Sleep was slowly overtaking Tim, as he settled in on his couch. His heavy eyes, made slow calculated blinks. The television buzzed, playing a Netflix show recommended by his sister. He had figured he should try and watch half an episode, so the two of them had something to talk about when he went to visit his Dad on Sunday. Tim and Sarah had always been close, despite their age difference, but their ailing father was creating tension, especially as they had such different experiences of him. Sarah had been granted the unconditional love and acceptance, Tim had always wanted.
The impending hospital visit, was the cherry on top of the icing of a long and difficult week. A Marine had been killed mere weeks after he returned stateside. It had transpired that the Marine's wife had shot him. It had been the type of case, Tony would have enjoyed. However, Tony had taken a call on Wednesday lunch time, telling the person on the other end to stay put, and ran out of the pumpkin-walled squadroom as if it were on fire. Tony hadn't been back since, and when pestered Gibbs told the team that Tony was taking care of his family. Gibbs had been silent to any further investigation. Abby had called and texted Tony and Ziva, but had only received one word answers.
His phone buzzed, jolting him from his dosing state. He picked it up, expecting to see a text from Delilah, as they were currently trying to book in a Skype date. Instead, he found a text from Tony, you home? Tim frowned, ran his hand over his face trying to banish the sleepiness, and texted back, Yes, why?
Exactly minute and eight seconds later, there was a knock on McGee's door.
Tim opened the door, to be greeted by Tony, holding a couple of six-packs of beers, and a pizza.
"Hi," McGee said slowly, studying his friend. His eyes were red, and dark rings encircled them. Tony wore devastation over his late summer tan. "What are you doing here?"
"Thought I should make it up to you," Tony said, as he presented the pizza to his friend. "I did bail halfway through through case."
McGee took the pizza, remembering he hadn't actually eaten dinner. The pizza was welcome. Still he wondered what had really brought his friend to his door.
"It was the wife," McGee said, as the two of them walked toward McGee's couch.
He waited for Tony to make a wisecrack. What did I tell you McDetective, it's always the wife.
Nothing came. No joke. This was all very unlike Tony.
"Oh," Tony simply said, as he sat down on the couch with a sigh. Cracking open a beer, and staring blankly at the screen.
"Is everything okay, Tony?" McGee asked, as he too sat down on the couch.
"It will be," Tony replied, his voice flat. "Everything kinda sucks right now, but it will be okay."
A thousand questions darted through McGee's head. What had happened? Gibbs had assured the team, that both Tony and Ziva were fine, no serious illness or devastation had befell them. Still Tony was so sad. Something had happened. Something bad.
"Is Ziva okay?" McGee asked as he watched his friend swill the beer.
Tony flinched.
"She will be," Tony said slowly. His eyes staring into the distance.
A dark thought ping-ponged in McGee's brain, had Tony and Ziva, finally succumbed to all the pressure they had put on themselves and their relationship. They were already fighting an uphill battle, trying to undo the horrors of their childhoods and the heartbreak the job had caused.
"You two are still getting married right?" McGee asked. Wincing as he spoke, fearing that he would jinx them.
Tony turned to his friend, and shot him a stern look. McGee knew then he had overstepped the line. No words came out. No snarky response. The mere suggestion, had silenced him.
"Sorry," McGee whispered. "It's just."
"I get it," Tony mumurred. His voice still so flat. "I know that ditching halfway through the case, then turning up unannounced is making your McWorrymeter go off, but I came here because I wanted to shoot video game people. Can we just do that?"
McGee swallowed thickly, and his heart breaking for his friends and this unknown tragedy.
"We can do that," McGee assured Tony, as he got up and started shuffling around to find the second controller.
So they sat. Sipping beers, and shooting video game people. Tony drunk the beer as if were water. McGee took a more conservative approach. He always was less of a drinker.
"You don't have to keep letting me win," Tony declared, as he crunched the empty beer can. Was it his third, or his fourth? Tony certainly wasn't counting.
