MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL
NARRATOR: Ms. Lily Evans
SUMMARY: It's the start of 7th year and things are beginning to spiral out of Lily's control. Follow her day-to-day adventures in this multi-chaptered fic about love, hate, and the many aspects of a 17-year-old witch's life.
RATING: T, for language, some visual imagery, and attempted humor.
Disclaimer: Oh, alas. I had a dream of Hogwarts last night! I was casting a banishing spell on a book because I was too lazy to walk and return it to the library. Too bad I don't own Harry Potter.
Hey! I'm back again.
So, yeah. I have a lot of ideas since I've let this story go, and I'm going to try to get them to fanfiction as quickly as possible. This chapter, for all intents and purposes, is a bit of a laugh and a break from all that dramastical (yes, I did mean to spell it that way) stuff I've dished out lately. So this chapter's got no plot, it's just funny.
Yay for pointlessness! Read on, my dears.
Another bad day.
I could feel it brewing in my bones – it was to be expected, of course. I had to have bad days on Monday. It was like the law of the universe. Or my universe, at the least.
My alarm clock startled me awake, obnoxiously blaring in my ears, whistling a wandering tune –
Wait. My alarm clock didn't whistle.
It was Jameswhisting. In the shower. Loud and clear, his whistling defied the soundproof walls of Hogwarts, ringing clearly in my ears. I desperately tried clinging to my sanity by shoving my pillow over my head but it was to no avail.
Glancing over to the clock on my bedside table I received quite a shock. It was a jarring 4:30 a.m., the ungodliest of the ungodly hours, and I nearly screamed in frustration. Whistling? At the break of dawn? Ruining my well-deserved, extremely necessarysleep?
Potter would pay.
Damned whistling.
I stormed violently out of my dormitory and rapped loudly on the bathroom door.
"You better stuff it, Potter! Or I swear, you're not getting out of that bathroom any time soon." A plan was already formulating in my head, and I grinned wickedly to myself.
"I do believe I hear my lovely Lily calling to me," Potter sang, his words graced with an unlawful morning cheer. "I'm coming, my darling!"
Before he could make it out of the bathroom, I took out my wand with a flourish and locked the door from the outside.
I smirked to myself as I saw the doorknob rattling as Potter repeatedly tried to open it, and then the shaking of the door itself as he tried to shove it open.
"Lily?" He called. "Hey, Lily!"
I smiled giddily.
"Evans! I'm locked in!"
"I believe you are, Potter," I giggled.
"Damnit, woman! You can't do this to me," James cried, pounding on the door. The windowpanes rattled, but his efforts were in vain.
"Oh, but I can, James," I countered with the air of a lecturing professor who'd just proved his colleague wrong. "You see, certain punishments are well-deserved if one finds themselves woken up at bloody 4:30 a.m. on a day that is doomed. You see, your whistling has doomed me. So, the way I see it, it's only fair that I doom you in return by locking you in this bathroom for, say, the rest of the day."
"Lily! I don't have my wand!"
"Then you're not getting out. You woke me up, I lock you in."
"Honestly? I was just whistling, no harm done – " he pleaded.
"Say that to my measly 4 hours of sleep!" I shrieked nearly hysterically. I did not manage ungodly morning hours very well.
"Calm down, Flower. I'm sure there's a way we can sort this out without resorting to desperate measures," James said, trying to maintain some sort of control in this ridiculous situation.
"In case you haven't noticed, I already haveresorted to desperate measures. You're locked in the bathroom."
"Oh, I've noticed that," James said dryly. "Could you please let me out?"
"No."
"And why not?"
"Because you woke me up at fucking 4 am."
"Is that all? Because, really, I don't think you want me in here for that long," James replied.
"What? Why?" I was very confused. I could hear James scrambling around the bathroom, crossing it, and opening up a cabinet.
