A/N: Wow, it didn't take me six months this time! This one's another one of those talky chapters, but I hope you like it nevertheless. Thank you so, so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I love you guys, and I'm really glad you're enjoying the story! I really hope you enjoy this chapter too. For some reason, it took a while to get it down on virtual paper, even though the word count's the same as ever!
NEVER EVER
I can't even protect the hand I'm supposed to be holding...
Chapter 16: Illuminate
"Almost there..."
Brilliant sunlight glistens on the surface of the water, and I sit down, listening to the sound of grass rustling softly in the warm breeze as the stream rushes past me, winding its way deeper into the forest.
I shouldn't... shouldn't be near him...
Barely a whisper, but... was that Jun's voice? She sounded close by, but I don't see her anywhere.
"There's only a little more to figure out."
I don't look at Jin, instead focusing on the glittering water, but I can feel him next to me, and just that is enough to tie my stomach in knots. I can't help but think of the times when that effect was solely down to my planet-sized crush on him, that hope that he'd maybe tell me he'd been thinking about me, that he liked me, that maybe we should go on a date sometime or something. Now it's so much more than just that, and as a result, the most powerful emotion I feel right now isn't the eager, giddy anxiety of the past. No, now I'm uneasy, tense.
"You're afraid?"
His voice is gentle, laced with sadness. I wish I could deny it, but instead all I can do is nod, worried that if I speak, he'll catch the fear in my voice.
That aura... he isn't... there's something that doesn't belong...
"Of me? Or of finding out what happened to make me like this?"
"Both, maybe..." I reply, still staring at the water. "But I still want to find out."
"It's alright. You're not the only one who's afraid. But... you... I didn't want you to be."
What is it? What am I afraid of?
"Jin... I'm sorry."
"Don't worry." he sighs. "Of course you're scared. I'm scared too. I thought I was strong enough after two years. But I suppose..."
He gets to his feet and moves closer to the water's edge. The sun continues to illuminate our quiet little clearing, its bright rays unobscured by clouds, and on the other side of the stream I see Jun. Wait, that's not the right way to explain it. It's weird, like she's not really there, just a hazy afterimage, a memory rather than something that I can interact with. I watch as she dips her bare toes into the meandering water, her white sandals dangling from one hand.
"Xiao... to tell you the truth, I think I'm losing myself."
And why am I still...
Jin turns to me, his eyes locking with mine, and I want to reassure him but my voice won't work. He shakes his head.
"Right now I'm okay, but I'm worried that if I don't fight as hard as I can to keep control, then eventually I'll be the one who's suppressed... who can't get through... and then... if that happens, I..."
My vision flashes white, and Jun's voice becomes louder, enough that I can catch the despair and confusion.
I want to see him... Maybe all I need is a little more time, and then I'll work out what it is I'm sensing about him. Something about him... I've never experienced such a thing... But still, I want to see him again. Not only because I'm worried about this, but because I... I just want to. Does that make me...
"...selfish?"
"Wh-what?"
My head is swimming with memories and thoughts that aren't mine. Jin turns his face away and for a moment he looks entirely too much like Kazuya.
"Never mind. I know it does, but I can't help it. Just talking to you... it helps. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the struggle to keep in control. It'd be so much easier just to stop fighting... but you... if you're there... then..."
"Xiao? Snap the fuck out of it! I'm the one who should be tired!"
Suddenly, I'm no longer sitting on the grass, but instead right on the water's edge, struggling to get a foothold. Jin's hold on me is the only thing preventing me from falling into the stream, and he smiles a little, squeezing my hand reassuringly.
"Almost..." he murmurs. "Just a little more."
Then he lets go of me.
Cool water splashes my face and drips through my hair, and my eyes snap open as I gasp in shock. Hwoarang's standing over me, an upended glass in his hand, and all I can do is stare stupidly up at him until he arches an eyebrow.
"Well?" he demands. "What the hell was that about?"
I sit up, drying my face with my t-shirt, becoming rapidly aware of a dull pain at the back of my head.
"What?"
"Fucking great time to decide to take a nap, Xiao, I gotta say. You might wanna make sure you're at least sitting down next time."
"Mnn..." I groan, accepting his offered hand and allowing him to pull me to my feet. "My head hurts..."
"Yeah, you hit it on that cabinet thing. It was kinda funny until you didn't get up."
I scowl at him, using my free hand to push my wet hair out of my eyes.
"It hurts."
"Must've hit it pretty hard. Good thing you're not dead, huh?" he asks breezily. "That'd have been a bitch to explain. 'It was self defence officer, I swear! She knew I don't believe in sex before marriage, but she wouldn't take no for an answer so I smacked her with a cabinet.'"
"Or you could just tell the truth." I mutter, not amused and still groggy from the dream. And most likely the head trauma. "And why are we talking about this?"
