Tony watched as his Dad walked toward Gibbs house, carrying a stuffed santa sack under his arm. Christmas at casa la Gibbs, had quickly become a tradition for their chosen family, and Senior had slotted right in to the festivities. The old man walked gingerly to the front door, excited to see the people who had accepted him into the family, just as they had his son. Tony knew, that Senior had been hesitant to accept this love, so unsure it was something that he deserved. Yet the family, had eventually welcomed him with open arms.

Tony noted that they were the last to arrive a fact they would blame on Senior. The others cars were parked on Gibbs' driveway and outside of the house. He wondered for a moment, if Gibbs even had enough seats for everyone. Their makeshift family seemed to grow every year. Despite the addition of new members, the love was always multiplied, never divided.

Abby, having greeted Senior had moved to the window, and was waving at them, telling them to come in. To come home. She wore an excited grin.

"We should go in," Ziva said, placing her hand on his wrist. He looked through the windscreen, into the distance.

She was wearing that teal coloured dress, that only really got an outing during the winter holidays and Passover. Her hair had been pulled back, in a 'natural' look, which had taken nearly an hour to perfect. Her engagement ring, and favourite earrings gleaned in the winter sun. They shone brighter than any tree ornament.

"In a minute," he said, sucking in a deep breath. When was the last time he had been nervous to see these people. To see his family.

Amira too had joined Abby by the window, and was waving at them. She wore the excited grin of a kid at Christmas time. She was being spoiled rotten, as the only kid in the little clan formed on bonds of love.

"It feels weird that I haven't seen most them in two weeks," Tony said, as he waved back at Amira. He matched her smile. "I mean, you go from seeing people nearly every day."

He had finished up with the team, two weeks ago, cashing in some vacation time. Choosing to have two weeks off, for the first time in a long time. The last time, he had been away from work for so long, was that summer that they handed in their badges. How long ago, that already felt. How he feared how much had changed.

"We were supposed to see them for Hanukkah," Ziva murmured. Her voice wore no anger, but perhaps a touch of sadness. She had wanted to celebrate Hanukkah with her loved ones. One day, she would share the joy of the festival of lights, with their own children.

Schmeil had found an excuse to fly stateside, and had joined them for the second night of Hanukkah, along with his father, as well as Leyla and Amira. The others were supposed to join them, but found themselves knee-deep in a particularly awful case. A young marine had been unable to shed his past, and found himself caught up in drugs, once he returned home after a deployment.

With the team stuck on a case, the celebrations had been smaller, but no less joyful. Ziva had made nosies about perhaps having them over again, as Hanukkah had the benefit of being eight nights, but it had never come to fruition. Instead, Tony and Ziva, had done to Rachael and Jo's for the last night of Hanukkah, enjoying a slightly offbeat celebration. Enjoy dosas and curry, along with latkes and familiar songs.

"Yeah," he said. Swallowing thickly.

He felt so nervous. His stomach ached. He had been nervous since he woke this morning. Barely eating, causing Ziva to question his health. He had said nothing then, hoping this feeling would pass. Dread lined his stomach, and rose up his throat. It was the strongest of biles, burning his throat.

"I feel like I abandoned them," Tony said. His voice cracking. It hurt him to finally say this. To finally put his feelings into word.

The heating in the car hummed. Ziva rubbed her leg, trying to warm up. Her tights were not thick enough for the cool weather. She refused to wear the full denier ones, claiming they made her look like she should be herding six kids, and covering her head.

"Is that why you brought so many Christmas presents?" Ziva asked.

Senior santa sack, was filled with little nick-nacks for everyone. He had braved the mall many times, to get something special. Gothic jewellery for Abby. Books for Amira. Expensive booze for Gibbs. Baby gifts for the not-yet-born Palmer spawn. The adults generally had a secret santa type gift giving activity, where everyone only got one gift for one other adult. Minimising both spending and the agony of having to go Christmas shopping.

"No," he said dragging the word out. "Besides, most of them are for Amria, and for the Palmer bambino."