He shouted through the door, "Well, seeing as this is a sharedbathroom, perhaps I could just go and use your lovely – " - he paused for a moment, as if to read something aloud- "- 'Lily Nectarine Bliss Body Wash', or perhaps the 'Honeysuckle Exfoliating Face Scrub' – "
How. DARE. HE!
I gasped in horror. "Potter! Put my stuff down, NOW!"
"Not until you let me out of the bathroom," James said calmly in reply. "And there's always the 'Raspberry Rain Shaving Gel' or the 'Peach Blossom Body Lotion'. Merlin, Evans, how many frilly products do you need?"
"Would you rather I smell like you do?" I retorted.
"You mean the smell of manliness?" James boasted.
"If manliness is a mixture of stale sweat and dust, then yes," I lied. James actually smelled quite nice, a bit like pine, mint, and a wonderfully delicious hint of spice...
"You lie," James declared, seemingly reading my mind. "It's Peter that smells like stale sweat, and Remus that smells like dust, because of those books he always surrounds himself with. Now, what is this?" James asked, genuinely curious as he continued to peruse my part of the bathroom. "It's a box, and inside it looks like…a little plastic tube? With a string –, Evans, why the hell do you have this contraption? "
Oh, dear God, no.
"NO!" I cried, absolutely mortified. "Don't – "
"Tampons? What are…oh," James trailed off as he realized what he was holding. There was a soft thumpas the box fell to the floor, and a heavy silence settled upon us.
After a few seconds, James squeaked, "Could you please unlock the door?"
I wordlessly performed the charm and he sped out of the bathroom as quickly as possible. I was so embarrassed I didn't even pay attention to the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt, and that his hair was tousled and glistening from his shower.
Oh, bollocks. Maybe I did pay attention to that. But my face was as red as a fire truck as I glanced down at the box of tampons, lying so innocently on the bathroom carpet.
"What happened?" Sirius said at breakfast, glancing between James and I. We had eaten in silence for the entire duration of the meal so far. "Lover's quarrel?"
"More like a mountain of embarrassment that brought down an avalanche of mortification," I muttered.
"Nice analogy," James said appreciatively from across the table.
"Oh, do shut up."
"So there wasa lover's quarrel," Sirius cried, jumping giddily in his seat.
"Stop, you're shaking the table," I replied, shooting him a steady glare that he pointedly ignored.
"Never mind that," Sirius said excitedly. "What did he do? Did ickle little Jamesie finally get further than his wishful fantasies about you?"
"…that don't exist," James growled, also glaring at Sirius.
I rolled my eyes. "Shut your trap, Sirius."
"You should very well know, Evans," Sirius continued pompously, "that James has been quite frustrated lately. See how he's gripping his fork? It's all the pent-up frustration there, just being taken out on that poor eating utensil."
I glanced at James. He was still glaring murderously at Sirius, but I could clearly see Black had a point - the fork was just about to bend from the pressure of James's obviously tense grip.
"I see what you're talking about, Sirius," I agreed, deciding to play along with his charade. James sent me a look of deep offense.
"And furthermore, Lil-ums," Sirius said, shoveling an omelette in his mouth before swallowing dramatically, "it's a special kind of frustration, too."
James raised an eyebrow.
"Sexual frustration?" I smirked.
"Certainly, my friend!" Sirius cried out in glee. "And guess who must remedy that?" He raised his eyebrows insinuatively towards me.
"Well, himself, of course," I smiled charmingly before turning to my pancakes.
Sirius laughed appreciatively. "Of course, my dear wanker Prongsy-poo here," he cried affectionately, before snatching James and tousling his already mussed hair.
"Sirius, geroff, I mean it, or merlin help me I'll - "
"Do be quiet, James dear," I said, elegantly sipping at my morning's pumpkin juice. "This is quite entertaining. I'm enjoying these antics here."
James sent me another look of deep loathing. "Well, don't you have some nerve after locking me in a bathroom all morning - "
"Well deserved! And you looked through my stuff!" I retaliated quickly. Sirius was watching us with a satisfied smirk.
