A/N: Lookit, quick update and longish chapter! I'm cheating though, 'cause I've had the last half of it sitting in my documents folder for ages, but there ya go. Hope you enjoy, there's more Jin than usual. Let me know what you liked and didn't like, I'm always looking to improve.

NEVER EVER

Why is it so hard sometimes?


Why do I love you so much all the time?


I don't want anyone but you.

I don't want anyone but you.

--- Because of You, Ayumi Hamasaki

Chapter Eight: Sleepless Night

It's a freezing night, and I can feel the cold on the window when I put my hand to the glass. Luckily, my mother forced me to pack my scarf, even though I complained and said I probably wouldn't need it, (she also forced me to take my school books so I can study for the university entrance exams, but the less said about that the better) so I throw it on over my jacket and head downstairs. It's funny, but even at three in the morning, the hotel's not exactly dead. I guess I'm not the only night owl around here. As I pass the entrance to the bar, I glance inside, and there's a man with purplish hair sitting at a table with what looks like a martini. He turns to watch a barmaid walk past, and I notice he's wearing sunglasses. Jeez, get over yourself. Someone's playing the piano, and a blonde guy's seated at the bar, chatting with one of the staff. He sounds like he comes from London, or somewhere in the South of England at least. I don't recognise either of them from the last tournament.

For a while I stand there and watch, and let the sound of the piano calm me down, but I can't keep that dream out of my head. Maybe it was just thanks to the pizza I ate before I went upstairs. I did order extra cheese, after all, and people do say that it's one of the easiest ways to give yourself a nightmare. Something about your body having to work extra hard to digest it or something. But my nightmares are normally about stupid things like getting chased by a demonic wheelchair, not about watching myself get murdered by the guy I love.

It's so stupid. I don't know why I care so much after today. I know there's something the matter, something he's not telling me. But whatever the reason, I don't care, and I'm not about to be reasonable about it. The guy wouldn't even give me a hug, for crying out loud. Hey, why should I try to understand? Why am I the one who has to just understand and let him be, to tolerate him pushing me away and just be patient and wait until he sees fit to tell me what his deal is? I'm not particularly patient. It's not one of my strong points.

I just want to help him. I don't want to see him looking so damned miserable all the time. I want to make him smile, make him forget about whatever he's scared of or worried about. I guess I should accept that I'm about as close to him now as he's ever gonna let me get. But I can't accept it. I want to be closer, I want to understand him. I want him to love me.

I just want to love him and for him to tell me it's okay.

The piano plays on, and I walk outside. Cold air rushes over me, and I zip up my jacket and shove my hands in my pockets. The concrete path glitters with ice, and I head over to the gardens. I can hear the running water of the fountain, and it isn't long before I pass it by, walking slowly towards the grove of trees nearby. I explored here in the afternoon, if you go in further enough, there's a clearing with a little spring and some fallen trees. I think it's actually meant to be a fighting arena, 'cause there are signposts pointing out the way there. I follow them until I reach it, my breath coming out it little white puffs. Then I sit down on the freezing ground by the spring and stare at the moon's reflection in the still water. There's a real sense of peace in this place, it's somewhere I can collect my thoughts and try and make sense of that nightmare.

Miharu keeps a book by her bed, something like 'Understanding and Interpreting Your Dreams.' I should have swiped it from her; maybe it'd help some. Of course, that book probably doesn't take Jun into account. What's she trying to tell me? She asked me not to give up on Jin, and then she shows me that? Talk about a contradiction. Is she trying to say that if I give up on him, that's what's gonna happen to me? Lovely.

There's the sound of frozen grass crunching underfoot, and I turn from the spring to see who's coming. It's Jin. What was it, again, speak of the devil, (even if it's inner monologue) and he shall appear? It doesn't look like he's slept yet, from what I can see in the moonlight. He looks pale and tired, and he's still wearing that damned tracksuit. At least he hasn't got the hood up this time. He looks like some fifteen year old who should be at school but decided they'd rather go smash a bus shelter instead. When he notices me sitting there, he stops, hesitates a moment, then turns around to leave. I think about just letting him go, just doing what he asked and forgetting everything, but I can't help but snipe at him.

"Wow. That's mature."

He stops, and I get to my feet, dusting off my dress. It would probably have been more intelligent to wear my jogging bottoms, since it's not exactly tropical temperatures out here, but I couldn't be bothered to unpack properly so I just threw on the first thing I saw.

"Is that what you're gonna do every time you see me now?"

"Sorry." He puts his hands in his pockets, lowering his head.

"I've heard that one before."

"What are you doing here?"

He sounds exactly the same as he did in my dream, and a shiver runs through me. I turn away from him and sit back where I was, hugging my knees to my chest.

"I just felt like walking."

"At this time?"

"Got a problem with that?"

He doesn't answer, and I turn to the water again. I can sense him debating with himself what to do, and after a couple of minutes of silence, he comes and sits by my side. I steal a glance at him, but he's gazing forwards like I was up until a couple of seconds ago.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, a feeling of déjà vu slowly dawning on me.

