No I ain't scared of lightning
It's the same old empty threat
I've been standing proud
Beneath the gathering cloud
And man
I ain't dead yet
-I Ain't Scared of Lightning
"Quinn.."
Quinn quickly took her top off and straddled the brunette, desperately nipping at every surface exposed to her. "I want you.", she mumbled with desperation in her voice.
"Quinn", the brunette said more forcefully.
"Shh.." The blonde hushed then rocked her hips against the other girl.
Emily sighed before she gently held Quinn's wrists to pry herself free. "Stop this. What's wrong?"
Quinn stared into the woman's lips and shook her head. "Nothing", she whispered with the corner of her lips quirked upwards. "Nothing's wrong. I just want you.", Quinn purred against the older woman's ear.
Emily dodged Quinn's kiss and chuckled dryly. "I don't think so."
This offended the blonde girl. "What? You don't want me anymore?", she mumbled with a clearly wounded tone.
"Quinn, that's not.."
"Fine." Quinn clenched her teeth then rolled of Emily's body, angrily grabbing her shirt from the floor.
"Quinn, don't be like this"
"Like what?",Quinn finally broke. "Like someone who wants to feel wanted? Huh? Not all of us can be one with the world and be numb like you, Emily!"
"I'm going to ignore that and be really understanding right now. You're obviously seething about something. I'm going to make us tea and hopefully by the time I come back, you have calmed yourself down."
Emily took her time inside the kitchen and allowed the younger girl to put her shirt on. A half-naked Quinn on top of her is hard to resist. Any other day, she wouldn't have given a rat's ass and jumped into bed with the blonde. But she knew something was terribly wrong when Quinn stormed into her apartment in running clothes at 3 A.M with bloodshot eyes. She may be a lot of things but she didn't take advantage of obviously emotionally distraught people.
Emily paused and surveyed Quinn's dishevelled state upon returning. "Why don't you grab some clean clothes in my armoire? Sleep clothes, right, second drawer"
"Okay." Quinn mumbled then walked towards the brunette's room in an almost robotic manner, grabbing the first on top of Emily's sleepwear. She lazily sauntered back to the living room after changing then washing her face. Nobody spoke for several minutes, with subtle sounds occasionally coming from the china tea set. "If you need to sleep, you can use the other room", Emily finally said with a small smile.
"Can't I stay with you?", Quinn asked softly.
Emily twisted her lips and gave herself some moment to make a decision. "Alright", she nodded." But don't take my side this time", she warned playfully.
Quinn sighed. Emily's side is also her side.
And the only reason why she was able to sleep that night was from pure exhaustion— fatigue from the hours of running she did and from what happened before that. In that moment, Quinn allowed herself to surrender in Emily's arms as she was held tightly, and make the most of the warmth that another body provided.
She woke up disoriented and immediately felt her leg muscles contract in pain. This is her punishment for not religiously running anymore. She groaned then forced herself to get up. She needed to apologize to Emily for her behavior last night. Well, from a distance. Because Emily, that moment, was waging war in the kitchen.
So, the woman can't cook and was living on the edge by burning eggs.
"You have no idea how good it feels to know you have a serious flaw", Quinn grinned as she smugly seized the spatula from the older woman and took over.
"Not so much as my flaw as it is my upbringing's", the older woman grumbled while she sat down at the other side of the kitchen island.
"Sure, blame it on the pedigree"
Emily brought down the newspaper and raised her eyebrow. "You seem alright now. Go away. I like my breakfast alone and quiet."
"Someone is grumpy"
"I was trying to feed you."
Quinn chuckled. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Thank you for the effort. "
"Sure. There's bacon and some other processed meat inside the freezer."
"You don't cook but your ref is well-stocked", Quinn noted after scanning the contents of the refrigerator.
"I hire someone to cook", the older woman mumbled before taking her coffee and flipping the paper's pages.
"It figures."
Emily sighed heavily and ran her fingers through her hair. "God, when will the stock market bloody improve? I'm losing money."
"Statistically, stock market performance goes through a four-year cycle. Which, interestingly, coincides with our presidential cycle. Wait for a couple of years."
The brunette looked up and laughed softly. "Thanks for that information."
Quinn shrugged. "I fried a new batch because there wasn't much I can do with your eggs burnidict,", she said nonchalantly while handing a plate to the brunette.
