MY LIFE IN A NUTSHELL
NARRATOR: Ms. Lily Evans
SUMMARY: It's the start of 7th year and things are beginning to spiral out of Lily's control. Follow her day-to-day adventures in this multi-chaptered fic about love, hate, and the many aspects of a 17-year-old witch's life.
RATING: T, for language, some visual imagery, and attempted humor.
Disclaimer: Never, no, never! and, by the way, "glitter is herpes" belongs to the magical Mr. Demetri Martin.
Oops...I meant to do that.
I'm reposting this chapter as a new chapter so people know that I've updated with the latest. I think I'm going to delete the repeat chapter so it won't confuse others.
Sorry about the mixup! Please forgive!
Miranda and I were lounging by the Gryffindor common room fireplace, stretched out across the sofa and successfully taking up all the space. People were either too afraid of us or too lazy to ask us to get up, so the rest of Gryffindor house settled along the uncomfortable wooden chairs and tables, some even going as far as sitting on the ground when seating became scarce.
"Why do you think they do this?" Miranda asked me amusedly as a sixth year shot us a good glare before sitting down on the worn carpet.
"Because of you," I replied easily. "What are you staring at?" I called as yet another student pointedly looked our way.
"You're taking up the couch," he stated matter-of-factly.
"Why, yes I am," I answered.
"Well, could you possibly move?" the fifth year pressed on.
"Respect your betters," Miranda admonished. "She's Head Girl, you know."
"You're exploiting your position," the fifth year cried.
"Not like you haven't done so. I see you during the prefect meetings," I countered, scrutinizing him with a careful gaze. He almost withered under my glower. "You and Katie Moffit make a habit of snogging in the corner of the room when you think Potter and I don't notice. We've been kind enough to not call you out on it, so please, give me a break. Let me sit where I please."
The fifth year left for the boy's dormitory with a decidedly disgruntled look on his reddened face.
Miranda cackled wickedly. "That was brill, Lily. I don't think they're afraid of me – you make threats as if you're actually going to carry them out."
"I love me some blackmail," I relished. At that moment Alice and Marlene entered the portrait hole, looking worried and a bit anxious. Upon seeing me and Miranda sprawled over the Gryffindor sofa their anxiety was immediately replaced with confusion and a bit of suspicion.
"Hey – Miranda," Alice said hesitantly. Marlene made a small noise in the back of her throat.
There was an awkward pause, and silence fell over the entire Gryffindor common room, punctuated by a crash as a student, previously precariously sitting on the edge of an armchair, tumbled to the floor.
Miranda leapt up from the couch and the room slowly began to grow back to its usual decibel level, people watching us carefully out of the corners of their eyes. I immediately took Miranda's place with my legs. She wouldn't be getting that spot back. Ever.
"Alice, Marlene," Miranda began a bit desperately, looking from one emotionless face to the other. "I've already gone over everything with Lily, but you guys deserve an explanation, too."
"You bet your skinny arse we do," Marlene sniffed haughtily.
"It may be skinny, but it's still quite fine – " started a sixth year from the staircase.
Whoa, talk about déjà vu.
Marlene and Miranda once again simultaneously cast silencios, but I quickly shouted "Protego!" before the spells could reach their intended target.
"We don't want glitter in the common room!" I shouted at Miranda and Marlene.
"What?" Alice asked me, giving me the you-are-most-definitely-out-of-your-mind stare.
"Glitter," I explained. "The herpes of the arts and crafts world?"
This time my statement was followed by an indignant "what?" from all three of my friends.
"Never you mind, no one understands my brilliance," I whined childishly, collapsing back on the couch. Alice, Marlene, and Miranda settled on the floor in front of me.
"Alice, Marlene," Miranda started off cautiously, "I never meant to betray any one of us. I thought that our lives would be better off without the...bothersome, irritable, soul-sucking - "
"Get back to the point," I barked from my position in a bored tone.
"Well, you know. The Marauders. I thought that by siding with Eva's plan we'd be able to get rid of them for once and for all," Miranda finished uncertainly.
"Eva's plan? You mean that idiotic bet between her and Lily about James?" Marlene snorted.
"Why didn't you tell us this, then? We could've talked about it," Alice argued. "We could've sorted things out before completely messing them up."
"We're friends, Miranda. That's what friends do," Marlene agreed icily.
"I don't know! I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to solve all of our problems, the issues with Eva and Jane, the troubles with Potter and Black, it just…at the time I couldn't tell you. I couldn't even tell myself what I was doing," Miranda finished ashamedly.
"Well." Marlene bit her lip.
"But then I got way in over my head," Miranda said. "They're messed up, they really are – every minute of their lives is hostile gossip, shallow reflection, just the worst pile of shit you could ever imagine. I got sick of it."
"Serves you right," Marlene said self-righteously, "for ever associating with those two clods – oof!"
Miranda had thrown herself at Marlene in a rib-crushing bear hug.
"FORGIVE ME!" she wailed. "FORGIVE ME, PLEASE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'D I DO IF YOU DIDN'T – "
"Oh, shut your face, silly," Marlene soothed. "Of course I forgive you."