"Couldn't sleep. I dunno why, it's not like I wasn't tired, but…"

"Jin, just shut up, would you?" I know I'm being rude, and I was the one who asked him what he was doing here, but my nerves are in tatters after that stupid dream, and I can't deal with him trying to make normal conversation with me as if yesterday afternoon never happened.

"I hoped…" He shakes his head. "I'm sorry about before. I just… I really hoped you weren't waiting, and…"

"Well I was." I cut him off bitterly.

"…I'm sorry."

"Will you stop?" I snap. "Stop saying you're sorry! I don't give a…" I stop myself, stand up and back away from him a little. "I don't care if you're sorry, okay? It doesn't change anything, at the end of the day!"

"Xiao…"

"Oh, for God's sake. I'm going."

Maybe not for God's sake. Maybe just for mine. I only get a few steps away before he gets to his feet.

"Wait. Xiao, I… I…" He reaches a hand out, then pulls back, then shakes his head. "Don't go, alright? Just wait."

"What for?"

He looks at me, and I can see that he's fighting with himself inside.

"I'm just… I'm scared, and I don't know what to do."

"You afraid of the dark, sweetheart?" For some reason, I can't help but be bratty towards him, even though I can see he's trying to explain himself.

"I never wanted to hurt you, but,"

"Oh spare me, Jin."

"Just listen, okay?" I know I don't deserve it, but… please?"

I fold my arms, looking for all the world like a petulant child, and stare at him expectantly.

"I'm scared for you, Xiao… And me. And I missed you, I did, you have to understand, I just… I couldn't… I was glad we were apart, and I missed you and I didn't know what was happening to me and I…" he trails off, rubbing his forehead agitatedly.

"Jin, you're not making any sense. You know that, right?"

"I saw this…" He pulls at his hair, frustrated. "I saw this girl when I was in Brisbane, and I thought it was you, she looked just like you, Xiao, it was weird, and anyway - she even had pigtails in like you do - but anyway, she was with this guy and he must have been her boyfriend 'cause they were holding hands, and I was so… I was angry, and it's stupid, I know, because she looked so happy, and if it was you I should have been happy that you'd moved on and you were happy and things were good for you, but I just couldn't help being angry and I…"

I go to him, put a hand on his shoulder and try and calm him down, because he's just rambling now and it doesn't make sense. I can feel tears stinging my eyes, there's a weird mix of sadness and anger and love swirling inside me and I don't know how to feel.

"It's not fair. I didn't ask for any of this." Jin says, and I can hear the pain in his voice. "God, I sound like a kid. Sorry, you shouldn't have to listen to this…"

"How can you expect me to understand what's going on, Jin? What happened to you? Why won't you tell me?"

He grabs my hand suddenly, making me jump, and tugs me forward, and I lose my footing and fall against his chest. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually a little scared of him. It's because of that stupid dream. Jin wraps his arms around me, so tightly that I can hardly breathe.

"Tell me… tell me it's okay…"

I manage to pull away somehow to look at his face.

"Why are you so scared?"

He brushes a hand through my hair, strokes my face, gently runs his thumb over my lower lip, and I push his hand away. My blood's running cold, everything inside is screaming at me that this isn't right, that something's happened to him that can't be undone, and he isn't that Jin of two years ago.

"You're avoiding the question, Jin. What happened to you?"

"Please, Xiao, just… tell me everything's okay… please." His voice cracks on the last word, and even though I'm scared, I can't bear to see him so afraid, can't help but pull him close again, and he rests his head on my shoulder.

"I know it's pathetic to ask you to say that, but…" My jacket muffles his voice.

"Why?"

I don't even know why I'm asking him why. He pulls back, but it's only so he can kiss me. And this is real; this is really Jin's mouth against mine. But I can't do this. I can't wrap my arms around him and kiss back and melt against him. I pull away. I just can't.

"Don't." My voice is trembling, and his face is still only centimeters from mine. "Don't, Jin."

"I'm sorry." He says miserably. "I know I'm selfish. I know." Our lips are touching again. "I just… I really need…"

He's kissing me again, his hands in my hair, and I try to push him away but there's no strength behind it. If you want to push someone away, it really helps if you actually want them away from you, want them to stop what they're doing. I don't. I'm greedy for his kisses and touches, for the feel of his hands gliding over my body.

"Xiao, I missed you." He whispers, kissing me hard, and I part my lips to allow his tongue entrance. I wish I were stronger when it comes to Jin. I still don't have any answers from him. I wish I could stay in control, but I just can't help myself. I'm pathetic.

"I missed you." He says again, deepening the kiss, sending bolts of lightning through my veins, making me shudder as he slides a hand down to the small of my back and presses me to him. I wind my arms around his neck, letting his tongue tease mine, and he moans into my mouth when I push my hips into his. I can feel him then, hard against me, and another jolt of electricity runs through me. I remember two years ago, how he told me that he wanted me, and how I was embarrassed and excited all at once. Jin trails kisses over my throat, and I can hear words tumbling from my lips, telling him it's alright, it's okay, everything's alright.

I'm inside a dream of you,

I am so blind as to dream,

To fall into a stream of illogical love,

You are my dawn when I'm alone.

--- Nemurenai Yoru, Bonnie Pink