But there was always something different
In the way she held a stare
And the pictures that she painted
Were of glamour and of flair
And her boyfriend though he loved her
Knew he couldn't quite fulfill
He could never meet her there
-Queen of Hollywood
There are two ways to represent small towns: a place where people want to run away from, or a place that gives birth and nurtures dreams; a place to look back to in nostalgia. Rachel chose to see Lima from the latter perspective. For every hateful word or deed thrown her way, she took that as positive energy that fueled her dream and got her ready for blast off. She had a tendency to be one-track minded and it helped her most of the time since Lima didn't exactly give her a lot of choices when she lived here. McKinley was, in particular, very limiting. It didn't give her enough leeway to choose friends, image and reputation. Quinn was very much a major factor in this and had always tried to find ways to show remorse. The diva realized however, that even up to her return to Lima, there is a part of her that harbored a fundamental disbelief that someone like Quinn actually made that transition from hatred to love directed at her. Sure, it's the stuff that movies are made off. She had seen A Walk to Remember several times to know that it could happen. But not to her. Because she's Rachel Berry. No one just trips and suddenly find themselves falling in love with her. It just didn't happen.
She had asked Quinn several times in the past why , how, and when did she fall in love to the point of exasperation. She reckoned it was frustrating for the blonde because Quinn knew she wanted specifics but her former tormentor could only give a broad-spectrum of the changeover with regard to her feelings.
"Quinn? Are you awake?"
The blonde moaned lowly and stirred before huskily answering, "I am now.."
"Sorry.." Rachel mumbled with a smile.
"Something wrong?" Quinn asked with one eye opened as she had turned to face Rachel.
The diva shook her head. "Just…I can't sleep"
"So you decide…to…wake me up", the blonde said in between yawns.
"Yes"
"Amazing logic, sweetheart.", Quinn whispered with her eyes closed and brows furrowed.
The brunette snaked her hand over Quinn's ribcage area and gently stroked the underside of the blonde's left breast causing the sleepy girl to giggle. "You're really determined to keep me up, aren't you?"
"uh hmm"
"Okay, okay" The blonde's eyes fluttered open. "Not sleeping anymore. What's on your mind?"
"What made you fall in love with me?"
Quinn blinked several times. "That's what keeping you up?"
Rachel nodded. "I've been trying to figure out the timeline."
"Honey, don't compare me to those Evolution of Man posters that show how we started from apes to homo sapien sapien."
This made the diva break into fits of laughter.
"What?", Quinn playfully growled. "You wake me up then laugh at me. You're doing this all wrong."
"No, I'm sorry. It's just..", Rachel buried her face on Quinn's chest and continued laughing. "I mean…you…I kind of imagined you in those posters. It's..oh god"
The blonde rolled her eyes then poked her girlfriend's side. "Stop thinking about it then."
"I can't!", Rachel giggled then breathed deeply and hummed. "Okay.."
"Okay"
Quinn huffed as soon as the brunette started giggling again. "Rachel.."
"No, it's different now."
"What do you mean?"
"Now I'm laughing at the how you're able to insert your geekiness into our conversation. Homo sapien sapien.. what's the other one?"
"Homo sapien neandertales.." Quinn said without batting an eyelash. She then glared at Rachel before kissed the tip of Rachel's nose. "You. Are. Making. Fun. Of. Me.", she said in between kisses.
Rachel closed her eyes and smiled while letting the blonde place angel kisses all over her face. "Am not. I think the fact that you're geeky makes you so sexy."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely". Rachel opened her eyes wide. "Which. Brings us back to my query."
"How?"
"You're extremely beautiful", Rachel lifted a finger to stop Quinn from reacting. "You were captain of Cheerios, and even in your so-called fall from grace, that never stopped people from wanting to be you or be with you. You're very intelligent, and sophisticated. And sexy. I already mentioned that earlier, but it bears repeating."
"Done kissing my ass?", Quinn chuckled.
"Point is, I don't get it, Quinn."
"Get why out of everyone who wanted to be with me or be me, it's you I wanted to be with?"
"Yeah", the diva said in a small voice.
"I can't really—I mean", Quinn puffed her cheeks. ""There really isn't a so-called timeline, Rach. I guess it's safe to say that I've always been attracted to you. We were at puberty, and of course I couldn't process exactly what that attraction meant. I obviously took it and expressed it negatively because of several mitigating factors..", she paused then breathed deeply. "but it's like..I couldn't get myself from staying away from you. I didn't have to make your life miserable, but I did."