"Oh, just stop grinning and eat your bacon," I snarled at Sirius, and he pouted in return.
"No," Sirius countered childishly. "Actually, I was just going to relay something to Prongsy here."
James, a bit roughed up and peeved, looked up from his toast and quirked an eyebrow at Sirius, prompting him to continue.
"So," Sirius announced quite loudly, his voice echoing down the table, "even if you didn't get far with Lily last night, I've got quite a bit to tell you about Marlene – "
I heard a small gasp and out of the corner of my eye I saw Miranda's shell-shocked expression.
"-got to second base, almost made it to third if we hadn't been caught by McGonagall," Sirius continued, still shouting. James seemed quite alarmed, before realization dawned on him. He frowned. Sirius had obviously told him about his master plan on Manipulating Miranda's Emotions Via Marlene.
A surge of anger filled me and I lashed out at the undeserving bastard before me.
"No one gives a flaming fuck about your latest escapades," I bit back at Sirius defensively.
For no reason that I knew, I felt guilty and angry for Sirius's actions. However, moments later, one look at Miranda's devastated face told me that I knew exactly why.
I needed Miranda's friendship back. And seeing her sadness was just as upsetting, if not more so than it had been when we'd been on good terms.
Meanwhile, James and Sirius were discussing more important matters.
"A flaming fuck? Can you imagine?"
Oh, dear merlin. I was regretting ever saying the phrase to begin with.
"It's impossible, you'd just burn up while you're doing it – "
"Well, yeah, but there are countercharms for that, right? I mean, there's the whole witch burnings way back when, they cast charms that made the fire null and void – "
"Yeah, you're right. I also distinctly remember the textbook saying that it resulted in a pleasant, tickling sensation."
"Now thatwould really add to the experience of it all, that would – "
"Are you talking about a flaming fuck?" I sighed reservedly.
James and Sirius glanced at each other, and then turned to me. "Duh," they said in unison.
"Don't you agree with me, Lily? I mean, think about it – the pleasure of a partner, in addition to a soft stroking along your sides from the fire – " Sirius smirked, adding vague and disturbing hand motions to follow his words.
"Stop, Padfoot," James said, looking slightly pained. I raised an eyebrow, and he blushed.
"Right, frustrations, sorry," Sirius quipped.
I decided to partake in their conversation, thinking to myself, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
"Well personally," I started, "a flaming fuck, while it sounds fun, is a little too much trouble. I mean, there'll already be the heat of the moment, why just add more heat to that?"
"There's never enough heat, Lily," Sirius replied…seriously.
"I disagree," I said. "There's such thing as too much of a good thing."
"I believe I've heard you say that before," James piped up.
"You probably have," I smiled. "Now, a flaming fuck is one thing, but what about a flying fuck?"
The conversation paused for a moment while James pondered this, but Sirius interrupted his thoughts as he stated, "Oh, been there, done that."
I gaped at him. James was quick to follow.
"What?" he cried defensively. "I wanted to be experimental."
I cringed. "Well, then, Sirius, please spare us the details."
"How would youthink a flying fuck would feel like, then, Evans?" Sirius questioned.
I thought on this for a moment, and James watched me carefully as I mulled this over in my head. "It would be quite fun," I decided, and both James and Sirius's eyebrows shot up a mile, disappearing underneath their fringes.
"Fun?" James gasped.
"Well, yeah," I said, a bit confused. "There's the whole thing of being in the air. If you just floated there and did the deed, I think it'd be quite interesting. You know, no holds barred or anything, no restraints, just the feeling of the moment right then and there…"
James made a small noise.
"Right, frustrations, sorry," I apologized quickly, turning to my breakfast and stuffing the contents of my plate into my mouth.
Next chapter coming up soon. It'll contain a bit of bad luck, the return of the mischievously mean Sirius and James, and a sincere apology.
Read, review, you know it.
-.x.