A/N: Thank you for the comments, it really does mean a lot. If you are reading please let me know because then I know I'm actually writing for someone :o
Chapter 2 - Slapathon
People were milling around the wedding reception, chatting to each other with drinks in their hands. Martha was over in the corner with Mickey being photographed by Tish, and Jack was casually sauntering around behind them ducking randomly to look under tables.
"I'll give Alex to Mum then look," Rose muttered in an undertone to him.
The Doctor nodded distractedly, his eyes catching something against the far wall. "I'm gonna go... search the nibbles area for him."
Rose sighed and rolled her eyes, moving off. The Doctor moved in the opposite direction; straight towards to plates of food. He grabbed a ham roll as he casually leant forward, checking the back for any sign of a Fazian boy. But there was nothing.
He turned back, leant back against the table and took a bite...
Then he saw the Fazian, curled up under the very chair Francine Jones was sitting on.
His eyes widened, and he quickly crammed down the last of the ham roll before looking back up to try and find Rose or Jack. His eyes connected with Jack, and the Doctor quickly indicated with a nod of his head towards Francine. Jack nodded and made to move forward, but he was quickly stopped by an already drunk Jackie slipping up and falling onto him giggling. Thankfully she didn't have Alex in her arms.
With Jack temporarily incapacitated by a drunk Jackie Tyler, the Doctor tried to find Rose. But he couldn't see her. Martha and Mickey were still busy with the photos and Rhys, Gwen and Ianto were nowhere to be seen.
Then he spotted Leah standing by the chocolate fountain, covertly sticking in her finger into the fountain whilst looking around to make sure she wasn't noticed.
"Leah!" the Doctor called, and she abruptly withdrew her finger and consequently got chocolate down the front of her dress. Then she realised it was him, and she bounded forwards.
"Daddy!" she said, reaching him and instantly turning her attention to the chocolate dribbled down her dress and running her finger up to put it in her mouth, leaving a chocolate brown smear down her front. "Did you see me?"
"Yeah," the Doctor said with a happy grin, dropping to his knees and kissing her forehead. "You were brilliant!"
She beamed. "Was I the best bridesmaid?"
"Oh, easily," the Doctor assured her.
"Was I the most pretty?"
"Hands down."
"Good," she replied, still beaming. "Where did you go?"
"There's a young alien boy that's got lost in this house," he explained lowly. "I've just found him... but he's under Martha's mother's chair."
"D'you want me to distract her?" Leah wondered.
The Doctor pulled a face and nodded. "Err, if you could."
"Okay," Leah replied shortly, skipping off towards Francine as the Doctor got up and sidestepped casually into position, grabbing another ham roll as he did so.
"Hello!" Leah began happily to Francine, hands clasped behind her back.
Francine looked down, surprised. "Hello. Leah, isn't it?"
"Yep!" Leah confirmed, sticking her hand out to shake.
Francine took it. "How old are you, Leah?"
"Nearly four!" Leah replied, still beaming widely. "My baby brother's not even a year old, yet! Mummy and Daddy let me play with him yesterday but he pooped and it was gross."
"I see..."
"I really liked the wedding," Leah continued. "Though Uncle Jack said it was about time cos they've been shagging each other for ages. What's shagging?"
The Doctor casually moved forwards and knelt down slowly as if to tie his shoelace. He got a good look under the chair, and found the Fazian staring at him, scared.
"It's okay," the Doctor whispered gently. "Your Mum and Dad sent me... Come here, it's okay George..."
The Doctor extended his hand slowly towards the boy alien. George whimpered and moved back... and disappeared under Francine's dress.
Francine squealed instantly and jumped onto her feet, sending most of the glasses on the table flying. Instantly the other people around the table were looking at Francine, who was looking down at the Doctor on all fours on the floor with his hand outstretched. His head slowly rose up to meet Francine's disapproving gaze.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, quickly jumping to his feet and pretending to shove something in his pocket. "Dropped a penny!" he chimed happily.
She just sighed a heavy sigh, rolling her eyes. She really had never thought much of him. She started towards the food table... and the Doctor quickly realised George was still hiding under her dress.