Rachel started to trace patterns on Quinn's belly and simply nodded in response.
"I don't know..I guess it's..everything you've done for me. You were kind, charitable and understanding. Everything that I'm not."
"I wasn't all that good to you."
"No..no you weren't. But ultimately you always took the higher ground. You reached out for me. Not to take away what Mercedes did for me or everyone else. I'm thankful for everything they've done. Just that no one's ever been so consistent in caring for me. Except you"
"I was annoyingly persistent, huh?"
"Yeah", the blonde chuckled. "So, I can't really say there was one specific thing you did that made me fall in love with you. But okay, I'll give you this much. I can tell you what specific thing you did that made me stop and think about my feelings for you."
Rachel rested her chin on the blonde's chest and smiled widely. "Yeah? When?"
"Regionals", Quinn nodded pensively. "When you stopped me from ratting out Shelby and Puck."
"Is that why you decided to become friends with me after?"
"Yeah..you could say that. I mean, when I realized that I was in love with you, it was also the bleakest moment of my life. I thought—no, I was certain—a "you and me" won't ever happen."
"So you were willing to settle for friendship."
"Nothing about being friends with you that screamed settling. It was a gift in itself. But my realization did make me decide to change how I treat you. I knew it was my turn to reach out. No matter how weird my methods were."
Rachel chewed her lower lip. "Mmm..okay."
The blonde arched her eyebrow. "That's it?"
"Yes, that's it."
"You're satisfied?"
"I am."
"Can we go back to sleep now?"
Rachel shook her head.
"No?"
"No" The brunette smiled deviously then rolled on top of Quinn.
Her fathers looked at each other and communicated silently on the way back to their home. They were surprised, to say the least, that their daughter went home without Quinn. The two men knew immediately something was terribly wrong to see Rachel without Quinn attached to her hip. The scene just looked so…incomplete. There was silence inside the car with the brunette staring blankly through her window.
"Rachel, is everything alright?" It was Hiram that first broke the stillness.
The diva slowly turned to face the front. "Yes, why?"
"Oh, I don't know. Call it paternal instinct. Or maybe the fact that you haven't said a single thing since we left the airport or the more glaring fact that Quinn's not with you."
Rachel opened then closed her mouth several times unable to find the most diplomatic way of saying things. "Quinn and I…we broke up."
LeRoy glanced through the rearview window but chose to remain silent and keep driving.
"What did she do?", Hiram asked.
The brunette glared at her father. "Why do you automatically assume it was her fault?"
LeRoy rolled his eyes at Hiram. He had always been sympathetic to Quinn causing him some heated arguments with his husband. As time went by, Hiram had softened his stance. But seeing his precious baby looking forlorn may not help Quinn's case.
"No, of course not honey..I just—"
"It wasn't her fault.", Rachel huffed.
"When?", LeRoy finally spoke.
"September"
LeRoy swerved then pulled over the side. "September?", both men exclaimed at the same time.
"Yes", Rachel said with wide eyes. "Why? Is there something special that month I should've known about?"
"Well, no sweetheart. Just…it's been that long and you made no mention of it?"
"I..well, we've been trying to fix things since then. I'm actually very hopeful we'll get through this. I do intend to marry Quinn"
Hiram looked at LeRoy. "I thought that Facebook relationship status was just nonsense."
"Why would think that?" LeRoy sneered at Hiram.
"Well, have you seen engagement rings?"
"We were just about to…", Rachel sighed. "She was having a Claddagh ring made for me", she sniffled as her lips quivered. "Anyway", the diva breathed deeply, then wiped her eyes. "I'm very confident we'll work on things", she nodded emphatically.
The two men nodded simultaneously. "I'm sure you will, honey", LeRoy said and offered a warm smile.
Rachel pursed her lips in return. She missed Quinn. They haven't seen each other for almost a month, not since they agreed for Rachel to come home to Lima alone and it's been driving her crazy. It's one thing to not see Quinn because they have just broken up and things were very uncertain. It's another thing to know they can see each other but choose not to. She'll probably end up calling the blonde later. Yeah, she will. Definitely.
It's going to be hard explaining their situation to people. Everyone will be asking about Quinn and why she chose to spend Christmas in England. Alone (because there's no way in hell Rachel will tell anyone Quinn is with a gorgeous brunette). So yeah, there's no escaping the inevitable.
What stresses her out the most is of course, Finn. The brunette won't deliberately seek her out, ask questions and do a SWOT analysis later on.
On second thought, maybe she would list down Finn and Quinn's respective strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. That could be helpful.