"Hilarious, you are", Emily responded flatly as she continued to scan the news.
Quinn sniggered. "What? It was funny."
The brunette gave a small smile and shook her head. "Sure", she said without turning her head to face Quinn.
Quinn's smile faltered. She stared at Emily and studied the girl carefully. "You're awfully cold and distant."
"Hmm?"
"Look, I'm so sorry about last night.."
That got Emily's attention. Putting down the paper, she looked at Quinn and shook her head. "No,no. I'm sorry, it's not—I just have a lot on my mind, that's all. I'm glad you ran to me instead of..", flicked her wrist, "I don't know where else you go, actually. But really, I'm glad you thought of me."
"Oh" Quinn frowned. "What stuff?"
The older woman smiled. "Stuff at home."
"Like what?"
"You're awfully inquisitive today."
"And you're annoyingly evasive."
The brunette stared into Quinn's eyes, leaned forward and massaged her temple. "Quinn, what's going on?"
Quinn shifted her eyes and chewed her lip. "I feel like you've been pulling away since we got back from England. Until last night, we didn't see each other for almost a month."
"I'm not. Listen—"
"You said if I made things complicated, you'd never look back. Did I?"
"That was when our relationship was purely sexual. We're not there anymore. We're actually friends. And believe it or not, Quinn, I like you a lot as a friend. So I wish we could keep it that way."
"Did I ruin that? Last night?"
"No, not at all." Emily placed her hand on top of Quinn's. "When you feel like telling me what happened, I'm all yours. Do trust me that I was quite distracted earlier for reasons not related to you. I'm sorry about that."
"Why won't you tell me what's bothering you?"
The brunette pinched her nose. "It's about some inheritance issues. Layla's been apparently talking to some lawyers and plan to sue the pants off me for getting the bulk of Granda's money. It's nothing that I can't handle but it's humiliating to our family. I still can't believe we grew up in the same household."
"'so it's got nothing to do with me?"
Emily smiled scornfully. "Yeah. Like I said, nothing that concerns you, so please don't think I'm distancing myself because I have no reason to. I had just been busy preparing for whatever Layla throws at me."
Quinn looked down and hunched her shoulders. "I might have provoked her last Christmas"
"I have been told something went on while I took Lucie to the market."
"She was being a bitch to me "
"She's a bitch to everyone", Emily laughed.
"And she said nasty things about you, so.."
"I didn't know if I could thank you before because you chose not to tell me about it. But since you've mentioned it, I appreciate very much what you did. But don't connect that with what Layla's been up to. This has been going on for years, so don't blame yourself. You did the right thing. She had no right to be rude to you."
"So we're okay. You're not mad at me or anything like that."
"We're fine", Emily said with a reassuring smile.
Quinn made a sound of approval while stuffing her mouth with toast.
"Your phone has been ringing non-stop since I woke up, by the way", the older woman noted when she heard her own phone buzz. "Santana, for some odd reason, has my number and had been sending me messages non-stop asking if you're with me. I haven't replied because I don't know whether you want to be found."
Quinn sighed. "Yeah, where did I leave it?"
"Coffee table"
The blonde bit another piece of toast and let it hang between her teeth as she retrieved her phone. 10 missed calls, 15 text messages. She had to stop herself from laughing at the contents of the messages sent by Santana that swung from subtle concern, to obvious coaxing methods, to Lima Heights Adjacent threats demanding the blonde to reply and tell her where she was.
She decided to finally reply with "At Emily's. I'm fine. Will be back later" before turning of her phone and headed back to the kitchen, ignoring the rest of the calls and messages by Rachel.
Emily glanced at the blonde upon her return. "Everything alright?"
Quinn smirked. "Yeah, everything's a bed of roses."
"With loads of thorns?"
"I really don't feel like talking about it right now."
The brunette nodded. "Alright, I'm sorry."
Quinn puffed her cheeks and stared blankly. "What will you do if your ex-fiancée who shall remain nameless from now on, admitted to having sex with her first ex-fiancée, and he will also be nameless, last holiday when you guys were supposed to be fixing things?"
Emily picked up her mug and ruminated for some time. "I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know? You have the answer to life's questions."
"I have the answers to questions about things I've gone through myself. I was never stuck in a situation where I had to compete with a man or with anyone for that matter."
"Oh", Quinn pouted.