"You see him?" Rose's voice asked quietly from behind him. He nodded and turned to her, aware of the other people still watching him so he drew her into a tight embrace, making as if to kiss her but instead whispered in her ear:
"He's under Francine's dress."
"Oh God," Rose muttered, pulling away to covertly look over his shoulder to see Francine by the food gathering things onto a paper plate. Rose could see the little hump that had to be George moving underneath. "Okay, I'll keep her at the table, you get under it and try and coax George out," she said, and before he could protest she was already beside Francine engaging her in conversation.
He sighed, and moved forward to the other end of the table. He hovered inconspicuously for a moment, glancing around before making to duck under the table...
Francine suddenly looked around, and he froze, half under the table. Thankfully Leah was on hand and quickly shrieked, "MUMMY!" and ran to Rose, distracting Francine again, and the Doctor slipped under the table, the cloth covering him.
He crawled on all fours to where Francine was, putting a finger under the drape and lifting it slightly to check. Yes, there was Francine's black dress. He readjusted himself, then hooked a finger under the bottom of her dress, and slowly lifted.
There was George, staring back at him.
"Come on, George, it's okay," the Doctor whispered, almost pleadingly as he reached out hand slowly – almost touching him. "Come on..."
George suddenly bolted back away from him. The Doctor dived from on instinct to grab him but missed, and in the process Francine stumbled backwards and landed on her bum with the Doctor's head halfway up her dress. She screamed and backed away instantly, climbing to her feet looking absolutely violated.
"What do you think you're doing?" Francine shrieked. Everyone was looking at them now. The Doctor got to his feet, wondering how he could possibly get out of this one...
"Dropped a penny?" he tried.
"You filthy little pervert!" Francine shrieked and slapped him right across the face. He grimaced and quickly held up his hands in protest.
"How could you, you bastard!" Rose suddenly yelled, stepping up in front of him. "We're married! We have two children!"
Slap!
"You're married?" came a furious yell from across the room and Jack appeared, striding forward towards the Doctor, relishing the moment. "You told me I was the only one!"
Slap!
Everyone else seemed to be catching on that it was their one chance to slap the Doctor now as Ianto stepped up. "You stole my boyfriend!"
Slap!
"You said you weren't looking for commitment!" Gwen yelled next.
Slap!
"You slept with me wife?" Rhys boomed.
Slap!
"You've ruined my wedding!" Martha was next.
Slap!
"You ate all the ham rolls!" Mickey yelled.
Slap!
"You've cheated on my daughter twice?" Jackie drunkenly squealed.
Slap!
"You've upset my Mum!" Rose yelled again.
Slap!
Then it was over, and the Doctor was left standing there with a bright red cheek, speechless.
"I think we need to talk!" Rose suddenly broke the silence, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the door into the corridor, pushing him against the wall. There was a momentary silence, and then she started giggling uncontrollably.
"I'm really sorry!" she gasped through laughing, not sounding very sorry at all.
"That really hurts!" he whined. "I think my jaw is broken..."
"I'm sorry! I had to react, I'm your wife.
"Were the others really necessary?" the Doctor wondered, hand clasped to his wounded cheek.
"I didn't tell them to," Rose replied with a laugh, leaning forward and kissing him deeply.
Suddenly the door to the reception party opened, and Francine and Martha appeared.
Rose instantly pulled away from the Doctor, her face turning to fury. "You bastard!" she yelled, and slapped him again.
"It's okay, I know," Francine said before the Doctor could get battered even more.
"I explained," Martha said. "Jack told me."
The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief and sagged against the wall, clasping his hand to his cheek again. He wondered if he'd get a bruise.
"Did you see where George went?" Rose asked them anxiously, but she didn't need to as suddenly Leah appeared from behind Martha and Francine, holding George in her arms.
"George says he's really sorry," she announced, setting the Fazian down on the floor. The small alien creature looked up at the Doctor apologetically.
"Sor-wee," George squeaked in a high-pitched voice. "I scurred!"
"That's okay," Rose assured him, picking him up. "We'll take you right back to your parents and back to Fazia now."
"Fank-oo," George replied.