She actually had no idea how to go about this supposed process of figuring out her feelings for Finn. Quinn gave her the go signal to explore things with the boy, but to what extent, what it really means, her ex-girlfriend didn't say. More importantly, Rachel knew she would not be prepared for whatever answers she will come up with later on.
First order of the day was further explaining what happened to her fathers. A root canal would have been more preferable right at that moment. Recounting events is just plain masochistic. She was also pretty sure that she would get a good tongue lashing from LeRoy and a disappointed gaze from Hiram. After all, while the latter didn't particularly liked Quinn, he would zero in on the fact that she had deliberately deceived the blonde in so many instances.
Her only defense is that she never meant Quinn harm. And for what it's worth, except when they fight, Rachel genuinely enjoyed the blonde's company. The blonde balanced her out. While she was excitable, Quinn was more guarded. She talked a lot, while Quinn liked to listen. And she knew the blonde listened, not simply zone her out and pretend to. It was always the same; Quinn would drop whatever she was doing (except if she was in the middle of frying something. That's a no talk moment), paid attention, and if needed, gave her opinion. Quinn had a short fuse while she was more even-tempered (not that much, but still better than the blonde's). They're not polar opposites, but she likened it more to yin and yang; one that produced harmony rather than friction most of the time. After all, they wouldn't have lasted that long if there wasn't some form of convergence in thoughts and emotions.
And it's not even about the huge things. It's the little stuff that made her very fond of Quinn. Gestures like Quinn always shifting to the ride side whenever they cross the street or waiting for her in NYADA at late hours when she had rehearsals just so she won't commute alone. She always made Rachel feel safer.
Quinn, whether conscious about it or not, was also charmer. Since they arrived in New York and started school, they had unwittingly created a tradition—Knick-knack Fridays. It started when the blonde coming home from a charity bazaar held in front of Baruch and got her an Eiffel Tower keychain. The next weekend, Rachel decided to take a different route back home and stumbled upon a store filled with unusual and quirky items. She picked up a small tin can for mints with the words "Mint to be" printed on it and gave it to Quinn. The rest was history. It was an unbroken custom –lovers' quarrel or not—until, of course, they had broken up.
It therefore defied logic that Finn would still be a huge part of her. She tried. She knew it was unhealthy to keep Finn in her thoughts. She can't really find any explanation except isolating that moment Finn broke up with her because of her choice to spend all her time with Quinn. She wanted to get mad at the blonde, and tried to several times, but harboring ill-feelings directed at Quinn won't mask the truth that she didn't have anything to do with the break up. Within the first few months of the accident, she tried hard for Quinn to open up her feelings to no avail. Quinn never asked her to choose. She had even voiced concern over the escalating fights between Rachel and Finn but the brunette always brushed it aside. She wanted to get mad at Finn as well but she saw the boy's situation clearly and with sympathy. They didn't cancel the wedding because one wanted to back out. Both were clearly adamant in getting married. It was definitely unfair to have left Finn hanging without so much as an ounce of explanation. They went from loving couple to nothing without an actual third party or any other strong circumstance that could justify the sudden change.
Finn actually didn't know about her relationship with Quinn until days before their departure to New York. They had really kept a low-profile that only Santana and Kurt were aware about it. For some reason, Rachel felt like coming clean to her former fiancée and as expected Finn didn't take it well. The mixture of hurt and confusion in his face was something Rachel found hard to forget. It took some time for the boy to process the information because, first, she's found someone else a few months after their break up, second, the other person is somebody he knew and used to date, and third, he had a really hard time absorbing the fact that Quinn turned out to be gay. Or bisexual. Quinn never really clarified that. It was really awkward when Finn asked if she was with Quinn out of pity or guilt.
It was bad enough that Quinn's accident cancelled their wedding. It was worse that their whole relationship crumbled because of that incident. Worst that the same person was leaving with Rachel to New York and live the life she had planned with Finn.
It all started and ended with Rachel's decision to be with Quinn and she reckoned it had to end with hers.
She didn't quite expect that her first encounter again with Finn would be in a grocery literally bumping into each other.
"Oh, hey, Rachel!", the tall boy exclaimed then gave the brunette a hug. "Merry Christmas!...Or is it Happy Hannukah?"
Rachel chuckled. "Can be both. You could always say Happy Holidays, just to be safe."
Finn gave her a lopsided smile. "That's true, I'll keep that in mind."
"So, how have you been?"
"Great. I'm doing great.", he said while pushing his cart next to Rachel's. "I took your advice. You know, about taking that part time job at that real estate company. You're right. My boss actually thinks I have a future in sales."