"I'm not," McGee lied. Of course he was letting his friend win. There was so much pain in Tony's eyes. This was the least Tim could do, to try and soothe some of his friends hurt.
"You are," Tony replied, as the speakers echoed with the faux gunshot. It still amazed Tim how quickly they became white noise.
"I'm not," McGee repeated.
"I get it," Tony said. "If things were the other way round, I'd probably do the same thing. That's what friends do right."
McGee nodded. That's what friends do.
"Fine," McGee said. "I'll stop going so easy."
They shot a few more video game people. McGee watched a calendar alert pop up on his phone, from Delilah arranging their Skype date. This was modern love, they had joked last time, knowing this setup was not forever.
"Ziva and I had a miscarriage on Wednesday," Tony said, before letting out a heavy breath.
McGee froze for a second. The words washed over him. The air in the lounge was thick and heavy. Sadness had been unleashed.
"I'm sorry," McGee said, knowing that his words were futile.
"Thanks," Tony said, returning to the game.
"I didn't realise you two were-" McGee paused, unsure what to say next. Planning? Trying?
"It wasn't planned," Tony said, hearing all of McGee's question. McGee noticed Tony's sour reflection in the blue light of the television. "It was a really welcome surprise. Really welcome."
McGee nodded. Lately, he too had found himself thinking about children. Perhaps it started, when he found himself watching a special interest story of a woman with a spinal cord injury, who had become pregnant and had a baby. He had been sitting in front of his Dad's hospital bed, only there to be a comfort to Penny and Sarah. His Dad was in a hazy drug-aided sleep, and McGee had found himself thinking of him and Delilah. Thinking about how he would modify the crib. Thinking about the combination that a dash of him, and a dash of Delilah would make. He hadn't told Delilah about any of this of course, things were still so new, and they weren't even on the same continent at the moment. He didn't want to jump the gun.
Still, the seed had been planted. Maybe, it had been seeing Jimmy a ball of excitement with his impending parenthood. McGee wanted a piece of that pie.
"We only found out a couple of weeks ago," Tony said a couple of seconds later. "Ziva thought she had anemia. It wasn't just anemia."
Tony's behaviour over the last two weeks suddenly made a lot of sense. He listened intently to Jimmy's tales of Breena's pregnancy cravings. He had broken into smiles without warning. His phone conversations with Ziva, had been more frequent, and McGee had often heard Tony ask Ziva, how she was feeling.
"How's Ziva doing?" McGee asked.
Tony swallowed thickly.
"Well she's Ziva," Tony replied, trying to keep his tone neutral. "You know Ziva."
McGee did. She would be soldiering on. Putting a brave face on it all. It broke his heart.
"She blames herself," Tony said, his voice cracking. "She won't listen when I tell her it's not her fault."
McGee nodded, sucking in a deep breath. He couldn't bear to hear about his friends going through so much pain. It made his chest hurt.
"Ziva didn't think it would work out like it did," Tony continued. "Not by accident."
Dark thoughts danced in McGee's head. He knew that whatever had happened to Ziva in Somalia had lasting effects both physically and mentally. It seemed, from the story Tony was half-telling, it might also have affected her fertility.
"She was excited, but she was worried about how we were going to manage. She's worked so hard at school," Tony said, as he held the beer can, talking to it. "She was worried about having to give up school. She didn't want to end up like her Mom."
McGee frowned. He knew very little of Ziva's mother, but now was not the time to ask. Thinking of his own mother, who had never really had a career because of all the moving around, McGee could make an estimated guess.
"Do you think I would have let that happen," Tony continued, anger seeping into his voice. "She wasn't going to be left holding the baby. We would have made it work. I wouldn't have been like my Dad. Or hers."
McGee felt the sting of those words. He had made the same promises to his own potential children.
"I know," McGee said.