"This nameless fiancée of yours did not cheat on you. I hope that much is clear though."
"Yeah, I know that."
"So, what's the problem?"
Quinn's eyes widened. "What's the problem? She had sex with him."
"You had sex with me. That didn't stop her asking you for another chance. A little bit of empathy, Quinn. That wasn't easy for Ra—nameless fiancée. Stop glaring at me. I didn't mention her name. Fully."
"That's different."
"How so?"
"Because when we had sex, there wasn't any agreement made by nameless ex-fiancée and me on anything yet."
"Quinn. Correct me if I'm wrong but you told me you guys decided to spend some time apart. That's why you went to England with me and she returned to your hometown. You also told me you gave her permission to find out how she really feels about her ex-fiancée who is really nameless because I don't know who he is."
"Fucking Finn Hudson.", Quinn growled.
"Okay, Fucking Finn Hudson.", the brunette noted. "Are we really serious about the nameless ex-fiancée thing? It wears me out."
"Yes. What was your point?"
"Okay". The brunette sighed heavily at the childishness. "My point is didn't you expect something like that to happen?"
"I don't know what I expected to happen.", Quinn frowned. "Or maybe I do. And this wasn't the outcome I wanted."
"What exactly did you want?"
"That she'd realize it's me she wanted."
"So she's made a decision based on that?"
"No..she was..very apologetic. But when I asked her what that all meant to her, she said it further confused her. I think that's what hurts the most."
Quinn went home from England with the determination of working things out with Rachel. If before, there was a shred of doubt, all of it disappeared. From knowing where she stood in Emily's life to realizing her mistakes borne out of self-reflection, she knew she was ready to take her share of the burden. They didn't see each other immediately for several reasons including the smaller girl's extended stay in Lima a few days after January 1st. So, she was very excited to show an invigorated and extremely optimistic Quinn.
Quinn can't remember the last time she hugged Rachel with such enthusiasm than that moment when she basically lifted the brunette off the floor and twirled her around. "I missed you so much!"
Quinn can't also remember the last time she wanted to drop the brunette on the floor like an abandoned doll than that moment her zest was met with a forced chuckle and a sad smile. She slowly let go of Rachel who balanced herself on her own feet. Quinn nodded then walked inside Rachel's apartment without being invited. The moment of reckoning was about to start.
Rachel's eyes followed Quinn nervously. "How was England?"
The blonde stopped rummaging her bag, looked up and smiled. "She was kind to me", she said before handing Rachel her gifts.
"That's really great.", Rachel smiled back with her arms wrapped around her torso. Her defensive stance. "Would you like some—"
"I would like some honesty with a dash of realism, yes.", Quinn mumbled as she stared into Rachel's eyes with a stoic expression. "What happened in Lima?"
Rachel pressed her palms together near her lips. "I—", she swallowed thickly. "Something happened between Finn and I. We..we.."
Quinn looked to the other side of the room. Their bedroom in particular. "You slept with Finn", she finished with a deadpan expression.
Rachel swiftly walked across and sat down next to Quinn. "Quinn..I don't—"
"Is...this your way of punishing me?"
"P-punishing?"
"Emily. For sleeping with Emily. And choosing to spend the holidays with her."
Rachel shook her head violently. "No, Quinn, no, it's not like that."
"Then.." Quinn massaged her temples and spoke in a soft, lackadaisical way, "tell me..because I don't really get it.." She looked up and tried to look at Rachel but her body seems to be rejecting her will. "I mean..you called me up and..were you already with Finn before that? Or...because you found out I'll be with Emily's family?"
Rachel noticed Quinn's labored breathing. If she wasn't scared of what an angry Quinn can do, she would have told Quinn to lash it out on her because every rise and fall of the blonde's chest was equivalent to a stab in Rachel's heart. But then maybe if Quinn would hurt her again, she deserved it.
"Quinn..you told me to explore my feelings for Finn. And you...you went on to explore other people."
The blonde chuckled sardonically and nodded several times. "I did...I did. But you were the one so adamant about getting back with me, Rachel. Then just because you didn't get what you want right away, you go to plan B. Was I ever your plan A, Rachel?"
"We didn't...we didn't deliberately sought each other out. It just..it just happened."
"Don't..don't give me that crap, Rachel..nothing just happens."
"Okay.." Rachel nodded. "Okay, I'm sorry."
