So tell me there's nothing in the world
That could ever come between us
Show me you're not afraid tonight
Baby, make me believe
-Nothing in the world
"Britts, no, seriously. Her name is not Britt, too. Her name is Emily. She's British.", Santana laughed with her hands raised in front of her chest. "Quinn! You bitch! This is your fault!"
Quinn hid herself behind Puck and laughed loudly with her forehead resting against his back. "I didn't do anything!"
"Yes, you did. You told me she's Britt. And all the while I thought her name was also Britt! So when I called up Santana's apartment and she was the one who answered, I said 'hey Brittany number two!" and she just chuckled and told me she stepped out for awhile." , Brittany nodded solemnly with a pout.
Santana looked half horrified, half amused. "You called her Brittany number two?"
"I thought it was funny", Quinn said with her head peeping through Puck's shoulder, who just kept shaking his head in amusement.
"So, where's Brittany junior? Why isn't she here?"
"Oh my god, Britts. Don't call her that. That makes things so weird." Santana was at the point of clutching her stomach. "She's…she's in England", the Latina said in between fits of giggles. "with her family."
"Yeah, because she's, you know, Brit!", Quinn interjected in between her own chuckles.
"Shut up, Q!"
"You can't make me, S!"
Brittany looked to Puck who just shrugged. "These two, how much have vodka did they have so far?"
"I have no idea", the Jewish boy chuckled.
Quinn was tipsy, Rachel noted while she sat in between Mike and Tina, silently observing the blonde's demeanor. She wasn't flirting with Puck, but Rachel still felt wary. Puck made it very clear in the past that he definitely still had feelings for Quinn and the brunette didn't want the blonde to end up in a very familiar scenario that involved wine coolers, insecurities and opportunism.
She saw Finn glance at her from the opposite side of the Lopez's living room with Sam and Artie and raised his glass of wine at her. She reciprocated the action. Both snapped towards the direction of the Unholy Trinity when they heard Quinn squeal while being carried by Puck towards the couch and plopped her in between Santana and Brittany.
The Latina gave him a high five before he walked away and grabbed another beer then headed towards the boys' direction.
Finn looked back at Rachel and gave quirked his eyebrows.
Good question, Finn. Good question.
And the answer is, she had no idea.
It's as if Quinn didn't know her at all.
After that wonderful trip to Beacon, Quinn once again dropped out of Rachel's radar, limiting their interaction to a few texts a day. This confused the diva. She thought they were making progress. She thought she was making progress with Quinn.
It got worse in Lima. Quinn didn't even try to contact her until they saw each other here at Santana's home for the annual Glee get together. What happened next hurt Rachel the most: Quinn gave her a shy smile, mumbled happy holidays and walked straight towards the buffet table.
She promised to do everything she can to make amends. That didn't mean she could just keep taking well-deserved blows without respite. She needed to back off for the night. Quinn was having fun and the last thing she wanted was to ruin it by pulling the blonde away and inquire what happened that changed everything again.
She avoided talking to Finn all night out of respect for Quinn. And while she enjoyed Tina, Mike and Mercedes' company, she was starting to be a dull companion with very little participation in the conversation. She didn't want to be the girl who ruined people's festive mood, so she thought of excusing herself.
Rachel was in the midst of another stealth-mode escape when Santana noticed her and called out. "And where do you think you're going, Broadway?"
Well, so much for a Ninja-esque flight. She felt everyone's attention snap towards her direction. Including Quinn whose eyebrows were furrowed.
Rachel's eyes were wide, and her guilty expression was probably apparent. "I, uhm, I'm not feeling well. Splitting headache.", she nodded sagely.
The Latina stood up. "I've got medicine for that. Follow me"
"Thanks, but I would really like to rest. I—" Rachel sighed when Santana glared at her and wiggled her finger, motioning the smaller brunette to follow her.
"Have you taken any alcoholic drink yet?"
"No"
"Good." Santana handed Rachel a medicine bottle that she took out from the bathroom. "Take two right away. That should make your headache go away."
Rachel nodded. "Thanks"
"Since you're not planning on drinking, can you make sure Quinn gets home safe?"
"I'm not sure if—"
"Yes or no. She can sleep here if you can't drive her back."
"It's best that she stays here."
The Latina raised her eyebrow but Rachel was equally determined not to deal with Quinn's behavior, especially tonight's, so she stared back defiantly without (she hoped) an ounce of emotion present.
"Alright", Santana nodded then left Rachel at the kitchen.
She was left with a bottle of medicine she has no use for. Chewing her lip, she stared at the label and shook her head.
"Are you alright?"
Rachel looked up. "Quinn. Yeah, I'm fine."
"Have you taken the meds already?"
"Yes"
Quinn's eyes were everywhere except the brunette. "Do you want to lie down for a bit? I can ask Santana to—"
"No, it's alright. Thank you, but I'll feel better in awhile.", Rachel said with a small smile. She slowly walked and tried to pass through Quinn when she felt the blonde's hand gently hold her wrist. "I can lie down with you", the blonde smirked as she leaned closer and tucked some strand of hair under Rachel's ear.