"We had started making all these plans," Tony said softly. "Really thinking about things. Ziva was gonna go part time at school. We were gonna get a bigger place. Ziva decided she wanted to be called Ima, not Mom. This was a bit ahead of schedule, but we were so ready."
"I'm sorry Tony," McGee whispered, and wondered if Tony even heard him.
"I have this stupid app of my phone, which compares the baby to fruit," Tony said, his lip quivering. "Why do they even do that, shouldn't they compare a baby to something cooler than fruit."
"I don't know," McGee said, adding unnecessary words to the conversation.
"We nearly at eleven weeks, thats a big as a fig," Tony said. "I didn't even know what a fig looked like. I had to google it."
Neither did Tim.
"We were gonna start telling people," Tony said, a tear slipped down his face. "We were supposed to go to dinner with Mr and Mrs Autopsy Gremlin tonight, we were gonna tell them first. We were so overwhelmed, we needed people to debrief with. We probably would have told you next McUncle. Then Abby, the day before it happened we were talking about how excited Abby would be."
McGee noded. Jimmy and Breena, despite their eccentricities were the most-stable normal people they knew. His heart soared and sunk at the McUncle.
"Ziva had really bad morning sickness," Tony said, swallowing thickly. "Well, it was more like all-day sickness. She was trying to soldier on, I had to beg her to let me take care of her."
"Ziva has always been independent," McGee said euphemistically. It was an understatement, but Tim was at a loss for words.
"We knew this was a possibility," Tony said with a sniffle. "We were higher-risk than most, but I thought that if I kept being optimistic, that it wouldn't happen to us. I'm the wild card, I always beat the odds."
McGee nodded. How many times had Tony got back up, when the world tried to knock him down.
"I don't know, maybe I wanted this too much," Tony said. "Maybe, that's why it happened."
"It's no ones fault, Tony," McGee promised his friend. "Just like what you told Ziva."
Sometimes bad things just happened to good people.
"I know," Tony said unconvincingly. "It still feels like it is, somehow. I know why she thinks its hurt fault. I get it."
McGee took in a deep breath of air.
"Ziva won't let me in," Tony said, as a tear ran down his face. This is what broke him. "These past few days every time I tried to look after her, she told me not to bother that there was nothing to take care of anymore. I know she's really hurting, and there's nothing I can do to fix it."
McGee felt his heart surge, and crack. How much more could his friends suffer?
"I think that's what hurts the most," Tony replied, running his thumb under his eye, to banish the tears. "And that's why I'm here."
"Did you two have a fight?" McGee asked. He knew the answer wouldn't be good.
"Yes," Tony admitted looking down at his beer. "She asked me to stop smothering her. I told her that if she needed space, I'd go. I think she tried to stop me, but I was already gone. I was gonna go to Dad's, he's in Monaco at the moment, and I thought it would be better, if I wasn't alone."
Those words made McGee's chest ache.
"Does Ziva know where you are?" McGee asked, as he reached for his phone. Whatever was going on between Tony and Ziva, she should at least know he was safe.
"Yeah," Tony said, handing his phone to McGee. McGee saw an unread message from Ziva, on the home screen, but didn't read it. Not wanting to invade his friends privacy. "I wouldn't want her to worry."
Ziva had known too many people, who simply never came home. She had also known too many others, who simply did not care about her. Tony did not need to repeat history.
"Are you two gonna be okay?" McGee asked.
He hoped they would be, but wasn't so sure. It was Tony and Ziva, they had to be. They had been through too much, but maybe their combined histories would come crashing down on them.
"I think so," Tony said, looking out to the distance. "It just really hurts right now. I didn't mean to just walk out like that, I just didn't know what else to do."
"I'm glad you're here," McGee said softly. The Tony of old would have hidden away like a wounded animal.
"No you're not, McLongDistance," Tony said, trying to hide the pain with a joke. "You probably had private plans for your quiet time."