Quinn ran her hand through her hair and exhaled sharply. "So..what now? Are you...are you with him?"
"I..I don't know. It happened so fast. We just..when he kissed me I—"
"I reallydon't want to know the details, Rachel.", Quinn breathed out. "And what do you mean you don't know? You can't..you can't not know"
"I really don't, Quinn.."
The blonde pursed her lips and nodded. "I see..." Quinn stood up and headed towards the door.
"Quinn. Where are you—"
"I'm making the decision for you."
Rachel tried to reach out for Quinn. "Please, please don't leave just yet."
Quinn turned around to face Rachel. "What do you want me to do, Rachel? Fight for you? I've done that for three years. Maybe even longer. I'm tired, Rachel. I'm so tired."
"Quinn, I—", the brunette stood up and walked closer. "Please, just give me time to explain."
"Three minutes. You've got three minutes to tell me everything you want to tell me before I walk out of your life."
Rachel bit her lip as she cried and shook her head. "I don't know what I want, Quinn. I love you, I honestly do. But when he kissed me, something in me stirred and I couldn't stop it. And he wants to give it another try. Please understand, he was all I ever wanted but—"
"He's all you have ever wanted?", Quinn asked in a rather weak voice. "Then I'm letting you go", Quinn whispered, "and let me go, Rachel". She walked out of the apartment without giving Rachel the three minutes she allotted ignoring the brunette's pleas.
"I ran for several hours. And that's how I ended up here last night."
"And literally almost assaulted me." Emily bit her inner cheek to stop herself from laughing as Quinn turned red.
"I—I, I'm.."
Emily cackled. "I was kidding! God, lighten up, will you? I would have thrown you out, Quinn, had I felt violated." She then looked worried. "Don't ever pull that stunt again. Running at 3 in the morning in Manhattan is still very dangerous especially for a woman. You need me? Call me. I have a car. I'll go pick you up."
Quinn's expression turned sour then guilty. But Quinn did feel guilty now that her head's clearer. When Emily opened the door, the blonde stormed inside and pushed Emily against the door before dragging and throwing her on the couch. Okay, so Emily didn't exactly resist. Immediately, anyway; but that was a show of bad manners to say the least.
"What do you plan to do now?"
"I don't know. Uhm..want to have dinner later?"
Emily had one eyebrow raised. "Are you asking me out on a date? I was actually asking about your life plan."
The blonde shrugged. "I'm very free now. So my life plan's going to be based on that. And maybe that could include you."
"Quinn, I thought I—"
"Is being with me that despicable to you?"
"God, Quinn. No. I told you, you're very—extremely—attractive. And trust me, some girl will definitely fall in love you madly. But—"
"Why can't it be you and now?"
"Because your heart just shattered into a million pieces, Quinn."
"So?"
"So?", Emily's eyes were wide open. "So, you need some time to at least get over the initial pang. You don't just jump from one relationship to another. "
"I'm not exactly jumping. It's more like overlapping, isn't it? And we obviously get along, Emily." Quinn waved her hand around them. "This. See how domestic we are?"
"Yes, I can't argue against that."
"And I'm getting to be more relaxed with you."
"I've noticed."
"And my situation with nameless ex-fiancée was pretty much why I sulked the whole time."
"Well, no, not—"
"Okay, so majority of the reason. Point is, Emily, I'm working on my problems. You don't hate my personality, do you? You can't. You can't deny you enjoy my company. We're not pretending to be madly in love with each other. We're two people who find this very convenient. We can actually make this work."
Emily gave her a thoughtful expression. "I can't believe I'm even listening to you. Okay, how about I make a deal?"
"A deal"
"Yes."
"Okay, what is it?"
"Give yourself three months. Nuh-uh", Emily held a finger to shut Quinn up. "Three months, that's all I ask. Don't go out with anyone, including me. And that comprises intimate contact of any form. "
"And then what?"
"Then if you still think that we can make this work, then okay, we'll try."
"Three months?"
"Yes."
"From today?"
Emily rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Fine, starting today. I want you to breathe, Quinn. Find time for yourself and just breathe."
Quinn grinned widely then pecked the other girl's lips. "I have to go. It's inevitable to face Santana, so might as well get it done and over with."
"Right. Good luck. And don't forget to lock the door.", the brunette said as she returned to drinking her coffee and reading the papers.