The diva furrowed her brows at the smell of alcohol on the other girl's breath. "It's okay, Quinn. Let's just go back inside." She tried to leave, once again, when the diva felt Quinn's arms wrap around her waist from the back.
"Quinn", Rachel breathed out while lightly trying to pry herself free. The diva felt Quinn's lips move dangerously close to her ear and whispered, "You don't understand, Rach. I want to lay down in bed with you"
Okay, enough being gently. She pushed down Quinn's hands and turned around. "Quinn, you're drunk."
The blonde scoffed and gave her a cocky smile. "I'm not. I promise I'll remember everything tomorrow", she said with a wink.
The singer pressed her lips together and looked away. "We can't, Quinn."
The blonde's jaw tensed. "Why not?"
"Because we're trying to be friends?"
The taller girl stepped forward and held Rachel's hips. "We can be friends and you know, have fun"
"I'm not the new Emily, or any other casual encounters you've had so far, Quinn."
Quinn scowled then glared at Rachel. "No, you're not. They were a lot more honest with me than you've ever been.", she snapped.
The brunette's breath hitched.
Quinn instantly sobered up.
Rachel closed her eyes and started counting in her head. "Quinn, I don't want to ruin the night for you, so if you could just please let me get back inside… that would be most ideal for both of us."
"Rachel..", Quinn swallowed. "I didn't—"
"It's fine, Quinn", Rachel quirked the corner of her lips upwards then touched the taller girl's arm before returning to the table with her original company.
Quinn walked back in the room, with a mixture of trepidation and guilt written all over her face. She gazed at Rachel's direction but the brunette's focus was firmly focused on Tina, occasionally nodding and chuckling softly.
She sulked on the couch next to Santana who kept giving her a curious glance. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing", Quinn mumbled while rubbing her forehead.
"Whatever screw up you did this time, fix it and stop moping next to me. It's annoying to say the least."
"What makes you think I did something?"
"Q, really? You're asking me? She didn't even want to drive you back home. For someone who had been scrambling to receive your absolution, she sure wasn't too enthusiastic about doing you a favor."
Quinn looked away and sighed.
"I'm seriously tired of being the referee and spectator in this epic ping-pong match you have with her."
The blonde nodded then pushed herself to stand up. She staggered towards the table where Rachel was sitting and forced at smile at everyone else. "Rach, can we..", she raised her arm and pointed to the stairs using her thumb.
Mike smirked then Mercedes cleared her throat. "Quinn, subtlety is still in fashion, you know?", she giggled.
Quinn's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Nothing like that." , she nervously chuckled. She glanced at Rachel hoping that the other girl would understand and follow her without much resistance. "I just, uhm, Rach?"
The brunette furrowed her brows but nodded then stood up, allowing Quinn to guide them upstairs. She didn't say a word until they have reached the second floor. She slightly twisted her arm as a signal for the blonde to let go of her wrist and took a step back. "Quinn, I told you—"
"We're not—I'm not", the blonde shook her head and looked at the other girl apologetically.
"Then why are we here?"
"Because we need to talk."
Rachel breathed deeply. "Okay, lead the way."
Quinn's heart ached at the brunette's morose expression and resigned tone. "Uhm, here, Santana's room." She stopped walking and looked back at Rachel who kept still in her position. "I promise, it's not what you think.", she mumbled with pleading eyes.
The blonde opened the door and led Rachel in. The diva didn't have time to survey the new environment because Quinn grabbed the comforter on the Latina's bed then lifted the huge double hung window. "It's nice out here. Come on. "
"Quinn, I don't think that's such a good idea.", Rachel said as she rushed to pull back the blonde whose upper body was already on the other side. "You've been drinking. You could fall. Stop that"
"Rachel, take a look, will you?"
The brunette hesitantly stepped forward and craned her neck. "Oh. An observation deck-like roof."
"Not much to observe, but yeah. No one's falling tonight.", the blonde said as she attempted to step out for the second time with success. She extended her hand back for Rachel to hold as the small diva followed and sat down next to the blonde who immediately wrapped them both with the comforter.
Quinn's body was like magnet to Rachel. She found herself leaning against the blonde and felt the other girl's arm drape around her shoulder.
It hurt. She couldn't understand why Quinn is being once again affectionate. Quinn isn't just her addiction, but also her source of affliction. It's akin to taking a drug that got you so high only to find yourself on withdrawal.
It hurt.
But it felt so good.
They were cuddled up for a few minutes, basking in each other's warmth before Quinn spoke up. "Rachel…I'm really sorry about earlier."
Rachel smiled despondently. "There's no need to apologize for saying the truth, Quinn. Although, I have been wondering what I've done wrong because you've just been avoiding me since our trip to Beacon. What did I do?"
"Nothing."
The brunette looked down and nodded. "Okay", she whispered.
Quinn stayed silent, expecting Rachel to say more. She frowned and felt confused at how Rachel just seemed to have accepted her answer as is. The old Rachel would have hounded her until she was satisfied in knowing that Quinn had opened up, albeit forcefully.
It felt new.
And it should have felt liberating.
But it just felt so wrong.
