A/N: Finally, an update! As always, I'm sorry for taking so long to get this one written. I hope you guys enjoy it, even if it's a tad short compared to the last few chapters. The end of this chapter just seemed like the most natural place to leave off, so that's what I figured I should do. :) Let me know your thoughts, I'm always grateful to hear from you.

NEVER EVER

No matter how hard I try, I can't escape it.
My past is always chasing me.

Chapter Twenty Six: Clarity

The first letter is dated August in his usual messy scrawl, as though it was some homework assignment someone reminded him about five minutes before it was due in, and there's a coffee ring in the top corner. Typical.

Hey, kiddo.

First off, what's with the whole waxing nostalgic thing? Don't bother sending me letters if you're gonna be all whiny, I get enough of that whenever Jung gets smashed and starts up the usual 'I wanna go home' maudlin shit. And definitely don't bother sending me letters if you're just gonna rub it in about how you and Mi are lazing around in the sun while I'm dodging bullets and dealing with moron soldiers. You wouldn't believe where one of 'em decided to shove a .556 round the other day. I mean, fuck's sake. If you're that bored, you go to the gym or something. Makes me really fucking glad I'm not a medic. And now you're mentioning theme parks, and no, I am not coming on the rollercoaster with you. Damn, I can just see it now, all screaming idiots and and screeching kids hopped up on sugar and that fucking irritating, repetitive noise that they pass off as music. And as for those cheating bastard crane games and the stuffed animals, let's not go there. I think I can honestly say I'd prefer to extract that .556 round I mentioned.

And sure, 'course you miss me. That's why you're ignoring my damned letters. I won't say write back soon, since I've kinda got the hint.

Hwo.

P.S: I've been joking pretty much all the way through this letter. So you can stop pouting and looking even more like a whiny five year old than usual.

I miss you too. Really.

I turn over the second envelope, closing my eyes for a while as snowflakes swirl in the wind, melting into my hair and skin. Then it begins to dawn on me that it's not cold anymore. I open my eyes. The snow's gone.

Brilliant sunlight glistens on the surface of the water, and I'm standing on the edge, struggling to get a foothold as the stream rushes past me, winding its way deeper into the forest.

"…Just a little more."

Jin's hand is in mine, the only thing preventing me from falling, but this time he pulls me back from the edge and into his arms. He's warm as the afternoon breeze, his fingers sliding through my hair and down my back, touching me as if I'm his most fragile treasure, as if he's scared I might shatter and disappear.

"I knew I'd see you again." I say.

His arms tighten around me, his voice soft.

"I can't do this without you."

Why is he telling me this? Why is he telling me exactly what I wanted to hear? This is how I wanted it to go, how I'd dreamed it would go. Which should clue me in straight away that it's not real.

"You don't have to." I say, and I know this isn't right, but I don't understand.

I want you to focus on your own future, not mine.

The look on his face after he told me that convinced me that it was painful, final. It was his way of telling me to let go. The Jin who's holding me now, is he the same Jin who said that? Is this what he really wants, underneath it all, in spite of his better judgement? This is a dream, like all the rest. But I can't help but want to live in it a little longer.

"I'm glad."

The sound of running water seems to fade out completely, and all I can hear is my breathing, my heart, his breathing, his heart. I bury my face in his chest as sunlight shimmers down on us. A faint sense of unease is rising in me, even as I fight to force it back, wanting to prolong this moment even if it isn't real. I know that makes me pretty much pathetic, but still.

...Just a little more.

"I'm sorry, Xiao."

"Why?"

Pulling back to look at him, I can see Jun out of the corner of my eye. Just like last time, she's on the other side of the stream, out of reach, intangible, a spectre illuminated by the strength of the sun. But then Jin locks his gaze with mine, and I'm transfixed. His eyes, dark and gentle and sad. His mouth, capable of sending my mind spinning, whether it's with a kiss or a few simple words. Like 'we can't be together'.

Then he does kiss me, and it's desperate and fierce, as though he can barely hold back. One arm is still wrapped tight around me, the other hand cupping my chin, and I reach up to wind my arms around his neck.

"I always pull you back in the end." he murmurs against my mouth. "Even though I know it'd be better for you if I didn't. Even though I know you can't let go if I don't… but I…"

His lips brush my ear, his breath whispers over my skin, and I don't dare to hope, but it's been two years. I've wanted, waited, dreamed of this for two years.

Please say it, please tell me.

The cheerful bubbling of the stream suddenly breaks back through with startling clarity, and now Jun's kneeling on the grass, lightly trailing her fingers through the surface of the water. Her reflection is dull and hazy, and as I watch, she begins to disappear, as though she was never really there at all.

"Xiao… I love you." Jin says.

And my heart stops at the words. I want to look at him, to say something, but something's stopping me from pulling my gaze from the water.

"Look." Jun's voice, almost too soft to hear. "See with your eyes, not with your heart, Xiaoyu."

As Jun's image fades from the water, Jin's becomes vivid, and his face and chest are tainted with thick black markings, his eyes glowing with an unearthly light. Like the shocking sensation of falling into freezing water, everything becomes clear in an instant.

I love you.

There's those words again, but now the spell's broken, I know there's no truth behind them.

I was never speaking to Jin, was I? It was you all along.

Now his hands slide down my arms, gripping my wrists, and what was once a gentle smile has transformed into a taunting smirk.

"Did you think it was him? That somehow you were connected?"

Looking into his eyes, trying desperately to force back the rising panic, I don't even know how to think anymore. I don't struggle free from his grip, even as it tightens painfully, even as his grin gets wider and he leans closer and everything in me is screaming that I need to get away, to run as far and as fast as possible. I can't move. I can't even break eye contact. In front of me, he looks no different, but his reflection has already told the true story. I don't want to see anymore. I want to wake up.

"All those childish daydreams, Ling Xiaoyu, just prove how little you really know about him."

His teeth graze my lower lip as he kisses me roughly, and tears blur my vision. He's right. I can't fight him, can't save him. I never could. It was always too late, he was never asking for my help, not even in my dreams. And even so, my heart still leapt when he said he loved me.

"Deep beneath the surface, he resents your innocence."

He releases one of my wrists, tilting my chin up to him with a gentleness that's nothing other than frightening now I know his true face, and behind me, the sun glimmers in the water.

"All this time you've been dreaming of him, tender and considerate and patient, when all he wants is to tear it away."

The words are punctuated by claws slashing open my jacket, scraping my chest, and I cry out in surprise and pain. His eyes glitter with malice, the burning sting of his claws on my skin becomes a insistent throb.

"Don't worry." he smiles. "It always hurts the first time."

I wonder if after it catches up with me
It will eventually overtake me.
Forgive me for not telling you.

- GUILTY, Ayumi Hamasaki