Quinn was midway out when she paused, turned around and smirked. "See? We're almost like an old couple."
"More like lesbian bed death in the making", Emily mumbled under her breath while Quinn scrambled to get her clothes and leave the apartment.
Emily hoped that three months would be enough for Quinn. Not to come back and start a relationship, but to realize she needs more time for everything. She couldn't flat out deny the girl once again because she could sense that the blonde was nearing her breaking point. The desperation to feel wanted was screaming right out of Quinn's eyes. The girl was battle-weary and she just wanted to find a home.
But Emily also had faith in Quinn. The girl got pregnant and kicked out from her home at such a young age, rejected several times by different people, loved a woman who is apparently stupid enough to let Quinn slip through her hands, and still the blonde remained standing. She will recover. She'll get through this. Emily never doubted that and was quite confident she won't have to lie to Quinn later on. It's just a question of time.
Three months. In those three months, Quinn moved out of Santana's apartment and headed to Riverdale, Bronx (Which prompted Santana to annoy her endlessly with her new 'Quinnie from the block' moniker—which isn't exactly accurate since she chose an affluent neighborhood). So Bronx isn't exactly posh Upper East Side Manhattan but it's where Fordham is. And where Rachel isn't.
She found herself volunteering at the local youth center ran by St. Paul's Evangelical Lutheran church—a known gay affirming Christian community. She wasn't ready to go back and open the bible just yet, but she found a good place to start if and when she decided to. She mostly taught kids who were victims of child abuse how to draw and paint—a hobby she had left behind in Ohio.
Santana visited her almost once a week (Quinn had been consciously avoiding Manhattan as much as she can). Of course the Latina would never admit to missing her, and would constantly complain about having to drive all the way, but she never failed at showing up like clockwork. Their roles had been reversed. There was a time when Quinn had to take care of Santana, make sure she had eaten and that she was overall okay. Now it was the Latina's turn to bring her weekly Aunty Tana's casserole and check on Quinn every night. Quinn came to fully appreciate her friendship with her former rival, not to mention the amusing thought it brings that the one constant in her life is someone she used to call Satan.
On the first month she cried a lot. She cried until nothing came out anymore. She changed her cellphone number, email, and (finally) deleted her facebook account.
On the second month, she started gaining some weight that she lost and decided to quit smoking. Again. She became more committed to running and get back the abs she lost many moons ago (she had stopped blaming Puck but despite Rachel declaring her belly as the brunette's favoritest thing in the world, she was yet to recover the glory that was once Head Cheerio Quinn Fabray's body).
On the third month she faced one major thing that she had managed to avoid while living in Manhattan. With the go signal from her therapist and anger management supervisor, she took driving lessons and reapplied for her license.
Three months. She was feeling good about herself for the first time in a long while.
Three became four. She called Emily and thanked her. They had dinner, as friends, before Emily flew to Ireland and spend the summer with her son. There was slight embarrassment in facing the older woman given her proposition months before. But all is good in the British front. She lost a potential lover but gained a sister (she's been trying to block out the gross implication of that).
Four became five. She decided it's time to meet new people. She started with group dates. It was fun and brought very little expectations. Enough time to get to know each other without the burden of promise.
And that's when she got a voice mail from Rachel. She briefly wondered how the brunette found her new cellphone number when Santana had vowed never to talk to the diva again. She had no time to think of conspiracy theories though, because what interested her more was the content.
Hey, Quinn. This is Rachel. Uhm, Rachel Berry. And I'm, uhm, I'm calling to, uh, invite you to a play? I went to audition for The Acting Company and I got in their summer production of Clytemnestra. I'm not, I'm not the lead but I'm part of the chorus, which is really good exposure for me. We'll be staging it at Baruch. Well, you know that they always stage at Baruch since you took me to some of their productions before. Uhm, anyway, yeah, I...I hope to see you there. Please? It would really mean so much for me. Okay. I've said a lot. I'm sorry. I hope you're doing fine. Bye.
Well, fuck.
A/N: Next chapter will be Rachel-centric. So yes, Finn would be there. I don't advocate violence, so please, try not to kill me. Also, you're of course free to disagree with me, but please do not expect me to portray Finn as an all out douchebag. He is merely incidental in all of this and regardless of how I feel about him in the show, in this fic, it all boils down to Rachel's decision.