The blonde felt lumps forming on her throat which caused her to forcefully swallow. She still waited. But the longer she waited, the more she felt her throat constrict at Rachel's silence. "Please say something, Rach", she whispered desperately.
The brunette finally looked up and pressed her lips together. "I don't know what to tell you, Quinn. You said I didn't do anything wrong. Then I would have to accept that."
"Why?"
"Because no matter how much I'm hurting right now, it's nothing compared to what you've gone through because of me. I don't have the right to insist on anything."
"I'm so scared, Rachel. I thought I could just be nonchalant about everything. But when we were in Beacon, and you took up in that balloon, I just wanted to be so near you. And it scared me. I know I've been avoiding you. I don't have an excuse for ignoring you. I was wrong. It's just…I'm petrified with what my feelings can do."
"I know... That's why I let you run away from me whenever you want to and just", Rachel let out a shaky breath. "… wait whenever you're ready to come back. Like for the past couple of months."
"Is that how it's supposed to be?"
"I don't know, Quinn. I'm just trying to figure this out as much as you do. All I know is that I've hurt you so much and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I want to be there for you as a friend and—"
"Friend?" Quinn said desolately. "You've been saying that so many times already. Is that all you want out of this?"
"I thought it was the best I can give you without running the risk of hurting you anymore", Rachel whispered with her brows deeply furrowed. She chuckled dryly then wiped her eyes using her thumb. "But I guess, even with that, I just screw up badly, huh?"
"It wasn't that bad, Rachel. It wasn't."
"Yes, it was, Quinn", she sobbed. "Maybe not for me, but..", she looked up and bit her lip with her eyes blinking rapidly. "You gave your everything to me, and what did I give in return?"
"I felt loved, Rachel."
"I approximated love, Quinn. I was the best you've ever had given your parents and ex-boyfriends", Rachel said through gritted teeth. "You deserve better, it's just that you don't know it, yet."
The blonde felt a cold shiver run down her spine. It felt like they were back to square one. Or a step higher. Friends. She could barely the time when they were just friends.
Simply because that stage was never really there in its purest form.
They were rivals. Team mates. By the time Quinn offered her hand for friendship, it was because she realized she was in love with Rachel, but there wasn't any chance of anything else.
She never wanted to be friends with Rachel Berry.
She still didn't.
That's why she had been running away. Rachel made her feel; the others allowed her to just escape.
She was still punishing Rachel for something the diva had no fault at all.
Because this wasn't about Finn anymore, or doubting whether the small brunette— crying in her arms that moment—loved her or not.
She was punishing Rachel for being Rachel.
"I don't want us to just be friends, Rach"
Quinn felt the diva's head nod and mumble a stifled "okay".
"Please, say something more than okay, Rachel. Am I forcing you again into this?"
Rachel violently shook her head then stared into hazel eyes. "You've never forced me into anything, Quinn. Never. I just…I don't know where to begin, anymore."
She knew where, at least for selfish reasons. So she had to ask. "How do you feel about me?"
The diva smiled softly. "It depends on what level you are referring to."
"What do you mean?"
"On the surface? I don't think I've ever gotten over my crush on your face. It's everything that is beautiful to me. Like..", the brunette said while touching Quinn's cheek. "..like how an 8th grader would feel when the object of their affection passes by and you can't just help but stare at her. And the more you stare at her, the prettier she becomes in your eyes."
Quinn pressed her lips together with her eyes firmly focused on the pattern of the comforter.
"On a more physical level, I'm not the most experienced person on the planet, but I've had my fair share of kisses. And I can say with so much certainty that you're the best kisser. Ever. I don't think I've ever told you that before. But you are."
The blonde looked up and stared at Rachel skeptically.
"I melt, Quinn. Because you just…I don't know exactly what it is you do with your tongue, but yes, it's..", Rachel paused then bit her lower lip in embarrassment. "I'm…uhm, moving on to another level."
Quinn nodded dumbly with her cheeks visibly red. "Yeah, okay."
"On a much deeper level, I sometimes feel conflicted because I get so insecure about my flaws especially when I compare myself to you. But at the same time, you're also the one that pacifies me. When you tell me I will make it, I believe you. It's taking me some time, but I'm getting there—to believe that I am beautiful in your eyes."
The blonde smiled a bit at this. "On the deepest?"
"On the deepest level, I feel that you would give me the world if I ask you to. You just make me feel so…loved, Quinn. I know the full realization happened too late, but please don't think I wasn't even vaguely aware of it before. I feel like my heart is about to explode with this strong desire to make you feel the same."
Quinn fought back the urge to smile widely. "So you sort of love me."
The diva moved her head from side to side. "Yeah…I guess you could say that."
"And I'm the best kisser? Ever?"
"And you choose to focus on that information."
"It's very important to me."
"Because?"
"Because…this." Quinn cupped the back of the brunette's neck, dipped her head a bit and kissed Rachel, slowly and tentatively at first until she felt the diva recover from the shock and started kissing her back.
A/N:
TeirAnazazi- spam all you want. It's the closest thing I get to a conversation with the readers of this fic. :-)
Of course we are nearing the end. A few more chapters and we can close this book :-)