resist her kisses even when the blonde was annoyed at her.

"Yeah", the blonde sighed contently. "I went to the highest point of the Wall in Beijing".

Rachel felt Quinn swallowing thickly. It made her smirk. The blonde loved it when her neck was given attention. "Did you take lots of photos?"

"Y-yeah..but" Rachel felt slender hands comb through her hair. "It was very foggy so, I need to, uh, edit them first."

"Okay", Rachel murmured against the blonde's pale skin before deciding it was safe to go lower, settling on the collarbone. "Where else did you go?"

"The…uhm, Forbidden City", Quinn swallowed.

"Why's it called that way?" She felt Quinn's hand glide lower to the small of her back and the diva felt like she was about to explode already. She nipped pale skin in response.

Quinn opened her mouth and eyes and stared at the ceiling. "Because the emperor..", she exhaled sharply, "the emperor lived there so..oh..that..that feels good"

Rachel giggled. "I'm sure it feels good to live with the Emperor" She slid upwards and kissed Quinn's ear.

It became too much for Quinn. "Rach..Rach, stop."

The diva withdrew immediately and rolled to her side. "I'm sorry.."

"Somehow I don't think you really are", Quinn chuckled breathlessly.

"Do you want me to be?", Rachel smiled as she lifted her head using her elbow as support.

The blonde shook her head and smiled.

She always smiled perfectly, Rachel thought. But whoever is calling on the blonde's cellphone won't be smiling anytime soon if the brunette had her way.

Quinn reached for her phone. "Hey, Em, what's up? Yeah I'm back." Quinn glanced nervously at Rachel who raised her eyebrow and mouthed "Em?"

"Uhm, yeah, maybe tomorrow? Yeah, you're right… Oh shut up.", she glanced at Rachel again and chuckled. Emily, on the other end of the line, picked up right away that she was with the diva and made a comment about putting their private lessons into good use with the smaller brunette. "You're annoying right now. Bye.", Quinn ended.

The playful tone on Quinn's voice while talking to Emily made the brunette irrationally infuriated but was pacified by the blonde's gesture of turning off the phone and giving her a peck on the lips. "Do you want me to make coffee?", Quinn asked sweetly while rubbing the other girl's arm.

"Are you sure you don't want to…see her?"

Quinn quirked her brows and gave her a knowing look.

Rachel: Wow, this is actually the first time I'm using Gmail's chat service.

Quinn: If you say something about me being anti-Skype, Rachel, I will go offline.

Rachel: No cracks about your choices as a consumer. I promise.

Quinn: Great. How are you?

Rachel: Missing you.

Quinn: I miss you, too.

Rachel: But are you enjoying your trip, so far?

Quinn: Yeah, I just got back from the day tour. I'm just going to have dinner here in my room because I want to chat with you.

Rachel: Sure? You might be missing out on Chinese girls.

Quinn: Logging off now.

Rachel: JOKE! I WAS JOKING!

Quinn: Sure.

Rachel: You really can't expect me to assume that no one's asked for your number. It's a student conference, right?

Quinn: Rach, some did ask for my contact details. THAT'S CALLED NETWORKING. I'm not whoring myself around.

Rachel: Hey, that's harsh. I never implied that.

Quinn: Never said you did. Just making sure you know.

Rachel: Appreciated.

Quinn: I can't access Facebook here. It's banned.

Rachel: And you care because?

Quinn: I want to post some of my photos.

Rachel: Since when did you care about posting photos on Facebook?

Quinn: Since I'm in freaking Beijing. I need to brag about it.

Quinn: …Hey, that's a good band name. Freaking Beijing.

Rachel: Album title—DORK

Quinn: Welcome to the dork side.

Rachel: OMG. You just didn't.

Quinn: I did.

Rachel: ANYWAY. Why don't you shoot me an email and attach some photos, I'll upload them for you. You haven't changed your password, have you?

Quinn: …no.

Rachel: Rachel berry is mine forever and ever, right? One word, no caps.

Quinn: something like that.

Rachel: Your ears are red. I can almost see them.

Quinn: Shut up.

Rachel: Make me.

Quinn: I can't. Virtual kisses don't work on you.

Rachel: You're being cocky now? You think your kisses can make me shut up?

Quinn: It always did, before.

Rachel: Rolling my eyes.

Quinn: I'm that good, huh?

Rachel: Logging off now.

Quinn: That would make me a sad panda.

Rachel: Aww. The images in my head! Are you gonna see them?

Quinn: Yeah! Tomorrow!

Rachel: Try to smuggle one for me.

Quinn: Okay. Noted. You know what's cool? I met some people here who know Emily. I'm halfway across the world.

Rachel: Quinn, can I be honest for one moment?

Quinn: Of course.

Rachel: I'm glad Emily's out to save the world and all. But. Can you not talk about her with me?

Quinn: Oh. Sorry...

Rachel: You don't have to apologize. I just figured that since we're trying to be honest with each other, might as well come clean about it.

Quinn: Yeah, you're right. And thank you for telling me.

Rachel: But before we implement that rule, can I ask you something about her?

Quinn: Sure, I guess.

Rachel: Okay..are you and Emily still engaging in sexual activities?

Quinn: No, not since we kissed after the auctions.

Rachel: Oh, okay. I can't lie. I'm happy about that.

Quinn: Rach, I will still see Emily. I don't want you to be hung up on the fact that we had sex.

Rachel: I'll try not to.

Quinn: You need to do more than that. Rach. This isn't just about Emily.

Rachel: I know, I know. I need to stop comparing myself to other women.

The diva slowly cracked a genuinely huge smile. "Okay, okay.", she nodded. Quinn makes the best coffee. Well, because, Quinn knows how she likes it. So she tugged the blonde's hand and pulled them out of bed because she understood that look. It was Quinn reminding her of their Gchat conversation a couple of days ago and how Rachel should not be look at other women as a focal point of their relationship right now. But this is where theory is separated from practice. She tried focusing on the knowledge that Quinn turned down Emily for her. It could be a good step; concentrating on the fact that the blonde always prioritized her, so at any point of comparison, she just needed to remind herself that as far as Quinn is concerned, no one went above Rachel. That made her smile, and felt more at ease for the first time in a long while.

A/N: You guys are angels, I swear. Your comments and reviews never fail to give me energy for this fic.