McGee grimaced at what Tony was implying. Stil, on the other hand, he was glad for the joke.
"I know you've got a lot going on too," Tony uttered softly. "With your Dad, and everything."
His Dad's impending death didn't seem as pressing as Tony and Ziva's pain.
"Yeah, I do," McGee admitted, feeling his shoulders lighten slightly, as he admitted the weight of everything. "But, honestly I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you reached out. I'm always here if you need someone to shoot video game people with."
"We're getting better at this, aren't we?" Tony declared as he opened another beer.
"At what?" McGee asked.
"You know being grown ups," Tony muttered. "Talking and stuff."
"Yeah," McGee said. "We are."
A couple of hours later, McGee was standing in his lounge room, watching as Tony slept off the beers. His feet poking out from the end of the sofa bed. No doubt, he and everyone else would be hearing about Tony's bad back for days to come.
He pressed the phone to his ear, listening to the dial tone. Half expecting it to go to voicemail. It was getting late.
"'Hi Tim," Ziva said from the other side. Her voice sounded hoarse. He wondered if she had fallen asleep crying.
"Hi Ziva," McGee said. "Did I wake you?"
"Not really," Ziva replied with a sniffle. He imagined she looked as bad as Tony. She was better a hiding things.
"I won't keep you long," he said softly. "I just thought you should know, Tony's asleep on my couch."
"I got his text," Ziva said. "I'm glad he's with you. I would have been worried otherwise. Well, more worried."
"He's staying the night," McGee reported. "He'd had too much to drink."
"Of course," Ziva replied. "Thank you for taking care of him."
"He told me what happened," McGee said, as he stepped away from Tony on the couch, and toward his bedroom.
"Oh," Ziva said letting out a sigh.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know you guys were excited."
"We were," Ziva said, punctuating the sentence with a sniffle. She was crying fresh tears. "But, it was not to be."
"He's sorry for walking out," McGee uttered. "He'll probably tell you that, but if he doesn't, I think you should know."
"I know," Ziva whispered. "I am sorry that he felt he had to leave. I did not mean for that to happen. It's just. Well I just…."
"I'm sure he understands," he whispered, picking up where Ziva's conversation dropped off.
"Thank you for talking with him," Ziva said, with a gulp. "He needed someone to talk to. The past few days have been difficult."
So isolating too, McGee imagined.
"Do you have someone to talk to?" McGee asked.
"I do," Ziva said, with a small sniffle. "Thank you for asking."
He wondered who, but didn't want to pry.
"Maybe, when you're feeling up to it, we can start running again," McGee said softly. "I miss those."
The runs had fallen by the wayside after their summer vacations, and the caseload of August. Now, as September blossomed, and summer started to fade Tim felt the need to lace up his sneakers, before it got too cold again. Not that the cold had ever stopped Ziva.
"I would like that," Ziva replied, the sniffles pittering out. "I have missed the runs too."
"I better let you go," McGee said. "I'll make sure Tony gets home safe tomorrow."
"Thank you," Ziva said. "You are good friend Tim, to both of us."
With that, they said their goodnights.
A/N:
I don't own a thing, and I don't want to own this after the turn this story has taken.
*ducks as loyal readers throw rotten tomatoes at me*
I know, things were looking sunny for our pair. I know that almost all of the reviews on the chapter before last, were begging me to make the Tiva pregnancy viable.
Truth is, loyal readers I wrote myself into a hole. I tried to plan the next few chapters, and found myself stuck. (I have a long train commute so I spent a couple of hours each day playing with these two in my head). With this tragic turn, I can foresee this ending authentically. This adventure will end joyfully.
This won't break T/Z up, just like everything they will fight this together. They will talk about things.
Please dear readers, trust the journey we are about to go on. The next couple of chapters will be hard, but like I said this will end joyfully.
I will try and get the next chapter out quickly.
P.S: If it helps, writing this chapter made me cry a little. I feel very cruel.