Thankfully the Doctor and his family had travelled to the venue by TARDIS, which was stashed in a shed in the grounds. Five minutes later everyone was in and he began to program for Fazia.
"Gosh, I really must thank you, Doctor!" Roger said. "And everyone else who helped, of course!"
"Well, I'm just glad we found him before anyone else," the Doctor replied, smiling. "Were you on holiday to Earth?"
Roger nodded. "It was a jolly lovely affordable package deal. And Earth seemed so exotic and beautiful, didn't it, darling?" he directed to Geraldine, who nodded.
"In the holiday brochure?" the Doctor asked.
Roger nodded, and then quickly snapped a finger into the air before he began rummaging through his bag. "Now where did I... Ah!" He brought out what looked like a metal plate to Rose and handed it to the Doctor.
The Doctor thanked him and tapped the metal plate as Rose moved to stand beside him, intrigued. Instantly a little holographic male alien popped up, dressed in a sharp white suit and hat.
"Hi therre!" the little hologram said in what bizarrely seemed to resemble an American accent. "Thank you for choosing Sammo's Spenderrr-iffic Sol galaxy holiday brochurrrre! Valid regions 1-500 only. Please select your destinatioooon!"
"Earth," the Doctor said.
"I'm sorry, did you say, Mars?"
"No! Earth."
"You have selected Neptunnne!"
"No! Earth!"
"Neptune is..." the hologram began.
"No! Back, back!"
"You are now at the menu! Please select your destinatioooon!"
"Eaaarth-ah!" the Doctor pronounced as best he could.
"I'm sorry, did you say, Earth?"
"Yes."
"You have selected Earth!" Instantly the holographic man disappeared and was replaced with a montage of clips of Earth scenery. "This is Earrrth! Designated Sol 3, this tiny planet is our newest destination on offer! Recently upgraded to a level 6 planet, Earth is one of the two Sol planets containing life, and they surrre know how to live! Whether you fancy a holiday for relaxation, fun, adventure, boredom or culture, this planet has it all! Why not go to the USA and experience culture at first hand, where improbably good-looking adolescents constantly party until the sun goes down and almost everyone is obese! Or if you fancy some adventure, why not visit Egypt, with pyramids filled with mummies, flesh-eating beetles and treasure... but remember to watch out for the death traps – it's true! If you want some relaxation, why not book to go to England! The constant bad weather and miserable uncommunicative inhabitants are sure not to disturb you! But if on the other hand, you would like to guarantee yourself a boring holiday, why not try Canada! Visit Earth now, from as little as 400 credits per night with Sammo's!" The little hologram reappeared. "Would you like to book a holiday for Earth?"
The Doctor didn't answer, instead choosing to shut down the hologram. "Have a great day!" the little man said, then blipped into nothingness.
"... Was that an advert to book a holiday to Earth?" Rose wondered, not as a question but more a statement of disbelief.
"Yup," the Doctor replied, popping his P, before quickly turning his attentions to Roger, Geraldine and George. "Do you mind if I keep this?" he asked, holding up the brochure.
"Not at all," Roger assured him, smiling away.
"Thanks," the Doctor replied, shoving it in his inside jacket pocket and turning to the console, flicking a few more switches. With a jolt and a churn the TARDIS landed.
"Here you go, Fazia right outside," the Time Lord announced.
"Oh, thank you!" Roger said in delight. "Gosh, if only there was something I could do for you!"
"Just promise you won't go back to Earth for a while," the Doctor said as they moved to the door. "And tell your friends. It's not safe there at the moment."
"Of course, Doctor!" Roger replied, shaking his hand. "Thank you!"
Then they were gone. The Doctor just stared after them for a moment, absorbed in thought.
Rose looked at him. "Oh god."
The Doctor snapped his head up to look at her. "What?"
"You've got your 'another suitcase full of bad' expression on."
"Have I? Oh, sorry," he said, smiling meekly.
"What is it? Earth should be level five, right? Is level six bad?"
"Maybe. Dunno, yet."
She nodded understandingly. "Back to the party, then?"
He thought about that for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah," he said, then programmed for the wedding reception.