Hello hello, welcome back! I just wanted to say that I won't be posting much on any of my accounts for a while, since I have my finals in about two weeks...yay...

Well, it doesn't really stop me from writing, does it? *innocent smile*

Enjoy, do enjoy... :D

I sit in the room, nervously tapping the rough wood of the chair beneath me. I fight down the urge to run through the door in front of me and just go away, somewhere safe, somewhere nobody can find me.

But I know it's impossible, there's not one place unknown to the Capitol, if they wanted to find me, they would. Despite that knowledge I can't sit still and begin pacing feverishly around the unfamiliar room.

It seems forever when the door opens, revealing Cessia, Fabian, Valeria and Julia. They all run at me and I gasp at the force with which they cling to me. I bite on my lip to suppress the tears, remembering my promise never to cry.

We stay like that for a few silent minutes, the occasional sob coming from one of my sisters. But I know our time is limited, and I have to say something. Something that will give them strength, something that can keep them alive after I'm gone.

"Listen to me." I say, my voice breaking.

I swallow and kneel before them, gritting my teeth when my knee begins to protest, four young scared faces staring at me.

"I need you to be strong, okay?" I tell them, "don't believe anything the Capitol tells you. Don't let anything that happens on those screens get to you, even if- " I hesitate and then continue, "I love you and if I die I will still watch over you, okay?"

They nod with watery eyes, Cessia casting down her eyes when I look at her intently. She knows what this means, she's the oldest now. I hate to admit it, but now she has to become the new me, taking care of her brother and sisters no matter what.

"Just remember I love you." I say softly, hugging each of them, trying not to sound desperate.

Two peacekeepers burst through the door, forcing them away from me. Julia and Valeria cry out my name and Fabian looks like he's ready to vomit. But the most heartbreaking is the look of complete despair on Cessia's face.

I give her the best reassuring smile I can manage just before the door closes, wordlessly saying that she can do it, that's she's strong enough, that I trust her.

I just hope it's enough.

The door closes with a final thud and I collapse into the chair, covering my face in my hands. I don't know if I can stay sane much longer, with this whirlwind of emotions tearing at my insides.

A knock sounds and I look up from my hands, rising from the chair when I see the door open. I have just enough time to wonder who this could be, when a young woman walks in. I recognize her, she's helping with the nursery, I always saw her when I picked up Julia, Valeria and Fabian when they were still toddlers. I wonder why she's here though.

I stare at her surprised and she seems a little uncomfortable.

"I- I just wanted to say... I'll take care of them." she stutters, but nods fiercely.

My mouth falls open at these words, did she really just...?
She gives me a small smile and one last look before she goes back through the door.

I stand there, shaking, relief flooding through me. They aren't alone. My family isn't alone...

Before I can think or feel anything else, the door opens again, this time revealing an old man. I recognize him too, I've seen him scurrying around the market quite a few times, talking to himself. I always wondered how he had survived past the average age while he seemed a bit... crazy.

He looks at me for a few moments before speaking, his voice is rough but strong, not the voice I expected with such a fragile old man.

"Fate has a cruel way of repeating itself, doesn't it?" he says.

I just stare at him, uncomprehending.

"I knew your folks back in the day, good folks they were."

Now I really stare at him with big eyes, too baffled to speak.

"Yes, yes. Good folks they were."

A million questions battle around in my head, fighting for being spoken aloud. In the end, the only thing I can muster is, "is it true?"

He looks at me amused, but turns serious immediately, "dear girl, you'd have done them proud, the strength you show against them."
I nod at this confirmation, he may not have said it literally, but his words were clear enough.

"Don't count yourself out, girl. It's in your blood to fight." he says then, a fierce look in his eyes. He almost grows, looking younger, stronger, until changing back into the weary old man in front of me.

His words confuse me, was he saying that he thought I had a chance? That's not possible, he knew the Games. They were relentless, leaving just one of 24 alive. And he said I could be that one? I shook my head, it's not possible, I won't leave my brother to die.

"That boy... he's strong too, but he's no fighter, not any more." the old man mutters to himself while turning around.
"What?" I say, not sure if I had heard that right.
"You're the fighter" he says, not even looking back when he scurries through the door.

Soon, others come walking through, promising to take care of my family, saying they are sorry for me. Some of them I don't even know, still they tell me stories about how I am so much like my parents, that they were honourable people back in the day, when they were still alive. I don't understand why they say such things, they are taking a huge risk, praising rebels from the Dark Days within earshot of the peacekeepers. It doesn't stop them though.