And that was that.
It was amazing, in retrospect, how we all got over the matters so quickly. But I guess we were holding out for Miranda forever, and we knew something wasn't right in her mind when she joined Eva and Jane's living nightmare. It felt settled to have our group back in place, everyone's mind at ease, guilt free, apologies taken and actions forgiven in words and expressions.
If only life was always this easy, this natural.
I was about to ruin the happy resolution by sing-song-ing "Diggorryyyy" to our refreshed company, but I was interrupted before I could even so much as get the first syllable from my lips.
"Now, what did you mean by glitter being herpes?" Alice asked me inquisitively.
"Erm – "
"Herpes? Oh, that STD is a devilish little blighter," James said, interrupting our conversation as he entered through the portrait hole with Sirius and Remus.
"You would know," I remarked.
Remus gave us a casual wave and settled on the floor. Sirius, taking one look at Miranda and Marlene side-by-side, widened his eyes and fled immediately to the boys' dormitory.
It was quite hilarious. He tripped over three tables and two people before flailing his way up the stairs.
"Wonder what's gotten into him," Marlene commented, voice strained. Miranda glared at her.
"Back to the point," Alice interrupted before things could get worse. "Why is glitter herpes?"
"Glitter, the herpes of arts and crafts," I proclaimed, waving my arms around authoritatively. Or stupidly. There was a fine line between the two.
"And why would that be?" Potter said, lifting my legs and sitting on the couch before resettling my legs on his lap.
"Meh," I said, righting myself again and scooting as far from Potter as possible. He rolled his eyes.
"You wouldn't budge up," he explained, and it was my turn to roll my eyes. "Glitter? Herpes?" he prompted.
"They're herpes because they never come off," I said. "Seriously, once there's glitter, there's always glitter."
"That sort of sucks," James commented.
"That could come in handy, though," Miranda mentioned thoughtfully. "If you really wanted to annoy someone, that is."
"Don't give him any ideas," Remus warned Miranda, but James's face had already lit up with excitement.
"Hey, you shouldn't be concentrating on pranks, James," Alice said. "The quidditch game's coming up in less than two weeks."
"The team's fine," James assured her, but Marlene shook her head.
"You've got to be kidding me," Marlene argued. "MacDonald's been in a terrible state lately, she just broke up with Finn Wiley yesterday. When's the last time you had practice?"
"Two days ago," James said, now a bit worried. "The two did seem on edge."
"Well, now they're gonna be off the edge," I warned. "You might want to get some counseling for the two. They've refused to even so much as look at each other for the entire day."
"Since when did you care about quidditch, Evans?" James said teasingly.
"Since the Holyhead Harpies beat Puddlemere United last fall," I rattled off. "The wronski feint that Rhea Hawksmith pulled was quite something, and the chasers were at their absolute best. I'd never seen a better play before. It was almost like their hands were magnetized to the quaffle, and they knew exactly how to get past Puddlemere's keeper."
James gaped at me while Remus rolled his eyes and Marlene, Miranda, and Alice smiled smugly.
"What? Why are you staring at me like that?" I asked uncomfortably.
"You…you follow quidditch?" James gasped, amazed.
"Well, of course I do, you idiot," I responded, flushed slightly. "I love the sport."
James's expression was now positively euphoric.
"Oh, marry me now, Evans, before I explode with love!" James cried.
"I'll take a rain check on that one," I responded dryly.
"But…I thought you always hated quidditch!" James gawked, still surprised, that silly grin plastered on his face. It looked slightly…cute.
What? Just being honest here.
"I just hated quidditch players," I corrected him, sending him a pointed stare.
"That's besides the point!" James hollered, catching the attention of the entire common room. "That's – you're – I LOVE you, Lily!" James shouted at last, snatching me off the couch and swinging me around in the air.
"James – Potter, put me down! I swear – "
"Aw, look at them," Marlene sighed happily. "What a pair."
"That is if they don't kill themselves or each other first," Remus muttered appreciatively.
It was moments before dinner, and trouble was brewing.
"Do you have the bucket?"
"Yeah, it's right…here."
"Good. Engorgio."
There was the sound of air being sucked into a vacuum and a metallic twang.
"Excellent, that should do it."
"Did you get the glue?"
"Mister Masque's Finest Ultra-Stick Adhesive. Got it from Dervish and Banges over the summer in case the need ever arose."
"And look, it did! I've got the ten bags of glitter – a lot heavier than you'd guess, actually. Do you have the feathers, Pete?"
"Yeah. We still had some leftovers from the Girl's Dormitory joke, so I brought those, too."
"Brilliant! I seems we're all set then – "
I stepped out from my corner.
"Hello, Potter."
James froze, his back to me. Sirius, Remus, and Peter all gaped at me, horrified, and all four simultaneously threw whatever suspicious objects they'd been holding into a gigantic bucket directly in front of them.
It was seriously gigantic. I'm talking massive proportions here. A troll could've used it to bathe.
Maybe that should be the Marauder's professions...making troll-bathing buckets...