Tony and his father had gone up to New York, on one of the days leading up to Christmas to enjoy the city at Christmas time, and buy gifts for everyone. How else could he tell everyone, who had been part of his life for so long, and kept him going when things looked bleak, how much he loved them all. How much he could not imagine life without them. How much he hoped, they would not drift apart now that he had left them.

The presents were not even enough.

"I felt guilty too," Ziva said, her eyes looking out into the distance. White snow had covered the quiet suburban street. One of the houses down the street had garish Christmas lights the reflected in the snow. "Especially, because I left so suddenly. At least you gave notice, and gave everyone time to adjust. You had closure, and you gave everyone closure."

He had gone, leaving drinks on two Fridays beforehand, and had spent his first free weekend in months, nursing a killer hangover, courtesy of Abby insisting on shots. She seemed to have the alcohol tolerance, of a sorority girl on Spring break, despite her age. He had sat on the couch the morning after, vowing never to drink again, while Ziva shot him disbelieving looks.

"Nobody blamed you," he said softly. They had this conversation a few times now. "You had to get out, for yourself."

She had to jump away from the flames, before they burnt her. Parts of her were already fraying at the edges. She had been so close to imploding.

"And nobody blames you," Ziva said, her voice confident and sure. "You made a choice. We are a family, even if we do not all work at the same place."

Family is more that just DNA.

"Dorney got a concussion last week," Tony said, trying and failing to keep his voice neutral. "He took my place."

Donrey had been hanging around the team, subbing in, since all of them took summer vacations the previous July. Then he stuck around, as each member of the team, needed to take some personal tim: Tony for his and Ziva's loss, Ellie for her separation, and for Tim to say goodbye to his father. Dorney had been expected to be Tony's successor, but he had declined the offer to take Tony's place, because his fiance, had a job opportunity in California. Ned was going to follow his heart, and head west, and had a job lined up at the San Diego office. A new agent, had finally been agreed to by both Gibbs and Vance, and was starting in the New Year. The new agent, had a history in undercover ops, and would hopefully balance out McGee and Ellie's superbrains with his street smarts.

"I know," Ziva said. "But he is fine. It is part of the job, yes?"

Dorney had been back to work the next day, and the drug addicted Marine had been caught.

"Yeah," he agreed.

How many times, had he said that, as he sat in an ER, with his head spinning, or blood on his hands. Narrowly escaping death, to fight another day.

"This will get easier," Ziva declared. "It will take time."

"Everything always does," he muttered. His voice heavy.

How many times had they repeated this mantra too each other.

"I am serious," Ziva replied. "This time last year, I felt like you do now. Especially, because I was not really doing anything."

On paper, she was only working a couple of mornings a week, at the poorly paid translation job, and taking a couple of online classes through college. However, on the inside she was doing a lot of work. She still had weekly therapy appointments, and was doing those ballet classes, trying to reclaim parts of herself that had been taken. Now, a year later, her class load was heavier, and the therapy sessions had been cut-back again, despite a brief increase after the miscarriage. The ballet classes had fallen off her calender, having worked that out of her system, but she felt closer to her childhood self. She still worked at the translation helpdesk, translating medical instructions and tax forms, but also helped out at Leyla's organisation, helping women study for their American citizenship tests. How proudly she spoke about those two small jobs, and the difference she was making in these womens lives. Life was a journey, and she felt like she was finally moving forward.

"So you feel better now?" he asked.

He wondered what things would look like in a years time. He and Ziva would be married. The baby Palmer would be here. Delilah would be back home, maybe wearing a ring of her own. He knew McGee had been looking at designs. Maybe, this grand feast would not be at Gibbs house, but at his and Ziva's house. They had started half-looking at houses again. Wanting to build a white picket fence life. The lease on Ziva's apartment around the same time as the wedding, and they were still deciding if they were going to renew the lease for another year.

Maybe, he would finally be at peace.

"Yes," Ziva declared. "I still feel that pang, when I hear about somebody we used to work with getting hurt. Sometimes, I look at clock, and wonder if the team are still at work, especially when I am tucked into bed. I worry for them."

