A/N: Sorry to keep you waiting with this one. Bloody university assignments, keeping me from what's important! Hope you guys and girls enjoy this chapter, and let me know what you thought. Reviews from you always make my day! Oh yeah, and like I said in the last chapter, let me know if you want me to share the songs on the Never Ever playlist, and I'll post it in my LJ.
NEVER EVER
I can't live on memories alone, I need proof of this time
I try to cut into my heart, but my love remains unchanged.
Chapter Eleven: Trust
I lean back on the chair and close my eyes, trying to focus on something other than the insistent throb of my head, and after a few seconds I become aware of the sound of footsteps on the plush carpet of the stairs. When I open my eyes, Jun has just reached the bottom step, and she stands there and gazes over at me, one hand on the bannister. There always seems to be this aura about her, a sort of sad serenity, and I'm not sure whether the emotions that run through me when she's around - feelings of hope and desperation - are something that she inspires in me, or just the way I'm feeling right now, what with everything that's going on.
"I'm sorry." she says.
"For what?"
"You heard his voice, right?"
I nod. "Is it really Jin?"
"...I can't answer that."
"Thought so."
She comes closer, and I stand up.
"I didn't realise." she says.
"Realise what?"
"The reason you can hear him is because of me."
The pain in my head deepens, and I rub my forehead, sudden agitation bubbling up inside me.
"I didn't know that when --"
"Why can I remember things that didn't happen to me?" I snap, interrupting her. "What are you doing to me, Jun? 'Cause whatever it is, I'm not happy about it, okay?"
"Xiaoyu, I -- "
"It's not like I don't have enough to deal with right now, alright?" I interrupt again. "I want to help Jin, I do, but how am I supposed to do anything for him if you don't tell me what the hell's going on?"
"I'm sorry. I know it must be frustrating..."
"No kidding."
"Just... be yourself."
"Thanks for that. It helps so much."
She smiles a little at my sarcasm.
"I'm sorry. I know it doesn't seem much help, but try to trust me."
I ignore her, not returning her smile.
"Why is it your fault that I could hear that voice?"
Jun looks away for a moment, seemingly debating with herself over what to say to me.
"It took me a while to be able to get through to you. But now that your subconscious is open to me..." She trails off with a sigh. "I didn't know that he'd be able to speak to you too. I'm sorry."
"Well, can't you do anything to shut him up? I really haven't got a good first impression of him, to be honest."
She shakes her head.
"All I can say is to try and shut out his voice."
"Ignore him until he goes away, right? Yeah. 'Cause that's always worked in my life so far."
"Xiaoyu, try and calm down a little. I believe in you... If nothing else, just remember that."
The ache in my head quickly intensifies and the world tilts around me, my vision fogging over, Jun's figure gradually swallowed up into white.
"Xiaoyu? Hey, Xiaoyu?"
There's a pressure on both my shoulders, someone's shaking me awake.
"Hello?"
"Mrr..."
That's the only sound I can make right now, because coming back to consciousness feels like such an effort. It's a dim, strange feeling, as though I'm swimming upwards through tar.
"Hey, if you're tired, your room's only upstairs, hon."
"Chr-- Christie?"
"Man, you're really out of it. Don't tell me you've been drinking this early."
"Nnn. I wish."
I hear her chuckle, and she tugs on my hand.
"Come on, I'll buy you a coffee, wake you up."
"Decaf."
"What?"
I somehow manage to gather enough energy to get up off the chair, glancing lazily around the hotel lobby.
"Decaf. My head hurts. Caffeine'll make it worse."
"Okay, but decaf coffee's pretty pointless if you ask me."
"I'll take pointless over a migraine."
Christie leads the way to the hotel restaurant, and we chat about the match-ups that are due to be released in the afternoon. Well, Christie chats, and I try my best to focus on what she's saying and not let my mind wander back to Jun and Jin and Jin But Not Jin and his weird, threatening, disembodied voice.
"Are you nervous about your first match?" Christie asks me.
"Yeah." I admit, and she looks surprised.
"Really? I figured that you guys who'd been here before would be used to stuff like this."
"Well, I thought I would be too. But I guess it's one of those things that just doesn't get any easier no matter how many times you do it."
"You're more experienced, though. You know what to expect, right?"
"Sort of."
"Why only sort of?"