"Oh, really?", the brunette grinned. "You've sold houses?"
"Just one so far. I mean, it's not a huge thing or anything, but considering I was just shadowing my boss but I was able to convince the buyers? It was pretty cool. I'm thinking of taking the Realtor's exam. So with my future business management degree and that..I could do something good with it later on.", Finn said in a rather excited tone. It was unusual for the boy to be this talkative and be very specific about his plans in life.
"What about Burt's garage?"
"Oh, I still help. Like, right now, when I'm off school. How about you? Where's Quinn?"
Rachel cleared her throat. "We've hit a rough patch in our relationship…we're sort of on a break"
Finn placed some cans on the cashier counter then turned around slowly. "Oh. Like a three-year itch."
"I think that would seven, Finn", Rachel laughed sweetly.
"Well…you're not yet married. So, could be shorter", the boy shrugged then grinned before paying.
Rachel smiled. "Yes, you could be right."
"I wouldn't worry too much about it, Rach", Finn nodded serenely as he waited for the girl to check out. "Quinn cares about you deeply."
"She does.", the brunette agreed.
"Here..let me carry those for you", Finn offered then took the bags from Rachel. "But is she in town?"
"No..", the diva mumbled. "She's in England."
"That's a lot of space she's giving you.", the tall boy noted with raised eyebrow.
Rachel offered him a sad smile. "We'll probably see each other before New Year's Eve. Or..I don't know."
Finn sighed. "It's always hard to celebrate holidays after a break-up."
"We're not…I mean, we're on a break. That's different."
"No, I was talking about myself, Rach", Finn laughed.
"Oh", Rachel stopped walking and turned to face him. "What happened? Adrianne, right?"
Finn pressed his lips together and nodded. "Yeah. Well, nothing dramatic or anything. You know she's a couple of years older than me. And she got offered a job west coast. So, we decided to end things now. She wasn't keen to try a long-distance relationship."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Finn shrugged. "Thanks, but other than being bitten by the Christmas bug, I'm alright. So, anyway. Are you going to the Glee dinner, tomorrow? Mr. Schue's pretty excited about it."
Rachel grinned and nodded. "Yes, I most definitely will be there."
It was the usual Glee dinner, sans Quinn, Santana and Brittany (S flew to California, as expected), recalling events in the past and updates about the present. Rachel took careful steps in avoiding alcoholic beverages especially because she had been inseparable with Finn since they bumped into each other at the grocery. There was a hushed silence the moment they entered the venue, discomfited hellos and of course, "where's Quinn?".
Some gave knowing looks after finding out about the girls' situation and it left the brunette feeling more confused. Other than that, it was a good night. Until Finn kissed her at her fathers' patio and she kissed him back. She mentally cursed herself because she had no excuse. It would have been better had she been inebriated, at least she could always blame the alcohol.
But Quinn told her to explore her feelings.
That's what kept her from pulling away.
It was Finn who finally took the step. "Rach?", he whispered.
Rachel looked up and stared into his eyes. "Do you want to come in? My fathers won't be home until tomorrow noon."
It was both a painful and ecstatic moment for Rachel. She cried silently when it was over and Finn snoring softly to her side. She had to leave the room and sob inside her fathers' bathroom when she read Quinn's text: Hope you're having a good time. I miss you.
She looked at the clock. It was still early. There was only a five-hour difference between Ohio and London. She took a deep breath and called Quinn.
"Hey…Lima's okay, the usual. So did you get to explore? How cold is it there?...I miss you, Quinn", she whispered then bit her lip until she felt pain. "I know you said we needed space, but I needed to hear your voice…Is Emily with you?...Oh? You have separate beds?...Fine, okay, I'll stop being jealous…really? So what's cute on me?...Is that so?...What about my legs?...No, well Santana told me…You did not just reveal that…I'm telling Santana…Oh, yeah?"
She felt dirty . Flirting like that with Quinn while Finn was on the other room. She had no idea what's egging her to do these things. She kept repeating in her head that Quinn gave her a free pass. The blonde was with Emily in England and God only knows what they've been doing. She had the right to open herself up (no pun intended) to Finn. She wasn't cheating. No one was.
It would be alright.
Quinn would understand.
A/N: I intentionally made this chapter a lot shorter than the last one, because I do intend to make Rachel fill in the gaps for Quinn upon their return to New York.
A/N2: You have been warned. I am going to prolong your agony a bit more. It helps me deal with crap known as Glee Season 3.
.