When the last walks out the door I slump back into the chair, shaking my head, disbelief flooding through me.

This was a very strange day. I can't even begin to understand everything that had happened. There was one huge contradiction happening here. They chose me, but now they come to me to tell me... to tell me what, that I can win? That they'd help my family after doing this to them in the first place?
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful, though I still can't believe that it is true, that people actually care. Well, they care about my family, enough to not let them starve at least. And they cared about my parents, friends they say they were.

I snort, not friends enough to show any recognition to their daughter until she's doomed to die, by their own hands!

I'm not granted very much time alone before more peacekeepers come in, taking me outside to a vehicle I recognize to be a car. I can see it's already noon by the position of the sun, high above my head. I had been in there longer than I thought.

It's a half an hour ride to the station, but the entire way there are people waiting alongside the road, watching us when we ride by. I can't remember that ever happening the past times and I'm almost grateful. But then I remember they sent my brother with me, and I hate them all over again. At that moment I'm official swearing to myself to get him out alive, even if it meant sacrificing myself.

I help my brother out of the car and as we walk towards the train I ignore the camera's and try not to limp too much. I don't care about the audience, I don't care about the Capitol. All I care about is getting my brother out of here.

I know that he's going to protest, it's what he does. He always wants the opposite of what I want. But I have to convince him somehow, I wasn't going to leave him to die. I could never.

I glance at the screens showing our faces and barely recognize the girl they show. We don't have a mirror at home so I could never really look at myself. The only times I could was when I washed my face, my distorted features staring back at me from the water's surface.

The expression on the girl's face is a mix of anxiety and anger, even through the dirt it's clearly visible. Quickly I force myself to look indifferent, showing no emotion at all. Still, camera's have seen it, recorded it.

I can't afford to show any weakness any more, not if I want to get my brother out.

I hold his hand when we climb the metal steps, helping him up when his back bothers him. I still can't believe that they really did it, sending a crippled boy into the arena.
I send an annoyed glance towards the woman-whose-name-I-always-forget when she takes a hold of Joshua's arm to help him up.

Nobody touches him, not without my consent. They don't deserve to touch him.
She receives my hostile glare with indifference, only releasing Joshua's arm when he's in the train, safe and sound.

We stand in the doorway for a few seconds, granting the reporters their last images.

I take one look back at the district, flashing camera's of news reporters block most of my sight, but I can still see the cluster of farmers, young and old, that stand a little separated from the exited bustle just before the metal doors.

They don't look happy, but when do they ever? To be honest, I don't know if I hate them any more. They did come to me, promised to protect my family. But then they had sent me here together with my brother? I hold back the confusion from my face and keep it indifferent.

Perhaps they feel bad for voting on me and want to ease guilt by showing support, well, it doesn't matter. I will have to do this, alone. I won't gain anything from their support or their pity any more, even if it's genuine.

The doors close before my eyes, sliding together with no sound at all. My last glimpse of the sunlit fields of wheat and the dusty wooden shacks of district 11 leaves me feeling surprisingly sorrowful. Even if I hated the life, the people, everything. It was my life, my home. And I was never coming back.

A slight jerk of the train indicates we're leaving, gliding along the rails with such smoothness I wonder if this feels like flying.

"Come on, I'll show you around." the nameless woman says. I almost hit her square in the jaw, having totally forgotten that she was there.

She notices my jumpiness and shoots me a surprised look, she makes no comment however and gestures at a glass door that slides open to reveal a very strange room. I immediately see that this room is worth more than I could gather in a lifetime. I try hard to fight down the wonder and the urge to touch everything. My faces must have shown it though, because the nameless woman immediately offers us something to eat.

Joshua eyes the colourful sweets and pastries with longing. I sigh, I don't like the idea of him getting lost to all these riches, but he might as well while he still has the chance.

Even I am tempted to taste one of the mouthwatering dishes laid out on silver platters. The soft cushioned chairs are also very inviting.
The woman sits down in one of them, so I figure it can't harm to test if the chairs are as soft and heavenly as they look.
I can barely fight down the content sigh when I sink into the cushions, Joshua in turn groans relieved when he falls down on a couch, snuggling deep into the beige material.

The woman is clearly amused by this, which makes me feel angry all of a sudden.

She doesn't know the hardships of life in district 11, and now she laughs because we've never known such comfort!

"Is something funny?" I challenge her, the strain on my voice clearly audible.

She looks at me, her amusement gone, but she says nothing.

"Well? Do you think it's funny we're going to our glorified funeral?" I spit at her.
"If it's up to me you're going to a glorified victory." she replies.