"Well, last time I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. I figured I could easily handle it. Stupid, huh? So now, I know I can't think 'hey, I don't need to train, this'll be cake'. I can't be cocky, you know? Not unless I know I can back it up. And with the people in this tournament, I don't know that I can win."
Christie looks a little worried.
"It's really so tough?"
"Really."
"But I have to win." she tells me as we walk into the restaurant. Hwoarang's sitting at a table near the window, and I wave to him. Through the window I can see the sky's overcast now. Guess the weather can't make its mind up today.
"I have to win, 'cause that's the only way I can be sure I'll see Eddy again." Christie says.
"Eddy?"
"Yeah, he was in the last tournament. Eddy Gordo. You might have seen him?"
I remember a rainy morning in the last tournament, the smell of wet grass, and admiring Eddy's grace and rhythm while I watched his match with Hwoarang.
"Yeah. I never talked to him, but I did see him."
"Doesn't seem like people do much talking to each other in this tournament. You and your boyfriend are the only friendly people I've met so far." she says with a playful smile.
"Not my boyfriend." I remind her shortly as we wait for the coffee machine to finish vending.
"Why not? He's cute as hell."
"We'd drive each other crazy."
"That just means there's a spark there." Christie says sweetly, and I glower at her.
"There is no spark."
She grins and hands me a cup.
"Sure. Here ya go. Pointless coffee."
We carry our drinks over to Hwoarang's table, and I look out of the window again. A light rain has just started falling over the gardens, and there's a gentle sound as it hits the glass. Someone walks past my line of sight, and my eyes focus on him automatically. It's Jin, and even though I know it's really impolite of me, I put my cup down and mumble something about being right back, then turn and make for the doors. Christie calls out to me in confusion, and I just catch Hwoarang's explanation for my behaviour as I hurry off.
"...Terrible smoking habit. Fifty a day. I tell her it's bad for her, but does she listen to me?"
"Jin!" I cry as I enter the gardens and catch sight of him, walking not too far away. He doesn't respond or slow down, and I break into a run, trying to keep up with him.
"Jin! Wait!"
My trainers can't grip the soaked grass, and my feet slip out from under me as I speed up. I hit the ground heavily, landing in an undignified heap, and normally it wouldn't bother me and I'd just get up and brush myself off, but my emotions are all over the place, and I just feel like bursting into tears right there and giving up. Jin still doesn't stop, and it's the memory of Jun's words in my dream - her voice telling me to be myself and that she believes in me - that spurs me on to pick myself up, swallow the sadness that I'm not even sure is completely mine, and carry on following him. I brush my hands off on my front as I set off again.
"Jin! Jin, wait up!"
He stops, finally, turns around and waits for me to approach him.
"Xiao, please, just go. Stop following me."
I fix him with my most stubborn glare and shake my head.
"Let me help you."
"You can't." he says bluntly, folding his arms. "No one can help, okay?"
"How do you know?"
"I just do."
"Did the voices tell you?" I snipe, and immediately feel guilty about it. Jin stares at me, expressionless.
"You heard it, didn't you?"
"Uh-huh. But I'm failing to see why that means I can't help you."
"Because I want you to stay away. Isn't that enough of a reason?"
"No."
"Well it should be."
"Well it isn't."
He looks at me in despair.
"Xiaoyu, please, for once, just listen to me --"
"No, Jin, listen to me. I don't care, and I'm not gonna stay out of your way. I don't care about that voice. I want to be with you. That's all."
"But I... You don't understand, Xiao. Like I said before... I'll just... I'll hurt you." His voice drops to barely above a whisper. "I'm scared I'll hurt you."
"You've hurt me before and I'm still here."
"Not like that."
I know exactly what he means, I've dreamed about it, but I shrug it off.
"I don't care."
"I care. If I did something to you... if I..."
"Jin, shh." I say softly, reaching up and brushing my fingers over his lips. "You won't."
"You can't know that for certain, Xiaoyu."
"I know. But guess what? I trust you."
He smiles, and it seems a reassuring, genuine smile. The last time I saw him smile like that was after we made our promise two years ago.
"That makes one of us." He says, and walks away from me.
Why do people long, not to be loved, but to love
And then end up choosing a love that will hurt us?
-- Blue Knife, Aikawa Nanase