"Lily!" Remus squeaked, bringing me back to the scene. "I thought you had a break right now – "
"I was just coming back from the library," I said sugar-sweetly. "I was actually under the impression you'd be there. Emmeline Vance was looking for you, saying something about a one-on-one study session."
"One-on-one, eh?" Sirius said, turning to Remus with a smirk.
"Stuff it," Remus blushed crimson. Meanwhile, Potter was up to something.
"James, what are you doing?" I asked frostily.
James stopped in the middle of unloading a bag of glitter into the gigantic metal pail.
"Er…nothing," James said, letting go of the bag and immediately running a hand through his hair repeatedly. I sighed, a bit frustrated. The action no longer annoyed me. In fact, I was beginning to realize that maybe James had a point – he did look a tad sexier with his hair messy.
No. BAD LILY.
"What's in the bucket?" I asked innocently. James and the Marauders moved automatically in front of it, doing their best to shield the thing from view. They were, however, extremely unsuccessful seeing as the bucket was about a head taller than James, the tallest of them.
"Feathers," Peter answered honestly.
"A bit of glue," Sirius replied smoothly, albeit shakily.
"And maybe, oh, I don't know, maybe several stones of glitter?" Remus whimpered, triggering a vicious elbow-to-the-ribs from James.
"The herpes of arts and crafts," I said dryly.
Without warning James leapt from the bucket to my feet, groveling on the stone floor, tugging at my robes.
"Please, don't tell anyone, don't castrate me, don't hurt us!" James begged, all pride and dignity left to rot. I desperately wanted someone to take a picture of this sweet, sweet moment. I could imagine the headlines.'This just in! James Potter, recently seen becoming a subservient puddle of goo at the Great Lily Evan's Feet. Read more about his impending slavery on page 8.'
"I'm not going to do anything, James," I said humorously. "Carry on with your misdeeds."
"I – wha?" James stopped begging long enough to ogle me for a second, mouth agape. His glasses had gone slightly crooked, and his hair was messier than ever due to his nervousness.
"You heard me," I said, covering my giggles with my hand. "Carry on."
"But – don't you want to know why - ?" James spluttered incoherently, gesturing to the gigantic bucket and its contents.
"Do I?" I replied, arching an eyebrow.
There was a silence, and then James's face split into a fantastic grin.
"Merlin, you're wonderful, Lily!" James cried, leaping up from the ground and snatching me up, hugging me tightly and pressing a quick kiss to my forehead.
I blushed deeply. "Stop it," I mumbled begrudgingly, trying to hide my embarrassment (and happiness) in his shoulder.
Wait. Happiness.
I wasn't happy.
No, not at all, and I didn't like Potter holding me.
Why was Potter still holding me?
Why?
"Oh, look at the bird, she's blushing!" Sirius called triumphantly.
I gave him the finger before wandering outside.
I could imagine the headlines now...'This just in: Lily Evans is once again a hormonal pile of goo at the Great James Potter's Feet. More on her impending demise in an upcoming special issue.'
What did I just get myself into?
In the middle of the Great Hall on this quiet Monday night, amidst the chatter of mates, the hum of the day's end, and the comfort of good dinner, terror struck.
I dropped my spoon in my soup with a quite splosh and turned to Alice, horrified.
Alice, however, was a bit preoccupied. Frank had just sat down and they were busily engaging in conversation and other, erm, romantic actions.
I turned to Marlene to express my horror. Marlene would have none of it – she was in the middle of arguing heatedly with Mary MacDonald over next week's quidditch game.
I turned to Miranda, but she wasn't there.
So, to no one in particular, I shouted, "Halloween's next week!"
"That it is, Lily dear," Remus said from across the table, looking up from his meal and quirking a skeptical eyebrow.
"You're Head Girl," Peter commented from beside him. "Shouldn't you keep track of these sort of things?"
"You two." I muttered, narrowing my eyes viciously. I then repeated myself, a bit louder. "You two."
"Yes?" Remus said expectantly.
"I see through your plans," I exclaimed triumphantly, pointing an accusing finger in Remus's bemused face. "The Halloween prank! That's what it is, your scheme, your practical joke - impractical joke! Glitter, feathers – buckets, glue!" I cackled madly, throwing my arms in the air. "I know the plot!"
By now Remus and Peter were staring at me, with transfixed but horrified expressions akin to those who'd just witnessed a terrible accident.
"I'd say you've gone bloody mad, Evans," Peter exclaimed.
"Do you have a fever, Lily?" Alice said, detaching herself from Frank, her hand fluttering to my forehead.
"Never mind," I mumbled in to my soup, fishing for my lost spoon. "No one understands me anyway."
"Truer words have never been spoken," Remus smirked.
My soup somehow ended up on Remus's lap, but if you ask me, I had no idea what happened.
I'm going to be at camp for the next month-ish, so don't be expecting updates for a very, very long while. Meanwhile I'm going to plot out the skeleton of the rest of this fic so I'll be filled with ideas when I return.
By the way, if you didn't catch my disclaimer at the top, the whole "glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts" idea belongs to the moste hilarious Demetri Martin!
Review, yeah? Makes me happy :)
-.x.