I narrow my eyes, what is she implying?

"You mean we can win?" Joshua says hopefully, trying to sit straight but grimacing when the strain is too much on his back.
"One of you can." she says, switching her gaze between me and Joshua.

He slumps back into the couch in defeat.

"I know it's hard, but you can't give up." she tries, but it only infuriates me more.
"You're basically saying one of us has to kill the other to win!" I yell at her, jumping up from my seat, grabbing the corner of a cabinet to prevent myself from falling. My knee has officially given up on me.
"No, I'm saying that you have a chance of winning. It's my job to lead your district to victory."
"I could care less about my damn district! They left me and my brother to die, do you think for a second that I want to win for them!" I shake my head in disbelief, completely forgetting this morning.
"Then win for your family!" she yells now, rising from her seat too, the ridiculous dress making it hard for me to take her seriously.

I clench my jaw, closing my eyes to fight the panic that surfaces with the mention of my family. Are they okay? How are they handling it? Is Cessia strong enough?

"Isn't it worth trying, at least? For you family?" she says softly, urging.

I release a shuddering sigh and curl my fingers into a fist, I try resisting but I can't help but see the truth in her arguments.

"I can't-" I start loudly but then I cut myself off.
"I can't leave my brother to die." I say softly.
"You have to, Ellie. You know I can't take care of them like you do." Joshua says, looking at the ground.
"I'm not leaving you to die!" I yell at him, but I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at the woman in front of me who tells me to kill my own brother. I'm angry at my district for choosing Joshua. I'm angry at the Capitol for doing this to all those families, every single year.

I quickly walk away from the two of them, leaning on every surface I come near, the door on the other side of the coupé opening as I approach it. Carlo comes walking through, back to his cheery self. He does look a little baffled when I limp past him with a hostile snarl on my face.

I don't care that I don't know where my room is, I just go somewhere. I'm surprised I am even able to move, since I've never been on a train with the likes of this before.

There was one time when I was twelve. I had been working a long day, eager to get home and pick up Fabian, Valeria and Julia, who were still toddlers then, from the nursery. Since I couldn't take care of them, like so many parents who had to work all day while they had babies, I brought them to the nursery every morning and picked them up every evening. I already loved them, I loved them the moment they were born. Even when mother died giving birth to the twins... I still loved them and cared for them the best I could.

That day was no different, I thought. I was loading heavy sacks filled with grain into one of the rusty wagons, I was down to the last one when I heard scurrying noises from inside the train.

I went inside to look and found a miserable excuse for a rabbit. It had been locked up in there for a while from the looks of it. I pitied it, so I tried to catch it.
The next thing I knew it went completely dark. To top it all off, the ground began moving, well, the train did.

It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but I was terrified. I had been locked up in the train, with the sole company of a meagre rabbit. The poor animal was shivering when I finally got hold of it.

I held on to it the entire night, a good part of the morning too. When they found me we were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by things called mountains, though I had never seen anything like them.

The machinist only found me after I had been banging against the door for a good half an hour. Exhausted and weak from roughly two days without food and water I travelled with him to the nearest station.

I was lucky, had it been the peacekeepers that found me I would have been beaten beyond recognition. The machinist however, managed to smuggle me into another train that was going back to the district.

Those were a scary two days, perhaps the scariest of my life. Every time we stopped on the way back I feared to be found by the peacekeepers who checked every inch of the train. I'm still surprised they didn't find me then.

I was so incredibly relieved when I returned to the district, I can't remember ever being happier to see the worn faces caked with dirt and the hunched backs of the people of district 11.

When I returned home they were all waiting for me, Joshua, who was still healthy then, had picked up Fabian, Valeria and Julia from the crèche and had tried to care for them with the help of Cessia. They actually cried when they saw me, they never cried, not even the three-year-old twins.

I promised I would never leave. I promised to keep them safe as long as I lived.

It seems that I broke that promise, because this train carries me further and further away from them every breath I take.

I lean against the nearest wall, then slide down because now both my legs aren't capable of holding me any more. I bury my face in my hands but I don't cry.
I swore I would never cry. And I swear it again, not even when I look death in the face. I will not grant the Capitol the pleasure.
I won't allow my last moments to be those of weakness, I can't do that to my family. I promised to protect them, if that means holding my tears, I will do that.
If it means killing others-

I sigh, the only way to keep them safe... is winning this thing.

Next up: Dat Capitol!

I'm having a little stylish problem but I'm sure I'll sort it out... I am supposed to be a woman after all ) I'm just gonna blame Mother Nature if I fail...

Well, enough ranting, let's study!