Callie's POV
Gibbs's words kept running through my head.
He put in your paperwork for termination.
I sat on my bed and replayed the day over and over again in my head. A tear escaped my eye and fell down on my hand.
"Mind if I join you?" Stef's voice pulled me from my thoughts. She was holding a large mug and had a fluffy blanket draped over her shoulders.
I nodded silently and scooted towards the wall. I wiped away my tears and accepted both the blanket and the mug which was filled with hot cocoa.
"How are you, my love?" Stef sat next to me and pulled the blanket over her legs as well.
I shrugged my shoulders and tried to scoot away from her, but she grabbed my hand to stop me.
"Callie, today was extremely hard. I can't even begin to imagine what is going through your mind right now. Mama and I want you to know that you do not have to be strong right now. Nothing with this situation is okay. We don't expect you to try and be okay. But I just want you to know that you can tell me anything. I won't be mad, I promise. I just want to try and understand." She rubbed circles on my hand to try and calm my racing heart.
"I just don't even know what to think. Mom, I killed two people today and injured another. How can I ever be okay?" I laid my head on Stef's shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to erase the images that were flooding my mind.
"Have I ever told you the story about the first time I fired my weapon?"
I shifted my head so I could look up at her. "No, you really haven't told me any stories."
She smiled and wrapped her arm around me. "I was fresh out of the academy. It was the first month that I was on the job and I was dispatched to a domestic violence call. My partner told me that I was going to take the lead on it. We pulled up in the driveway and ran up to the house with our weapons drawn. The dispatcher had told us that the caller informed her of a gun in the house. My heart was beating out of my chest. I kicked in the door and started yelling for everyone to get on the ground with their hands on their heads. Kids were screaming, the wife was crying, and the husband was yelling at us to get out of his house." She tightened her grip on me and took a deep breath. "The man pulled a revolver out of his waistband and I fired on him. My hands were shaking and he moved just in time. Their youngest son walked around the corner at the right time. The bullet hit him in the leg." She wiped away a tear and continued. "He was rushed to the hospital but he died during surgery."
The room fell quiet. The heavy silence was weighing on my chest as I tried to figure out what to say. But, Stef beat me to it.
"I didn't tell you that story to try and make you feel better. I told you that because I want you to know that I know how it feels to kill someone. That wasn't the only time I've had to shoot my weapon. I've fired and hit people directly in the chest. I know that it can be part of my job and you should never have had to do that, but you aren't alone here. I'll try to help you in any way I can." She kissed the top of my head and adjusted to blankets that were strewn out among us.
"I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight." My voice was weak and I was on the verge of yet another breakdown. "I'm scared that more of the chips are going to be faulty and they are going to come looking for us."
"Jude is going to monitor the chips, my love. I hate that you're stressing over this but we're going to keep this under control. I promise."
I sighed deeply, not really believing anything she was saying. "Is everyone still here?"
"Yes, they are going to stay until the storm dies down. But you don't have to see them if you don't want."
"Will you ask Ziva to come up here? I just want to talk to her for a little bit." I pulled myself to a sitting position and grasped my upper left arm and winced.
Stef pulled my shirt away from my arm to get a better look at the wound caused by Robin's bullet. "We need to get this cleaned up. It isn't bad but we should get a bandage on it. Why don't you go sit in the bathroom and I'll go get the first aid kit?" She kissed the top of my head and helped me to my feet.
As she walked out of my room to retrieve the first aid kit from downstairs, I took a seat on the edge of the tub and removed my shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror, amazed at how many scars littered my skin. Some were barely noticeable while some were impossible to miss. Bullets, shards of glass, fists, and scalpels all left their marks on my skin, reminding me of every memory I wanted to forget. I ran my fingers over the newer scars, thankful they were healing properly unlike the older ones I'd gained at New Intelligence.
A soft knock at the door forced me from my thoughts.
"Can I come in?" I was expecting Stef's voice to be on the other side of the door but was shocked when I was met with Ziva's.
"Yeah, sure." My own voice was quiet and distant.
Ziva pushed the door open just enough to slip through into the dimly lit bathroom. She set down a large flashlight on the bathroom sink and set the first aid kit in front of her.
"Stef said you wanted to talk. And I figured I could take this wound dressing off of her hands." Ziva pulled some antiseptic from the box along with some gauze, tape, and medical scissors.
"You were trained by Mossad in Israel when you were little, right?"
Ziva froze in place, contemplating how to answer my question. She cleaned away the dried blood from the cut on my arm and began to wrap it in the soft gauze. "Yes, I was. My father trained my siblings and I from a very young age." Even though the room was dark I could see the battle behind her eyes.
"Did you feel robbed of your childhood? Or were you able to do normal 'kid' things?" I winced as she applied pressure to ensure the bleeding had stopped.
"When I got older I sometimes felt like my youth was stolen from me. But, we were able to run and play like 'normal' children. However, our lives were far from normal." She put a single piece of tape on the gauze and handed me my shirt. "I know you know what that feels like so I won't try and explain it to you. Callie, whatever you want to ask me… you can. You know that, right?" Ziva wrapped the blanket around both of us and took my hand in hers.
I took a deep breath and leaned my head on her shoulder. "I want to forget it all. Every night I go to bed and dream that I am back at New Intelligence. I see the people I trained to be killers, I see the people who have been at the other end of my weapons, and I see the monster I've become. If I have Jude activate the chip in my brain… I can forget all of it. I can have a normal life and be okay again."
The room was eerily quiet and only our even breaths filled the silence.
"Callie, you are a smart girl. You are the smartest person I know! Tell me what would happen if Jude activated that chip. Not the good things… the not so good things."
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to think about it. "I would forget my family. I would forget Jude. I would forget you and Gibbs and everyone else. I would forget me."
"Do you want to forget all of that? I know that what happened to you at New Intelligence is awful. But is forgetting that part of your life really worth forgetting all of the people who love you? Is it worth not being able to create memories with these people?"
"I don't know!" I jumped to my feet and paced around the small bathroom. "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place here. I have so much to lose either way. No matter what path I choose I'll lose so much." I slumped down on the floor and didn't even try to stop the hot tears that streamed down my face.
Ziva sighed and sat down next to me once again. "I am so sorry that you are hurting in this way. I wish that I could make it all go away. I wish that there was an obvious choice, but there is not. I think this is something that you have to talk over with your family. Pray to whatever God you believe in to give you guidance. You do not have to make a decision tonight. You do not have to make a decision any time soon. Take all of the time that you need. This is a life changer, Callie." Ziva kissed my temple and pulled me close to her again.
The two of us sat in the dark bathroom huddled together under a warm blanket. Our breathing synchronized and for the first time that day my world finally slowed down. I looked around the bathroom at the silly pictures of my siblings and I. I saw the mess of Mariana's makeup strewn across the shelves and the shaving cream and razor that Brandon thought he needed but really didn't. The markings of my family were so prominent even in that little bathroom. I couldn't imagine a world where I couldn't recognize those things.
I didn't need time to think about my decision. It was clear and obvious to me.
All of the pain in the world was worth being a part of that crazy, loud, loving family. I would take all of the suffering I endured to get to them a hundred times more if it meant I could stay with them forever. They were my family. They were engrained in me just as I was engrained in them. And nothing would ever change that.