He nodded. He too had felt these pangs. He felt that wave of guilt, as he enjoyed the slowness of these weeks off. As he enjoyed eating at nearly the same time every night.

"But I know, I have not abandoned them. I have taken a different path," Ziva continued, a confidence creeping into her voice. "I know the team do not think I have abandoned them, because I left the job. They support my choices, and understand them, or at least I hope they do."

They did. He knew that. It had taken some of them, namely Abby to get used to the idea of Ziva, and later Tony working in different places, but she had got there. Family, was more than DNA. Family was more than the job.

"I know that," he said, softly. "At least logically. It's just hard. "

"I know you do," Ziva said. "I know this is hard. If today gets too much, we can go."

"No," he said quickly. He had not seen most of these people for two weeks, he missed them. "I want to be here, I want to spend Christmas with my family."

He wanted Abby's warm arms wrapped around him. He wanted Ducky's long stories, about Christmases of years past. He wanted Gibbs gruff nod, as they toasted the feast.

He wanted it all.

"Okay," she said, voice soft but warm. "I am sure Gibbs would not mind, if we took some quiet time."

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" she replied. She ran her hand through her hair, a nervous tic.

"Breena's there," he uttered. "You got really quiet, when we saw them last time."

Ziva turned slightly, looking out to distance. Thanksgiving had been nearly month ago, which had been the last time they had seen them. Breena and Jimmy, usually saw her extended family for Thanksgiving, but had used her pregnancy to get out of the visit, claiming the doctor had forbidden Breena from flying. The pregnancy had made the Palmer's more assertive when it came, to boundaries with their extended families.

"Do you think she noticed?" Ziva asked, her voice hiking up.

"Nah," he said confidently. Not really sure. "She doesn't know you, like I do."

Ziva ran her hand over her lap. Nobody knew her like he did. Nobody made her feel so secure. She knew nobody else like she knew him.

"I try not to think about it," Ziva started, her voice becoming heavy, like her heart. "But, we would have only been a couple of months behind them. Sometimes when I see her, it is hard to think about anything else."

He nodded. Last time he had seen Breena, in full bloom, he had wondered what Ziva would have looked like with a similar roundness under her shirt. Would Ziva be complaining of backache and heartburn? Would they had opted to find out the sex, unlike the Palmers, who favoured a delivery room surprise.

"I know," he said softly. "I think about it sometimes too."

He too had found himself struck with those thoughts. Christmas involved children big and small. When buying Christmas and Baby Shower presents for this upcoming child, he had found himself burying his nose in the tiny onesies, and holding the little booties. This could have been them.

One day it would be them.

"This will pass, with time," Ziva uttered. Repeating it again. Perhaps she said it for him, perhaps for her.

"Everything always does," he said softly. He realised he had said it again, but the old mantra ran true.

"We should go inside," Ziva said, as she looked toward the door.

Gibbs had opened it, and was walking toward them, dressed only in his winter sweater, despite the freezing temperatures. A mason jar of bourbon in his hand. He used the other hand to try and usher them inside.

Come in kids. Come home. Everyone's waiting.

Tony patted Ziva's thigh, and then grabbed the latch to open the door.

Come all ye faithful.

A/N:

I don't own a thing.

Sorry, about the delay in postings. My job is using a lot of mental space at the moment, which doesn't leave a lot of room for writing, and is effecting the quality of the writing. It will pass. I'm working on ways to fix it, (escape it).

It is really weird writing about Christmas in July.

Thank you for all the lovely reviews, faves and follows. Thanks for the kind reviews in the last chapter especially. I'll reply to some of the non-guest reviews soon.

Next chapter will feature Abby and Ziva. In this fic, I have it my head that Nick will be Tony's replacement, but I've not seen an episode with him in it. So, I might name check him, but he won't get more than a passing mention.

There will be three more chapters, after this. I hope everyone is enjoying the ride. It certainly has been a long one, and quite the rollercoaster.