"Okay, okay, wanna tell me what all that fainting thing was about then? At first I thought it was just a side effect of getting too close to me and my awesomeness, but you should be used to that by now."
I smile. I can tell his nonchalance is forced, and that, coupled with the amount of stupid jokes he's making means he must have been worried. Plus, he's still got hold of my hand, which also clues me in a little.
"Sorry if I scared you."
He blinks, then drops my hand, turning away from me and folding his arms.
"That's not answering my question. And don't apologise, stupid. Just don't do it again."
"Okay." I smile, but I know I can't guarantee it. I don't exactly have any control over when the next episode of Surreal Moments with the Kazamas airs.
"So I'm guessing you recognise it too?"
"Recognise what?" I rub my head again with a wince.
"That." Hwoarang points at the textbook, still turned to the page with the demon illustration. "Knowing you, you haven't read that book before, so where do you recognise it from?"
"Well... uh... Where do you recognise it from?"
"I asked first."
"But I'm prettier than you."
"My dick's bigger than yours."
I sigh.
"That might have more of an effect if I actually had a dick, Hwoarang."
"I could make a really easy joke about Kazama right now, but I won't."
I give up.
"Okay, fine. But if I tell you, don't think it's weird."
"Depends if it is weird."
I scowl at him until he sits on the edge of the bed with an innocent smile.
"Go on then." he tells me, and I sit down next to him.
"I've been having these weird dreams..." I hesitate, glancing at him. Surprise flickers across his face, then he takes to staring at the floor.
"And?"
"Well, sometimes they're dreams, sometimes it's sorta like a... a daydream I guess. Anyway, in one dream I saw... someone... with those markings."
"Someone." he repeats, sounding annoyed. "Kazama, you mean?"
As I blink, wondering how he managed to draw that conclusion, he stands up and goes over to the window, peering out into the dark.
"Yeah, thought so." he mutters when I don't reply.
"How did you..."
"The book says those markings're a sign of demonic possession." Hwoarang carries on, ignoring me. "But it's talking about myths, right?" He flips the book closed and reads the title aloud. "Japanese Folklore, Fairytales and Fantasies."
"Demonic possession's hardly the stuff of fairytales." I point out.
"So, what, you're taking it seriously?" he asks, skeptical. "You had one dream, and you're worried Kazama's gonna go Linda Blair on you now?"
"It's not just the dream..."
I want to tell him everything, the things that Jun told me, the Jin-but-not-Jin voice I heard, Jin's words in the dream I just had... But I don't know where to begin, and I don't even know if he'd take me seriously now. It doesn't seem like he wants to be having this conversation.
"I know." Hwoarang murmurs. "There's something different about the bastard, I know. Even I can pick up on it, so it's gotta be a big difference. But does it have to be something like that?" He comes back over to the bed and sits beside me, heaving a sigh of exasperation. "Fuck, it was weird enough last time."
"Tell me about it."
I think back to that night in the last tournament; the fight with Toshin, how afraid I was, even though I tried my hardest not to let it show. I don't want to experience anything like that again, and I especially don't want Jin to have any hand in it. I'd rather he didn't attempt to murder me in real life, thanks.
"So... any ideas on what to do?" Hwoarang asks. I glance over at the textbook, and he looks pained. "Anything other than reading, I meant."
"Soybeans."
I look up from the dogeared library book on myths that I checked out, thinking it might help with my revision for my entrance exams. The textbook that Hwoarang's been looking through is supposed to be the only one we'll need, but, you know, a good range of material helps and all that. According to my mother, at least.
"What?"
"It says here that people throw soybeans outside their houses to.. uh... keep demons out. So... we could... uh..." He trails off, scratching the back of his head. "Uh..."
"Throw soybeans at him?" I ask mildly. For a moment, Hwoarang's expressionless, then he throws down the textbook in a huff.
"You think of something then, genius! It's not my fault this book blows."
I lift my own book up in front of my face to hide the fact that I'm having trouble smothering my laughter. I'm guessing he notices my shoulders shaking with suppressed giggles though, 'cause when I chance a peek over the top of the book, he's glaring at me.
"I'm going for a slash." he announces, standing up abruptly.
"Thanks for that information."
I turn my attention back to the book, a sentence jumping out at me as I scan the fresh page.
'There are a large number of demons which were originally human beings, transformed into something horrific and grotesque, usually by some sort of extreme emotional state.'
I'm suddenly struck by a memory of Jin's tormented expression from this afternoon. 'You don't have the slightest idea what Heihachi's capable of, do you?' he'd said.
I think I'm starting to piece this together now.
Almost there.
You cried as you said you wanted to be stronger
You said that only to me, while I hid something from you.
--- Criminal, Ayumi Hamasaki